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Thread: 海女ゾネス 修行のシーン amazoness

  1. #1
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    Default 海女ゾネス 修行のシーン amazoness


    I'd like my translation to be reviewed and I need some help with a few trouble spots.

    First the raw lyrics:
     
    Wake up 修行が始まる 覚悟決めてよ
    Wake up 覚めるのよ ここからマジで地獄

    Stretching 体が硬いわ なんて硬いの
    (ああ〜ん…いた〜い…)
    Stretching もっと曲げなよ アゴがつくまで
    (ああ〜ん…いた〜い…)

    脂肪を燃やすの 有酸素運動
    疲れたなんて言わせない 疲れる前にrunners High

    武器じゃなーい 武器じゃなーい
    Sexyは男を誘う武器じゃない
    武器じゃなーい 武器じゃなーい
    メリハリbody 下心くすぐる
    武器じゃなーい!

    make up メイクは基本よ 覚悟決めてよ
    make up 鏡に映る あなたは誰なの
    (Who is she!?(初々しい~?))

    角質汚れは お肌の健康 妨げる Wow
    乳液 クリーム 化粧水 起きたら艶めく素肌

    ハンパなーい ハンパなーい
    ビューティロード進むの ハンパねぇ
    ハンパなーい ハンパなーい
    エステに通う料金さえも
    ハンパなーい!

    「私たち…もうセクシーでしょうか…?」
    「全ッ然ダメダメよ お色気はそんなヤワじゃない」
    「無理よ…!ココが限界よ…!」
    「アタイら海女ゾネス とことんヤるまでさ
     見せつけろ!恥じらうんじゃねェェエ!!」
    「oh…ハンパなーい…!」

    子種だけもらうわ 男はぬくぬく (温室育ち)
    野生の本能目覚め 私のアマゾン疼く
    (はんぱなぁい……♥)

    武器じゃなーい 武器じゃなーい
    Sexyは男を誘う武器じゃない
    ハンパなーい ハンパなーい
    ビューティロード進むの ハンパねぇ
    許さなーい 許さなーい
    マジでテメェらみんな許さねぇ!

    海女ゾネス 海女ゾネス
    MELTY 熱く融け出す HOT BODY
    「さあ行くよ 皆並んで!!」
    女の女による女だけの女だらけの
    海女ゾネス 海女ゾネス!


    -----------------
    My translation:

    WAKE UP, training will start. Prepare your resolve.
    WAKE UP, rise and shine. From here on it's gonna be hell.
    STRETCH, your body is stiff- oh so stiff. (aah, it hurts)
    STRETCH, more flexible, until your chin touches! (aah it hurts)
    Fat-burning aerobic exercise
    We won't allow you to say you're tired. Before you tire, RUNNER'S HIGH.

    Not a weapon! Not a weapon!
    Sexiness is not a weapon to seduce men!
    Not a weapon! Not a weapon!
    A voluptuous body isn't a weapon tickling at secret motives!

    MAKE UP, Makeup is fundamental. Prepare your resolve.
    MAKE UP, who is the you reflected in the mirror? (Who is she? Unsophisticated!)
    The dirt of dead skin cells hinders your skin's health (woah)
    Moisturizer, beauty cream, facial lotion when you wake up for an alluring complexion

    The whole shebang! The whole shebang!
    The total package of advancing on beauty road
    The whole shebang! The whole shebang!
    The only toll for commuting to Aesthetic
    The whole shebang!

    "Aren't we sexy yet?"
    "Completely worthless! Sex appeal isn't that weak!"
    "It's impossible! This is the limit!"
    ((I'm having trouble with the grammar on this line. アタイら海女ゾネス とことんヤるまでさ
     見せつけろ!恥じらうんじゃねェェエ! -> Something like, "We Amazons do until the bitter end. I'll show you! It's nothing to blush about!" ?
    ))
    "It's the whole shebang!"

    Only take his seed, men are at rest on their laurels (a sheltered upbringing)
    Wild instinct awakens, my Amazon ache
    (it's the whole shebang ♥)

    Not a weapon! Not a weapon!
    Sexiness is not a weapon to seduce men!
    The whole shebang! The whole shebang!
    The total package of advancing on beauty road
    We won't forgive! We won't forgive!
    We aint gonna forgive any of you curs!

    Amazoness! Amazoness!
    ((MELTY 熱く融け出す HOT BODY --> "MELTY the HOT BODY that melts it out with heat!" ? Or something? ))
    (Let's go girls! Everyone line up!)
    ((女の女による女だけの女だらけの海女ゾネス 海女ゾネス!--> "Amazons of women, according to women, only women, women everywhere" ? ))
    Amazoness!
    -----------------

    Thanks in advance for any input, especially on those spots i'm having trouble.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: 海女ゾネス 修行のシーン amazoness

    Hey there, sorry for the late response.

    A general thing: I think the instances of 半端ない throughout the song could be reworded. I'd say the speaker's idea here is that they're working at a high level - that is, they're on a difficult path that takes determination, and the results are intense. I'm actually not sure if this is what you had in mind with "The whole shebang" (if this was the intent and you've given it a lot of thought, don't worry about this), but at first glance, "the whole shebang" seems more like a description of how many different things they're doing, rather than the intensity. I think something like "It's the real deal" or maybe "It's no joke" would be good here.

    I also think they could be more integrated into the sentences, rather than the mostly standalone lines you have now. Not sure how to explain this clearly, so to put in in context...
    ビューティロード進むの ハンパねぇ → Advancing down the beauty road is no easy task
    エステに通う料金さえもハンパなーい! → Even the price of getting beauty care is no small amount (also suggest looking up the usage of エステ here, it can refer to visits to clinics and stuff)

    As for the lines you pointed out...

    First red line (アタイら海女ゾネス...) - Personally, I think 見せつけろ is a command from the speaker to her trainees to show themselves. I'm sure this could be worded in quite a few ways - something like "Show them what you're made of!" could be fun, maybe.

    Second red line (MELTY...) - Yeah, this one is kind of lol, hard to get anything that really sounds good without doing weird stuff. If I were doing this, I'd probably go with something like "MELTY, HOT BODIES melting with heat" just to make it come across a little less awkward, but who knows. :V

    Third red line (女の女による...) - Seems about fine to me.
    Last edited by bambooXZX; 03-25-2018 at 09:22 PM.

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    Default Re: 海女ゾネス 修行のシーン amazoness

    Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to review my translation. I think you're right about "the whole shebang" not quite fitting- I was trying to push the language to an amusing extreme to match the spirit of the song and video, but getting the meaning right is more important. I even tried "It's rad as hell!"... if only. lol
    Your point about the sentence fragments working better as complete ideas is also a good point that I missed due to my own weak skills with grammar. I'll give this another pass before I add it as a comment to the youtube video and send it to my friends who were demanding a translation of this great song.
    Thanks for your assistance!

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