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Thread: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

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    Default Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Uh, hi. This is my first post and I'm here to look for feedback on this translation before submitting it. Will probably return more in the future when I have more lyrics ready.

    Code:
    「金の波 千の波」
    "A Thousand Waves of Gold"
    
    金の波岸辺に
    憧れ目覚めるの朝に
    
    By the bank awash with waves of gold
    Yearning drawing the morning open
    
    誰かのことを 強く思う時
    掲げた手のひらに 愛が泊まる
    水の行方と 風が示す未来
    この星を包む希望 見つめて
    
    When you hold someone close to your heart
    Love finds a home in your palms of your outstretched hands
    The course of the waters, the future the wind beholds
    Gaze upon the hope that embraces this planet
    
    遠い雲光が誘うように 揺れる今
    金の波岸辺に 憧れ目覚めるの朝に
    始まる
    
    Distant rays of light through the clouds  Sway beckoningly, now
    By the bank awash with waves of gold
    Yearning drawing the morning open
    
    明るい雨が 優しい歌になる
    ゆっくりと漕ぎ出す 恐れないで
    どんな時でも 空がそこにあるの
    見上げるだけの力を与えて
    
    The radiant rain becomes a gentle song
    Row slowly now - don't be afraid
    No matter the season, the sky will always be there
    Giving you the strength to look upwards
    
    手に届きそうに 駆け上がるのこの思い
    千の波遥かなに 夢より遠くまで行こう
    
    Thoughts rushing to the surface  Just out of hand's reach
    Long past a thousand waves  Let's set off for a place far beyond our dreams
    大体できたと思うのですが、「憧れ目覚めるの朝に」の英訳はなかなか自然にできません。
    ご提案、コメント、よろしくお願いします。
    (If I'm only supposed to use English here, please send me a heads up. Thanks.)
    (I've sent a notice to the webmaster about the typo in my name. :P)
    Last edited by Anaesthesia; 10-30-2015 at 10:28 PM.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Just comments/questions off the top of my head. Would need somebody with better proficiency to judge.

    ---
    憧れ目覚めるの朝に

    I cannot quite get the listed version.
    my own attempt:

    "Awakening to a morning filled with aspirations" ?

    ---
    掲げた手のひらに 愛が泊まる

    I would translate "掲げた" as "raised" which is a little different from "outstretched". (it gives a more... soft/delicate image and established the up direction).
    I like the "find a home" part

    my version: "Upon my upraised palm, love finds a home" ?

    ---
    遠い雲光が誘うように 揺れる今
    金の波岸辺に 憧れ目覚めるの朝に
    始まる

    揺れる今 -> does the swaying apply to the 'light through clouds' or to the 'present' (now)? My own interpretation is that it should be the latter i.e. something like "trembling present" or "this trembling instance"

    始まる is missing the translated text?



    ---
    どんな時でも 空がそこにあるの
    見上げるだけの力を与えて

    The 'no matter the season' is a little off imo (no season was mentioned or suggested by the original lyrics and 'seasons' itself gives the feel of 'passage of time' more than 'always' or 'no matter when' which I feel is the intended context here). my own version:

    'The sky is always there for you, to give you at least the strength to raise your eyes'

    ---

    Just casual comments. Feel free to use/change/correct whatever you think is useful/inappropriate/wrong.

    Love the choice of song btw. Having a personal "ARIA boom" as I recently rewatched the series This series has a lot of nice music.
    Last edited by 鏡花水月; 10-31-2015 at 12:26 AM.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    金の波岸辺に
    憧れ目覚めるの朝に
    is most likely 金の波岸辺に憧れ、目覚めるの、朝に。, i.e. "I'm going to wake up in the morning, with yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold."

    水の行方と 風が示す未来
    水の行方 and 風 are both subjects of 示す. And I'm not sure why you translated 示す as "behold"?

    This is to 鏡花水月:
    遠い雲光が誘うように揺れる今
    If 遠い雲光が誘うように揺れる were to act as an attributive phrase for 今, then it should be 遠い雲光に誘われるように揺れる今. This is an inverted sentence whose normal order would be: 今、遠い雲光が誘うように揺れる, I think.

    Putting "now" at the end of the sentence like that in the translation seems rather awkward to me, though.

    この思い: "thought" isn't wrong, but I think "feeling" is more accurate in this context.

    千の波遥かなに: typo? It should be 千の波遥かに.

    "Long past a thousand waves Let's set off for a place far beyond our dreams": the way this sentence reads, "long past a thousand waves" seems as if it's modifying the whole thing that comes after, i.e. "let's set off from this place long past a thousand waves for a place far beyond our dreams." Also, "long past" is more appropriate for temporal distance; I believe "far past" works better here.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Hi thanks Hinamarari for the elaboration! It has been very educational.

