Dragonball humor

[Clayton_n]

Got any funny dragonball images, jokes, videos, quotes?





http://www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/311411536

[Clayton_n]

If I Ever Become a Dragonball Hero...

I will not hang in the sky and provide blow-by-blow commentary as my friends take on the villain one by one; instead, I will provide emergency training in a rare and arcane maneuver known as the "cavalry charge."
I will not allow my enemy to power up, no matter how cool it would be to fight him afterward.
I will keep a good book and a pack of cards on me at all times. That way, when I die, I’ll have something to do while I’m waiting to be resurrected.

If I’ve just spent the last several months in intensive training out of sight of the rest of the crew, I will not greet them with news of how powerful I’ve become and how many cool new attacks I’ve developed. I will tell them that I sprained my ankle after the first month and had to spend the rest of the time on my butt on the couch, watching daytime TV and waiting for my ankle to heal. Sure, it’s a lie, but I won’t have to endure a round of counterbragging, and Vegeta won’t offer to kick my donkey. And when I do unveil my new and improved superpowers, everyone will want to try my training regimen. ("Cheez doodles are fine for beginners, Vegeta, but you’ll need twinkies if you really want to go for the burn.")
If I have a power which can be upped by a near-death experience, I won’t wait until the middle of a pitched battle with the strongest enemy yet. I will institute a training regimen involving sterilized instruments and a two-pound bag of senzu beans several months before I expect trouble.
I will always have senzu on hand.
If the villain manages to deprive me of one set of dragonballs, I won’t fret or panic. The DB-verse has dragonballs the way dogs have fleas; another set will turn up in a moment.
I will have a list of wishes memorized so that if I need to make a wish fast, I won’t have to spend precious time trying to make one up.
"A pair of panties from a hot babe" is not a valid wish.
"A sex change for Vegeta" is.
I will make a wish to be able to "beep" Shenlong, instead of having to traipse all over the world to get seven damn balls.
If my enemies want to wish for immortality, why the hell don't I?
Dissenting opinion: Screw gaining immortality and controlling the universe; I'M TAKING OVER SIX FLAGS! WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!
I will not hang Kaioushin-sama from my rearview mirror like a punk kewpie doll. I will not hang Kaioushin-sama from my rearview mirror like a punk kewpie doll. I will not hang Kaioushin-sama...
I will have children early and often. By the time the oldest one is eight, I'll be able to pass on the world-saving business to them and go drink Zombies in Hawaii for the rest of the show. In all likelihood, the other characters won't allow me to actually do this, but at least I'll be able to.
I will remember that I can absorb massive amounts of damage, not that I have to.
If I do absorb massive amounts of damage, I won't bounce out of bed and start training again the instant the plaster on my cast is dry. I may have a Super Saiyajin healing factor and a Super Saiyajin insurance plan, but I don't need to strain them both to the very limit just to prove that I'm a man.
I will not keep any friends who, in the face of an impending fight, say things like, "I'm getting excited!" Yaoi is fine, but not that kind of yaoi.
If someone fires multiple ki blasts at me, I will not just run backwards in a panic. I will move. As in, go airborne.
If my opponent fades, I will immedeately turn behind me and power up a powerful attack. This way, I won't get my butt kicked, neck snapped, or any other form of pain added to my damage stats.
If my enemy is hanging motionless in the sky, I will not rush up at him. Instead, I will rocket up andaround him, and hit him from behind.
I will constantly fire my ki blasts quickly, and at my opponent's head. If this does not work, I will whip out a gun and shoot them in the kneecaps.
If I have a super-powerful attack that leaves me open to attack for several minutes, I will blind my enemy, then hide to power up for the attack, rather than standing on the highest, most visible platform in the area.
If I don't know a blinding technique, I will keep pepper spray on hand at all times.
I will not start easy and gradually use more powerful attacks as I get my butt kicked, I will use my full power from the start and kick my enemy's butt first.
I will not listen to taunts.
I will not show mercy.
I will not believe a word my enemy says.
If the enemy releases a ki blast that will certainly kill everyone present, I will stand behind Gokuu and use him as a shield. If anyone can stand the blast it's most probably him.
If Gokuu decides to dodge the blast instead of just staying there... I shall worry.
I will not make any sarcastic observations concerning Vegeta's hair unless I have a death wish.
I will also not laugh at Vegeta's pink shirt.
I will never endear myself to Gokuu so much that my death might bring about a new SSJ level. In fact, I will not allow myself to become absolutely essential to the emotional well-being of any Saiyajin. It's like wearing a large neon sign saying, "Please kill me now."
I will take credit for saving the earth whenever possible. The fans may hate me, but I'll be rich.
Dissenting opinion: I will not wrongfully take credit for defeating a powerful monster and brag to any of the DB boys about it. The next and last thing I'll hear will be "Big Bang Attack!" or "Makankosappo!"
I will always let Vegeta win, even if it's at tic-tac-toe and he's never played before.
I will not tell my enemy how weak and pitiful they are. This is their cue to power up and kick the living crap out of me.
I will not leave precious belongings and/or my only means of transportation from a planet out in the open for the villain to destroy at will.
I will not listen to the villain's life story, I will kill him and get on with my dinner.
I will tell everyone to fuse into one person as the first move of the fight, forming something called Picco-go-go-go-ge-trunks-in.
I will not, repeat, WILL NOT hit on Trunks. In fact, I will do everything in my power to make his life miserable.
I will, repeat, WILL hit on Piccolo. Just to see his reaction.
Dissenting opinion: I will determine who is the most attractive character left single on the show, and purposely argue constantly with them.

Dissenting dissenting opinion: I will not become romantically involved with a Saiyajin. It will ensure that the rest of my life will be spent cooking massive amounts of food, sewing massive amounts of new clothing, and waiting in utter fury for the boys to come home. It will also ensure that I will barely ever see my children; if they're not training, they're being kidnapped by whatever evil relative/megalomaniac/alien has happened to stop by this week.
Dissenting dissenting dissenting opinion: If I do manage to have a child with a Saiyajin, Daddy gets to take care of the little terror. From birth. Even potty-training. Especially potty-training.

I will become good friends with Vegeta.
I will under no circumstances attempt to shoot anyone who is male but has a female voice.
I will make sure of who my voice actor is before I sign the contract. Actors who are on crack and/or don't sound like they are the same sex as I are Right Out.
I will make sure to take the time to annoy the HFIL out of Piccolo. Sure, it won't do me ANY good whatsoever, but it will be well worthwhile to see him dodge water balloons.
If I cannot fly, I will damn well learn. It doesn't matter if I'm a human noncombatant; if the cat can fly, so can I.
I will train Mr. Satan to fly. God shouldn't have to carry his sorry donkey around.
If I find a villain too powerful for me to defeat, I don't have to beat him, I just have to last long enough that the villain who is coming along after him shows up and does the rest for me.
I will train during periods of peace so I don't end up reaching a new plateau of power in the middle of a battle.
Instead of wasting my time during periods of peace, I will collect the DragonBalls and wish for something useful like, oh... to be powerful enough to ward off whatever danger you just know is on its way.
I will buy stock in hair gel, because with Gokuu's relatives all hanging around, you know it's going to go way up.
I will leave more than 3.67 seconds to save my son's life when arriving at a battle scene.
I will shoot Bulma and Chichi...
... and throw their bodies on top of Dende's crumpled form.
Yajirobe tops the pile. [Note from Issendai: A lot of you have it in for Yajirobe. Here it is! He's dead! Stop sending me "kill Yajirobe" suggestions!]
I will mistrust those with hair more gravity-defying than my own.
I will not shriek like I'm trying to pass a Dragonball during combat. Breathing properly is a good thing.
I will not fight Garlic Junior, because it's sooooo annoying to have to fight an opponent who's about as high as your knees.
I will transform into something that looks vaguely dignified. Enormous monkeys and big ugly crocodiles are Right Out.
I will paint the Dragonballs with black stripes when I get them, so when a pursuing opponent catches up with me I can say it's just a basketball. Better yet, I will have the Dragonballs guarded by the Italian soccer team.
I will use enormous amounts of hair spray so that I can shred my opponents to death with my pointy hair. Or, if I'm bald, I will augment my normal blinding attack with the glint off my scalp.

