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Thread: 9mm Parabellum Bullet - Dark Horse

  1. #1
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    Default 9mm Parabellum Bullet - Dark Horse

    Oh wow, I haven't posted here in a while... Hey everyone! This is actually a fairly old translation of mine which I've recently revised, but there were still some lines that were a bit difficult to translate, whose phrasing came out sort of awkward-ish. If anybody has any ideas, do let me know. And feedback on other parts of the translation is more than welcome as well. Thanks in advance!

    Romaji:

    Koushite itsumademo iki wo hisome
    Deban wo matsu tsumori wa nai
    Dare no tame demo naku nagareteiku
    Chi mo namida mo muda ni wa shinai ze

    Massugu ni masshigura ni tsukisusunde
    Ippozutsu isshunzutsu kizamitsukete
    DORAMA no nai hibi nado naindaro
    Shitataka ni tashika ni ikinokoru ze

    Kuroku fukai yami no naka de matataita hoshi ni
    Me wo korase te wo nobase Yeah

    Massugu ni masshigura ni tsukisusunde
    Ippozutsu isshunzutsu kizamitsukete
    Makerarenai riyuu ga arundaro
    Ari no mama sono mama yuke yo

    Massugu ni masshigura ni tsukisusunde
    Ippozutsu isshunzutsu kizamitsukete
    Sugisaranai arashi wo okose yo
    Shitataka ni tashika ni ikinokore

    English:

    I don't plan on erasing the sound of my breathing,
    Waiting for when it's time for me to step in like this forever.
    I won't let my blood; my tears,
    Not even flowing for anyone's sake, be in vain.

    Directly, headlong: charge forward,
    Step by step, moment by moment: leave your mark.
    All daily lives have at least some dramatic events going on among them, don't they?
    Tenaciously, with certainty: I'll survive.

    Amidst blackened, thick darkness... A twinkling star -
    Focus your eyes on it, reach your hand out to it!
    Yeah!!

    Directly, headlong: charge forward,
    Step by step, moment by moment: leave your mark.
    You have a reason for which you cannot afford to lose, don't you?
    Simply as you are, just like that: go!

    Directly, headlong: charge forward,
    Step by step, moment by moment: leave your mark.
    Give rise to a storm that's here to stay,
    Tenaciously, with certainty: survive!

    Kanji:

    こうしていつまでも息をひそめ
    出番を待つつもりはない
    誰のためでもなく流れていく
    血も涙もムダにはしないぜ

    まっすぐにまっしぐらに突き進んで
    一歩ずつ一瞬ずつ刻みつけて
    ドラマのない日々などないんだろ
    したたかに確かに生き残るぜ

    黒く深い闇の中で瞬いた星に
    目をこらせ 手を伸ばせ Yeah

    まっすぐにまっしぐらに突き進んで
    一歩ずつ一瞬ずつ刻みつけて
    負けられない理由があるんだろ
    ありのままそのまま行けよ

    まっすぐにまっしぐらに突き進んで
    一歩ずつ一瞬ずつ刻みつけて
    過ぎ去らない嵐を起こせよ
    したたかに確かに生き残れ
    Last edited by Haze~; 04-29-2016 at 12:00 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: 9mm Parabellum Bullet - Dark Horse

    >I won't let my blood; my tears,
    >Not even flowing for anyone's sake, be in vain

    I'm afraid I can't think of a better way to word the bit you asked about, but--and I know this is the nitpickiest thing--you don't need a semicolon. It should just be a comma.

    >All daily lives have at least some dramatic events going on among them, don't they?

    If you want to be less wordy, you could really just be more literal. "There's no daily life that's without drama, right?" Or if you'd rather stick to something more similar to the construction you're using now, only shorter, "all daily lives have some drama in them" or something like that.

    >Amidst blackened, thick darkness... A twinkling star -

    "Thick darkness" doesn't sound very natural to me, and "blackened" connotes (IMO) something that has been made black by somebody (or something, like a fire), artificially, which isn't a connotation I see in the original. I would just say "deep, black darkness." (Or "black, deep," if you'd rather keep the original word order, but for some reason it sounds better to me the other way.)

  3. #3
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    Default Re: 9mm Parabellum Bullet - Dark Horse

    Quote Originally Posted by bluepenguin View Post
    >All daily lives have at least some dramatic events going on among them, don't they?

    If you want to be less wordy, you could really just be more literal. "There's no daily life that's without drama, right?" Or if you'd rather stick to something more similar to the construction you're using now, only shorter, "all daily lives have some drama in them" or something like that.
    For some reason just "drama" seemed a bit off to me at first, like the meaning was slightly different than the literal translation has it, but being wordy bothers me a little more than that, so... Yeah, I think I'll go with that. And looking back, I really should have gone with something more simple than "going on among them". o.o Thanks!

    Thanks for the other comments as well!

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