I noticed some issues with the translation for kz's Packaged
Todoite iru ka na (occurs several times)While it's a valid word-for-word translation, I think the intention is "... reaching you". Similarly the last verse should have "It's reaching you, right?"
I wonder if it's reaching.
verse 3 lines 1-2
Te no hira kara koboreochitaare one sentence
Oto no tsubu wo sagashiteru no
It dripped down from the palm of my hand.
I'm searching for the drop of a sound.
I'm searching for the grain of soundIn lines 3-4, "stuffed" might be a literal translation, but is a mismatch with the tone of the lyrics
that fell out of the palm of my hand.
Package ni tsumeta kono omoi woWhat about "that I wrapped in a package ..." or "that I placed in a package ..."?
Tsutaetai no anata ni dake
I want to convey this feeling
That was stuffed into a package only to you.
Last verse
Kono sekai ni egao woTodoku is normally intransitive but according to the dictionary, it can be a literary version of todokeru. So I think it means "by means of you and me [this song] is delivering a smile to this world". How about we amend it as follows:
Watashi to anata de
Todoite iru desho
Hibiite iru yo ne
We smile to the world,
You and I.
It's reaching, right?
It's echoing, isn't it?
We bring a smile to the world,Do these changes sound OK?
you and I,
It's reaching you, right?
It's echoing, isn't it?
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