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Thread: awake to survive - please review translation?

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    Default awake to survive - please review translation?

    Got a request to translate awake to survive by AnnMelts-P.

    I think I figured out most of it but I'm unsure of bits here and there, especially verse 11 Ekishōgoshi de mite'ru rejendo ga ... I've rendered first person imperatives as "I must ..." since we don't really have them in English.

    Any corrections/improvements anyone? Onegai shimasu!

  2. Thanks Fuukanou thanked for this post
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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    Quote Originally Posted by Raichu View Post
    Got a request to translate awake to survive by AnnMelts-P.

    I think I figured out most of it but I'm unsure of bits here and there, especially verse 11 Ekishōgoshi de mite'ru rejendo ga ... I've rendered first person imperatives as "I must ..." since we don't really have them in English.

    Any corrections/improvements anyone? Onegai shimasu!
    While I don't specifically have any improvements to make (sorry), I'd like to thank you for the idea to make first person imperatives as "I must" because I was struggling with trying to make them make sense in a translation in English ahahaha.

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    Actually, we can say it like "Let me [do ...]" or "May I [do] ..." but they're ambiguous.

    I'm still trying to understand verse 11
    液晶越しで見てるレジェンドが 同じヒトに思えないけれど
    Ekishōgoshi de mite'ru rejendo ga onaji hito ni omoenai keredo
    昨日よりも 少しマシな日に するのはできるだろう誰でも
    kinō yori mo sukoshi mashi na hi ni suru no wa dekiru darō dare demo
    I presume dare de mo means anyone as opposed to the legend, but can anyone work out what suru refers to?

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    Isn't it just にする as in to make [something] [something else]? i.e. "... make [today] a slightly better day than yesterday"?

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    Talk about the bleeding obvious ... that's why I like this place. Thanks so much.

    (I have a terrible knack of parsing things the way they don't make sense rather than the way they do ...)

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    Verse 5:
    毎日のニュースに 顔しかめ
    「こんな人にはなりたくない」と
    写し鏡 満足している
    それで変わるもんか世界が
    I frown at the news every day,
    saying, "I don't want to be someone like this."
    I'm satisfied with what's reflected in the mirror.
    Can the world ever change?
    I think the それで in line four should be emphasized, in that the previous three lines describe the state of things - "the world's not going to change in response if that's all we have".
    Also, I feel like the と in line two could use similar emphasis, where seeing people in the news is the cause of self-satisfaction - "at least I'm not this bad."



    Verse 10:
    液晶越しで見てるレジェンドが 
    同じヒトに思えないけれど
    昨日よりも 少しマシな日に
    するのはできるだろう誰でも
    A legend, when seen through an LCD,
    doesn't look like the same person,
    but anyone would be able to do it
    on a day that's a bit better than yesterday.
    I think the first two lines mean something like, legends don't seem human like you and me / they appear to be an existence on another level - can't find any citations at the moment, but I'm fairly sure I've seen this use of 同じ人 elsewhere. Taken together with the マシな日にする idea (making today a better day than yesterday, as bluepenguin already suggested), this builds on the theme of how it's important to try hard at life, even if your role in the world seems mundane.



    ---



    I have a few more nitpicks and uncertainties, but it's kind of minor so no need to worry about it if I'm not making sense.

    Verse 3:
    好きな音楽アラームさえも
    嫌いになりそうな衝動
    Even though I like the alarm music
    I get the impulse to dislike it.
    Instinctively, I feel these two lines should stay more connected. I think 衝動 might refer to the impulse to stay in bed which indirectly leads to disliking the music, rather than the music-disliking feeling itself.



    Verse 4:
    流し込むエネルギー
    まだアタマ 満たせないけど
    昨日の僕 残した宿題の
    答えを探さないと
    I still can't fill up my head,
    but I'm pouring in energy.
    I have to find the answers
    to my problems left over from the day before.
    Due to the placement of けど, this reads to me more like "The energy I'm pouring in hasn't filled my head yet / isn't enough to fill my head yet". Small change, I guess - from "I'm not really ready, but I'm trying as fast as I can because I have to do this" to "I've been starting and I'm not really ready, but I just have to do this".



    Verse 8:
    スキマなく埋められた 
    寄せては返す人波を
    かき分けては 自分に意味を問う
    When I'm buried with no opening to be seen,
    I push my way through the surging crowd
    and ask myself what it means,
    I think 'スキマなく埋められた' and '寄せては返す' both describe '人波' here - the crowd itself is completely packed in, and the crowd surges constantly on. Kind of a small disctinction, since かき分けて already implies the speaker is in the crowd, but I guess the subtlety is that the act of pushing is on the same level as the packed state of the crowd, as something that causes the speaker to question herself.



