Relationships

[brolyx74]

I'm not sure if this is the right area of the forum to ask for advice, but I figured it was miscellaneous enough, so here I go:

I've been dating this girl for over a little over a year. I love her and she tells me I am an amazing boyfriend and that she loves me. I rub her back everyday, always ask her how her day was (not out of obligation, I genuinely care). I listen to everything she says and care a great deal for her. I thought she cared for me too, but recently things started changing.

For the past few months, I'd say since early November, she started being distant. We used to hang out every day until at least 9 o clock, but now I'm lucky to see her 3 times a week, and when I do, she leaves by 6:30. For the past two weeks, she's been hanging out with this other guy. He's a friend of both of ours and he's really nice. he just recently broke up with his girlfriend because she was verbally and physically abusive. I'm not worried that she's cheating on me with him or anything, I trust them both, or I did. Today she told me she wants to go on a break for a few days. She says the week she's had is really hectic and she just needs to rest. Her week was hard because she spent everyday with this other guy and now most of her friends are thinking that she's sleeping around. Given her reactions to the situation, I think their claims are completely warranted. Tonight, right now, she's hanging out with one of her girlfriends and the other guy.

Now, ever since she started getting distant, I started questioning our relationship. She says she loves me, but refuses to really spend time with me, and refuses to touch me or let me touch her. She used to love the time we spent together, but now whenever I try to make advances, she says "why can't you just love me for me" despite the fact she used to beg me to do stuff. If she wanted to go back to taking things slow, i'd be fine with that, but she hasn't told me anything. She never really talks to me now, and when she does, she gets mad at me for feeling upset about how she treats me.

She says she'll be back in my arms on tuesday, Valentine's day, but that she doesn't want to see me until then. Should I be worried?

I'm not sure what she's feeling right now, and she refuses to talk to me about it. I don't thik she's cheating on me, but what do you guys think? I really need to talk about this to people, and maybe figure out what I did wrong if anything, and if I should just give up on the relationship. Please give me some advice.

[blueangel06661]

Weren't you the guy who made that post asking if it was okay to hate your girlfriends family and bashed her mom for reading a silly love note??

Seems like she's getting tired of you hun... My guess is she's going to use you for valentines and end it shortly after. Hence why she isn't bothering spending time until then...

Guess the other guy has got her attention out of pity for him.. And quite frankly I don't feel sorry after all you said about the girls family online. So disrespectful still. < not okay and not forgotten. [rare for me to not forget something on the forums]

[SuXrys]

Im not sure... Perhaps she has started feel insecure about your relationship? You have spent a lot of time together (maybe even too much?). Let her have her break, maybe she just needs some space and time to breath. Sometimes when you have spent too much time with a person then you can (or atleast I) just get this feeling that you really need to get away from it all for a while. So let her have her break, then celibrate valentiens together and after that talk to her (but not during the valentines) about how she feels.

Hope it works out for you guys!

[brolyx74]

This has nothing to do with her family. She's even told me that she is thankful for our relationship because it brought her closer together with her mom (though I still don't see it. I have gotten to become much more accepting to her family and we have worked out all problem's that we had, while she still yells at her mom for every little thing, but that's beside the point). And I'm not sure why she'd be using me for Valentine's Day, considering she told me that she's already bought me over $50 in gifts while I've only been able to afford spending $15 on her. It doesn't make much sense for her to go through all the trouble for a box of chocolates an original short story, and small trinket. I refuse to believe that she's using me. I hope that after Valentine's day, we can talk things over, and hopefully everything will work out well

[Hideki Motosuwa.]

Let her have her break, maybe she just needs some space and time to breath. Sometimes when you have spent too much time with a person then you can (or atleast I) just get this feeling that you really need to get away from it all for a while.

Space? Time to breathe? While she's mingling with another guy? If she needs some space and room to breathe, that's fine, but staying distant, while hanging with another guy? I'd be suspicious myself. Sorry man (broly), but sometimes you've gotta put your foot down and get straight answers from her... after all, she's your other half and shouldn't have anything to hide from you.

