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Thread: your most traumatic experience

  1. #26
    Senior Member Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted's Avatar
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by horrendous View Post
    i wasn't brave, i was dead inside. i had resigned myself to death, and would have gone peacefully. every day was just waiting to see which way it would go.

    my family had a much tougher time with me having cancer than i did. they all told each other "don't talk about it around him", when in reality i would have loved to tell them how i was feeling about it. i think they felt more like victims than i did.

    yeah i still have a lot of strong emotions surrounding that topic, but at the time it was nothing to me.
    I understand the feelings very well. Not the cancer but I know what it feels like to be dead inside. The road that my life has taken lately has made me think about taking myself out every single day and night. I think the only reason I haven't is because I know my grandmother needs me. She's crippled up and has nothing left. I feel in my heart though that I wont make it to 30. To be honest with you though, I don't see much point in this world. I'm here for the very few people that need me and that's all. I'm very dead inside. Sometimes it gets to a point where you feel like you are shell shocked or something. You're just so dazed, hollow, and at a complete loss for words to what to say about life or the way things are. I see the others striving and moving on and living well and I just don't want to anymore. When my grandmother passes away, I will take my own life. That much I know is certain. I'm sick of this world. Life has beaten the living hell out of me this year and now there's nothing left inside. That's my cross and my crucifixion.

  2. #27
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly.Ted View Post
    I understand the feelings very well. Not the cancer but I know what it feels like to be dead inside. The road that my life has taken lately has made me think about taking myself out every single day and night. I think the only reason I haven't is because I know my grandmother needs me. She's crippled up and has nothing left. I feel in my heart though that I wont make it to 30. To be honest with you though, I don't see much point in this world. I'm here for the very few people that need me and that's all. I'm very dead inside. Sometimes it gets to a point where you feel like you are shell shocked or something. You're just so dazed, hollow, and at a complete loss for words to what to say about life or the way things are. I see the others striving and moving on and living well and I just don't want to anymore. When my grandmother passes away, I will take my own life. That much I know is certain. I'm sick of this world. Life has beaten the living hell out of me this year and now there's nothing left inside. That's my cross and my crucifixion.
    i'm so sorry you feel that way man. i know there's nothing i can say on this anime-themed website that will change your mind. you have a lot of supporters here that would be crushed to see you that take course of action. but if you feel it's right, there's really no way we can stop you, not from afar.

    i don't usually do this, in fact i never do it, but i'm going to pray for you Ted. pray that something happens in your life to change your mind. you probably think God is dead and so do i, but if there's one iota of merit to the idea of some guardian of humanity, i'm going to pray to them for you. probably won't do any good, but it will alleviate some of the helplessness i feel.

  3. #28
    teed's Puppy International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818's Avatar
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    I had gone through a lot of grozit as a kid that really should make me a messed up individual but how I came out like this I attribute to one experience.

    Back in 08' I had gotten accepted into university in Seattle. At the time, we were going through utter chaos with my family. My father was a drunk and my mom was a bi-polar schizophrenic and we had been living in a hole of a hotel room for three years because we were poor. My sister and I were trying to organize a way for my mom to finally get help but she was refusing every possible form of treatment or help and would scream and say the most awful things about us. She had already been in jail and the court was pushing her to a mental ward. I was two weeks away from flying up to Seattle a three week from her being institutionalized by the state. Im kinda jumping around but around this time my dad and I had also left the hotel but still helped my mom out. We formed an intervention with her and tried pleading with her to accept our help to get her to a rehabilitation center. She screamed and yelled for hours and got pretty violent. Watching her go crazy like that, I saw the woman that was my mom now a prisoner in her own mind. I could let go of the times she used to hit me, saw awful things about me, ruin my life, push me to suicide, destroy a family, etc.. but I looked at her and said "you are going to lose me if you go to the ward.." I know it might have bee immature to resort to that kinda tactic but she turned and looked at me coldly said "I have no son...". I cried and left. A week later I was in Seattle. My dad called me a week later and told me that she accepted treatment through the rehabilitation center. I wasn't sure if I was happy when I heard that. i just saw my mom die infront of me when her illness took complete control over her and just threw me away. I'm not close with my family in all honesty. My childhood was really me taking care of myself and learning how to be an adult to manage with the chaos but I have always had a broken part of me longing for family. Healthy family. Loving family.

    I hate to use the writer cliche but long story short she did get the help she needed. 6 months of no communication I came back home and visited her. She cried and held me and asked for forgiveness. I looked at her and said the same. 19 years later I got my mom back. I never really knew her before she became ill when I was a kid, but we have been working on our relationship since then and I can say I honestly love my mom.