I will not allow either Piccolo or Vegeta to train me. I don't care what's coming.
I will not stand anywhere near Krillin or Yamucha within two days of any battle.
I will not have a tail. Cool as the extra appendage may be, anyone with a tail will either get beaten and humiliated to within an inch of their life or killed slowly and/or painfully. If I do have a tail, I will get it removed as soon as possible.

If I run into a villain who inexplicably hates me, I will do my best to blame my dead evil twin.

[BronyBradyBuddyKiller]

[Sympathy]

dragonzball p
dragonzball peepee
dragonball z abridged

google em

[Clayton_n]

[Major.Tom]

[Ohyeah]

I am glad you asked.

[Clayton_n]

SAME VOICE ACTOR

[Major.Tom]

[Clayton_n]

[Clayton_n]

if i ever become a dragonball villain...

If I am fighting an opponent who is wearing nothing but a body stocking and an armored tank top, I will not concentrate my blows on his chest. I will aim for the throat and groin.

I will remember: Death does not faze the DB boys. Women do.

Since women faze the DB boys, I will always keep the latest issue of Playboy magazine with me. And the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. And a few Victoria's Secret catalogs. Master Roshi will be on me like white on rice, but I'll bet I can get a few bucks from Bulma, Chichi, Videl, and Pan for keeping him occupied.

I will introduce slapstick humor into all battles. No one has given Vegeta a wet willie before, and the look on his face will be well worth the beating.

I will not waste time developing new implements of mass destruction to use against the DB boys; a simple Valium mister or psychedelic dart will work just fine. (Look, Piccolo, butterflies!)

I will develop supersensitive hearing. When the heroes start analyzing the battle and explaining their companion’s newfound powers to one another, I’ll be in the loop.

If I suddenly develop a new superpower, I will not stop in the middle of battle to tell my opponent all about it. Psychological warfare is nice, but the element of surprise is nicer.

If I suddenly develop a new superpower, I will not stop to boggle at my newfound abilities. I will act as though I always had the power, and will attack with it immediately. Twice.

I will not kill God. It never helps.

I will not kill Krillin unless I have a death wish.

I will remember at all times that I can fly.

I will not sit back and allow my opponents to power up or do the Fusion dance.

When my scouter starts giving me ki readings, I will act impressed and read them off to my opponent as much higher than they are. Then, when my opponent starts powering up, I will act as though the readings are mysteriously dropping. This has no tactical advantage, but it will confuse the hell out of my opponents. They may waste precious time trying to grab my scouter off my face to see what in hell is going on.

If my most powerful opponents are eight years old, I will not try to run them off the field of battle by mocking them, threatening them, or killing their fathers. I will send them each a PlayStation 2 for Christmas.

I will switch sides early, before the DB boys have time to uncover my true agenda and defuse it.

And then I will become close friends with Chichi and Bulma, and introduce them to the wonders of psychotherapy. Three months of Ritalin, Prozac, and family therapy later, the Saiyajins will be groveling at my feet and begging me to conquer them just to make it stop.

I will never stand and grin smugly as my opponent disappears in the explosion from my attack. They will always show up again after the smoke clears. Instead, I'll throw everything I have into the center of the devastation to prevent them from making me look stupid by surviving.

I will remember that both my enemies and my allies would prefer a simple but eloquent "Bring it on!" rather than a long and snooze-inducing taunt to start a fight. The show's only thirty minutes long, after all.

Since my most powerful opponent is notoriously stupid, I will under no circumstances attempt to fight him. I will go to him peacefully and request to use the Dragonballs to save my dying world. If he is suspicious, I will begin to cry over my dying world and call him evil. If that fails, I will leave, dejected. Once in orbit I will use my doomsday world-destroying attack, then go straight on to Namek to try again. (Jerry Elscol)

I will keep blackmail items on hand at all times. ("Lookit! I have your baby pictures, Vegeta!")

I will remember that possessing X-rated pictures of Bulma will piss Vegeta off to no end.

I will not waste time taunting my opponents. People who use taunts are notorious for getting their butts kicked.

I will not trust my partners. They could backstab me, kill me, or send me for a loooong flight at any moment.

When I plan to blow up a planet, I will not tell everyone that I plan to blow it up. I will just blow it up.

I will be prepared to act weak to fool my enemy into having mercy on me. Then I will turn around and kick their butts.

If my scouter gives me a reading I don't like, I will not assume that it is broken. I will assume the reading is true and be prepared for the worst.

When I'm hunting dragonballs from a peaceful race I will not bother torturing them, I will just blow them up and take the dragonballs.

I will not kidnap Gohan. I will capture Krillin instead. He will be nearly as effective and I won't be bringing a little timebomb into my base.

Kidnapping Trunks is probably a bad idea too.

Under no circumstances will I take either Bulma or Chichi hostage. It's not worth the pain or the migraines.

If all else fails, I will swallow one of the dragonballs. Sure, I'll have one hell of a case of indigestion, but the good guys won't be able to get all seven.

I will not lie to Vegeta. While the truth may hurt me a lot, once he found out I lied, I would be in even more pain.

I will not give a damn who kills my arch-rival. Just so long as he dies.

When my enemy fires a huge ki blast at me and it does no good, I will not make some lame comment like, "You managed to singe some of my leg hairs." I will make no references to boy scouts or taking candy from babies. I will not refer to any of my henchmen as the "Spice Boys." In fact, I will not read any script prepared by Pioneer.

I will be prepared to stoop as low as to poison a Saiyajin's food.

I will not try to transplant my genius brain into the hero's body. I may be damn ugly with my robotic exo-suit, but hot damn, I can whoop donkey!

If my purpose is to destroy humans, I will not toy with them. I will trigger a few ecological disasters and get the job done quickly before that purple-haired brat can get strong enough to destroy me.

If the hero is about to kill me, I will show him a picture of my wife (or husband) and kids.

I'm screwed if the opponent about to kill me is Vegeta.

I will not engage in a counterblast battle with the hero, because inevitably, I would lose.

I will get some Saiyajin DNA injected into my system. They always get stronger and eventually whomp all who get in their way, and dammit, I want in on the fun!

Conquering the world/universe is SOOOOOO cliche. I will come up with an original villainous scheme.

Wishing for immortality is also SOOOOOO cliche. I will wish for something original—such as for the DB boys to be turned into crippled old men.

I will make sure that all Saiyajins I meet will no longer be able to have children.

I will not scream while powering up. While it does add to the effect, it also draws a helluvalot of unwanted attention, and signals quite clearly that I am about to attack.

When the hero arrives, I will be friendly and offer him a drink. I will have a cheerful conversation with the hero until he is stone cold drunk. Then I will offer him a ride home and kill him.

I will invite all the DB boys to the local bar and buy them all drinks—on me, of course. Sure, it'll be expensive, but it'll be worth it to make my victory easier.

If I cannot defeat the hero, I will beg to become his pupil and change my evil ways. Once I've learned all his secrets and tricks, I will kill him and resume my evil ways.

Instead of a battle, I will challenge the DB boys to a winner-takes-all road race. The DB boys' driving skills leave a lot to be desired.

If I cannot beat Gokuu with physical strength, I will challenge him to a chess match.

If my opponent is Vegeta, I will lie and tell him I heard that Gokou and Bulma had been doing "fun" things in bed together behind his back. Hopefully, he will ditch the fight with me in favor of pounding Gokuu's face in.

Children with purple hair will be systematically executed.

I will not have large stupid lummoxes for my minions. My right hand men will be as educated as they are strong.