    Verse 9:
    流し込むポジティブソング 
    現実と理想の距離を
    近づけたい 「どこでもドア」はない
    I pour in positive songs.
    There's no "Anywhere Door" that closes
    the distance between ideals and reality.
    Hm, can't really put my finger on it right now, but something seems strange about the presence of the first line.

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    thanks so much for the response. yes you've hit on some of the issues i had but i didn't want to say anything yet not to influence people's interpretation.
    (v. 5) 毎日のニュースに 顔しかめ
    「こんな人にはなりたくない」と
    写し鏡 満足している
    それで変わるもんか世界が
    I was uncertain about the connection that それで indicates. She's unlike the world and satisfied with herself, but how does that mean that the world isn't going to change? Is she suggesting that the "I'm not like them, I'm fine as I am" attitude means that, since everyone to thinks like that, no-one is going to change themselves, and so the world stays a mess? Or do you take it differently?
    (v. 10) 液晶越しで見てるレジェンドが 
    同じヒトに思えないけれど
    昨日よりも 少しマシな日に
    するのはできるだろう誰でも
    Here's some info on 同じ人 and 同じ人とは思えない. The latter seems to mean not recognizable as the same person. My interpretation is along the lines of what you said, a person in real life looks like an ordinary human being while on the screen they look super-human, but that implication isn't explicit. Maybe I can put it, "doesn't look like the same ordinary person", without straying too far from the lyrics.
    (v. 4) 流し込むエネルギー
    まだアタマ 満たせないけど
    昨日の僕 残した宿題の
    答えを探さないと
    I was uncertain as to whether けど is contrasting the first and second lines or the first two with next two. I.e.
    1. "My head's not full yet but I'm pouring in energy (to fill it) [because] I still have left-over stuff to work on."
    2. "I'm pouring in energy, and my head's not full yet, but I still have left-over stuff to get on with."
    Although (2) follows the wording more literally, (1) made more sense to me at the time. Actually, TBH I don't really know what pouring energy into one's head is intended to mean. Any ideas?

    Another question with that is that "mitaseru" is actually potential, not passive. I've come across other situations where they shorten the passive but it's rare. This literally means "I can't fill my head yet". Anyone have any comment on that?
    (v. 8) スキマなく埋められた 
    寄せては返す人波を
    かき分けては 自分に意味を問う
    Yes I agree with your comment, but I couldn't (at the time) figure out a concise way of phrasing it to make it more literally correct. I think the point is that along with everyone else in the crowd she's buried too, so I think the translation is not too unreasonable. I'll work on it a little more but I don't think it's a major issue.
    (v. 9) 流し込むポジティブソング 
    現実と理想の距離を
    近づけたい 「どこでもドア」はない
    I was puzzled about the connection between the first line and the rest of the verse too. Perhaps it's saying that since there are no quick fixes to life's problems, positive songs that give you hope for the future are the way to help you cope?

    ---------- Post added at 12:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:10 PM ----------

    PS I just looked up みたせる in Weblio and it treated it as the causative of 満つ which means the same as michiru. So it could mean "I haven't made my head full yet".

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    Verse 5 (それで): Yeah, my thought was basically how you put it, that comparing oneself to things seen on the news lulls people into complacency, not realizing they still need to get better, so the world isn't going to improve if everyone just leaves it at that.



    Verse 10 (同じヒト): Hm, I guess 'ordinary person' could be a way to allow for that ambiguity, but I feel like having 'ordinary' at all would already constitute introducing that idea. Personally I'd probably still be able to sleep well at night if I took the risk. :V
    For what it's worth, a quick search has turned up at least one song that uses the term meaning 'also human' (also in katakana at that, which could be significant). I didn't know at the time of my post that 同じ人とは思えない was common enough to have its own thesaurus entry, but I'm inclined to believe it's a case of multiple uses.



    Verse 4 (満たせない): Option 2 was how I read it. I took 流し込むエネルギー as just sort of a figurative way to express the feeling of trying to wake up - kind of like 気合を入れる. I did read 満たせる as potential of 満たす, as in the insertion of energy isn't enough to fill up the head fully, which I guess is the same meaning as the causative of 満つ - makes sense, since they probably have the same origin.



    Verse 8 (スキマなく): yeah, this one was a bit nitpicky from me. The main basis for my mentioning it was more grammatical than anything. For a quick fix, maybe something along the lines of this? 「When I'm buried with no opening to be seen / and push my way through the surging crowd, / I ask myself what it means,」 ...Actually, I guess that's kind of different from what I mentioned in my post above, but well, that's something I noticed.



    Verse 9 (流し込むポジティブソング): yeah, main thing I was uncertain about was, is this meant to say that positive songs are good assistance we should use, or that we should consider them as nothing more than assistance, or that they are just to be condemned as one of those so-called quick fixes?
    Last edited by bambooXZX; 02-16-2017 at 12:10 PM.

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    Default Re: awake to survive - please review translation?

    i like your wording for v 8.

    thanks for all your help!

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