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Thread: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

  1. #1
    Junior Member Fishy Boi is on a distinguished road Fishy Boi's Avatar
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    Question "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

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    "> " /> ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.


    Colloid is an underrated Vocaloid producer, who I admire a lot. I managed to get the kanji for this song and compile it into a translation. Thing is, someone already translated it.

    There is already a translation, but the title is slightly mistranslated, as it says "My Tonsils Hurt" when I got "My Tonsils are Sore". Sore would make a better term to describe the feeling.

    The translation is very simple for mine:

    前髪を伸ばそう 見えないように
    I('ll) grow out my fringe, to blind myself

    ボリュームを上げよう 聞こえないように
    I('ll) raise the volume, to deafen my ears

    扁桃腺が痛いよ
    My tonsils/throat hurt.

    ずっと
    Constantly.


    手首は怖いから 親指を噛もう
    Since wrists are scary, I chew my thumb.
    手首は怖いから
    Since wrists are scary,

    吐く
    I'll vomit.

    I would've gotten "Much worse" from zutto, but "zutto" is all is that is said.

    Despite being a simple yet straightforward song, I am not too sure if I got the lyrics correct. The translations are very similar, yet who got the feeling more accurately?

    EDIT: Thanks, edited
    Last edited by Fishy Boi; 03-30-2018 at 02:50 PM.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    So from the lyrics and video, the story that I'm getting is that the singer's tonsils hurt because she is often forcing herself to vomit.
    She doesn't have the courage to cut her wrists, and so this is the alternative for her.

    I think "My Tonsils Hurt" is fine. Though, I also see no issue with translating it simply as "My Throat Hurts".
    Of course, there is nothing really wrong with "My Tonsils are Sore" either, but I feel that it's more like a statement, when the other appears a little more like a complaint.

    "so I won't...."
    There's nothing really wrong with this line, but I thought that I might mention that there are other ways in which you can word it, which flow better with the sentence and sound more natural when spoken in English. When translating, it always helps to keep mindful of a balance between staying true to the original remarks, and naturalisation of a sentence.
    How might it actually be written or spoken if it were originally done so in English? Afterall, a true translation expresses the feeling of the line as much as the near-literal meaning.

    I wouldn't translate "ずっと" as "Long ago".

    "I bite my thumb".
    Given the context, I more imagine the singer chewing a fingernail as a nervous tick. Chewing is something done over an extended period of time, whereas biting is instantaneous and then it is over.
    I don't like putting words in the minds/mouths of others, but I would say something more like "I chew my thumb(nail)".


    And just as a personal opinion, "bangs" is such a weird word. I don't understand why it's a thing, and it only seems to be used in America. For years I was confused whenever I heard the word. I thought it referred to some kind of fancy hair style and not a "fringe", which it is supposed to be called. That's just my own opinion, though.
    I understand that the word is understood by some, but I just wanted to put it out there that not all will. You need to be mindful of nationally and globally used words.

    Overall, the translation is fine. I just wanted to give a few hopefully insightful opinions. Maybe it can open your mind more to the different ways in which a song might be translated.
    It is admittedly a delicate path that takes a fair amount of fine-tuning to get right. Even for me.

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    Have a lyrics request? Feel free to ask. Specialty - Vocaloid and other doujin music.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    I would actually argue that "My Tonsils are Sore" is worse than "My Tonsils Hurt". The word 'sore' refers to a specific type of pain, and that's not actually what '痛い' means - it doesn't have that kind of limitation. 'Hurt', on the other hand, has a scope similar to '痛い'.

    I would also argue that "I'm afraid of wrists" is not a good way to translate "手首は怖い". The way you have it feels overinterpreted - it makes it seem too much like wrists are scary just because of what they are. The Japanese (through subtleties of 'は') actually leaves some room where wrists are scary in some particular, unspecified context. In that sense, I think the video's wording of "wrists are scary" gives sufficient leeway through simplicity. The meaning of "afraid of wrists" is still in there, but the video's wording also more naturally allows the interpretation where, say, wrists are scary specifically in context as targets of self harm, in parallel to thumbs later in the line.
    Last edited by bambooXZX; 03-24-2018 at 10:20 AM.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    This was very helpful, thanks. I changed it, feel free to see if I did anything better than last time.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    It's definitely looking better! I just have some nitpicks to contribute:

    Regarding the line 吐く, the implied subject here is clearly "I," since the singer is talking about herself throughout the song, so I think it's odd to drop the subject in the translation (which in any case isn't really grammatically acceptable in English).

    I prefer "continuously" to "even worse" for ずっと; I think that's more what it's going for, that her tonsils have been hurting for a while and she expects them to keep on doing that.

    I also think some of the cause-and-effect(?) implication of ように is missing from the first two lines. I might personally go with something like "I'll grow out my fringe so I can't see / I'll turn up the volume so I can't hear," but I think "to blind myself" and "to deafen my ears" would be fine.

    Note also that the そう/よう verb endings in those two lines are a conjugation that generally either means "I'll [verb]" or "let's [verb]" depending on context. This shows up again with 噛もう later on.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    Ah.... again, I didn't want to say/tell you what is best to write. That is best done and learnt by the original translator themselves.

    First of all, I agree with bluepenguin's suggestions. He is right, too. It IS looking much better.

    My one nitpick which hasn't been mentioned by others is that although you are on the right track "continuously" while appropriate, seems a bit of a strange way to mention a pain as being to me.
    Yes, it is not wrong, but it sounds rather stiff in this context. To me, at least. Not like shall we say "constantly" would, for instance.
    You don't need to change it though, really. I know that I talk differently from other people.

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    Have a lyrics request? Feel free to ask. Specialty - Vocaloid and other doujin music.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    Yeah, thanks guys! I use this song as more of a practice because Kikuo's songs feel weird to translate, but I think it's important to translate them because Gabicho appears to remove kanji from the original lyrics to get results.

    Also, fixed it a bit.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    Yeah, there are a lot of inaccurate Vocaloid translations out there; that motivates a lot of my Vocaloid translations, too. I think it's admirable that you're doing some practice and getting feedback in order to put out some better quality translations.

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    Default Re: "My Tonsils are Sore" // Colloid

    Quote Originally Posted by bluepenguin View Post
    Yeah, there are a lot of inaccurate Vocaloid translations out there; that motivates a lot of my Vocaloid translations, too. I think it's admirable that you're doing some practice and getting feedback in order to put out some better quality translations.
    Thank you so much! I really want to make the songs out there more accurate-sounding. So the authors are respected. Sadly, since Hikari no Yume is gone from the BlackCero drama, looks like it's just up to us to work on translations of older songs. I read Damesukekun's blog to make sure I translate a song no recommended/neutral translator has done, or a song that has been translated only by them.

    Kikuo's songs are proving a bit difficult.

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