Packaged translatioin corrections

[Raichu]

I noticed some issues with the translation for kz's Packaged

Todoite iru ka na (occurs several times)

I wonder if it's reaching.

While it's a valid word-for-word translation, I think the intention is "... reaching you". Similarly the last verse should have "It's reaching you, right?"



verse 3 lines 1-2

Te no hira kara koboreochita
Oto no tsubu wo sagashiteru no
It dripped down from the palm of my hand.
I'm searching for the drop of a sound.

are one sentence

I'm searching for the grain of sound
that fell out of the palm of my hand.

In lines 3-4, "stuffed" might be a literal translation, but is a mismatch with the tone of the lyrics

Package ni tsumeta kono omoi wo
Tsutaetai no anata ni dake
I want to convey this feeling
That was stuffed into a package only to you.

What about "that I wrapped in a package ..." or "that I placed in a package ..."?



Last verse

Kono sekai ni egao wo
Watashi to anata de
Todoite iru desho
Hibiite iru yo ne
We smile to the world,
You and I.
It's reaching, right?
It's echoing, isn't it?

Todoku is normally intransitive but according to the dictionary, it can be a literary version of todokeru. So I think it means "by means of you and me [this song] is delivering a smile to this world". How about we amend it as follows:

We bring a smile to the world,
you and I,
It's reaching you, right?
It's echoing, isn't it?

Do these changes sound OK?

[Fuukanou]

I agree with these changes. Mewpudding hasn't been on for half a decade now so I'm gonna just make the changes. The one doubt I have is why is it "It's reaching you" when there are two things above it, but I guess it doesn't sound wrong.

[Raichu]

Don't you think it means we're delivering a smile to you? Another interpretation I can think of is that todokete iru is implied after anata de, and todoite iru refers to the song reaching you.


Either way, I think the amended wording preserves both interpretations.

[Fuukanou]

I guess. The corrections have been made at any rate.