[blueangel06661]

Some girls/teens will do anything to not be single on V-day.... They hate it to the max.. V-day was always a scary time... I once had a classmate who had his crush accept to date him right before V-day.. So he bought her roses and chocolates, a big bear and everything... She took them and dumped him on the 15th.. It was quite sad actually..

[Hideki Motosuwa.]

Some girls/teens will do anything to not be single on V-day.... They hate it to the max.. V-day was always a scary time... I once had a classmate who had his crush accept to date him right before V-day.. So he bought her roses and chocolates, a big bear and everything... She took them and dumped him on the 15th.. It was quite sad actually..

That's why I never bothered with stuff like V-day back in my high school days. Even if a girl told me she would go out with me, I would not go out of my way to buy some stuffed bear half the size of me for her, only to find out she'd reject me and leave with it. I may be paranoid and my trust is thin, but hey, it keeps me on guard and not two timed. Then again, I've never had a relationship, and I probably never will, so who am I to say anything in this thread?

[Saeriel]

Some girls/teens will do anything to not be single on V-day.... They hate it to the max.. V-day was always a scary time... I once had a classmate who had his crush accept to date him right before V-day.. So he bought her roses and chocolates, a big bear and everything... She took them and dumped him on the 15th.. It was quite sad actually..

That... is ridiculous. People seriously care about Valentines day o.0? I always thought that was just a myth... Something the telly likes to exaggerate.

Anyway, addressing the actual thread issue... I find it hard to speak considering I don't know the girl or anything really about her, so I can't accurately predict her thinking or actions... Nor do I really know anything about you... However, I will give you my first thoughts on the issue upon reading your post, which is basically in agreement with Blue - that she is becoming bored, or disillusioned toward you. I do not know why one would wait until Valentines Day, however I don't put much stock in that 'holiday' so that perhaps is my own disinterest speaking. I'm assuming of course that she isn't a sadistic psychopath that would find amusement in inflicting emotional pain on Valentines day.

Frankly I would find a non biased third party who knows both of the involved parties, and ask their opinion, rather than asking people who don't know you her why she's doing something.

[Jacob's Ladder]

Ever wonder why the 'other guys' girlfriend was so aggressive towards him? He may come across as nice, to get the pity vote, however he also could have been a complete cheatin dick with his gf. Understanding is a 3-edged sword, and you might want to start looking for the truth before it's too late. I'd start with his ex-gf for more info on him.

[Hideki Motosuwa.]

Ever wonder why the 'other guys' girlfriend was so aggressive towards him? He may come across as nice, to get the pity vote, however he also could have been a complete cheatin dick with his gf. Understanding is a 3-edged sword, and you might want to start looking for the truth before it's too late. I'd start with his ex-gf for more info on him.

Indeed. It's also a good way of digging up some dirt on the guy just in case he does anything funny. Not that that's a good thing, but it can be a bit of insurance.

[Jacob's Ladder]

It's odd how your girlfriend starts behaving so differently, after this guy shows up. You may trust her, but there are red flags being thrown around, you're blinding yourself to them. Hell, I'd sticking my boot so far up the other guys arse he could tie it with his tonsils....just to send the message of, "stay away from my woman".

But, you just keep living in your wonderland.

[sataned]

relationshipizing is stupid! dont even bother everyone. A-sexuality is the way to go.

[SuXrys]

Space? Time to breathe? While she's mingling with another guy? If she needs some space and room to breathe, that's fine, but staying distant, while hanging with another guy? I'd be suspicious myself. Sorry man (broly), but sometimes you've gotta put your foot down and get straight answers from her... after all, she's your other half and shouldn't have anything to hide from you.

As far as we know it he is only a friend.

[Furore]

Could be any number of things really. Hanging out every day can really kill things, most couples need at least a little time apart regularly. Then you get that thing where things can seem magical for a year or two and suddenly the spark is gone for one or both people. The distance may be as she's feeling smothered, or things are moving too fast, or Chuckles is undermining you behind your back (some guys are quite subtle about it and make it seem like none of that's happening.