If people cannot determine my gender on sight, I will get cosmetic surgery to correct the situation.

After I make my wish, I will kill Piccolo. No Piccolo = no more dragonballs = no more good guys getting wished back to spoil my plans.

If my opponents begin to do the Fusion pose, I will record it on film and threaten to sell copies to friends and family. This will likely stop them or mess them up—especially if Vegeta is involved.

I will finish off all opponents quickly, rather than savoring their "impending" demise.

If I build any robots to kill one person, I will include a backup program in case I was too late and he's already dead, so that my creations will not go nuts and turn on me.

I will under no circumstances enter an alliance with any being whose gender I cannot determine by sight. Similar exclusions apply to those who wear black lipstick, and beings who can change form at will. Any of these are a virtual guarantee of murderous rages and betrayal.

I will keep my blood pressure within normal levels. Although the eye twitching thing is cool, that pesky blood vessel on the right side of my forehead could kill me as thoroughly as a Genki Dama or Big Bang attack.

Along the same lines, if I have any serious inferiority or paranoia complexes (especially against humanoids with tails), I will see a competent psychiatrist.

If I really can't win, I shall send a rain of ki blast towards the nearest city. The DB boys, being such do-gooders, will try to counter all the attacks and save everyone, giving me the opportunity to flee.

This trick doesn't work if my opponent is Vegeta.

If I really can't win and my opponent is Vegeta, I'll send a ki blast directly at the ground and blow up the whole planet. If I have to die, I might as well take the DB boys to Hell with me.

If I start to lose, and my opponent is Gokuu, I will yell, "Look, Gokuu, food!", thus distracting him long enough for me to escape.

If I do manage to take over the world, I will destroy Capsule Corp. No Capsule Corp. = no time machine = no purple-haired teenagers messing up my plans.

If I am losing to Vegeta, I will announce that if he waits three days, I will become much more powerful.

I will not let the heroes pull this little trick on me in return. I'm an very impatient person. I will not give a damn whether in three days Vegeta or Gokuu will be stronger; those little freaks are hard enough to handle as is!

I will not allow the heroes to eat any senzu beans.

Dissenting opinion: I will take one senzu, coat it with ipecac, and let the hero steal it from me.

Before anything else, I will get one Earth dragonball and one Namek dragonball, put them in a radar-proof container, and hide them under my dirty underwear.

I will go to Karin Tower, take all the available senzu, and waste the place.

If weaker human fighters are trying to stall me, I will use my full power to kill them all and then run like mad before the hero can arrive.

If the hero has arrived, I will knock all the human fighters unconscious and have them put somewhere safe. No sense risking another SSJ level.

All children born with tails shall be immediately executed.

I will not throw any ki attacks bigger than my head. If I absolutely must, it will be a diversionary tactic to cover a smaller, faster attack.

I will carry a small, adorable puppy at all times.

I will always keep an unbreakable camera with me. The chance that the heroes might actually get the credit may be enough to keep them from winning.

The next time there is a Tenchi Ichi Budokai, I will wait until the heroes have beat each other senseless and then waste the arena.

While the heroes are fighting my right hand men, I will sneak up behind them and break their necks.

If all the fighters are near-dead and Gokuu raises his arms and just stands there, I will kill him. Immediately.

I will never employ anyone who uses Paper, Scissors, Rock to determine who will battle.

If I have been beaten and the hero lets me off, I will go heal myself before double-crossing him.

I am a villain. I don't give a flying crap about honor.

I will KILL the women and children.

I will not play with my opponents. Psychological warfare is not worth wasting on the likes of Gokuu.

I will become a better cook than Chichi, then the DB boys won't have the heart or stomach to kill me.

If I lose, I will not lady about how I'm all-powerful and shouldn't be able to die. If I'm gonna die, I'll go without looking like an idiot.

If I am the rare female villain I will not cling to any available males, despite the fact that they're single. Or, more to the point: I won't bother hitting on Piccolo, since I know I'm not gonna get anything out of it.

If I'm gonna have to destroy an omnipotent type, I will not kill the current Kami. Kaioh-sama is the first to go.

If I must make speeches before the fight, I will take speech lessons.

I will not keep trying to fight someone who has already kicked my booty multiple times. I will aim for his wife.

If I must take over a planet, I will not choose Earth, Namek, or any other miserable ball of rock which the Saiyajin have decided to adopt. There are plenty of planets in the galaxy which don't have pointy-haired psychopaths for protectors.

I will run away as soon as Gokuu loses his shirt. Gokuu - shirt = villain going to die.

For Kami's sake, I will NOT stand there and giggle to myself while they power up in preparation to whoop my sorry butt.

I will kill no relatives or close friends of anyone who has or has had a tail.

All henchmen are incompetent by definition. I'll just go out and get the damn dragon balls myself.

If I burn Vegeta's hair, I will run. Fast.

If I ruin Gokuu's lunch, I will not bother flying away. I will immediately begin writing my last will and testament.

I will not stand around looking awed or smirk while anyone is gathering their strength. I will attack while they're screaming and have their eyes closed. Yeah, I'll miss out on some nifty pyrotechnics, and yeah, I'll be breaking anime rules of power-gathering, but the fans will love me for getting to the much anticipated action. And won't it be an interesting way to be original?

I will not gloat preemptively. This is the cue for the near-dead Gokuu to come barreling out of nowhere and liquefy my kidneys.



if i ever become a
dragonball fashion consultant...

I think we can all agree that Dragonball fashion is... not. Here are the comments I've gotten so far:

Since I will probably spend much of my time hanging in the sky, I will not wear black, orange, purple, or bright white. I will wear baby blue.

Black lipstick is not an option.

Neither are pink armwarmers.

Or spandex bodysuits.

Dissenting opinion: The spandex actually makes Vegeta attractive. I will consider this when choosing my battlegear.

Black tank tops, black silk pants, and Capsule Corp. jackets are a definite option. Oh, yeah. Although the boots may need rethinking.

Pants are mandatory.

I will not wear bikini briefs. Radditz, Nappa, Zaborn, the Ginyu force, Freezer, all wore some sort of bikini briefs, and all of them are dead. 'Nuff said.

I will not take fashion tips from my sire. (re: Freezer and King Cold)

I will get my underlings tailor-made uniforms. I know it won't help me in any way, but at the very least I won't look cheap by using secondhand Saiyajin armor.

I will buy clothes that are not easily blown up.

I will keep a spare T-shirt and a pair of jeans near me at all times, so that when my clothes get blown to shreds, I don’t have to dress like the natives. Neck tutus give me a rash.

I will make sure I'm wearing clean underwear, just in case something happens to my pants.

Dissenting opinion: I will fight naked. Why wear clothes? The next time an energy blast hits me I'm going to lose my shirt anyway. Besides, I'm built like a brick shithouse. Why shouldn't I show it off?

I will bear my SSJ form in mind when designing my hairstyle, and eliminate any parts, poofs, points, or ponytails which will make me look like a goof when I power up.

I will comb my hair at least once a month.

[Clayton_n]

[Clayton_n]

[Clayton_n]

[Clayton_n]

MSts of DBZ episodes

http://www.oocities.org/tokyo/shrine/7990/


"It's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!"
t
THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ -- Episode 1 (English dub)

(The opening montage plays. It consists of a hard rock score, a series of scenes cobbled together from the series, and an obnoxious chorus that goes "Dragon, Dragon -- rock the Dragon, Dragon -- Ball -- Z; Dragon, Dragon--rock the Dragon, come -- with -- me!" As it plays, MIKE NELSON, CROW T. ROBOT and TOM SERVO enter and find their seats.)
(MIKE: is a human, clean-cut, who tends to wear jumpsuits or the occasional sailor suit. He really, really, REALLY resents being forced to watch one of those "violent Japanese porn cartoons" and is not going to give this or any other anime half a chance.)

