Sound Horizon - ERU no Shouzou

[EJTranslations]

Haven't submitted the last one yet (I admit I'm kind of waiting for Datenshi to show up, since he usually points out huge errors that I haven't noticed and then if the song's on the site already I have to PM Azu and make him fix it), but here's the next Sound Horizon song, anyway. 寝不足ですから、たくさんの間違いがあるはず。　(There are probably some in that sentence, too. I don't even know why I felt the need to say it in Japanese, except that I sort of like the word 寝不足.)

白い結晶の宝石は　風を纏って踊る
樹氷の円舞曲　遠く朽ちた楽園

shiroi kesshou no houseki wa kaze o matotte odoru
juhyou no enbukyoku tooku kuchita rakuen

The white crystal gem dances, clad in the wind
The waltz of frozen trees, the distant rotted Paradise

黒い瞳孔の少年は　風を掃って通る
樹氷の並木道　深い森の廃屋

kuroi doukou [me] no shounen wa kaze o hatte tooru
juhyou no namikimichi fukai mori no haioku

The black-eyed boy passes by, sweeping up the wind
The path lined by frozen trees, an abandoned house deep within the forest

少年が見つけた　少女の肖像画
『彼』は病的に白い　『彼女』に恋をしてしまった...

shounen ga mitsuketa shoujo no shouzouga
"kare" wa byouteki ni shiroi "kanojo" ni koi o shite shimatta

The boy found the girl's portrait
"He" fell in love with "her," the abnormally pale girl

幼い筆跡の署名　妙に歪な題名は
【最愛の娘エリスの８つの誕生日に...】

osanai hisseki no shomei [SAIN] myou ni ibitsu na daimei [TAITORU] wa
"saiai no musume ERISU no yattsu no tanjoubi ni..."

The signature in childish handwriting, the strangely warped title was
"To my beloved daughter Elyse on her eighth birthday..."

退廃へと至る幻想　背徳を紡ぎ続ける恋物語
痛みを抱く為に生まれてくる　哀しみ
第四の地平線――その楽園の名は『ELYSION』

taihai [DEKADANSU] e to itaru gensou haitoku wo tsumugitsudzukeru koimonogatari [ROMANSU]
itami o daku tame ni umarete kuru kanashimi
daiyon no chiheisen -- sono rakuen no na wa "ELYSION"

An illusion that leads to decadence, a romance that continues to weave corruption
The sadness of being born to embrace pain
The fourth horizon -- that Paradise's name is "Elysion"

――そして...幾度目かの楽園の扉が開かれる・・・・・・

-- Soshite... ikudomeka no rakuen no tobira ga hirakareru...

-- And then... how many times was the door to Paradise opened?

やがて少年は彼の《理想》を求めるだろう...
やがて少年は彼の《鍵穴》を見つけるだろう...
やがて少年は彼の《楽園》を求めるだろう...
やがて少年は彼の《少女》を見つけるだろう...

yagate shounen wa kare no <risou> [ERU] o motomeru darou...
yagate shounen wa kare no <kagiana> [ERU] o mitsukeru darou...
yagate shounen wa kare no <rakuen> [ERU] o motomeru darou...
yagate shounen wa kare no <shoujo> [ERU] o mitsukeru darou...

Soon the boy will search for his ideal [El] [1]
Soon the boy will find his keyhole [El]
Soon the boy will search for his Paradise [El]
Soon the boy will find the girl [El]

娘もまた母になり　娘を産むのならば
楽園を失った原罪を　永遠に繰り返す・・・・・・

musume mo mata haha ni nari musume o umu no naraba
rakuen o ushinatta genzai [tsumi] o eien ni kurikaesu...

If a daughter becomes a mother and gives birth to a daughter of her own
She repeats forever the original sin which lost Paradise

始まりの扉と　終わりの扉の狭間で
惹かれ合う『E』と『A』――愛憎の肖像

hajimari no tobira to owari no tobira no hazama de
hikareau "E" [ERU] to "A" [ABISU] -- aizou no shouzou

In the space between the door of beginnings and the door of endings
"E" [El] and "A" [Abyss] attract each other -- the portrait of love and hate

禁断に手を染め　幾度も恋に堕ちてゆく
求め合う『E』と『A』――愛憎の肖像

kindan ni te o some ikudomo koi ni ochite yuku
motomeau "E" [EVA] to "A" [ADAMU] -- aizou no shouzou

Hands stained with sin, they fall in love many times [2]
"E" [Eve] and "A" [Adam] desire each other -- the portrait of love and hate

やがて少年は♂の為に自らを殺し　少女は♀の為に自らを殺す
時の荒野を彷徨う罪人達は　其処にどんな楽園を築くのだろうか？

yagate shounen wa ♂ [otoko] no tame ni mizukara o koroshi shoujo wa ♀ [onna] no tame ni mizukara o korosu
toki no kouya o houkou tsumibito-tachi wa soko ni donna rakuen o kizuku no darou ka?

