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Thread: Cocco - Unabara no Ningyo

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    Default Cocco - Unabara no Ningyo

    I've been meaning to get back into the habit of posting here, at least when I'm working on something more difficult. And there are definitely parts of this translation I'm not sure about, so here I am. I've marked the parts I particularly have questions about, but feel free to give suggestions or corrections on other parts if you spot anything that needs it.

    わたしを初めて 抱いた人は
    わたしのためなら 死ねると言った
    わたしは笑って 少しだけ泣いて
    木影に座って 髪をほどいた

    watashi o hajimete daita hito wa
    watashi no tame nara shineru to itta
    watashi wa waratte sukoshi dake naite
    kokage ni suwatte kami o hodoita

    The first person who held me
    Said that they would die for me
    Laughing, crying only a little,
    I sat in the shadow of the trees and let down my hair

    碧い寝息は 明日を夢見て
    花が咲くのも 待てずに舵を取った

    aoi neiki wa ashita o yumemite
    hana ga saku no mo matezu ni kaji o totta

    The young sleeper dreamed of tomorrow[1]
    And, without even waiting for the flowers to bloom, took the helm

    空がどれほど高いのか
    海の彼方で
    月は鯨と泳ぐのか
    どこまで独りで 飛べるのか

    sora ga dore hodo takai no ka
    umi no kanata de
    tsuki wa kujira to oyogu no ka
    doko made hitori de toberu no ka

    How high is the sky
    There, across the sea?
    Does the moon swim with the whales?
    How far can I fly on my own?

    若い力は あふれ出した

    wakai chikara wa afuredashita

    My young strength overflowed

    あなたが初めて 抱いた人は
    あなたの背中に 甘えて泣いた?
    わたしの背中に羽根などなくて
    星は遠くで 瞬くばかり

    anata ga hajimete daita hito wa
    anata no senaka ni amaete naita?
    watashi no senaka ni hane nado nakute
    hoshi wa tooku de matataku bakari

    Did the first person who held you
    Cling to your back and cry?[2]
    There are no wings on my back
    The stars only twinkle distantly

    夜明けの鐘が 愛しくそっと
    全てを消せるわけでもないから

    yoake no kane ga itoshiku sotto
    subete o keseru wake de mo nai kara

    Because it's not as if the morning bells
    Can dearly, softly erase everything

    空がどれほど高いのか
    海の彼方で
    月は鯨と泳ぐのか
    想い出す嘘もあるけれど

    sora ga dore hodo takai no ka
    umi no kanata de
    tsuki wa kujira to oyogu no ka
    omoidasu uso mo aru keredo

    How high is the sky
    There, across the sea?
    Does the moon swim with the whales?
    Though there are also remembered lies

    新しい朝を 全部あげる

    atarashii asa o zenbu ageru

    I'll give you a whole new morning

    わたしなんか
    死ねばいいと 想ってた
    でもどこかで
    わたしだけが
    生きのびることだけ
    信じてきた

    watashi nanka
    shineba ii to omotte'ta
    demo dokoka de
    watashi dake ga
    ikinobiru koto dake
    shinjite kita

    I had thought that
    I wouldn't mind dying
    But somewhere
    Only I came
    To believe
    In only surviving

    空がどれほど高いのか
    海の彼方で
    誰が泣いていたのかさえ
    ここまで私は 流されて

    sora ga dore hodo takai no ka
    umi no kanata de
    dare ga naite ita no ka sae
    koko made watashi wa nagasarete

    How high is the sky
    There, across the sea?
    Without even knowing who had been crying, [3]
    I was washed here

    濡れた人魚は 愛を見た

    nureta ningyo wa ai o mita

    The soaked mermaid saw love

    トゥルラッタ トゥルトゥル ラッタ
    消えないにおいと
    新しいにおいと
    愛したにおいと
    愛すべき あなたと

    TURURATTA TURUTURU RATTA
    kienai nioi to
    atarashii nioi to
    aishita nioi to
    aisubeki anata to

    Tu-lu-latta, tulu-tulu latta
    With a scent that won't disappear
    With a new scent
    With a scent I loved
    With you, who are so lovable

    [1] I know "寝息" means "the breath of someone who is asleep," but we don't have a good word or even expression for that in English, and here it's clearly a poetic turn of phrase actually referring to the sleeping person themselves, so I figured I'd just translate it as "sleeper." What do you guys think? Is that okay, or have I missed a better way of phrasing it that keeps more of the original nuance?