(TOM: is a small, red robot with a clear plastic head. He bears a strong resemblance to a gum-ball machine. Although he is not crazy about this, he likes big explosions (occasionally he even is a big explosion), so he thinks he can tolerate this to some extent. Tom's sarcasm modulator has never worked quite right, leading to occasional offensive in-your-face commentary.)

(CROW: is a medium-sized, whisper-thin gold robot with a long, protruding snout and lattice work on the back of his head. Of the three, he has historically been the biggest basher of Japanese pop culture--but he has a secret fascination with a couple of Dragonball-Z's main characters, and is not as upset about this as he pretends to be. Crow's biggest weakness is a tendency toward motion sickness, which some of the special effects in Dragonball Z are likely to aggravate.)

Mike: I can't believe Mrs. Forrester is making us watch one of these violent, pornographic Japanese cartoons!
Crow: It's called "anime." This one isn't pornographic. Um, so I'm told. I wouldn't know, of course.
Tom: How's about we just call it boring and say we're done?
Crow: Hey, you haven't even given it a chance yet!
Mike: Pearl sends us something she thinks is going to destroy us, and you think we should just sit here passively and be destroyed?
Crow: I'm just saying it might not be that bad, that's all! Geez...
(In space, a bright light flares and then speeds by the camera. A circular space ship heads toward a blue cloud-wreathed planet.)

Tom: Okay, here we go. Who wants the first riff?
Mike: Ummm... (woodenly) "Oh, look. They really hit that one out of the park. Heh, heh."
Tom: This is gonna bite big time...
(Long legged pink birds peck at the green grass in an alpine meadow)

Crow: It's one of Montana's legendary pink lawn flamingo farms.
Mike: I WANT OUT OF HERE!
Tom: Easy, Mike, it's just the first two minutes. Take a deep breath...that's right.
Voice: (sort of singing) Do-di-do-di-do

Crow: Frank Sinatra's really not in good voice today.
Tom: Death really takes it out on your vocal chords-- Geez, that was dark and lame. I'm gonna need a sec to clear my head...(Tom starts reciting a mantra of "Om...Om...")
Mike: (whimpers)
(A farmer stands next to a blue Chevrolet truck, using a pitchfork to toss hay in.)

Crow: (singing an old advertising ditty) "See the U.S.A in your Chevrolet..." Guys, I could use some help here!
Tom: (stops his chanting for a second) We'll toss in when we can. Om...
Farmer: (southern hick accent) Whew-ee! This job's bigger than I thought!

(He looks up). Huh?

Crow: (hick accent) Who knew plastic birds crapped this big?
(A fireball approaches. The farmer is bathed in red light as it passes just over him and crashes just over a nearby ridge. The birds run around in panic.)

Farmer: I guess I'd better go check it out.

Crow: Not like I have anything to live for. (Long pause) Tom, will you cut that the heck out!
Tom: (stops chanting) Oh! Sorry. I'm ready now. (Clears throat)
Farmer: (pause) Why me?

Tom: Because you're the useless ancillary character, and you've got to do what a useless ancillary character does! C'mon, now--go get killed!
(Title Screen: THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ)

THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ
(The farmer races toward the fallen celestial object in his Chevy pick-up truck)

Mike: Okay, I can do this--ahem. (sings off key) "See the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet!
Crow: I did that already, Mike.
Tom: Mike, honey, take some more deep breaths.
Farmer: (gulping as he gets out of the truck) I better bring my pea-shooter.

Crow: (hick accent) On account of I saw that Hollywood motion picture about them there pod people.
(The farmer stands near the edge of a very large impact crater. Inside the crater, a round, white object steams)

Tom: Hey, I've been raising Cassowaries next to old Faithful.
Farmer: (clutching a shotgun) It's no meteor. It's made of steel! (Makes whimpering sounds, then I'll be darned!

ALL: (as Gomer Pyle) Golly!

"It's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!"
(One side of the white object opens with a creak. The farmer gapes. A bright light shines, then a hand grasps the edge of the door. A shadowy Alien steps out.)

Farmer: (more terrified sounds)

(The camera goes black except for little jags around the edge. Then feet are seen as something with a lot of hair levitates out of the impact crater.)

Mike: My God, no -- it's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!
Tom: He really went overboard on the volumnizer!
(The Alien lands. The camera pans slowly over booted feet, bare legs with a strap around one thigh, brown flaps that cover groin and flanks, an armored chest, shoulder guards, and a pale, stern face with a deep widow's peak. The Alien is wearing a lens over one eye attached to an earpiece.)

ALL: AHHHH!
Mike: That's a lot more of Vidal Sassoon than I ever wanted to see!
Crow: It's a lot more than Beverly Sassoon ever saw...
Alien: So the creatures on this planet are still alive. Kakarot has failed us!

Farmer: (yet more terrified sounds)

Tom: (hick accent) Hey, y'all call this living?
Farmer: (mumbles) You're...on...my...property...

Mike: (squeaky) Um, please leave? Pretty please?
(Farmer loads shotgun)

Alien: Is that so? (Close-up of his face as he touches the side of the earpiece.)

Mike: I'm just going to change the tape here to something more appropriate to snuff you by...There!
(The Alien advances on the farmer)

Alien: Your power level is puny. Level 5. Too bad...

Tom: You should have used the extra hold pomade.
(Camera shows what the farmer looks like through the scouter...green-tinged, out-lined in yellow, with mathematical symbols in one corner)

Farmer: Don't you come any closer! I'll use this thing!

Mike: It's more powerful than it seems! It doubles as a LAPD baseball bat!
(Alien moves forward. The farmer stumbles back, screaming. The shotgun goes off.)


"Thank goodness for that crotch concealer."

Tom: (hick accent) Darn, why didn't I take notes when I watched that Chuck Heston "How To Use Your Shotgun To Kill Aliens On Your Property" video!
(The Alien moves his hand in front of his forehead and grabs the bullet. He chuckles.)

Tom: (as a baseball announcer) And it's outta the park--no, a quick grab by the guy with the hair! He's outta there!
Alien: Here; catch.

(He flips the bullet like a marble; it shatters the shotgun. The farmer flies back and hits the front grill of the Chevy. Another close-up of the Alien's face; he's smirking.)

Mike: (British) Take that, L'Oreal!
Alien: Hmph. What a fragile breed of people.

Tom: Well made truck, though. Hardly dented the grill!
(There's a beeping noise.)

Alien: Hmmm? (He turns his head. The scouter shows an arrow pointing toward some mountains.) There's a high power level over there! Must be Kakarot. (He pushes off against the ground, and starts flying toward the mountains.) Prepare yourself, Kakarot! I'm coming...(echoes) -ing, -ing, -ing...

(Scene changes to a peaceful-looking mountain vista. A hawk flies over head. A deer walks by. Songbirds make tweety sounds. In a small round house, a woman looks out a window. Behind her is a table heavily loaded with food.)

Woman: Gohan! Time to come in! Gohan!

(Outside, a man in a loose-fitting, sleeveless outfit is jumping from tree limb to tree limb.)

Tom: George, George, George of the Jungle!
Mike: (dull) Watch out for that tree.
(Figure lands. The camera does a slow body scan from the ground up, ending on a cheerful, smiling face.)

ALL: AHHHH!
Mike: Well, at least this one had pants on.
Man: Ah. This one ought to do.

(The man is standing in front of a very, very wide tree. He takes an offensive fighting stance.)

Tom: Okay, tree, this is it. I've raked leaves for the very last time!
Man: Hai! (He punches the tree)

(Long shot of the forest, with one of the trees slowly tipping over.)

Mike: Obviously one of the timber industry's elite commandos.
Crow: Hey, someone has to deal with those obnoxious environmentalists!
Tom: Not to mention those uppity redwoods.
Woman: (who has now come outside to call) Hey, Gohan! (She stops and smiles.) Hey, Goku. Think you've got enough firewood, there?

