Soul-Shattering

[Kirei Shijin]

Soul-Shattering

Withered writings on your face
Tell me nothing
But that look on your face
It tells me everything

I always wanted to say I'm sorry
Not for what I've done
But for the pain I could not
take away from you
And make it my own
If that would make you happy
I would be okay with daily misery.

That mask, it hides nothing
Your eyes always show me
that there's something more
to you. Something soul-shattering
You're so beautiful, don't you know?
Your eyes, my darling, they glow.

Your complexion lights up the darkest of rooms
This suspense, this longing
I just can't take this
If you ever said you were worthless
You've only been telling yourself a lie

Stop living life in a lie
When you can be in a paradise. In your eyes
is where I find mine.

[SigmaSD]

I really liked the imagery and the word choice was excellent. There were times though where you would stop a sentence half way and continued it on another line. Seemed to sway the poem a different way, like the rhythm. Try and keep the same line of thought going until you hit a pause, otherwise the sentence is forcefully broken. Like example of what I mean.
Which sounds better:

You are the one I love,
I love you. You're the one I just want just
want to kiss you.

or

You are the one I love,
I love you.
You are the one I just want...
Just want to kiss you.

(terrible example, I know).

Like in the last part of the poem, you could have written the part "In your eyes" along with the rest of the bottom part. If you wan to give it effect you can write it as. "In your eyes...is where I find mine". Or whatever you think feels appropriate. Hope I helped. Or um...hopefully I didn't ruin you poem....sorry.

[Kirei Shijin]

Thanks for the feedback and suggestions! I appreciate it.

[SigmaSD]

I am glad you're writing poetry though. Sometimes some of us go through dry spells and can't come up with anything.

What I like about your poem though is that you're willing to absorb someone else's pain and make it your own. You want to make them happier even if it makes you sadder. Sometimes love is like that at times. However, take too much depression from the other person and then it will be the other person comforting you.

[[email protected]]

oh yeah. One of the things i missed the most besides my fellow poets in AF is Kirei's poems. It always gets me. I always get them. I sure am glad that Kirei is still writing. You're one of the only freestylers here. Its like whenever i think of writing a poems, i always use cheap rhymes. Your poems barely rhyme but its great. I love it. I totally get the feel of this poem seriously. Theres so much words to describe how i feel about all your poems as a poet and as a reader but i've said enough for now.

[ultra_maniac]

OH WOW now this is one hell of thing I missed here.

Nice use of words kirei ,I totally love it and start to this poem get's the reader in the poem ,so awesome start.

My fav part was this para totally fabulous.

"Your complexion lights up the darkest of rooms
This suspense, this longing
I just can't take this
If you ever said you were worthless
You've only been telling yourself a lie"

ya it's been a long time man forum changed a lot
night and kirei, sigma good to be back

[Kirei Shijin]

Night and ultra: thank you so much for your kind words! I've missed you two so much. I always appreciated the fact that you have always read my poetry and supported me.

[ultra_maniac]

Night and ultra: thank you so much for your kind words! I've missed you two so much. I always appreciated the fact that you have always read my poetry and supported me.

well I missed you too.
and about the support thing we will support our fellow poets and friends

Now about poem there is thing or too minor flaws not actually flaws, but can affect this poem is some sentences over here like

"You've only been telling yourself a lie"

Now to read it comfortably

"you've only been lying to yourself"

sounds much better thats my opinion off course

and one more

"Stop living life in a lie"

If you put "your" in between "living and life" sounds gracious.

[Kirei Shijin]

Thanks for the suggestions!!

[Kaname Shikara]

Another great poem Kirei! As ones have said above, good imagery is used ^^