    I've been through neglectful parents, a drunk father who never provided and stole from me, a mother who destroyed my life growing up. I could honestly just leave it all at that because this is a "what is your most traumatic experience" thread but I refuse to leave it at that and say that no one is inherently evil. We are people that can do good or evil but at the core of a human being we have love. When I came to Seattle, I became my own person and learned and grew with my own experiences and each time I come back to see my family I see the old brokenness in the scars but they are just scars now. Things are still tough with them but I am glad to have them all back at least.

  4. #29
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly.Ted View Post
    I understand the feelings very well. Not the cancer but I know what it feels like to be dead inside. The road that my life has taken lately has made me think about taking myself out every single day and night. I think the only reason I haven't is because I know my grandmother needs me. She's crippled up and has nothing left. I feel in my heart though that I wont make it to 30. To be honest with you though, I don't see much point in this world. I'm here for the very few people that need me and that's all. I'm very dead inside. Sometimes it gets to a point where you feel like you are shell shocked or something. You're just so dazed, hollow, and at a complete loss for words to what to say about life or the way things are. I see the others striving and moving on and living well and I just don't want to anymore. When my grandmother passes away, I will take my own life. That much I know is certain. I'm sick of this world. Life has beaten the living hell out of me this year and now there's nothing left inside. That's my cross and my crucifixion.
    Ted, I know that you don't know me, but I have to intervene. My uncle committed suicide right after my fifteenth birthday. I'm 21 now, and my family is still dealing with the after effects of his suicide. I was not even emotionally close to my uncle, but his suicide had a butterfly effect that ended up reaching dozens of people including me. For starters, it completely destroyed the relationship between me, my aunt, and my cousins whom I used to see on a regular basis. His suicide sent my mother and grandmother into depression, which in turn had a traumatic effect on me and my brother. Now the two of us are going to carry this trauma for the rest of our lives, and it will affect our children if we have any. The wheel never really stops turning, and remember, I wasn't even that close to him. You can't see the future; you have no way of knowing what the consequences of suicide will be.

    Even if you've convinced yourself that absolutely no person will be affected by your death, it will at least traumatize the person who has to discover your corpse. Related example: my best friend witnessed her roommate get hit by a truck and had to get psychotherapy. And unfortunately her therapist was lousy and made the problem worse. Do you see what I'm getting at? Every action we make has an infinite number of unpredictable consequences.

    And of course, I'll be sad if you commit suicide. I'm already sad just to read your post. I have very good memory, so I'll probably remember this thread ten years from now, wondering if I made a difference.

    As long as you're alive there's a chance your life can get better. Why would you take that away from yourself? I hope this post makes you reconsider things. Please call a suicide hotline.

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
    Last edited by Grain; 11-05-2014 at 01:48 PM.

  5. #30
    Senior Member Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted's Avatar
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by International 4-8818 View Post
    I had gone through a lot of grozit as a kid that really should make me a messed up individual but how I came out like this I attribute to one experience.

    Back in 08' I had gotten accepted into university in Seattle. At the time, we were going through utter chaos with my family. My father was a drunk and my mom was a bi-polar schizophrenic and we had been living in a hole of a hotel room for three years because we were poor. My sister and I were trying to organize a way for my mom to finally get help but she was refusing every possible form of treatment or help and would scream and say the most awful things about us. She had already been in jail and the court was pushing her to a mental ward. I was two weeks away from flying up to Seattle a three week from her being institutionalized by the state. Im kinda jumping around but around this time my dad and I had also left the hotel but still helped my mom out. We formed an intervention with her and tried pleading with her to accept our help to get her to a rehabilitation center. She screamed and yelled for hours and got pretty violent. Watching her go crazy like that, I saw the woman that was my mom now a prisoner in her own mind. I could let go of the times she used to hit me, saw awful things about me, ruin my life, push me to suicide, destroy a family, etc.. but I looked at her and said "you are going to lose me if you go to the ward.." I know it might have bee immature to resort to that kinda tactic but she turned and looked at me coldly said "I have no son...". I cried and left. A week later I was in Seattle. My dad called me a week later and told me that she accepted treatment through the rehabilitation center. I wasn't sure if I was happy when I heard that. i just saw my mom die infront of me when her illness took complete control over her and just threw me away. I'm not close with my family in all honesty. My childhood was really me taking care of myself and learning how to be an adult to manage with the chaos but I have always had a broken part of me longing for family. Healthy family. Loving family.

    I hate to use the writer cliche but long story short she did get the help she needed. 6 months of no communication I came back home and visited her. She cried and held me and asked for forgiveness. I looked at her and said the same. 19 years later I got my mom back. I never really knew her before she became ill when I was a kid, but we have been working on our relationship since then and I can say I honestly love my mom.