If you like her enough, try to carry on, sometimes it's just a rough patch, but be ready for the worst, nothing sucks more than getting your hopes up too much and then feeling it like a ton of bricks when excrement hits the fan. Sorry if that seems cold, but it's been my experience that BS advice only serves to screw things up more.

[TheWired]

Turn the tables around on her. Tell HER you've decided you need some space, that you don't feel up to Valentines day this year and that you've got some personal issues to work out before you can continue with a relationship. From this three things could most likely occur:

1) her reaction will tell you much more than if you probe/ask about HER view on you or the guy she's with, etc.
2) she might take the 'opportunity' to finally break things off proper (which you may not like, but at least you won't be led on or dragged in a dying relationship)
3) the common "wait, I was gonna dump HIM, why doesn't he want ME??" reaction could happen where suddenly you are more attractive/interesting because you're not clinging anymore which could rekindle her interest in you.

[Rylingo]

Sounds like you spent to much time with her. You burnt that candle to the end and she is looking to slowly drift appart from you rather than take the honest, direct route and break up.

But meh, what do I know?

[-GAZKUL-]

if in doubt ask her face to face, if she goes red while denying it punch him, if she doesn't then marry her......

[Gauntlgrym]

i'm not really a believer in coincidences.
this other guy breaks up with his gf, and "suddenly" she's acting different with you, and spending time with him......i don't buy it.

[Pancage]

To be honest I think that breaks are stupid, if people both love each other equally there is no need to be on a break and you might as well split up. In your case it sounds like you love her more than she loves you, I think you should recognise these bad signs such as her rejecting your advances and spending her time with another guy and either finish with her or wait for her to finish with you. 'Cause it sounds like the only reason she would spend $50 on you for Valentines Day is because of guilt. I mean if my boyfriend chose to spend time with another girl instead of me it would be a pretty obvious sign that he is losing interest.
That's just how I see it.

[blueangel06661]

To be honest I think that breaks are stupid, if people both love each other equally there is no need to be on a break and you might as well split up. In your case it sounds like you love her more than she loves you, I think you should recognise these bad signs such as her rejecting your advances and spending her time with another guy and either finish with her or wait for her to finish with you. 'Cause it sounds like the only reason she would spend $50 on you for Valentines Day is because of guilt. I mean if my boyfriend chose to spend time with another girl instead of me it would be a pretty obvious sign that he is losing interest.
That's just how I see it.

^^ This.. And unless you've seen it, she could've just said she spent $50 and in reality not. Just to make you feel like you NEED to get her SOMETHING..anything.. now... Lol I love my boyfriend so he isn't getting anything really.. We're actually not even going to spend it together.. for a second year in a row... Pointless holiday is pointless... ^___^

But seriously you got some major red flags there.. I'd be curious about guy #2.. Seems like he has her attention.. Naturally it's a girls instinct to baby a guy who we know just had a rough relationship or something.. And that leads to the girl falling for him somewhat.. Like my best friend has a total B for an unfaithful gf.. So bad I don't even want to be friends with him.. But I can't dump him since I know he's going to come running to me when she cheats on him.. or when she lies about being on birth control.. He comes to whine about once per month.. So far they've been together two months.. Wonder what this month will bring

[illu]

V-day... right.....>.> Anyways, don't be such a downer if you do end up breaking up. There are only how many females in the world? You still got your life ahead of you, enjoy it.

[wolfgirl90]

*sigh* Let's see...

As always, I look at both sides. She might be giving you the run-around and you have trust issues. That's the simplified version of it.

In my opinion, "breaks" are okay if the relationship is a little strained or if one person needs more personal time for whatever reason. However, I don't think that communication should ever stop during a break, because at that point, either the relationship is over or its on that path.

