Aikawa Nanase - Hikari to Kage no Labyrinth

[iconoclastiac]

Hi all, I usually lurk, but the translation to this song has so many inaccuracies that I could not resist speaking out. Starting from the top:


Line 1: Yuube mita yume ga nazeka atama kara hanarenai yo
昨晩見た夢がなぜか頭から離れないよ

Current translation: Last night I had a satisfying dream, but now my head is empty
My correction: Somehow last night’s dream refuses to leave my mind

Comment: Nowhere is there "satisfying" in the original line, and what happened to "yuube" (last night) and "hanarenai" (cannot let go of) in the current translation?

Line 2: Kuzure ochiru tou no naka
kanji: 崩れ落ちる塔の中

Current translation: I fell and shattered inside
My correction: Emerging from a crumbled tower

Line 4: Dareka koko kara tsure dashite
ダレカ　ココカラ　ツレダシテ

Current translation: Someone in this place should come to keep me company
My correction: SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE

Comment: "Tsuredasu" is the opposite of "come to keep me company." I put everything in caps because of the all-katakana sentence; it's a stylistic thing.


The entire translation continues like this, line by line, as with the second verse:

Hikari to kage no rabirinsu deguchi mitsu kara nai mama 光と影の迷路　出口見つからないまま
Itsuka kagayaku sono toki wo yume miteta いつか輝く その瞬間を夢見てた
Daijobu dayo kitto jibun ni ii kikasete 大丈夫だよきっと　自分に言い聞かせて
Ashita ni mukatte yukkuri to 明日に向かってゆっくりと
Aruki dashite miru yo mou ichido 歩き出してみるよ　もう一度

Current translation: I'm in a labyrinth of shadows and lights, the secret exit is empty enough as it is
Until that time my shining dreams will stay concealed
And I assure myself that it will be okay and good
Tomorrow I will slowly face my fears
Only to see that I have already destroyed them

My correction: In the labyrinth of light and shadow, I cannot find the way out
I dreamed of some brilliant time
“Surely it will be all right” so I told myself
Facing tomorrow in no hurry
I will stroll out once again


My Japanese isn't the best, but I think this translation needs a re-write.

The current romaji and translation are here: https://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/aikawananase/htknl.htm

My full translation version is here:
http://melodycafe.iconoclastiac.net/?p=312
Note: requires clicking on the "English translation" tab, or see the RTF text file below:
http://melodycafe.iconoclastiac.net/...%20(r,t,k).rtf

Is it okay to submit an alternate translation from the submission page in this case?

Thanks,
ico.

[EJTranslations]

Thanks; I agree this needs replacing. Can you give me a version of your translation with straight quotes and apostrophes instead of smart quotes (the curly ones)? I'd really appreciate it.

As for your question, replacement translations should always be submitted on this forum and not from the submission page.

[iconoclastiac]

Somehow last night’s dream refuses to leave my mind:
Emerging from a crumbled tower
No matter how many times I cried out for help, only empty echoes returned.
SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE

In the labyrinth of light and shadow, I cannot find the way out
I dreamed of some brilliant time [1]
"Surely it will be all right" so I told myself
Facing tomorrow in no hurry
I will stroll out once again

Although everything I held in my hands soon slipped between my fingers
And fell away,
This small, red flame within my heart
Wavers, but will never go out

In the labyrinth of light and shadow, I embraced
The feeling of obliteration while I lived on, always
"Surely it will be all right" so I muttered alone
Always believing
In that vision of tomorrow [2] once again

In the labyrinth of light and shadow, I cannot find the way out
I dreamed of some brilliant time
"Surely it will be all right" so I told myself
Facing tomorrow in no hurry
I will stroll out once again

In the labyrinth of light and shadow, surely it will be all right
Once again I walk toward tomorrow

==========
Footnotes:

[1] kanji: shunkan. Reading provided: "toki"
[2] kanji: mirai. Reading provided: "ashita"

[EJTranslations]

Thanks! The former translation has been replaced.