    I've been through neglectful parents, a drunk father who never provided and stole from me, a mother who destroyed my life growing up. I could honestly just leave it all at that because this is a "what is your most traumatic experience" thread but I refuse to leave it at that and say that no one is inherently evil. We are people that can do good or evil but at the core of a human being we have love. When I came to Seattle, I became my own person and learned and grew with my own experiences and each time I come back to see my family I see the old brokenness in the scars but they are just scars now. Things are still tough with them but I am glad to have them all back at least.
    Breaks my heart to hear this and I'm glad that you got your stuff together and it's all starting to work out. My parents were neglectful when I was growing up. I've only seen my mother once in my life. My father was too busy drinking to raise me so I was entrusted to my grandparents. My father has reminded me on a daily basis that I'm a failure throughout my life. So I can relate to a smaller degree. I hope things keep looking up for you. Hang in there, man. Glad to see you doing well.



    ---------- Post added at 03:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:21 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by Grain View Post
    Ted, I know that you don't know me, but I have to intervene. My uncle committed suicide right after my fifteenth birthday. I'm 21 now, and my family is still dealing with the after effects of his suicide. I was not even emotionally close to my uncle, but his suicide had a butterfly effect that ended up reaching dozens of people including me. For starters, it completely destroyed the relationship between me, my aunt, and my cousins whom I used to see on a regular basis. His suicide sent my mother and grandmother into depression, which in turn had a traumatic effect on me and my brother. Now the two of us are going to carry this trauma for the rest of our lives, and it will affect our children if we have any. The wheel never really stops turning, and remember, I wasn't even that close to him. You can't see the future; you have no way of knowing what the consequences of suicide will be.

    Even if you've convinced yourself that absolutely no person will be affected by your death, it will at least traumatize the person who has to discover your corpse. Related example: my best friend witnessed her roommate get hit by a truck and had to get psychotherapy. And unfortunately her therapist was lousy and made the problem worse. Do you see what I'm getting at? Every action we make has an infinite number of unpredictable consequences.

    And of course, I'll be sad if you commit suicide. I'm already sad just to read your post. I have very good memory, so I'll probably remember this thread ten years from now, wondering if I made a difference.

    As long as you're alive there's a chance your life can get better. Why would you take that away from yourself? I hope this post makes you reconsider things. Please call a suicide hotline.

    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
    I appreciate your concern but this is something that I can't shake. Maybe things will look up, maybe not. Either way... I can't take much more of this life at all. But as long as my grandmother breathes, I wont. And if I do... trust me... it was for the best. Thanks for your words. After being beaten down so bad lately... I just have no lingering affections for this world anymore. We all gotta die... I can't take a life time of this. I'm here for my loved ones - that's all. No other reason...

  6. #31
    teed's Puppy International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818's Avatar
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly.Ted View Post
    Breaks my heart to hear this and I'm glad that you got your stuff together and it's all starting to work out. My parents were neglectful when I was growing up. I've only seen my mother once in my life. My father was too busy drinking to raise me so I was entrusted to my grandparents. My father has reminded me on a daily basis that I'm a failure throughout my life. So I can relate to a smaller degree. I hope things keep looking up for you. So this is for my fellow black man trying to make it in a world full of grozit. Hang in there, man. Glad to see you doing well.



    From one black brotha to the next keep yah head up. Thank you man. I try to put myself together but at the end of the day I still look at the fact I left my family and I definitely feel that loneliness of not having them but I came to a point years ago where I can feel sad about that or I can use that pain as ambition to become the opposite of what my family used to be. I can represent the Simpson family and be something you know? Within the past year I just don't accept mediocrity and push myself daily to be something because I want to give my future wife and children the life I never have. I can't take back what I went through but I can change it.

  7. #32
    Senior Member Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted has a reputation beyond repute Ugly.Ted's Avatar
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by International 4-8818 View Post


    From one black brotha to the next keep yah head up. Thank you man. I try to put myself together but at the end of the day I still look at the fact I left my family and I definitely feel that loneliness of not having them but I came to a point years ago where I can feel sad about that or I can use that pain as ambition to become the opposite of what my family used to be. I can represent the Simpson family and be something you know? Within the past year I just don't accept mediocrity and push myself daily to be something because I want to give my future wife and children the life I never have. I can't take back what I went through but I can change it.
    Words of wisdom. I wish you the best in everything you do. I know you on a more personal level than a lot of others I know here and you're a great guy and very funny. I wish you the best.

  8. #33
    teed's Puppy International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818 has a reputation beyond repute International 4-8818's Avatar
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    Default Re: your most traumatic experience

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly.Ted View Post
    Words of wisdom. I wish you the best in everything you do. I know you on a more personal level than a lot of others I know here and you're a great guy and very funny. I wish you the best.
    Same with you man. You got my number still and I hope you get over here to Tacoma. If you need a ride or something let me know.

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