Revolutionary Girl Utena - Virtual Star Hasseigaku

[EJTranslations]

http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/utena/rgubsh.htm

First, the translit has a couple of errors (though not enough to merit a full re-transliteration):

> Sou, tochi no ko
>Saichou

sou, tochi no ko
seichou

>Aa kudou nari
>Sora, kudou nari

aa kuudou nari
so wa kuudou nari

Then, the translation... well, see, the thing about Utena songs is, they're freakin' weird. Also, very much open to interpretation. So it's a bit hard to draw the line between "this translation is wrong" and "this translation is a very different interpretation from mine". Nevertheless, I feel like the translation currently on the site is flat-out wrong in a couple places and missing nuances in others. See what you think, admin-types.

1. 空気、原子、因果律星

> Air, atom, destiny-star

因果律星 is not a real word, but 因果律 means cause and effect or causality, which is not exactly translatable to "destiny".

I translated this line as "Atmosphere, atom, a star of causality".

2. そう、土地の子
受胎

>Yeah, child of earth
>Conception

The current translation treats both this and the later "そう、土地の子 / 成長" as if the two lines are separate and unrelated, whereas I feel like they're supposed to form a sort of sentence:

"Yes, the child of earth
Is conceived"

and

"Yes, the child of earth
Grows up".

3. 雄蘂　雌蘂　一粒の種子

>Stamen, pistil, a piece of seed

This is just an awkward way to handle counters. 一粒 means "one seed", not "a piece of" anything.

The current translation goes on to render "一つの" as "a kind of" rather than "one", which is not wrong, I suppose, but it does strike me as odd in the absence of any context that would suggest that that's what's meant.

4. 恒星天　原動天

> Fixed star Power star

Given that 原動 refers not just to power in general, but specifically to a "driving force", or the kind of power that makes something move, I'm pretty sure 原動天 is meant as a direct contrast to 恒星天:

"the sphere of fixed stars, the sphere of mobile stars"

(Or the sphere of mobility in general, I suppose, since 星 doesn't appear in 原動天?)

I don't know, I feel like I may be being excessively nitpicky, but... eh, the current translation bothered me enough to put this post out there and get a second opinion on it.

[animeyay]

bluepenguin-san, would you like to give your version of the translation to this song? I'm sure AzureDark-san wouldn't mind, either. I agree, the current translation is of lower-than-average quality; it feels more like a string of words put together with no regard to the overall meaning.

[EJTranslations]

Haha, well, "random words strung together" is sort of the nature of the song, but mine maybe flows a little better. Here it is:

Antiquity, perfection, alone in the desert
Atmosphere, atom, a star of causality

Yes, the child of earth
Is conceived
The embryo of philosophy

Egg, perfection, an origin in a nest
Stamen, pistil, a single seed

Yes, the child of earth
Grows up
The child of philosophy

And then
The sphere of the moon, the sphere of Mercury, the sphere of Venus
The sphere of the sun, the sphere of Mars, the sphere of Jupiter
The sphere of Saturn, the sphere of fixed stars, the sphere of mobile stars

The torus continues into eternity, endlessly

A single organic engine
A single perpetual motion device

Ah, it is empty motion
Yes, it is empty motion

And then
The sphere of the moon, the sphere of Mercury, the sphere of Venus
The sphere of the sun, the sphere of Mars, the sphere of Jupiter
The sphere of Saturn, the sphere of fixed stars, the sphere of mobile stars

The torus continues into eternity, endlessly

A single organic engine
A single perpetual motion device

Ah, it is empty motion
Yes, it is empty motion, motion