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Thread: Startear

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    Default Startear

    OK, I'm going to say upfront this song's been bugging me for a while now and so I might be a bit overcritical. I feel like this song has been translated very liberally. I respect the fact that translators need to use a bit of poetic license to translate the song, but there are points in this song where it becomes unrecognisable.

    I will also admit I was a bit lazy for this one and threw in the corresponding lines from my translation (, and so my corrections don't line up with the current translation, but if needed I can attempt to modify the original lines to correct as little as possible.

    As before I'll write it in order kanji -> original translation -> new translation -> [explanation]. It's a translation correction, so please could you look at it @bluepenguin

    もっと 強く
    そう 強くなりたいと願った
    I want to be stronger; just a little stronger
    With that, I made a wish,
    In hopes of overcoming this sadness
    I wished to become strong
    Until I overcome this sadness...

    [First two lines are fine, they're just there for context. The third line is incomplete in Japanese, but in the final verse, there's a line 悲しみを超えて 辿り着く日まで which gives context as to what is left incomplete. I suggest we shorten the English complete line (at the risk of putting words in their mouth) rather than translate the Japanese incomplete line by itself. I omitted the 日 though to keep it as relevant as possible]

    変わることない過去に 何度も背を向けてた
    誰にも見せられない 傷を隠したまま ずっと
    For too many times have I turned back, looking at my past that could never be changed
    I'll conceal these scars for the rest of my life, for I will not show them to anyone
    I've turned my back to my unchanging past countless times
    With my wounds that I couldn't show to anyone hidden the whole time

    [First line appears to misread 背を向けてた for 振り向けた, second line doesn't use passive or (the more likely) potential form.]

    いつか消える温もりなら ひとつもいらないよ
    I don't need this ephemeral warmth they call 'love'
    If this warmth will one day vanish, then I don't want a single bit of it
    [Personally I don't see the need for putting words in their mouth for the love bit and missing out the ひとつもいらないよ]

    暗闇を駆ける 孤独な星のように
    So as to overcome this darkness by myself
    Like a solitary star rushing through the darkness
    [This is one of the few places in this song where I think the poetic license has gone a bit too far. I can see where they were going but it's not like the original line doesn't work and make sense]

    心深く沈めた 弱くて脆い自分
    But even so, my heart began to sink; along with my weak existence
    I sunk deep within my heart; my weak fragile self,
    [I think it's the weak fragile self that's sinking, not the heart]

    きみに触れた日から 広がる景色の中
    そっと伸ばす腕で 確かめるように 抱き締めた
    Amidst my suffering, my world brightened in your presence
    In disbelief, I reached out towards this landscape, now colored in pastel
    Since the day I touched you, in this expanding scenery,
    With gently extended arms, I embraced you as to check your presence

    [Okay, I'm not 100% sure about the correction of this line (precisely who/what is being embraced), but I can tell that the poetic license has gone a bit too far with this verse. It feels like the translator had a mental image that they wanted to convey, but I feel like it came at too great a cost]

    胸に込み上げた 焔に 誓うように
    心深く沈めた 思いがいつの日か
    明日を変えられる 光になるように
    いつまでも この場所で わたしは 輝く未来を待ってる
    For these feelings in my heart, are genuine and sincere
    Thus forth, I submerged my emotions, knowing that one day,
    Those feelings will eventually change my fate
    And hence, I'll be here, awaiting the brilliant future that tomorrow holds
    As if to vow on the flames welling up inside me,
    So that my feelings I sunk deep within my heart would one day
    Become a light that can change tomorrow,
    I'll be forever awaiting a shining future here

    [I can't work out what's happened to the first line. For the second line, again I think it's the 思い that have been 心深く沈めた. Third line omits all reference to it being a light that the feelings are turning into and it's the light that's changing tomorrow]

    涙の中 目覚めた きみを守る誓い
    悲しみを超えて 辿り着く日まで
    I'll stop crying, in order to protect you
    And I'll overcome this sadness, placing all my faith,
    In hopes that one day, this beating heart of mine,
    Will guide me to recovery
    Amidst all my tears, my vow to protect you awoke
    Until the day comes I overcome this sadness and reach,
    I'll keep believing in
    The beat of my heart pounding from the new start

    [First line omits the 目覚めた. Not sure where the last line is coming from]
    Last edited by Fuukanou; 01-16-2020 at 03:29 PM.

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