Originally Posted by
LadyPSerenity
All I did was trip up on every second word, trying to make sure I caught it right.
Grammatical errors aren't the end of the world, but they do tend to help someone else reading your work... read it. Typically if someone doesn't bother with the capitals, commas, periods and simple rules of writing, I don't waste time reading their stuff, but since you seem to think it's all that was seen...
The first time I read it, I choked back the text as it was hard to follow, and lacked much flow. I didn't bother listening to you singing it because I care very little about that, if I want music I'll go to youtube... this is Literature, so I'll go for the written word.
The text has meaning and could be followed, it has a sense of rythm and something to it but it feels almost mashed up. Something is missing from it and it doesn't feel like it has any real ending to it.
Other than that, coz really? Are we Eleven? Even professional song writers don't do that, they use slang but they at least use cuz, or cause, not coz? Are we cozy? or are we saying because in a short form? I can't tell.
The lyrics are all right but could use tweaking.
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