Jokes

[yheero]

Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

[Chewbaka]

I got one:
Four blondes were in a car going to Disneyland. They were very tired after driving for four hours. Finally, they see a sign that said,"Disneyland left," and turned around and went home.

[yheero]

You've changed my mind
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."

[samuriagent]

two blondes are on opposite sides of a river, blonde A yells to bloned B
"How do you get to the other side?"
blonde B replies
"Other side, your already there."


okay, that one wasnt too good. heres another
a cosmonaut, astronaut, and a blonde were having a conversation, the cosmunaut said
"we were the first in space."
the astrounaut said
"so, we were the first on the moon."
and finally the blonde said
"so what, were going to be the first to the sun!"
both the cosmonaut and astronaut said
"you cant land on the sun!"
and the blonde replied
"duh, were going at night!"

[patcat]

Here's one, Three guys were standing on the empire state building. The third guy said to the first guy: Did you know we are up so high that if you jump off you will come to the second story, stop and float upward back to the top.
so the fist guy said: ok if thats true you do it
And so the third guy jumped, stoped at the second story and floated up. so the first guy said: WOW THATS COOL I'LL TRY IT !
he jumped off and died and the second guy said to the third one: Wow super man you sure can be mean

[yheero]

Want to go into space?
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

[Eris]

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of newbies?
A: You knock on the hatch.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of newbies again?
A: You knock on the hatch again, after which the newbies open it to tell you that "OMG!!11!! WTF?!?!!111 UR LAME!!!111!!!1!".

[Koodori Seishou]

Okay, heres a silly little snail joke;
A snail goes up to a guy's door and ring the door bell. They comes and and sees nobody. He looks left, righe, then down and sees the snail. He freaks out and kicks the snail across his yard. A year later the same guy hears the door bell ring and when he answers it, the snail screams "What the hell was that for?!!"


^^ Okay heres a better joke;
A guy dies and wakes to find himself in hell. He meets a demon for the first time.
Guy: Holy crap I'm in hell!!
Demon: Hey, its not so bad.
Guy: Really? How?
Demon: Do you smoke?
Guy: Of course!
Demon: Oh you're gonna LOVE Mondays. Do you drink?
Guy: I'm an alchoholic! Yeah!
Demon: You're gonna LOVE Tuesdays too! Do you do drugs?
Guy: I havn't tried them.. Sounds fun though!
Demon: Oh man!! You're so gonna LOVE Wednesday. Um... Are you gay?
Guy: No!
Demon: Oh... Dang... You're gonna HATE Thursdays

[Alien Sinn]

OK here's one you probably never heard.

Three guys all want to marry the same girl. So her father tells the men that if they can survive jumping off the Empire State building they can marry his daughter. So the three guys, American, French, and Chinese all climb to the top of the Empire State. First the American guys jumps, he yells "AHHH!!" and splats and dies. Next the French guy jumps he yell "UUUOOOOHH!" And splats and dies. Next the Chinese man jumps and lands safely. The father asks him "How'd you do that?" The chinese man says "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick parachute in my bum."

[silverbangles]

OMG,you ppl are halarious!!!
i have one!
a policeman is called to the home of a middle age couple for a reported domestic disterbance. when he gets there, he finds the husband stabbed to death on the floor, and the wife calmly sitting on the sofa drinking a beer. the policeman hauls up the protesting wife and says,'' ma'am, you're unde arrest'' and slaps on the cuffs. the wife cries,'' wat for?!'' th policeman,'' ma'am, you stabbed your husband to death!'' the wife,'' i didnt know he was dead!'' the policeman,'' how can you not realize something like that?!'' the wife,'' well, ive stabbed him plenty a times before, but he aint never died!"

ya,i no,its kinda lame...

[Kewii]

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