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Thread: The Everlasting Guilty Crown

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    Default The Everlasting Guilty Crown

    https://www.animelyrics.com/anime/gu...rlastinggc.htm

    I noticed this translation used "thing" as a translation for something that was clearly "person", and then I looked more closely and noticed some other weirdness:

    「支配し支配され人達は
    いつかその心に憎しみを
    そして愛することを思い出せず
    争うの?」
    Do people who control and are controlled
    One day forget what it means to love
    Because of the hatred in their hearts,
    And attack others?
    -> If people who control and are controlled
    -> One day forget the hate in their hearts
    -> And also forget how to love
    -> Would they keep on fighting?

    (The hatred isn't causing them to forget, the hatred is what's being forgotten.)

    嵐の海を行く時も
    決して臆することのない強さを
    くれるから
    Because even in times in which I must go to the stormy ocean,
    It gives you strength
    That never hesitates.
    -> Even if you travel the stormy ocean
    -> You will get the strength
    -> To stop hesitating

    (Mostly I just don't like the "I must" part, because it sounds worse and isn't in the original Japanese; the rest is just to make it flow better.)

    「涙などとうに枯れて」
    Their tears dried.
    -> Their tears long since dried.

    (I think there's no reason not to translate 「とうに」 here.)

    「気付いて」
    Notice it.
    -> Pay attention.

    ("To notice" isn't really a conscious action that can be put in the imperative in English.)

    「その目は互いを認めるため
    その声は想いを伝えるため
    その手は大事な人と繋ぐためにある」
    Your eyes are for acknowledging each other.
    Your voice is to convey your feelings.
    Your hand is to hold with the one who is precious to you.
    -> Your eyes are for acknowledging each other.
    -> Your voice is for conveying your feelings.
    -> Your hand is for holding the hand of the person who's precious to you.

    (The last two lines were grammatically incorrect. The new version has better parallels between lines, anyway.)

    「その手で守ろうとしたものは
    愛する者だったのだろうか」
    Are those things you tried to protect
    The things you truly loved?
    -> Are the things you tried to protect
    -> Really the people you loved?

    ("Mono" can be either "thing" or "person", but if the lyric booklet uses 者, that's unambiguously "person".)

    「必ずあなたは生きていく強さを
    持てるから」
    I am sure you will come out
    Holding the strength to live on.
    -> You will always come out with
    -> The strength to live on

    (While "to hold" is one definition of 持つ, it's clearly used to mean "to have" here. And while I'm touching this, I think "I am sure" sounds way too personal for this phrasing, and "always" works better.)

    「この歌が聴こえてる
    生命ある全ての者よ」
    I can hear this song coming to me.
    All you who have life,
    -> If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    -> Each and every one of you,

    「この歌が聴こえてる
    世界中の寄る辺なき者よ」
    I can hear this song coming to me.
    All of you who have nowhere to go,
    -> If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    -> If you have nowhere to go,

    (Fuukanou pointed these out to me; they make more sense as one sentence than as two.)
    Last edited by Serine; 02-09-2020 at 10:58 PM.

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    Default Re: The Everlasting Guilty Crown

    While we're here, what are your thoughts on the

    この歌が聴こえてる
    生命ある全ての者よ

    being treated as individual lines rather than using attributive form to make it この歌が聴こえてる生命ある全ての者よ (All you living things that can hear this song).
    I dunno why but I've always imagined it being the latter rather than the former but I don't see anything that makes it definitely one or the other.

    Also @bluepenguin please check this translation correction

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    Default Re: The Everlasting Guilty Crown

    Oh, you're right. I think it makes much more sense as "All you living things who can hear this song". I do tend to try to preserve parallelism in songs, though. Maybe something along the lines of "If you can hear this song,"

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    Default Re: The Everlasting Guilty Crown

    Quote Originally Posted by Serei View Post
    Oh, you're right. I think it makes much more sense as "All you living things who can hear this song". I do tend to try to preserve parallelism in songs, though. Maybe something along the lines of "If you can hear this song,"

    I presume that goes with the other choruses as well then? (also I recommend you update your original post with all your corrections)

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    Default Re: The Everlasting Guilty Crown

    Sure. I ended up going with:

    「この歌が聴こえてる
    生命ある全ての者よ」
    I can hear this song coming to me.
    All you who have life,
    -> If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    -> Each and every one of you,

    「この歌が聴こえてる
    世界中の寄る辺なき者よ」
    I can hear this song coming to me.
    All of you who have nowhere to go,
    -> If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    -> If you have nowhere to go,

    I took some liberties but I think it flows better and accurately reflects the intent.

    ---------- Post added at 12:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:00 AM ----------

    I tried to only replace the things that were incorrect translations, not matters of style or opinion, and I think I still accidentally replaced over half the song, so I think bluepenguin might ask for a full replacement, so I'll just prepare one ahead of time:
    The world is trying to bring about the end
    And no one is trying to stop it.
    -- It's starting
    The symphony of destruction echoes out.
    The falling rain sounds almost like tears.

    Tell me.

    If people who control and are controlled
    One day forget the hate in their hearts
    And also forget how to love
    Would they keep on fighting?

    If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    Each and every one of you,
    The truth is inside you all.
    Even if you travel the stormy ocean,
    You will get the strength
    To stop hesitating.

    But the further you go, the stronger the winds are,
    And the light of hope gets dimmer and dimmer.
    "Give me the light", say the people fighting each other.
    In the end, people even start killing each other,
    Their tears long since dried.

    Pay attention.

    Your eyes are for appreciating each other.
    Your voice is for conveying your feelings.
    Your hand is for holding the hand of the person who's precious to you.

    If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    If you have nowhere to go,
    Hope is inside you all.
    Even in a blazing fire,
    You will get the strength
    To stop hurting.

    Are the things you tried to protect
    Really the people you loved?
    Gazing over your bloodstained hands,
    You realize the foolishness of what you've done.
    You finally acknowledge your sins,
    And your tears will be endless.

    If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    Each and every one of you,
    The truth is inside you all.
    The ocean's storms have quieted,
    But we've lost more people than we can count.

    If you can hear this song, it's for you,
    If you have nowhere to go,
    Hope is inside you all.
    Even if we're past the night of sadness,
    You will get the strength
    To stop hurting
    Last edited by Serine; 02-09-2020 at 11:26 PM.

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    Default Re: The Everlasting Guilty Crown

    Thanks @Serine and @Fuukanou ! I agree that this is substantial enough for a replacement, so I'll go ahead and do that.

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