Crow: Yeah, for today, anyway.
(Goku carries the tree to the house and drops it at the woman's feet.)

Goku: Yeah, that ought to do, don't you think?

Mike: I really showed that 500-year-old last-refuge-for-the-spotted-owl who's boss, huh?
Woman: You're going to hurt yourself doing that one of these days.

Tom: And there's that mob hit the oaks put out on you...
Goku: Ah, I'm fine. Where's Gohan?

Tom: (shouting) Lay off, lay off, you're smothering me!
Woman: (sighing) I don't know. But you better go find him. You two are suppose to be at Master Roshi's soon.

Goku: Oh, yeah, that's right.

Woman: You better take the flying nimbus, or you'll be late for your reunion.

Goku: (running off) Bye, Chi-chi!


"Abu on vacation."
Chi-chi: Goku, be careful! Oh, all this worrying is going to give me wrinkles.

(Meanwhile, in a more desert like terrain, a caped figure surveys the landscape.)

Mike: Abu on vacation.
(The figure suddenly whirls around. There's a close-up of a green face with bulging eyes and sharp fangs)

ALL: AHHHHH!
Mike: Norman Osborne!
Tom: Phil Urich!
Crow: Dr. Bart Hamilton!
Mike and Tom: Who?
Crow: (abashed) I don't know... Where'd that come from?
Green Guy: It can't be--! I've never felt such power--!

Tom: Someone who uses A Touch Of Mink hairspray is in the area!
(He stares off into the distance, the white cape snapping behind him)

Green Guy: It can't be Goku-- It's too horrible--

(A speck on the horizon resolves itself into the Alien that landed on Earth earlier)

Green Guy: Oh-oh.

Crow: It's worse than horrible. It doesn't have the decency to cover up its legs!
(Alien lands)

Alien: Excuse me for dropping in. I'm trying to find a man named Kakarot. I thought you were him.

Green Guy: You're excused. But maybe you should get glasses for both your eyes.

Alien: (unamused) You are a very funny man.

Mike: (eager) Wanna join my improv group?
Green Guy: Yeah? I wouldn't count on that.

Crow: I bombed on Amateur night.
Green Guy: Now, be off.

Alien: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Tom: (high-pitched) I've met your kind on other planets, jerk.
(The Alien looks through the lens. The Green Guy looks fairly yellowish through the green lens.)

Alien: Power level of three-hundred-and-twenty-two. I can tell you're not from this planet. But you'd be a fool to attack me...with such an insufficient power.

Green Guy: (taking a fighting stance) Now listen to me -- you came here! I have no interest in starting a fight!


"Thank goodness for that crotch concealer."
Alien: I do...

(Close-up of Green Guy's sweating face.)

(Camera shot from the ground, shooting up at Alien)

Mike: Whoa! Thank goodness for that crotch concealer.
Tom: I already feel like I'm waaay too intimate with this guy's physique.
(Another close-up of Green Guy's sweating face. Long pause.

Mike: Do I really want fry someone with this much hair? Think of the stench!
(Then a close up of Green Guy's arm, which bulges weirdly. Green Guy raises his arm and fires a blast of energy from his palm, which hits the Alien.)

(Green Guy grins...but when the dust clears, the Alien is floating over a blast crater.)

Tom: (British) Oh, I just knew you were with Max Factor!
Alien: Goodness! You've managed to singe some of my leg hairs.

Tom: Well, some pants would have prevented that!
(Green Guy freaks)

Mike: The power -- the hold -- the shine -- No, I'm being overcome by someone who uses better grooming products than I do -- ARGGG!
Alien: Allow me to demonstrate a more effective attack... I call this one here, Keep Your Eyes on the Birdie.

(He raises one hand. Green Guy seems frozen in terror.)

Alien: Now-- Keep your eyes on the birdie!

Mike: Tweet, tweet -- tweet, tweet. Let's all sing like the birdies do--
Tom: Mike, if you EVER use a riff from the Tiki Room again, you'll be seeing birdies!
(Alien's scouter blinks at him.)

Alien: Hmmm? I sense a strong power -- that must be him! (He takes off)

Tom: Rula Lenska, your V-05 hold is mine, girlfriend!
(Green Guy watches in amazement, then grits his teeth)

Green Guy: This guy could be a problem...

(Alien is flying over cloud level, speeding)

Alien: I'm coming, Kakarot... I can still remember the day when we sent you to this planet as an infant. (Flashback of a small, spiky-haired baby with a tail on a burning planet being put into a space pod, and people standing around watching as it takes off.) We had high hopes for you then. Why haven't you carried out your mission?

(Scene change to Goku, who is standing on a small, moving, yellow cloud and looking around. The cloud speed down to a wide lake and touches the water.)

Tom: (surfer voice) Hey, dude! I don't need no waves! Wooh-whoo!
(Goku is looking grim)

Goku: Gohan!

(A small boy is clinging to a branch.)

Gohan: Help me! I'm stuck up here! Help me!

(The yellow cloud, with Goku sitting on it, slowly rises underneath the branch.)

Gohan: Help, please! (He opens his eyes and sees Goku sitting in front of him.) Huh?

(Music changes to a brisk South Caribbean tune as the camera shows a small island with palm trees and a pink, A-frame house.)

Mike: But never mind the tense rescue of the little kid; let's go to Jamaica, mon!
(Mike and the 'Bots all bounce around in tune to the music)
(A craft that looks like a helicopter without rotors slowly hovers over the island...)

Tom: Ohmigod, no, the rotors fell off! Oh, the humanity!
(...and lands. A woman with short-blue hair leaps out and runs to the open front door of the house.)

Woman: Hello? Hel-lo? Hey, you guys!

Crow: (suddenly hyper) It's Bulma! There she is! Bulma, hi! Hi!
Mike: Who?
Tom: What?
(Inside, there is an old man with a beard, a small bald guy, and a sea turtle, all apparently preparing a meal.)

Guys: Hey, hi, Bulma!

Mike: Crow, you been peeking at the experiments ahead of time again?
Crow: (defensively) No!
Tom: You know it invalidates the data when you do that.
Crow: I have not!
Bulma: Wow, it's sure been a long time, hasn't it?

Old Guy: Yep, and you look as beautiful as you ever did.

Mike: (old guy voice) Of course, I never did get my prescription checked again after the '39 World's Fair.
Crow: (importantly) That's Master Roshi. He's a sensei.
Tom: You did peek at the experiment!
Crow: Did not!
Tom: Did too!
Bulma: Oh, you men. You're impossible.

Roshi: I guess you forgot about my truffles. But that's okay--I forgive you.

(Bulma holds out a Chinese-take-out food box)

Bulma: Surprise!

(Turtle looks ecstatic)

Bulma: See, I didn't forget.

Roshi: Goodness, you're going to spoil this old man.

(Over the ocean, the yellow cloud is zipping along, leaving a yellow trail in its wake. Gohan is shrieking with laugher as he sees sea-gulls and flying fish. Back in the house...)

Bald Guy: So, what's Yamcha up to nowadays, Bulma?

Bulma: (Looking furious) Errr, that idiot! He's playing baseball for one of the pro teams in the city. But he made me so mad I didn't even tell him we were going to be here today. I'm through with him! He took someone else out!

Crow: YAY! The field's already clear for... ah, ahem, I mean, how tragic.
Mike: You know these people or something, Crow?
Crow: No!
Roshi: Breaking up is hard to do.

Bald Guy: I wouldn't know...

Bulma: So, where's Goku at?

Bald Guy: He said he was going to be here. I guess he's on his way. (He opens the candy box and starts to dig in)

Roshi: Krillain, leave me some!

(Elsewhere, the ominous Alien is still flying along)

Alien: This power moves with great speed! But I will catch it...heh, heh, heh.