In your case, you both are messing up. Considering the fact that you are her boyfriend, aside from her family and very close friends, she should be confiding in you (or at least, be able to). Things may have been hectic, but since you have always been there for her, it would make since for her to lean on you for support, not walk away from your relationship. Like I said earlier, its one thing to turn down the heat a little bit and another thing to stop talking to somebody. Pushing you away isn't helping your relationship and I'm surprised that she would tell you that she would be in your arms tomorrow as if it would be that easy after the crap that she has been pulling. She's been ignoring you, yet she's offended that you would be upset about it. Apparently, sensitivity isn't her strong suit.

Of course, you're not completely innocent here. You have what I affectionately call "InuYasha Syndrome"; you claim to have trusted your girlfriend and the other guy, but it didn't take you long to distrust her and question your relationship.

 

For those who are unfamiliar, in "InuYasha", the titular character falls in love with a woman named Kikyo. They spent a lot of time together and trusted each other. However, when the villain Naraku wanted to pit the two against each other, he didn't have to try too hard, and they both ended up distrusting each other almost immediately, without even questioning the other's actions.

The only thing that you apparently know about the two is they are hanging out with each other, but you were willing to accept the claims from her friends that she might be sleeping around. Huh? What makes you say that? She's being a jerk (can't use the actual word) and she's hanging out with one of your friends. Is she cheating on you? Kinda hard to tell with this. Its a bit unsettling, sure, but not evidence of cheating.

What the both of you need to do is talk to each other about the status of your relationship. Unless she brings up the other guy, leave him out of it; he's really got nothing to do with this (as I said, based on what you have said, it doesn't look like cheating and he'll probably be confused as hell about the accusation). Her actions and your lack of trust based on those actions are the issues here. She takes a break and leaves you out of the loop, both emotionally and physically, and wonders why you are upset. That's called taking you for granted. Most girls would just LOVE to have a constant shoulder to cry on, but when you move in, she backs away. But at the same time, those actions mean that she doesn't know what she has (or had), not that she's sleeping around, yet you said that her friends' claims were warranted.

She needs to tell you what's going on because that's ultimately what's fueling her actions and those actions are fueling your uneasiness and distrust. She can't keep pushing you away and not talking to you. Communication is the backbone of a relationship, but if she refuses to talk you (or even listen), she's straining the hell out of your relationship (hell, if she was more receptive to your feelings, I bet you wouldn't be accusing her of cheating). You need to try to work this out, but if she won't budge, you've got plenty of curbs to kick her out on.

[Acnologia]

It could be a number of things, but I agree with others that the best option is to talk to her about how you feel.

I'd be careful about bringing up this other guy though, a lot of girls get defensive about it. Though to be honest, it seems like she's gained an interest in this other guy :/

[Matty]

Well you heard whatcha gotta do! Talk it out; it's scary, I know; the relationship could very well end. But you don't want to be strung along.... well at least I hope you don't; and with a year already invested, do you really wanna go for another one and still feel this way? Talk to her, and if that doesn't work, talk to some of your girlfriends friends and see if she told them anything about how she feels about the relationship. But I would do this ASAP!

^^ This.. And unless you've seen it, she could've just said she spent $50 and in reality not. Just to make you feel like you NEED to get her SOMETHING..anything.. now... Lol I love my boyfriend so he isn't getting anything really.. We're actually not even going to spend it together.. for a second year in a row... Pointless holiday is pointless... ^___^

Me too; both me and my girlfriend are working seperate shifts on valentines. I think I'll get to see her for about an hour and a half.... gotta make it count! ^^
And if valentines has this much hype over it... why isn't it a statatory holiday????

[-RukiaKuchiki-]

It could be a number of things, but I agree with others that the best option is to talk to her about how you feel.

I'd be careful about bringing up this other guy though, a lot of girls get defensive about it. Though to be honest, it seems like she's gained an interest in this other guy :/

i may have never had a bf before but i agree with avido alot of us girls do get defensive about things like that plus i have been asked questions about my friends from their bf's about how they feel about them