    One more thing I have questions regarding: the part on 手に届きそうに in

    「手に届きそうに 駆け上がるのこの思い」

    Should it be "just out of reach" or "as if it could be touched" (as the subject is not 'real' or normally tangible)
    From the context of the song, I think the former is probably right (届く having the feel of reaching). Just wondering if the 2nd version is applicable as well (as a sort of alternative interpretation).

    Once again experience for first-hand how difficult it is to translate lyrics well, much more than the language itself.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Both translations work for me I think they both convey the same sense as the original, so either way you translate it, the reader would still get what the author meant to say.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Thanks for the feedback! I had another look at kasi-time and it looks like some of the spacing in the lyrics needed fixing as well. (Did this clear up the modification problem in the last stanza?) Also realised that I misheard 天 as 手, so I had to redo that part. And I missed out a pretty large repeat. Whoops.

    Re: Now
    I rechecked the lyrics, and it appears that there's supposed to be a space before 今, so it seems like it does mean a standalone 'now'...? I don't really want to put it in the next line because it'd alter the lyrics from the first two lines, and putting it before or after 'Sway beckoningly' would make the 'Sway' look like an imperative...
    I intended for it to feel similar to 'Come, now' or 'Don't be afraid, now', but these are all imperatives, so I'm a little lost here.

    Re: Behold
    My English databanks seem to have had an error of sorts written in there, thanks for pointing that out.

    Re: 始まる
    Not quite sure what to do with this. I was also considering 'The day begins', 'The day starts', etc. I just realised that this translation sounds as though it could be Alicia singing to Akari. :)

    I also realised that I left out the last two 始まる at the end of the song, and I'm not sure what to do with them, either. I left it as 'And begin anew' * 2, but admittedly the 'anew' is a really liberal addition, though it makes sense in the context of the show.

    Re: Season
    I originally meant this as the 'season' in 'season of love' or 'season of farewells' rather than one of the four seasons. Is there another substitute for 'time' that would sound better?

    Re: Long past
    I originally opted for this to avoid using 'far' twice in the same line/stanza, but I agree that it sounds awkward, so I changed it back.

    Code:
    「金の波 千の波」
    "A Thousand Waves of Gold"
    
    金の波 岸辺に
    あこがれ目覚めるの 朝に
    
    Yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold,
    I wake in the morning
    
    誰かのことを強く思う時
    かかげた手のひらに愛がとまる
    水の行方と風が示す未来
    この惑星を包む希望 見つめて
    
    When you hold someone close to your heart
    Love finds a home in your palms of your upraised hands
    The future shown to us by the wind and the course of the waters
    Gaze upon the hope that embraces this planet
    
    遠い雲 光が誘うように揺れる 今
    金の波 岸辺に
    あこがれ目覚めるの 朝に
    始まる
    
    Rays of light through the distant clouds  Sway beckoningly, now
    Yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold,
    I wake in the morning
    And we begin
    
    明るい雨が優しい歌になる
    ゆっくりと漕ぎ出す 怖れないで
    どんな時でも空がそこにあるの
    見上げるだけの力を与えて
    
    The radiant rain becomes a gentle song
    Row slowly now - don't be afraid
    No matter the season, the sky will always be there
    Giving you the strength to look upwards
    
    天に届きそうに駆け上がるの
    この思い
    千の波はるかに
    夢より遠くまで行こう
    
    Feelings rushing to the surface 
    As though they could reach the sky
    Far past a thousand waves 
    Let's set off for a place far beyond our dreams
    
    遠い雲 光が誘うように揺れる 今
    金の波 岸辺に
    あこがれ目覚めるの
    
    Rays of light through the distant clouds  Sway beckoningly, now
    Yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold,
    I wake
    
    天に届きそうに駆け上がるの
    この思い
    千の波はるかに
    夢より遠くまで行こう
    
    Feelings rushing to the surface 
    As though they could reach the sky
    Far past a thousand waves 
    Let's set off for a place far beyond our dreams
    
    始まる
    始まる
    
    And begin anew
    And begin anew
    Last edited by Anaesthesia; 10-31-2015 at 02:19 PM.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Re: Now
    The space before 今 is more for the small break in the singing of that line; it doesn't really mean that the 今 has to be completely standalone. It is sort of separated and emphasized, but that structure doesn't carry very well in English, so I thought it sounded awkward. Something like "Rays of light through the distant clouds are swaying beckoningly" (or "Through the distant clouds, rays of light are swaying beckoningly") would be close enough, I think.

