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Thread: Need a flame

  1. #1
    The lonely wolf Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star has a reputation beyond repute Howling Star's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Need a flame

    Need a flame


    Here I am standing in the ice
    Almost frozen
    the feeling's not nice
    Am I chosen

    Chosen to take this pain
    The colder it gets the warmer it feels
    I just wanna disappear in vain
    Gone with this pain in my heels

    And where should I go
    Where should I run of to
    Who will know
    I just run without thinking that's what I do

    So I lift my feet
    And now I see
    I am struck entangled to the ice
    How could this be

    My freedom is taken
    My freedom is disappearing
    My soul is forsaken
    Strange voices are all what I am hearing

    They wanna take me to they're side
    They are bad
    Because of them I can't fight
    They make me sad

    Oh if I only had some fire on my side
    If I only had some fire in my heart
    I would not lose this in my eye sight
    I would not break a part

    Oh please I wait for you my flame
    I know I have lost myself
    I know the old me never came

    back
    Last edited by Howling Star; 06-25-2007 at 06:39 AM.

  2. #2
    Patapon Warrior zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet has a reputation beyond repute zyronet's Avatar
    Gil
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    Oh please I wait for you my flame
    something seems to be missing..
    but flame? ^__^ [gives fire to train]
    kidding..!! good! good!

  3. #3
    The Rogue... Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura has a reputation beyond repute Hamashimura's Avatar
    Gil
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    Oh well...actually,this is step back for you...No offense,but I'm going to explain everything,step by step,the way I think...
    Here I am standing in the ice
    Almost frozen
    The feeling is not very nice
    Am I chosen
    The feeling is not very nice...You kinda put too many words here...How about just ~the feeling's not nice~

    I just wanna disappear in vain
    This one kinda doesn't make sence...How can you dissapear in vain?

    I would not lose this in my eye sight
    Needs to be changed...doesn't connect with the rest of the poem...

    And the rest is fine...Lol,I may have drop in many negativities,but that's how I see this one...
    You were creating very good poems,but this was really step back...
    You're using new words,and stopped using "drop in random phrases",but now you're creating same old mistake...

    One advice - poem can be awesome even if there aren't all words rhyming...
    ...a gift from Balance...the legend itself...

    ~ click the button,I dare you ~

  4. #4
    Serenith's pet Crocodile Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani has a reputation beyond repute Ichiro Matsuchani's Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hamashimura View Post
    Oh well...actually,this is step back for you...No offense,but I'm going to explain everything,step by step,the way I think...
    [Gasp]I'm no longer the only one critiquing now? Oh snap.

    One thing that I noticed. Although some of the stanza's were pretty well written, some things about them bothered me. For example.

    Chosen to take this pain
    The colder it gets the warmer it feels
    I just wanna disappear in vain
    Gone with this pain in my heels
    Disappear in vain? Uh, what? Gone with this pain in my heels? Oh...kay? I won't go into the other Stanza's, because they were very similar in this sense.

    My advice: PROOF-READ! Look over the poem after you've written it. Make sure it makes sense, it's easy to read, and words are used by their proper definition.

    Sig by -Ookami-, thank you Ookami!

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  5. #5
    hold me accountable Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro has a reputation beyond repute Exquiro's Avatar
    Gil
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    Hm... I like it, the feeling of the poem is good... But, I think if you're gonna have a rhyming poem you need to make the whole poem rhyme, you can't just stop 'cos you run outa words, go buy a dictionary or summat. Also a couple of the words are a bit... Bland? I mean ice and nice. 'The feeling's not nice'. It just sounds a bit flat, you sound like you chose nice 'cos it was the only word you knew that rhymed. I think ya need to be more inventive or summat. All the same, better than anything I could do. Good one.
    Last edited by Exquiro; 06-25-2007 at 01:26 PM.
    "Done because we are too meny."

  6. #6
    Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Kagura_Sohma is a jewel in the rough Kagura_Sohma is a jewel in the rough Kagura_Sohma is a jewel in the rough Kagura_Sohma is a jewel in the rough Kagura_Sohma's Avatar
    Gil
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    I'm gonna make you happy and say i liked it, i actually liked it. So what it has a few prob. but who cares it's your poem, screw anyone who doesn't like it. Good job...only good critism coming from me today!!

  7. #7
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ichiro Matsuchani View Post
    [Gasp]I'm no longer the only one critiquing now? Oh snap.

    One thing that I noticed. Although some of the stanza's were pretty well written, some things about them bothered me. For example.

    Disappear in vain? Uh, what? Gone with this pain in my heels? Oh...kay? I won't go into the other Stanza's, because they were very similar in this sense.

    My advice: PROOF-READ! Look over the poem after you've written it. Make sure it makes sense, it's easy to read, and words are used by their proper definition.

    Flaming is not the same thing as "critquing".
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


  8. #8
    Junior Member darkness1991 is a glorious beacon of light darkness1991 is a glorious beacon of light darkness1991 is a glorious beacon of light darkness1991 is a glorious beacon of light darkness1991 is a glorious beacon of light darkness1991 is a glorious beacon of light darkness1991's Avatar
    Gil
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    wow nice i like it i wish i culd write like dat. The only thing i can write is my storys
    naruto the best ninja out there - belive it.

    Heaven doesn't want me and hell is afraid i'll take over.

  9. #9
    Senior Member seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon has much to be proud of seraphic_demon's Avatar
    Gil
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    It is nice,
    Thine soul is mine for the keeping
    As a thousand rivers now dividing
    Provides me with that much needed killing!

    Sig by: Jagan Eye

    Weep as much as you want, and feel the hands of despair groping for your soul, for nothing can ease the pain of losing your beloved, like the gentle thrust of my sword.

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