"Ware wa Korekutaa" refurbishing

[danuguy]

Hi!

This is about http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/pocketm/wwk.htm. It's old, but it needs a bit of love.

1) Section 1 should read as

I am not someone's king
Nor am I someone's soldier

to better reflect the dewa nai / demo nai nuance.

2) Section 2 typo: things

3) I feel like Section 4 has a problem, and I don't know if I've found the optimal solution. "kinou wo houmuri wa shinai" being translated as won't "entomb" tomorrow is what sounds wrong to me.

Houmuri meaning burial, this obsessed collector guy is implying he won't let yesterday be consigned to oblivion, but will instead preserve it in his collection. "Entomb" may be a confusing word choice, because it can also mean "trapping." I won't release tomorrow, I won't trap yesterday? Nope!

You need something that unequivocally means he won't let it die. Another way of saying "won't release" without repeating the first line outright. Here's my suggestion for this section, including a bit of stylistic fanciness to match my later changes:

I shan't release tomorrow
I shan't put yesterday to rest

"I shan't put tomorrow behind" could also be something. If someone has a better idea, by all means!

4) Section 5: I'm getting a weird vibe from the second line, but maybe it's just me. Thoughts?

5) Section 7: Miru ga ii and kiku ga ii are the imperative "look" and "listen," and the English should be changed to reflect this. I suggest

Behold... this blissful light
Hark... this heavenly melody

6) Section 8, line 1: My main issue is with "Above the ground." Yes, he has his floating fortress, but let's not spoil it. This was "chijou" as in "the surface of the ground," to work as the opposite of line 2's "sora."

I like the current translation's parallel structure "above the ground / from the sky," but it lacks the contrast of the original that's also seen in all similar lines (king/soldier, tomorrow/yesterday and even look/listen). It'll have to be reworked giving priority to the contrast that rules the song, but first...

7) Section 8, line 2: What's with the original line in this one? The original translator saw the same problem as I did. The guy has a floating fortress, so why do the original lyrics say he doesn't do any mioroshi-ing (overlook)? If that's as far as I saw for possible meanings, I might have inverted the English meaning too, just for consistency with what the character actually does.

What if it's the other meaning of mioroshi, "to look down upon / despise?" It'd make a lot more sense. Thus, following this conclusion and to preserve a contrast with the previous line, I propose

I let not the ground shackle me
Nor do I cast a contemptuous gaze from the skies

This also continues the negative form used throughout the song (all the things he isn't and doesn't do; he doesn't care, he just collects). This is a toughie to think up ideas that meet all the requirements for.


That's about it from me. Let me know if I made a major oversight!

[EJTranslations]

I definitely agree that this needs work, and a lot of your suggestions are good. However, you do need to be a Level 2 contributor (by taking the translation test here: https://www.animelyrics.com/index.php?action=jptest) to submit replacement translations rather than making a few small corrections, and the corrections you've suggested are a substantial enough percentage of the song that I can't really say it's not a replacement.

Also, do you have the kanji for this?