Naruto Fanfiction: Naruto's New Mission!

[Lone-Wolf-Kai]

“You all must be the new exchange students. Am I right?” said a man wearing a black suit, red tie, and with black hair and brown eyes.
“Well, we sure aren’t seniors at this school!” replied Cynthia.
“What she means is yes, right Cynthia?” said Christina, hoping to cover up for her friend.
“Right. I’m just nervous” said Cynthia, hoping that the principal wouldn’t get mad.
“Well, all of the paperwork for the exchange seems to be complete. Except for the name of the school that all of you came from. What was it called again?” asked the principal, trying to remember if he had even heard them say what the name of the exchange student’s school was.
“Um…it was…a…private school. The….Catholic School…of…Catholic…People…school?” said Oscar, trying to come up with a school name that wouldn’t sound weird.
“Really? That’s an interesting school name. Where exactly is that school? I’ve never heard of it.” said the principal, wondering where the school was, or even if it really existed.
“It’s…in…um…Malaysia” said Joseph, saying the first thing that came to his mind.
“Oh, well here are your schedules. Welcome to YAETC” said the principal giving all of the students their schedules. Afterwards, they all left his office.

“That was close. I can’t believe that he actually believed us” said Juan amazed at how the principal didn’t question them about their school.
“What kind of catholic school is in Malaysia?” asked Lien
“It was the first thing that popped into my head” said Joseph, defending himself.
“Well Malaysia IS in Wisconsin.” said the number one knuckleheaded hyperactive ninja Naruto
“You’re all a bunch of losers. I can’t believe I got stuck on this mission with you guys.” said Sasuke as he was leaning on a wall.
“Sasuke! Why you-“ was all Naruto could say before he was cut off.
“Calm down Naruto. Sasuke was only kidding. Right Sasuke?” said Zen, cutting off Naruto before he got mad and blew their cover.
“No, not really. You sure are dense. I think you’re an even bigger pain than Naruto” said Sasuke with his eyes closed.
“I’m not dense! The least you could’ve done was cooperate! Like it or not you’re stuck on a mission with us, so deal with it Uchiha!” said Zen
“Whatever, loser” said Sasuke as he left the others.
“So what do you think the mission is?” asked Christina wondering what the mission is.
“I bet it’s something dumb” said Michael
“It had better be something important, because this school is boring” replied Evelyn
“Tell me about it, I’m already bored” said Cynthia, looking around the school.
“Well, at least we have pocky” said Juan, trying to lighten things up for the others
“That’s true. Joseph, bring out the pocky!” said Christina
“Okay, here you go. One for each of us!” said Joseph passing out the boxes of pocky to each of his friends.
“Uh…Joseph…why are these pocky boxes empty? Asked Lien, wondering where all of the pocky was.
“well…you see…there’s a good explanation” said Joseph
“Well?” everyone asked
“You see…uh…I was getting the pocky, just like you all asked, when these mist ninja came out of nowhere, attacked me, used some kind of weird special jutsu, and the next thing I knew, all the pocky was gone!” said Joseph, hoping that his friends would believe him
“Okay, now tell us what really happened” said Christina.
“Uh…well…I thought that the pocky seller looked suspicious, like he had out something in the pocky…like poison…So I was willing to take one for the team!The good news is, the pocky didn’t have poison” said Joseph
“Let’s try this again. What happened to the pocky!? The ruth this time! Or do we have to use a jutsu?” said Isabella sensei.
“Okay! So I ate the pocky! But I was hungry…and the pocky looked soo good. It wa either pocky or carrots” said Joseph
“Then next time eat the evil carrots. They’re a lot healthier for a growing ninja.” Said Lien.
“You’re just saying that because you want pocky: replied Joseph
“Yeah, pretty much” said Lien.
“Well, at least Naruto brought the ramen.” said Evelyn, trying to see the bright side of things.
“That’s right! I brought the ramen. Here you go!” said Naruto as he passed out some instant ramen cups.
“Uh…Naruto…this ramen is empty” said Michael
“Don’t tell me, Joseph” said Oscar looking suspiciously at Joseph.
“It wasn’t me this time1 I mean it!” said Joseph, trying to reassure his friends.
“Well, if it wasn’t you, then who was it?” asked Christina
“Oh, that was me.” said Isabella sensei.
“”What’d you have to eat the ramen for?” asked Cynthia
“Well, as the eldest ninja and as your sensei, I need the energy from the food to protect and teach all of you…that and I got hungry” replied Isabella sensei.
“We just had to get stuck with you” said Lien
“Looks like we’ll have to buy our lunch here” said Zen discouraged at the thought of eating horrible cafeteria food.
“Too bad they don’t have a good ramen, pocky, or sushi stand around here” said Joseph.
“You should’ve thought about that before you ate all of the pocky. You’re such a horrible pocky supplier.” said Juan
“Yeah, that’s right!” replied Isabella sensei.
“Look who’s talking Ms. I’ll-just-go-and-eat-all-of-our-ramen! You’re a horrible sensei!” said Oscar.
“umm…excuse me…you guys must be the new students…am I right?” asked a boy
“Who wants to know?...I mean…yes, we are” replied Cynthia.
“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Kane. So, which school did you guys come from?” asked the boy, wondering where the new students were from.
“If we told you that, we’d have to kill you.” said Sasuke returning from wherever he was.
“Sasuke doesn’t really mean that.He’s just joking around. Right Sasuke?” said Zen, hoping that the boy wouldn’t freak out.
“No, I’m pretty sure I meant everything I said. Besides, I don’t joke around. I’m not Naruto” said Sasuke with a smirk on his face.
“Thanks again for your great cooperation Sasuke” said Zen, annoyed at the fact that Sasuke wouldn’t cooperate.
“No problem” replied Sasuke with an even bigger smirk on his face.

[Hypergraphian]

Alright, this is my first post and it happens to be in the fanfiction section because I am absolutely in love and will always be in love with writing... Now for my comments on the above post and what I assume was a one shot since there's no indication of a continuation....

Although the read was just mildly fluid in terms of conversation, I'm inclined to wondering what was the point of the entire piece? Was it to get pocky? You had me lost half way wondering what your intentions were and finally Sasuke backed out of the mission and I was left unsure of why that was....

Overall, lack of description, motive and emotion.... perhaps you had something on your mind which was nothing short of fantastic I assume, but I think you need to articulate more.... readers don't always already know just by conversation what is going on....

But then again, this could be purely my opinion since every reader/writer tends to vary in terms of presentation, preference and ultimately styles...

[Ichiro Matsuchani]

I actually agree with you. Simply putting the dialogue doesn't paint the picture of their surroundings and the situation. As already mentioned, I didn't really understand the whole point of this, since it's really hard to get that out of flat dialogue.

Since I finally settled a misunderstanding about how to label threads with Dorian, I'll simply rename it for you.