(An arrow in his eyepiece points; he turns over some mountains)

Tom: Whoa, a bank turn! Does that bring back memories or what?
Mike and Crow: (hum the theme to Star Fighters)
(The yellow cloud swoops down to the island)

Goku: Here we are, Gohan! (He leaps off the cloud, holding a nervous Gohan in his arms) Hey, is anyone home?

Bulma: Goku! Hey, who's the kid?

Krillain: Goku, babysitting? Well, I'll be darned.

Tom: I thought the courts said you couldn't do that any more.
Goku: (proudly) He's my son.

(The camera pans over Goku's astonished friends, who are performing the anime trick known as "face-faulting.")

Goku: Pretty wild, huh?

Bulma: Oh, Goku, he's adorable.

Goku: Gohan, say hi.

Gohan: (bows. The others bow back) Hello...everybody

Goku: This is Gohan.


" Ah, Genus Chelonia, species carnivorous."
Turtle: Awwww.

(Gohan looks at the turtle in complete terror)

Tom: Ah, Genus Chelonia, species carnivorous. Especially likes kids with tail wearing yellow jackets. I was warned about you on the National Geographic After School Special!
Roshi: You named him after your grandfather.

Goku: That's right.

(Gohan latches onto his father's leg as the turtle gets closer. Bulma kneels down in front of Gohan.)

Bulma: And how old are you?

Gohan: (slowly holds up four fingers) Five and a half.

Tom: Still working on the counting thing, I see.
Bulma: Are you going to be a brave fighter like your dad?

Goku: Chi-chi doesn't let him train.

Bulma: Oh? No martial arts, huh? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Gohan: An orthopedist.

Bulma: Wow. An orthopedist. Huh.

(The turtle moves next to Gohan; Gohan cringes)

Goku: He's just saying hi, Gohan.

Bulma: A tail...

(The turtle lowers his head; Gohan hesitantly raises a hand.)

Goku: Yeah, he was born with one, just like me. I think he wants to be petted, Gohan.

(Gohan pats the turtle. Bulma leaps up, alarmed.)

Bulma: Oh, man. Has anything strange ever happened to Gohan at night?

Mike: Besides the time he got kidnapped by aliens, you mean?
Crow: He turns into a giant monkey when he looks at the full moon.
Tom: (laughing) Oh, but who doesn't!
Goku: What do you mean?

Roshi: (leaping into the frame) She means, has Gohan ever looked at the moon at night when its full?

Goku: I don't think so. We all go to bed pretty early. Why?

(As Gohan climbs on the turtle's back, the others start acting really casual)

ALL: Why, oh, no reason, nothing...

(Turtle walks to the edge of the water with Gohan. Gohan starts chasing waves, but acts scared of them.)

Krillain: He's a lot different than you were when you were a kid.

Goku: (depressed) I know. Chi-chi's pretty protective of Gohan. She makes Gohan study all the time. She says martial arts are a waste of energy.

Mike: Why'd I have to go marry a woman with standards?
(Gohan is now playing "rock, scissors, paper" with a crab; the crab keeps coming up "scissors.")

Krillain: Well, what does that make us, then?

Old Guy: Boys, settle down, you can't expect everyone to agree with what you're doing. It would be all too easy, then.

(Crab squirts water (or something) on Gohan)

Old Guy: (laughing) Watch out, he might pinch you, Gohan! That crab's a sore loser.

(Gohan, laughing, runs back to his father.)

(Bulma looks at Gohan's hat.)

Bulma: That's a real dragonball on your hat, isn't it?

Mike: A what?!
Goku: Yep. It was my grandfather's. I've been collecting them for fun. Gohan wants to see the dragon, but he'll have to give his up.

Bulma: It's wild to think of all the things we went through to get those dragonballs.

Mike: WHAT?! Crow, you said this wasn't a porno cartoon!
Crow: It isn't, geez! Dragonballs are magic...um, (trailing off) I don't know anything...Just watch, okay?
Krillain: (picking up a rock and skipping it.) Hey, Goku; what are you guys going to wish for when you get them all?

Goku: (also picking up a rock and skipping it) I don't know, Krillain. That's a good question. Come to think of it, I don't really want anything.

(Goku's rock splits the water.)

Mike: Oops! (calling) Sorry, Flipper!
Tom: (makes noises like a really teed-off dolphin)
Old Guy: I thought Goku had less power now that he's settled down.

Krillain: You're still one bad dude, Goku!

Tom: That Goku is one bad mother...
Crow: (shocked) Shut your mouth!
(Goku suddenly freezes)

Goku: Man--something is heading straight for us...

Bulma: What? Are you sure?

Goku: I've never felt a power like this before.

Krillain: I feel it now, too...

Bulma: There's nothing there, you guys...

(Turtle looks up at the sky)

Goku: What is it? I've never felt anything this powerful--and it's a horrible power, too. I'm trembling...

Tom: (As Dr. Frank N. Furter) In antici...
Mike and Crow: SAY IT!
Tom: ...pation...
Old Guy: There--there! I see it, too!

Krillain: It can't be Piccolo...

Tom: It's Flute!
Crow: No, it's Clarinet!
Mike: Fife, guys. Definitely Fife.
(The ominous Alien heads for the island)

Old Guy: (as an image of the Alien reflects in his sunglasses) This isn't good...

Alien: (chuckling) So we meet again, at last... You've grown up.

Goku: Huh?

Alien: I recognize you, little Kakarot.

Goku: Kako--rot?

Alien: That's right. That's your name.

Everyone: Huh? What?

Krillain: Guess he's nuts.

Alien: Kakarot, what have you been doing here all these years? Your mission was to terminate all life forms on this planet. So, why haven't you carried it out?

(Goku looks nervously over his shoulder at the "life forms.")

Mike: (whispers) Shhh! I'm lulling them into a false sense of security.
Krillain: Listen, mister, I don't know who you are, but I think you've got the wrong party. (Waves a hand at the Alien) Shoo! Shoo! I think you've been digging into the eggnog. Allow me to show you off the island.

Goku: Krillain, look out!

(Something moves from around the Alien's waist. Krillain is flicked, screaming, into the side of the house.)

Mike: What did he just hit the bald guy with? Crow, this is a porno cartoon!
Crow: Now, Mike, the little guy just got belted.
Tom: Literally!
Goku: Krillain! (He whirls back on the stranger, and suddenly notices...)

Crow: See! That ain't no belt.
Goku: A tail! Hey, he's got a tail, too!

(The Alien's tail waves around a bit before he tucks it back around his waist)

Mike: That's...that's incredible disturbing.
Crow: Mike, you are such a wuss.
Alien: So you know who I am at last!

Goku: (high-pitched) What are you talking about! I've never seen you before!

(Gohan runs to his father; Bulma tries to stop him)

Goku: Gohan, get back!

Alien: Tell me; did you ever suffer a serious blow to the head when you were young?

Goku: (trying to get Gohan to let go of his leg) What?

Crow: Look, kid, just 'coz you've seen Rover doing this doesn't mean you should!
Alien: When you were a kid, did you ever hit your head?

Goku: Gohan...

(Bulma pulls Gohan away)

Tom: (as Gohan, hysterically) Daddy, daddy, no! (With sudden interest) Heeey, a girl. Cool!
Alien: (snarling) Did you hear me?

Goku: Yes! (He rubs the side of his head) I don't remember it very well, but I did hit my head when I was a child. I still have the scar

Alien: You fool! You forgot!

Goku: Forgot what! Tell me!

Master Roshi: Goku! There's something your grandfather told me that I think you should know.

