Eien no Aselia

[tonberryking]

Some friends told me I should just post what I have anyway even if there is another copy translated on the internet because it could always be wrong. So, here we go. I'm mostly looking for how to convey it better. I'm not very creative. Please check the grammar and translation. Thanks!

紫に煙る　街を見下ろしながら
幾千もの雨音に誓う
While overlooking the smoldering town,
I swear to the thousands
of raindrops.


薄紅に染まる　頬をやさしく撫でて
繋いだ手は離さないで
You gently brush my cheek
dyed in a light crimson.
Please don't let go of my hand.


熱くこの胸に響く　見果てぬ願いは
姿を変えて　時の流れを越えて降り注ぐ
The unfinished wishes pulsate warmly in my heart.
Their figure changes as the flow of time exceedingly downpours.


抑えても抑えきれない
揺れるこの想いは
止めどなく寄せる波のよう
Even if I suppress them, I cannot suppress the sway of emotions
which endlessly attack like a wave.



閉ざしても閉ざし切れない
揺れるこの瞳は
巡りゆく戸惑いの中で
何を見つめるの
Even if I shut them, these trembling eyes can't be shut.
What are you gazing at among the circling
bewilderment?


崩れ落ちてゆく　砂の器のように
満たされずに想いだけつのる
Like a jar made of sand, it crumbles.
So to not fill it up, I invite only feelings.

こぼれ落ちてゆく　それがさだめのように
指の隙間すり抜けてく
Such is the fate of it to shatter.
I fill the gaps with my fingers.


紅くその腕に刻む　儚き願いは
夜空を照らす光と影に飲み込まれてゆく
The transient wishes which carve my crimson arms
are swallowed by the light and shadow shining in the night sky.


伝えても伝えきれない
けがれ無き言葉は
限りある地平をさまよう
Even if I convey them, it is too much to.
Words lacking impurity
that roam the finite earth.


数えても数えきれない
結ばれぬ糸目を
限りある永遠の中で
探し続けるの
Even if I count them, there are too many.
I continue to search for unbound
threads within the finite infinity.


抑えても抑えきれない
揺れるこの想いは
止めどなく寄せる波のよう
Even if I suppress them, I cannot suppress the sway of emotions
that endlessly attack like a wave.

閉ざしても閉ざし切れない
揺れるこの瞳は
巡りゆく戸惑いの中で
何を見つめるの
Even if I shut them, these trembling eyes can't be shut.
What are you gazing at among the circling
bewilderment?

[AzureDark]

Been looking to do this myself, but the grammar bites me. I'm sure you can handle it better, being the more experienced.

>熱くこの胸に響く　見果てぬ願いは
>姿を変えて　時の流れを越えて降り注ぐ
>The unfinished wishes pulsate warmly in my heart.
>Their figure changes as the flow of time exceedingly downpours.
In the last part the subject is still "the wishes". I love how you broke the sentence into two though.

>閉ざしても閉ざし切れない
>揺れるこの瞳は
>巡りゆく戸惑いの中で
>何を見つめるの
>Even if I shut them, these trembling eyes can't be shut.
>What are you gazing at among the circling
>bewilderment?
"The eyes that gaze" are still the ones described before. Yes the singer's asking herself what she's seeing...

>崩れ落ちてゆく　砂の器のように
>満たされずに想いだけつのる
>Like a jar made of sand, it crumbles.
>So to not fill it up, I invite only feelings.
>こぼれ落ちてゆく　それがさだめのように
>指の隙間すり抜けてく
>Such is the fate of it to shatter.
>I fill the gaps with my fingers.
It's one whole part together, describing _something_ which isn't explicitly stated and is left for us to interpret. She (the singer)'s holding that _something_ which is like a fleeting Suna no Utsuwa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Castle_of_Sand), crumbling and seeping through her fingers. The second line means that the _something_ is in an inadequate, helpless state.
Like a (miniature) castle of sand that is falling apart
Its incompleteness only harbours my feelings
Slipping through my fingers
As if it was already destined to crumble away


>紅くその腕に刻む　儚き願いは
>夜空を照らす光と影に飲み込まれてゆく
>The transient wishes which carve my crimson arms
>are swallowed by the light and shadow shining in the night sky.
"Which is carved" since the auxiliary sentence is now a descriptor. The light and shadow "shines the night sky" too. From there you can deduce how awesome this line is.
The fleeting wishes carved red on my hands
Are being swallowed by the light and shadow that shines the night sky

[tonberryking]

Been looking to do this myself, but the grammar bites me. I'm sure you can handle it better, being the more experienced.

Not at all. I have a long way to go. Thanks for taking the time to look over it. Definitely learned a few things.

[EJTranslations]

>姿を変えて　時の流れを越えて降り注ぐ

It's the wishes here that cross/overcome the flow of time and rain down, rather than the flow of time being the subject.

>揺れるこの想い

I would translate this as "these trembling emotions" or something along those lines -- the way you do in the next stanza, in fact.

>among the circling bewilderment?

This is a terrible nitpick and I apologize, but I'd use "amidst" here". You only use "among" for count nouns (and only when there's more than two of them). Bewilderment can't be counted, so you can't use "among". /English teacher mode

>満たされずに想いだけつのる

You've translated "されずに" as if it's "されずように" "X されずに" is just "without doing X." I would also use the increase/grow worse sense of つのる and the "fulfill/satisfy" sense of 満たす -- though obviously there is a bit of a double meaning going on with the jar simile in the previous line. Basically, I'd read this as "Without ever being fulfilled, my feelings only grow stronger" or something like that.

>こぼれ落ちてゆく　それがさだめのように
指の隙間すり抜けてく

こぼれ落ちる is "to spill over". すり抜く is "to slip through." I'd translate these lines as "It overflows, as if that is its destiny, and slips through the gaps between my fingers."

>Words lacking impurity
What about just "pure words" or something like that?

That's all I've got for now. Sorry if it's a little disorganized, it's rather late at night.

[tonberryking]

>姿を変えて　時の流れを越えて降り注ぐ

But the wishes are still the subject in the second sentence too. I only broke it up into two sentence. But still, isn't it time that is doing the 越えて降り注ぐing while the form of the wishes changes?

>揺れるこの想い
I dunno. I used trembling to describe the eyes so I thought it would be a little redundant.

>among the circling bewilderment?

I'm not an English major.

The next two points. I dunno, I had a little trouble with those lines. They made more sense to me after AzureDark corrected/explained them. I can see where you're coming from as well. Did you check what he wrote?

>Words lacking impurity

This is more true to the Japanese lyrics though. Also, pure words sounded stupid to me.

[AzureDark]

I'm guessing penguin didn't read the revision you've already put up here (http://www.animelyrics.com/game/aselia/eiennoaselia.htm). Anyway if there's anything else to change, just either edit the post above or get the full revised text up on a new reply and I'll replace them.

[EJTranslations]

Oh, oops, sorry -- didn't occur to me to check the site to see if it was up yet. Don't mind me, then.