Hell Girl, as performed by the cast of Family Guy!

Ai . . . . . . . . . Meg
Wanyuudou . . . . . . . . Peter
Onna . . . . . . . . . Lois
Ren . . . . . . . . Chris
Kikuri . . . . . . . . Brian
Stewie . . . . . . . . Stewie

Stewie is in his room with his computer. It is night and dark in the room.

Stewie: Midnight. A perfect time for revenge. And I shall have vengeance, Timmy Ferguson! The scourge of Kittie Kiddie Day Care shall feel my wrath! No more stealing my milk and cookies during snack time. No more hogging the bucket in the sand box. Let’s see. (Reading from the screen.) “Welcome to the Hell Girl website. Get ready for loads of fun.” OK. “Type in the name of the person you wish to have revenge on, and then press enter.” Alright. Timmmy Ferguson. “Please enter your credit card number.” What? How on earth is a kid like me supposed to get a credit card? Good think I had the foresight to keep Quagmire’s cards after I found his wallet. Press enter. . . .

Ai appears along with Wanyuudou, Onna, Ren, and Kikuri.

Stewie: ,. . . and. . . . Nothing. Nothing happens. What the (bleep) is this?

Ai: (Clearing throat) Ahem.

Stewie: What a (bleep)ing racket. I ought to report this.

Ai: Ahem.

Stewie: After getting my hopes up. . . .

Ai: I’m standing right in back of you.

Stewie: Oh, there you are. I didn’t notice.

Onna: (Laughing)Yeah, she gets that all the time.

Wanyuudou, Ren, and Kikuri all laugh.

Ai: I could do with a little help here!

Onna: Oh, sorry sweetie. You go right ahead.

Stewie: Yes, go send Timmy Ferguson to hell already. You’re wasting time.

Ai: Not so fast. First you have to realize there is a price.

Stewie: Yeah, I know. I paid already with Quagmire’s credit card.

Ai: There’s more.

Stewie: What? Is there a delivery charge now? Or did that cheapskate Quagmire’s card get rejected?

Ai: The price is that once you die, you too go to hell.

Stewie: So it is the card, right? Well I have a few others here.

Ai: No. Everyone must pay that price. Even me. I destroyed my entire village and killed everyone who lived there. (Starts crying.) Now I have to go through eternity with bloodshot eyes, sending people to hell! I’ll never get a boyfriend with a job like that! I’ll remain a virgin forever! (Runs from room crying.) My life totally sucks!

There is a long silence.

Wanyuudou: Well, that was pretty. . . . What’s the word I want? It’s a big one. Two syllables.

Kiruki: You mean awkward?

Wanyuudou: Yeah, that’s the one. What Kiruki said.

Ren: Now what do we do?

Onna: I think we walk away very slowly.

Stewie: Just a minute. Who’s going to send Timmy Ferguson to hell?

Wanyydou, Ren, Onna, and Kiruki run quickly away.

Stewie: Well, two can play that game. (Sits down at his computer.) “Type in the name of the person you wish to have revenge on, and then press enter.” Now how do you spell Ai?