    [2] Ugh, "甘えて" is such a pain to translate--I can't quite come up with a way to translate it that has a negative enough connotation while also keeping in "背中", which I'd like to keep for the parallel/connection with the next line. So... suggestions?

    [3] I'm a little confused about the function of "さえ" here; the grammar doesn't seem to work the way I'd expect it to. I've translated it sort of as though there's an invisible "分からない" after it, but I don't think that's actually... correct. Has anyone encountered this kind of construction before?
    Last edited by bluepenguin; 01-20-2016 at 02:54 PM.

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    Default Re: Cocco - Unabara no Ningyo

    Perhaps the 'she' in the first stanza should be a 'he'? The singer (and narrator, if 'let down my hair' is any indication) is female, after all.

    My opinion:

    1. I think that this is fine. 碧い寝息 literally translated into English would sound pretty uncomfortable.
    I considered something along the lines of 'Emanating pale breaths, dreaming of tomorrow/...' but that sounds a lot more awkward.

    2. Perhaps substituting 'lean on' with 'cling to' would convey the childishness of 甘えて in a less obvious fashion?

    3. This part confuses me too. Do you think adding a 'Just' at the start of the line would convey something similar?

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    Default Re: Cocco - Unabara no Ningyo

    Looks good! I just have a few small notes.

    >[3] I'm a little confused about the function of "さえ" here; the grammar doesn't seem to work the way I'd expect it to. I've translated it sort of as though there's an invisible "分からない" after it, but I don't think that's actually... correct. Has anyone encountered this kind of construction before?

    The way I see it, it's something like:
    誰が泣いていたのかさえ[分からないまま]
    ここまで私は 流されて

    Which would be:
    "Not even knowing who it was that had been crying,
    I was washed all the way here."

    So I don't think you're wrong about the invisible 分からない, but I'm not sure about presenting it in the form of a question.
    Last edited by Haze~; 01-20-2016 at 07:16 PM.

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    Default Re: Cocco - Unabara no Ningyo

    Quote Originally Posted by A Sunfish View Post
    Perhaps the 'she' in the first stanza should be a 'he'? The singer (and narrator, if 'let down my hair' is any indication) is female, after all.
    Given all the stuff about childhood/setting off into the world for the first time here, I was thinking a parent and not a lover, but I guess it is pretty ambiguous in what sense that's meant. I was hoping to avoid using singular "they" (which is a perfectly fine pronoun, I just don't like using it in translations when someone's referring to a specific individual whose gender they would presumably know), but that's probably the best way to go after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by A Sunfish View Post
    Perhaps substituting 'lean on' with 'cling to' would convey the childishness of 甘えて in a less obvious fashion?
    Thanks, I like that.

    ---------- Post added at 03:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:44 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by Haze~ View Post
    Looks good! I just have a few small notes.

    >The way I see it, it's something like:
    誰が泣いていたのかさえ[分からないまま]
    ここまで私は 流されて

    Which would be:
    "Not even knowing who it was that had been crying,
    I was washed all the way here."

    So I don't think you're wrong about the invisible 分からない, but I'm not sure about presenting it in the form of a question.
    Thanks! I guess (if my interpretation of the grammar was right after all) that it really isn't a question, I was just unnecessarily trying to make it match with the previous lines and the earlier versions of that stanza (or whatever you'd call it).
    Last edited by bluepenguin; 01-20-2016 at 02:55 PM.

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