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Thread: Packaged translatioin corrections

  1. #1
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    Default Packaged translatioin corrections

    I noticed some issues with the translation for kz's Packaged

    Todoite iru ka na (occurs several times)

    I wonder if it's reaching.
    While it's a valid word-for-word translation, I think the intention is "... reaching you". Similarly the last verse should have "It's reaching you, right?"



    verse 3 lines 1-2
    Te no hira kara koboreochita
    Oto no tsubu wo sagashiteru no
    It dripped down from the palm of my hand.
    I'm searching for the drop of a sound.
    are one sentence
    I'm searching for the grain of sound
    that fell out of the palm of my hand.

    In lines 3-4, "stuffed" might be a literal translation, but is a mismatch with the tone of the lyrics
    Package ni tsumeta kono omoi wo
    Tsutaetai no anata ni dake
    I want to convey this feeling
    That was stuffed into a package only to you.
    What about "that I wrapped in a package ..." or "that I placed in a package ..."?



    Last verse
    Kono sekai ni egao wo
    Watashi to anata de
    Todoite iru desho
    Hibiite iru yo ne
    We smile to the world,
    You and I.
    It's reaching, right?
    It's echoing, isn't it?
    Todoku is normally intransitive but according to the dictionary, it can be a literary version of todokeru. So I think it means "by means of you and me [this song] is delivering a smile to this world". How about we amend it as follows:
    We bring a smile to the world,
    you and I,
    It's reaching you, right?
    It's echoing, isn't it?

    Do these changes sound OK?

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    Default Re: Packaged translatioin corrections

    I agree with these changes. Mewpudding hasn't been on for half a decade now so I'm gonna just make the changes. The one doubt I have is why is it "It's reaching you" when there are two things above it, but I guess it doesn't sound wrong.

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    Default Re: Packaged translatioin corrections

    Don't you think it means we're delivering a smile to you? Another interpretation I can think of is that todokete iru is implied after anata de, and todoite iru refers to the song reaching you.


    Either way, I think the amended wording preserves both interpretations.

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    Default Re: Packaged translatioin corrections

    I guess. The corrections have been made at any rate.

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