Cocco - Unabara no Ningyo

[EJTranslations]

I've been meaning to get back into the habit of posting here, at least when I'm working on something more difficult. And there are definitely parts of this translation I'm not sure about, so here I am. I've marked the parts I particularly have questions about, but feel free to give suggestions or corrections on other parts if you spot anything that needs it.

わたしを初めて 抱いた人は
わたしのためなら 死ねると言った
わたしは笑って 少しだけ泣いて
木影に座って 髪をほどいた

watashi o hajimete daita hito wa
watashi no tame nara shineru to itta
watashi wa waratte sukoshi dake naite
kokage ni suwatte kami o hodoita

The first person who held me
Said that they would die for me
Laughing, crying only a little,
I sat in the shadow of the trees and let down my hair

碧い寝息は 明日を夢見て
花が咲くのも 待てずに舵を取った

aoi neiki wa ashita o yumemite
hana ga saku no mo matezu ni kaji o totta

The young sleeper dreamed of tomorrow[1]
And, without even waiting for the flowers to bloom, took the helm

空がどれほど高いのか
海の彼方で
月は鯨と泳ぐのか
どこまで独りで 飛べるのか

sora ga dore hodo takai no ka
umi no kanata de
tsuki wa kujira to oyogu no ka
doko made hitori de toberu no ka

How high is the sky
There, across the sea?
Does the moon swim with the whales?
How far can I fly on my own?

若い力は あふれ出した

wakai chikara wa afuredashita

My young strength overflowed

あなたが初めて 抱いた人は
あなたの背中に 甘えて泣いた?
わたしの背中に羽根などなくて
星は遠くで 瞬くばかり

anata ga hajimete daita hito wa
anata no senaka ni amaete naita?
watashi no senaka ni hane nado nakute
hoshi wa tooku de matataku bakari

Did the first person who held you
Cling to your back and cry?[2]
There are no wings on my back
The stars only twinkle distantly

夜明けの鐘が 愛しくそっと
全てを消せるわけでもないから

yoake no kane ga itoshiku sotto
subete o keseru wake de mo nai kara

Because it's not as if the morning bells
Can dearly, softly erase everything

空がどれほど高いのか
海の彼方で
月は鯨と泳ぐのか
想い出す嘘もあるけれど

sora ga dore hodo takai no ka
umi no kanata de
tsuki wa kujira to oyogu no ka
omoidasu uso mo aru keredo

How high is the sky
There, across the sea?
Does the moon swim with the whales?
Though there are also remembered lies

新しい朝を 全部あげる

atarashii asa o zenbu ageru

I'll give you a whole new morning

わたしなんか
死ねばいいと 想ってた
でもどこかで
わたしだけが
生きのびることだけ
信じてきた

watashi nanka
shineba ii to omotte'ta
demo dokoka de
watashi dake ga
ikinobiru koto dake
shinjite kita

I had thought that
I wouldn't mind dying
But somewhere
Only I came
To believe
In only surviving

空がどれほど高いのか
海の彼方で
誰が泣いていたのかさえ
ここまで私は 流されて

sora ga dore hodo takai no ka
umi no kanata de
dare ga naite ita no ka sae
koko made watashi wa nagasarete

How high is the sky
There, across the sea?
Without even knowing who had been crying, [3]
I was washed here

濡れた人魚は 愛を見た

nureta ningyo wa ai o mita

The soaked mermaid saw love

トゥルラッタ トゥルトゥル ラッタ
消えないにおいと
新しいにおいと
愛したにおいと
愛すべき あなたと

TURURATTA TURUTURU RATTA
kienai nioi to
atarashii nioi to
aishita nioi to
aisubeki anata to

Tu-lu-latta, tulu-tulu latta
With a scent that won't disappear
With a new scent
With a scent I loved
With you, who are so lovable

[1] I know "寝息" means "the breath of someone who is asleep," but we don't have a good word or even expression for that in English, and here it's clearly a poetic turn of phrase actually referring to the sleeping person themselves, so I figured I'd just translate it as "sleeper." What do you guys think? Is that okay, or have I missed a better way of phrasing it that keeps more of the original nuance?

[2] Ugh, "甘えて" is such a pain to translate--I can't quite come up with a way to translate it that has a negative enough connotation while also keeping in "背中", which I'd like to keep for the parallel/connection with the next line. So... suggestions?

[3] I'm a little confused about the function of "さえ" here; the grammar doesn't seem to work the way I'd expect it to. I've translated it sort of as though there's an invisible "分からない" after it, but I don't think that's actually... correct. Has anyone encountered this kind of construction before?

[A Sunfish]

Perhaps the 'she' in the first stanza should be a 'he'? The singer (and narrator, if 'let down my hair' is any indication) is female, after all.

My opinion:

1. I think that this is fine. 碧い寝息 literally translated into English would sound pretty uncomfortable.
I considered something along the lines of 'Emanating pale breaths, dreaming of tomorrow/...' but that sounds a lot more awkward.

2. Perhaps substituting 'lean on' with 'cling to' would convey the childishness of 甘えて in a less obvious fashion?

3. This part confuses me too. Do you think adding a 'Just' at the start of the line would convey something similar?

[Haze~]

Looks good! I just have a few small notes.

>[3] I'm a little confused about the function of "さえ" here; the grammar doesn't seem to work the way I'd expect it to. I've translated it sort of as though there's an invisible "分からない" after it, but I don't think that's actually... correct. Has anyone encountered this kind of construction before?

The way I see it, it's something like:
誰が泣いていたのかさえ[分からないまま]
ここまで私は　流されて

Which would be:
"Not even knowing who it was that had been crying,
I was washed all the way here."

So I don't think you're wrong about the invisible 分からない, but I'm not sure about presenting it in the form of a question.

[EJTranslations]

Perhaps the 'she' in the first stanza should be a 'he'? The singer (and narrator, if 'let down my hair' is any indication) is female, after all.

Given all the stuff about childhood/setting off into the world for the first time here, I was thinking a parent and not a lover, but I guess it is pretty ambiguous in what sense that's meant. I was hoping to avoid using singular "they" (which is a perfectly fine pronoun, I just don't like using it in translations when someone's referring to a specific individual whose gender they would presumably know), but that's probably the best way to go after all.

Perhaps substituting 'lean on' with 'cling to' would convey the childishness of 甘えて in a less obvious fashion?

Thanks, I like that.

---------- Post added at 03:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:44 PM ----------

Looks good! I just have a few small notes.

>The way I see it, it's something like:
誰が泣いていたのかさえ[分からないまま]
ここまで私は　流されて

Which would be:
"Not even knowing who it was that had been crying,
I was washed all the way here."

So I don't think you're wrong about the invisible 分からない, but I'm not sure about presenting it in the form of a question.

Thanks! I guess (if my interpretation of the grammar was right after all) that it really isn't a question, I was just unnecessarily trying to make it match with the previous lines and the earlier versions of that stanza (or whatever you'd call it).