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Thread: like a love story

  1. #1
    Romanace Girl sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01's Avatar
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    Default like a love story

    when i first saw you
    i took a deep breath to say hello
    as you look at me and smile you say, "how do you do?"
    blushing as i try to speak, thinking what a nice fellow

    as you take me by the hand
    you would walk me in then you took a seat
    feeling weak in the knees, feeling like i can't stand
    so happy to have met

    a few months later down the road
    you got down on one knee
    looking ever so calm and mellow
    looking down plainly to see

    as tears come down my face, i see a ring
    then he would look at me and say, "will you marry me?"
    looking at him with a smile i say, "yes" feeling like i could sing
    just like a love story it's a happy ending as you can see
    Last edited by sogood01; 01-10-2010 at 02:11 AM.
    *~A moment like this we will never be able to go back. Holding you like this wanting the time to stop. Just the two of us we don't need words.~*



  2. #2
    つき *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki*'s Avatar
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    Default

    Aww, that's really cute. ^_^
    But some of the greatness behind it was thrown off by the mistakes in the writing,
    sorry. >.<

    Anyway, once again you've done a great job! Can't wait for the next. =D

  3. #3
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Default

    That's a really cute/romantic poem!
    But I have to agree with Tsuki, the mistakes within it take away from the good poem.

    Here's your poem again but edited because I'm not sure if you caught some of your mistakes. ^^

    when i first saw you
    i took a deep breath to say hello
    as you look at me and smile you say, "how do you do?"
    blushing as i try to speak, thinking what a nice fellow

    as you take me by the hand
    you would walk me in then you took a seat
    feeling weak in the knees, feeling like i can't stand
    so happy to have met

    a few months later down the road
    you got down on one knee
    looking ever so calm and mellow
    looking down plan to see <- not sure what you were trying to say here, sorry.

    as tears come down my face, i see a ring
    then he would look at me and say, "will you marry me?"
    looking at him with a smile i say, "yes" feeling like i could sing
    just like a love story it's a happy ending as you can see



    The last line was pretty much perfect though, great job!
    Hope I helped.
    Last edited by Kirei Shijin; 01-09-2010 at 11:29 PM.


  4. #4
    つき *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki* has a reputation beyond repute *Tsuki*'s Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirei22 View Post
    That's a really cute/romantic poem!
    But I have to agree with Tsuki, the mistakes within it take away from the good poem.

    Here's your poem again but edited because I'm not sure if you caught some of your mistakes. ^^

    when i first saw you
    i took a deep breath to say hello
    as you look at me and smile you say, "how do you do?"
    blushing as i try to speak, thinking what a nice fellow

    as you take me by the hand
    you would walk me in then you took a seat
    feeling weak in the knees, feeling like i can't stand
    so happy to have met

    a few months later down the road
    you got down on one knee
    looking ever so calm and mellow
    looking down plan to see <- not sure what you were trying to say here, sorry.

    as tears come down my face, i see a ring
    then he would look at me and say, "will you marry me?"
    looking at him with a smile i say, "yes" feeling like i could sing
    just like a love story it's a happy ending as you can see



    The last line was pretty much perfect though, great job!
    Hope I helped.
    Yea, that's much better.
    Oh, but reading it again, I noticed.
    From here:

    a few months later down the road
    you got down on one knee
    looking ever so calm and mellow
    looking down plan to see
    to here:

    as tears come down my face, i see a ring
    then he would look at me and say, "will you marry me?"
    looking at him with a smile i say, "yes" feeling like i could sing
    just like a love story it's a happy ending as you can see
    It turns from first person, to second person. Is there a reason for that?

    Also, this line,
    looking down plan to see
    would definitely make more sense if it was, "Looking down I plainly see."
    Or even, "Looking down, so plain to see." would work.
    I'm also assuming that "plan" is supposed to be "plain." Correct me if I'm wrong.

  5. #5
    Nanobyte's minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default

    The way you wrote some of it was awkward, it kind of disturbed the flow of the poem. I can see what you were trying to do, but it sounds weird, sorry. Maybe if you add some punctuations to make pauses in places to make it dramatic and smooth the flow of the poem down a little.

  6. #6
    Romanace Girl sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01 has a reputation beyond repute sogood01's Avatar
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    Default

    oh >< i'll go over it didn't really notice
    *~A moment like this we will never be able to go back. Holding you like this wanting the time to stop. Just the two of us we don't need words.~*



  7. #7
    Ruler of Fire ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac's Avatar
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    nice story indulge in it good one probably more sense needed to do that awesome even though some mistakes kirei and tsuki corrected that needed something way beyond to think something like that asi said when i reped u u have heck of a talent to write and imagination
    ~ai~rox~

    Thanks teed for the site info

  8. #8
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
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    This poem has a lot of meaning beind and you expressed your emotions strongly while writing it. ^^

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



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