Sound Horizon - Hiiro no Hana

[Haze~]

This is pretty much my first time doing a Sound Horizon song.
Hopefully not my last!
I'd really appreciate any feedback on this. Thanks in advance!

Romaji:

[Rokubanme no kioku]

Yurusanai... yurusanai...

Kurai mori ni yokotawaru teoi no hei o toraeta
Shoujo wa yami wo mitsumete RUBII no emi wo ukabeta...

Akai sora wo miageteta kaze ni nagasareru akanegumo
Shizumanu yuuhi wo miageteta ikusen no kage ga mori wo kaketeyuku

Itsuwari no tasogare ni somatta senjou wo kogashita honoo wa yureodoru

Tada mamorubeki mono no tame "watashi" wa tatakau
Keredo daichi ni shibarareta karada wa ugokanai...

[Wasuremono wa arimasenka...?]

Shoujo no sasayaki wa mori no mashou
Ware wo kegasu mono ni wa wazawai wo
Owarinaki norowareta rinne wo

[Wasuremono wa arimasenka...?]

Karera wo tsukiugokasu housoku
Taisetsu na mono wo mamoru tame
Taisetsu na mono wo ubai tsudzukeru to iu mujun

[Nee, hontou ni taisetsu na mono tte nani?]

Shishin to naru no wa shukan to iu no MONSUTAA
Aa... mata ichirin...
Heitai ga hana wo fumitsuketeyuku...

[Wasuremono wa arimasenka...?]

Kurutta EGO ga miseru maboroshi ibitsu na rasen wo egaite kurikaesu

Samenai akumu ni sainamare tsudzukeru "watashi" wa
Like the rain of garnet senketsu ni somatta hiiro no FURAWAA

[Wasuremono wa arimasenka...?]

Mori no kanata kara ashioto hibikase kakete kuru
Aa..."watashi" ga "WATASHI" wo fumitsubushi ni yatte kuru...

(Yurusanai... yurusanai...)

English:

[6th Memory]

It shan't be forgiven... It shan't be forgiven...

A little girl captured a wounded soldier reclining in a dark forest.
She gazed fixedly into the darkness, composing a ruby smile...

I was looking up to a sky wrecked crimson; the madder clouds set adrift by the wind.
I was looking up to an undescending evening sun; thousands of shadows rushed throughout the forest.

The flames that scorched the battlefield of which upon fell twilight that emerged from lies, dance flutteringly.

For the sake of nothing else than what I ought to protect, "I" will emerge in battle.
However, my body won't impel having being binded to the ground...

[Anything forgotten...?]

The little girl's whisper is the diabolic nature of the forest:
"He who sullies me shall face a calamity...
Face the endless, cursed cycle of life."

[Anything forgotten...?]

A rule drives them forward,
A contradiction that goes as such:
"Keep on plundering one's most treasured things,
In order to maintain yours."

[Say, what would truly be a 'treasured thing'?]

All they have to guide them is a monster, called, 'Ego'.
Ah... there goes another one...
Soldiers are trampling on a flower after another...

[Anything forgotten...?]

The illusions my crazed ego reveals to me draw twisted spirals back and forth.

Constantly tormented by a nightmare there's no waking up from, "I",
Like the rain of garnet, am a Scarlet Flower covered in fresh blood.

[Anything forgotten...?]

Resounding footsteps arise from beyond the forest drawing closer at full speed.
Ah... "I'm" coming to crush "me" under my foot...

(It shan't be forgiven... It shan't be forgiven...)

Kanji:

（六番目の記憶）

赦さない…赦さない…

昏い森に横たわる　手負いの兵を囚えた
少女は闇を見つめて　紅玉(ルビー)の微笑(えみ)を浮かべた…

緋い空を見上げてた　風に流される茜雲
沈まぬ夕陽を見上げてた　幾千の影が森を駈けてゆく

偽りの黄昏に染った　戦場を焦がした焔は揺れ躍る

唯守るべきモノの為『私』は戦う
けれど大地に縛られた身体は動かない…

忘レモノハ在リマセンカ…？

少女の囁きは森の魔性
我を穢す者には災いを
終わりなき呪われた輪廻を

彼らを突き動かす法則
大切なモノを守る為
大切なモノを奪い続けるという矛盾

「ねえ、本当に大切なモノって何？」

指針となるのは主観と謂う名の怪物(モンスター)
鳴呼…また一輪…
兵隊が花を踏みつけて行く…

忘レモノハ在リマセンカ…？

狂った自我(エゴ)が視せる幻想(まぼろし)　歪な螺旋を描いて繰り返す

醒めない悪夢に苛まれ続ける『ワタシ』は
柘榴石の雨のような　鮮血に染まった緋色の花(フラワー)

忘レモノハ在リマセンカ…？

森の彼方から足音響かせ駈けて来る
鳴呼…『私』が『ワタシ』を踏み潰しにやって来る…

(赦さない…赦さない…)

[Happyblossom]

Great translation as always!
I especially liked the 6th paragraph.

I'd say "It shan't be forgiven" would be better as "I won't forgive", but guess that's just me.

[Rei]

Not bad for a first time SanHora translation! I do have a suggestion though- would [Soldiers are trampling on a flower after another] be better as 'Soldiers are trampling on yet another flower'?

Oh and it's just what I feel, but 'Wasuremono wa arimasenka' might sound better as, 'Have you forgotten anythng?' Since the running theme throughout the album seems to be a series of someone's forgotten memories.

[Haze~]

Great translation as always!
I especially liked the 6th paragraph.

I'd say "It shan't be forgiven" would be better as "I won't forgive", but guess that's just me.

Hmm, I'm not sure about that one. The line is already vague enough as it is. xP I originally had "Unforgivable... Unforgivable...".

Not bad for a first time SanHora translation! I do have a suggestion though- would [Soldiers are trampling on a flower after another] be better as 'Soldiers are trampling on yet another flower'?

Oh and it's just what I feel, but 'Wasuremono wa arimasenka' might sound better as, 'Have you forgotten anythng?' Since the running theme throughout the album seems to be a series of someone's forgotten memories.

Erm... I was thinking the ゆく there implies they go on trampling on more and more flowers (people) - that's my take for it anyway.
And I'll keep that in mind. x3

Thanks for all the feedback!

[Rei]

Ah, I just scanned fhrough so I mistook また to be part of the second sentence. My bad!

[EJTranslations]

Great job with this one too! I'm feeling a little inadequate, really; my early attempts at SanHora translation were much, much worse.

>I was looking up to a sky wrecked crimson

I'm not sure where you're getting "wrecked" from?

>However, my body won't impel having being binded to the ground...

"However, my body won't move, having been bound/since it has been bound to the ground..." (I'm not sure whether you misunderstood the line or just tried to get a little too fancy with the thesaurus and ended up with a sentence that meant something a little different from what you intended.)

I'm with Rei on the translation of 忘レモノハ在リマセンカ…？.

>Soldiers are trampling on a flower after another...

I think the translation as you have it is fine, but "one [X] after another" is usually how that construction goes and would sound more natural.

[Haze~]

>"However, my body won't move, having been bound/since it has been bound to the ground..." (I'm not sure whether you misunderstood the line or just tried to get a little too fancy with the thesaurus and ended up with a sentence that meant something a little different from what you intended.)

Mhm, I went a bit too far with this one... Sometimes I should really lean toward the 'simple' zone rather than taking that extra step.

>I think the translation as you have it is fine, but "one [X] after another" is usually how that construction goes and would sound more natural.

I'll take it into account.

Thanks for the feedback!