Mike: (as Roshi) There's no such thing as Dilithium Crystals. They were made up by a science fiction writer!
Crow and Tom: NO!
Roshi: (flashback starts; an elderly man in traditional Chinese garb stands over a small, circular craft) A long time ago, your grandfather Gohan found a small spacecraft in the woods. And there you were; lying on the ground on a little round pod. Gohan tried to take you (image of baby Goku biting the hand of Grandfather Gohan), but you were wild; downright uncontrollable! (Series of images showing baby Goku resisting diapering, kicking Grandfather Gohan, throwing his bottle at Grandfather, etc.) You were unusually powerful for a baby. You wouldn't have anything to do with Gohan's kindness. (Image of Grandfather Gohan carrying a pouting baby Goku in a basket on his back.) Then one day, there was an accident! (Image of baby Goku jumping out of the basket and falling over the edge of a cliff). You fell into a ravine, and badly injured your head. But you recovered. (Image of a bandaged baby Goku in bed). And from that day on, you became a happy, loving boy. (Image of a beaming baby Goku standing next to Grandfather Gohan as flashback ends).

Mike: And the moral is...?
Tom: Stay away from crash sites involving preternaturally strong babies?
Crow: Oh, I know, I know! (Importantly) Kids getting hit on the head is a good thing.
Mike: You get a RAM-chip during break, Crow!
Crow: Yes!
Goku: I'm from outer space?

Roshi: Yes.

Mike: Diddly-der-hey!
Goku: (to Alien) All right, who are you? What do you want from me!?

Alien: I want to put you to work.

Mike: We need a "before" candidate for our make-over commercial
(Krillian climbs out of the hole he made in the house.)

Goku: Krillain, you all right?

Krillian: Careful, Goku. He's not...er, normal.

Mike: And I have to tell you about the owls, too.
Crow: Yeah, they're not what they seem. Everyone knows that by now.
Alien: You're not normal either, my forgetful friend.

Goku: Huh?

Alien: You were born on the planet Vegeta. You are a space fighter -- a Saiyan warrior! Just like me.

(Goku is seen reacting against an exploding background)

Tom: Oh, no, the planet blew up! Oh, wait; everything's okay now.
Alien: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Raditz. Your big brother.

(Lots of Andy-Warhol type reaction shots from Goku.)

Mike: And the editor goes for the Omni award!
Krillain: Goku has a brother!?

Bulma: Goku--he looks like you!

Goku: Why should I believe you?

Krillian: Hey, that's right. Why would Goku live on Earth if he's from another planet?

Raditz: That's simple. We had important clients who were desperate for a planet like this one. So Kakarot was sent here to get it ready for takeover. (Close-up of Goku's eyes, with sweat running past them)

Mike: Is it hot in here...?
Raditz: You see, we Saiyans are sort of like -- planet brokers. (Fade out of Raditz's face; a montage of the solar system starts.) We find planets that will bring a high price in the galactic market, and we send warriors there to purge them of any life and make them ready for sale. (Images of Saiyan warriors attacking.)

Tom: (as 1930s gangster) Century 21 is taking over this neighborhood, see?
Crow: (ditto) The E.R.A. gang is muscling in on our terrority, boss!
Tom: Yeah? Well, it's time them and the fishes had a little talk, heh, heh, heh...
Raditz: We send adult fighters to planets with strong inhabitants, (image of a large ringed giant over a city, and a landing platform with a baby and an adult fighter about to take off) but for a weak planet like Earth, one of our babies is sufficient to carry out the order. Kakarot was sent to clean out this planet, but he obviously forgot his mission. (Flashback ends with an image of Goku's spacepod on Earth.)

Krillain: If what you say is true, you Saiyans are an abomination. You're space pirates, that's what you are!


" All right, Gohan's getting some!"
Bulma: (grabbing Gohan protectively) You send little babies off into space by themselves!

(Mike and the 'Bots speak together)
Mike: All right, Gohan's getting some!
Tom: Way to go, kid!
Crow: Whoo, whoo!
Raditz: That's enough! Don't get me mad.

Mike: (as TV's Dr. David Banner) You wouldn't like me mad.
Raditz: Kakarot! With the help of the full moon, you could have destroyed them all in a few years! If you only had remembered...!

Goku: What's a full moon got to do with it?

Tom: (singing as Tina Turner to the tune of "What's Love Got To Do With It?") What's a full moon except a planetary body?
(Raditz suddenly gasps and recoils)

Raditz: What happened to your tail, Kakarot?!

Goku: My tail? (He glances behind himself and looks down at his own backside)

Tom: Does this jumpsuit made me look fat?
Raditz: Answer me, now!

(Gohan looks at his tail)

Goku: It was removed for good a long time ago.

Raditz: You fool. Do you know what you've done? You true power is gone now! (A little window over his shoulder suddenly shows a see-through full moon) You've lost your ability to transform in the full moon. (Insert shows a glimpse of a roaring creature with a long muzzle and red eyes) Now I see how you can be on good terms with these -- weaklings!

Goku: Listen! This is my home, and these are my friends, so it doesn't matter what you say I am! You don't act like any brother I'd want to have. (He and Raditz stare at each other) My name is Goku, and I live here. Now leave us alone!


"This is just so droll..."
Bulma: Yeah, just go.

Roshi: Even if you are brothers, he doesn't have to destroy peaceful planets like you do.

(Raditz looks down, chuckling)

Krillain: He even saved this planet once, mister, so go away.

Raditz (chuckles, then looks up, slyly)

Tom: (British) This is just so droll...
(Raditz approaches Goku)

Raditz: So baby brother wants to be left alone. Well, it's a pity, but I can't allow that. Our home planet Vegeta met with an unfortunate accident.

Mike: Some idiot forgot to set the parking brake
Raditz: Three years ago a giant comet crashed into it, destroying everyone. The entire Saiyan race was destroyed.

(Everyone looks around at each other)

Crow: And this was a bad thing because...?
Raditz: Only four of us were gone when it happened. You're one of the four, Kakarot. You see, you're very valuable to us.

Tom: (as Raditz) You're an endangered species. We need to get you into the Intergalactic Zoo Breeding Program.
Crow: (as surfer-Goku) Cool! I'm outta here!
Radditz: In fact, we could use your help right now, little brother. We've found a choice planet that would go at a premium rate, but the job requires a little extra manpower. That's where you come in. (He leans over Goku) Well, now, what d'ya think? Are you excited? You should be! I've come to take you back into the fold.

(Close up of Gohan clinging to Bulma)

Tom: (as Gohan) I have real feelings for you, Aunt Bulma...
Goku: I've had enough! The answer is no!

Raditz: (smirking) Interesting.

(He looks past Goku at Gohan)

Raditz: A tail.

Tom: (drawling) Kakarott! You sly monkey, you!
Raditz: Now there's a true Saiyan. All right; I'll take the boy instead.

Bulma: (shrieks)

Gohan: No, you won't!

Tom: (as Gohan) I like it here just fine! In fact, really fine!
Goku: We'll see! (Snarling, he sets himself)

Raditz: I see the fire in you, brother. (He holds a hand out) You should come with us! (He closes the hand into a fist) It is in your blood! You love to fight.

Tom: (as Darth Vader) Give in to the dark side, Goku.
Mike: (as Luke) I'll never join you!
Tom: (as Darth) It is your destiny, Goku! Master Roshi never told you what happened to your brother...
(Raditz walks toward Goku)

Gohan: (still being clutched by Bulma) Get 'im, Dad!

Krillain: We're right here with you, Goku!

Goku: Just stay close to Gohan!

(Raditz suddenly blurs out of sight, then rematerializes in Goku's face. He kicks so quickly Goku can't react. Goku goes up in slow motion, is reflected on Master Roshi's sunglasses, then comes down hard on the sand.)

Tom: (speaking in slow motion) Ow -- that -- really -- smarted --
Gohan: (running to his father) Daddy!

(Goku is holding his ribs, moaning)

Crow: Too...many...truffles...
Bulma: Gohan, no!

Raditz: (chuckles, then grabs Gohan by the back of his clothes and holds him up so Goku can see.) Kakarot, listen carefully. I'm taking your kid with me while you think things over. It's high time the boy knew his uncle.