    Re: 始まる
    There's not much we can do when it's so ambiguous I usually go with something along the line of "And thus it begins" (or "And so it begins") when translating lines like this, so that the reader can decide what "it" means for themselves.

    Re: Season
    In this case, 時 is best understood as "moment." As in, no matter when (even during those moments when you're afraid, or when you're disheartened, etc.), the sky is always there. "Season" is too big a time unit for this nuance.

    Re: 千の波はるかに 夢より遠くまで行こう
    I still think your current translation doesn't quite reflect that 千の波はるかに has equal status with 夢より遠く. They both refer to the destination that the speaker is heading for.
    If you don't want to repeat the word "far," maybe something like "a thousand waves away" would work.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Thank you so much! If no one else has anything to say about this version, I'll submit it.

    Code:
    「金の波 千の波」
    "A Thousand Waves of Gold"
    
    金の波 岸辺に
    あこがれ目覚めるの 朝に
    
    Yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold,
    I wake in the morning
    
    誰かのことを強く思う時
    かかげた手のひらに愛がとまる
    水の行方と風が示す未来
    この惑星を包む希望 見つめて
    
    When you hold someone close to your heart
    Love finds a home in your palms of your upraised hands
    The future shown to us by the wind and the course of the waters
    Gaze upon the hope that embraces this planet
    
    遠い雲 光が誘うように揺れる 今
    金の波 岸辺に
    あこがれ目覚めるの 朝に
    始まる
    
    Rays of light sway beckoningly through the distant clouds
    Yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold,
    I wake in the morning
    And so it begins
    
    明るい雨が優しい歌になる
    ゆっくりと漕ぎ出す 怖れないで
    どんな時でも空がそこにあるの
    見上げるだけの力を与えて
    
    The radiant rain becomes a gentle song
    Row slowly now - don't be afraid
    No matter the moment, the sky will always be there
    Giving you the strength to look upwards
    
    天に届きそうに駆け上がるの
    この思い
    千の波はるかに
    夢より遠くまで行こう
    
    Feelings rushing to the surface 
    As though they could reach the sky
    Let's depart for a place
    A thousand waves away, far beyond our dreams
    
    遠い雲 光が誘うように揺れる 今
    金の波 岸辺に
    あこがれ目覚めるの
    
    Rays of light sway beckoningly through the distant clouds
    Yearning for the bank awash with waves of gold,
    I wake
    
    天に届きそうに駆け上がるの
    この思い
    千の波はるかに
    夢より遠くまで行こう
    
    Feelings rushing to the surface 
    As though they could reach the sky
    Let's depart for a place
    A thousand waves away, far beyond our dreams
    
    始まる
    始まる
    
    And so it begins
    And so it begins

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    It might be too late, but don't forget to take the test before submitting.
    Otherwise your submission will end up in the wrong queue, and is unlikely to be approved, from what I've heard.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Thanks for the reminder

    The lyrics are up on the site, yay! I'm working on Yokogao next.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Wait a sec, @Anaesthesia , are you the one who submitted it just now (http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/ariaorig/kinnonami.htm) and you have two different accounts, or did the submitter rip you off?

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    I go by A Sunfish on animelyrics.com. I couldn't use the same username when I signed up here, so I opted for this. I guess I should have my animelyrics username changed?

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Quote Originally Posted by Anaesthesia View Post
    Thanks for the reminder

    The lyrics are up on the site, yay! I'm working on Yokogao next.
    iirc, 「横顔」 was used in the scene when one of the character Alicia retired as a "water guide/gondolier"?
    *sob* bye bye Alicia...



    GJ to efforts to 'fill in' all the Aria series songs. Love the series and has a surprisingly high percentage of nice music/songs. Probably going to watch it again a third time...

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Quote Originally Posted by Anaesthesia View Post
    I go by A Sunfish on animelyrics.com. I couldn't use the same username when I signed up here, so I opted for this. I guess I should have my animelyrics username changed?
    I think you're supposed to just use the same accounts here and on animelyrics.com. So just log into A Sunfish here with the same password, and it should just work.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    Quote Originally Posted by Serei View Post
    I think you're supposed to just use the same accounts here and on animelyrics.com. So just log into A Sunfish here with the same password, and it should just work.
    Well, that was dumb of me. ._.
    Thanks.

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    Default Re: Aria the Origination - 金の波、千の波

    It's okay! Since logging into the site doesn't log you into the forum (and vice versa), I can see how people could be confused. I just wanted to make sure everything was above-board with that submission.

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