(Goku reaches up toward the camera as Raditz laughs)

Announcer: Next on Dragonball-Z:

ALL: (jumping and looking around) AHHHH!
Announcer: Goku finds an unlikely ally in Piccolo, and together the two face off against Goku's evil brother -- Raditz.

Tom: Who is that? Is that God?
Mike: God's got more important things to do. Maybe it's a moonlighting archangel.
Crow: How do you know God's got...? Mike! You've been looking at that spare copy of God's day planner Gypsy keeps in her room!
Mike: I have not!
(FUNimation logo comes up. Credits start rolling as Mike and the 'Bots exit)

The Arrival of Raditz
(Yeah, I know; too many sounds. But, heck, I like Raditz!)
He's my son.
"He's my son." (27K)
Goku and Gohan on Nimbus
Animinated gif of Goku & Gohan
(2.9 MB)

:
"Has Gohan ever looked
at the moon
when it's full?"
(46K)

Farmer: "I'd better bring my peashooter. (Gulp.)" (32K)
Raditz: "What a fragile breed of people." (27K)

Piccolo: "Maybe you should get glasses for both your eyes." (26K)

Raditz: "You are a very funny man." (26K)

Raditz: "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" (45K)

Raditz: "Goodness! You managed to singe some of my leg hairs." (58K)

Krillain: "Goku babysitting? Well, I'll be darned!" (37K)

Krillain: "You're still one bad dude, Goku!" (35K)

Goku: "I've never felt anything this powerful! And it's a horrible power, too. I'm trembling..." (66K)

Raditz: "What have you been doing here all these years? Your mission was to terminate all lifeforms on this planet. Why haven't you carried it out?" (100K)

Krillain: "I think you've been dipping into the eggnog!" (41K)

Goku: "I'm from outer space?" (66K)

Goku: "You don't act like any brother I'd want to have!" (39K)

Raditz: "Well, now; what d'ya think? Are you excited? You should be..." (100K)

All sounds are in WAV format. Sounds recorded from Funimation's English version of Dragonball Z. Sounds may not be used on other web sites.

Folks have found Dragonballs here since 1/11/99!

[Clayton_n]

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ToT » Humor »Rejected DBZ Movie Titles



Do you ever wonder how some of those DBZ Movie titles were made? I mean, some of them sound downright nutty! "Valiant Fight! Violent Fight!! Super Exciting Fight!!", "The Mischievious Partners! Super Warriors Never Rest!", where do they come up with this stuff!? Well the ToT has found a list (OK, not really) of the rejected DBZ Movie titles! Let's see what could have been seen in theaters and in fansubs everywhere!

Movie

Real DBZ Movie Title

Rejected Titles

1

"Return My Gohan"

English Title: "Dead Zone"

"Underage Drunkenness. Behold Gohan!"

"Garlic Jr. Makes a Mockery of DBZ: Part 1"

"Take the Kid, We Don't Want Him!"

"The Real Reason why you shouldn't give your Children Alcohol at a young age. (From MarioMan)

"Escapees of the AA club!" (From Treebee)

2

"The World’s Strongest Guy"

English Title: "The World's Strongest"

"The Return of That Brain From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

"I'm Too Sexy For Goku's Body"

"Piccolo Gets A Head Piece"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 2"

"Fat Guys, Freezing Guys, and Electric Lizards Special" (From MarioMan)

3

"Super Deciding Battle for the Entire Planet Earth"

English Title: "Tree Of Might"

"Bad Tree! Stuff Goes Wrong When You Don't Celebrate Arbor Day!"

"Goku's Evil Look-Alike With A Tan"

"Hiya-Dragon (Icarus) Is The Strongest!"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 3"

"Tree of Might" oh...whoops. =P

"the Weed Killer!! Big Bad Tree, Goku's evil twin eats fruit, Goku saved the day, what else is new??" (From Treebee)

"Gardening with Turles; how to grow killer trees that can destroy the world" (From Dboki)

4

"Super Saiyajin Son Goku"

English Title: "Lord Slug"

"This Title Is A Lie"

"No Super Saiyajins Here. Go Home"

"Super Duper Mondo Big Namek Guy!"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 4"

"The Worst DBZ Movie"

5

"The Incredible Mightiest vs. Mightiest"

English Title: "The Return of Cooler"

"This Movie Is An Excuse To Make a Relative for Freeza"

"Battle of the Big, Tough Fellas"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 5"

"Freeza's Androgynous Legacy Carries on with his Brother" (From MarioMan)

6

"Clash!! 10,000,000,000 Powerful Warriors"

English Title: "Cooler's Revenge"

"Double the Metal, Double The Fun!"

"The Same Movie as #5, But With Vegeta In It!"

"Return Of The Metal Guy"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 6"

"Vegeta is here! But Freeza's Androgynous Legacy still carries on." (From MarioMan)

7

"Extreme Battle!! The Three Great Super Saiyans"

English Title: "Super Android 13!"

"We're Not The Three Tennors"

"We're Not The Three Amigos"

"The Left-Over Androids"

"Trunks Is In This Movie!"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 7"

"Enter #13, the trucker android" (From Dboki)

8

"Burning Fight: A Close, Intense, Super-Fierce Battle"

"Heeeeeere's Broli!"

"Krillin's Singing, Someone Kill Him"

"DBZ Phonics With Broli"

"Grunt Grunt Grunt"

"Ouch, You Hurt Me"

"Goku Saves Everyone!: Episode 8"

"The Popular Super Gory, Violent, Scary, Steroid induced clad fight extravaganza!" (From MarioMan)

9

"The Galaxy's in Danger! The Super Awesome Guy!"

"Enter Boujack: The Lamest Movie Villian"

"Gohan Is a Bad-donkey. Buy His Action Figure!"

"Goku Doesn't Save Everyone!"

10

"The Dangerous Duo! Super-Warriors Can't Rest"

"Broli's Baaaack!"

"Trunks Takes A Piss"

"Butt Party! Trunks Moons Broli"

"Trunks forgot to go before the fight!" (From Treebee)

11

"Super-Warrior Defeat!! I'm the One Who'll Win"

"Evil, Gloopy Clones Are Naughty!"

"Mr. Satan Is In This Movie. Don't Watch It!"

"The Wonders of Bio-Technology"

"Gold Digger: Starring Juhachigou" (from A Fat Smurf)

12

"Goku and Vegeta! The Rebirth of Fusion"

"Hitler Comes To Town!"

"Vegeta Cries: Get The Kleenex"

"Fighting In Jelly Bean Land"

"Janenba Janenba Janenba!"

"Gogeta Is A Hunk!"

"Hell's Flatulence" (From MarioMan)

"Slim Fast doesn’t work! GOGETA RUN!" (From Treebee)

13

"Dragon Fist Assault! If Goku Can't Do It, Who Can?"

"We're Milking the DBZ Market With Everything We've Got!"

"The Last Movie: Thank God!"

"If Goku Can't Do It....Oh My God, We're Doomed!"

"Trunks Gets His Sword: Or Does He? Doesn't He? Does He?"

"We Messed Up The Trunks Continuity"

"If Goku Can't Do it... Well, Lina Inverse can!" (From MarioMan)

"If I don't make this monster into shish-kabob, who will?" (From Kyle M.)

"It isn't possible for that sword to be the sword Mirai Trunks uses, because Mirai Trunks is from a different timeline, and if anything having to do with Tapion happened in his timeline, he wouldn't have to worry about the androids; but then what if he went back in time to get it; but then he would have had to go before he fought the androids for the last time in his timeline; but at that point the time machine wasn't... ahhh, forget it" (From Kyle M.)

-

Any Movie

"One more movie for FUNimation to screw up" (FromPHMSAX)

"Stuff goes bad, Goku saves everyone" (From Treebee)

[duo02]

Youtube Dragonball z abridged or team four star. Its still going to and its the funniest stuff out there

[Clayton_n]