Soon the boy will kill himself for the sake of a man, and the girl will kill herself for the sake of a woman [3]
These sinners wandering through the wilderness of time, what kind of Paradise are they building there?

――幾度となく『E』が魅せる幻影　それは失ったはずの『E』の面影
嗚呼...その美しき不毛の世界は　幾つの幻想を疾らせてゆくのだろう――

-- ikudotonaku "E" [ERYUSHION] ga miserareru gen'ei sore wa ushinatta hazu no "E" [EDEN] no omokage
aa... sono utsukushiki fumou no sekai wa ikutsu no gensou o hashirasete yuku no darou

-- The vision that Elysion shows many times is the form of an Eden which should have been lost
Ah... how many illusions will that beautiful, barren land send forth?

[1] Anyone who cares enough to pay attention may notice that I've switched from "Elle" to "El" for the romanization of this character's name. Previously I was trying for a romanization that would make it an actual name, but I'd failed to realize that (a) "El" was the official romanization as per the PV for ERU no Rakuen [side:A], and (b) that it was actually a nickname. I've romanized her full name as "Elyse" rather than "Elise" to strengthen the reference to Elysion (and because I have seen the name spelled that way), though for all I know there might be an official spelling for that too. Haven't found one though.

[2] I don't know what to do with 禁断に here. I mean, I think I know what it means, but I can't seem to render it in English.

[3] Not sure about this line.

[Datenshi]

僕も寝不足です。というより、いくら寝ても眠い…

However, I love this song, and I have no qualms with most of your translation of it, except a few minor points on the wording.

>幼い筆跡の署名　妙に歪な題名は
>The signature in young handwriting, the strangely warped title was

"Young" doesn't seem to quite include 幼い. Perhaps "childish handwriting", or "clumsy handwriting"?


>退廃へと至る幻想
>An illusion that approaches decadence

至る to me stresses strongly the existence of a final goal (in this case, "decadence"). Personally, I would use either "leads to decadence", or "arrives at decadence".


>惹かれ合う『E』と『A』――愛憎の肖像
>"E" [El] and "A" [Abyss] draw each other closer -- the portrait of love and hate

惹かれる is usually used in the context of a spiritual attraction (i.e. love).

-> "E" [El] and "A" [Abyss] attract each other -- the portrait of love and hate


>禁断に手を染め　幾度も恋に堕ちてゆく
>Hands stained with sin, they fall in love many times [2]

I agree that "sin" is most likely the best choice here. An alternative is "taboo", but it doesn't sound well to my ears.


>求め合う『E』と『A』――愛憎の肖像
>"E" [Eve] and "A" [Adam] search for each other -- the portrait of love and hate

Usually, the phrase 求め合う heavily implies attraction of a sexual nature.

-> "E" [Eve] and "A" [Adam] desire for each other -- the portrait of love and hate


>やがて少年は♂の為に自らを殺し　少女は♀の為に自らを殺す
>Soon the boy will kill himself because he is a man, and the girl will kill herself because she is a woman [3]

The exact meaning of the line in it's original Japanese seems to be under considerable debate, and I've never thought to see it the way you've worded it; it's plausible.

Literally, the line reads: "Soon the boy will kill himself for [a] man, and the girl will kill herself for [a] woman". Speaking of myself, I've always thought of it as an allusion to the Oedipus Complex, where the son must conquer his father in order to acheive romance with his mother.

However, again, as it stands there seems to be no "correct" way to read the line, so I say go ahead with what feels right to you.


>時の荒野を彷徨う罪人達は　其処にどんな楽園を築くのだろうか？
>What kind of Paradise are they building, these sinners wandering through the wilderness of time?

Look how 其処に (there) is referring to 「時の荒野」. Should be

-> These sinners wandering through the wilderness of time, what kind of Paradise are they building there?


>嗚呼...その美しき不毛の世界は　幾つの幻想を疾らせてゆくのだろう――
>Ah... that beautiful, barren land sends forth countless illusions

You missed the interrogative here (幾つの～だろう――)

-> Ah... how many illusions will that beautiful, barren land send forth [?]


Thank you for these translations, I'm really enjoying your Sound Horizon work. On that note, おやすみなさい…

[EJTranslations]

You're welcome! I enjoy it too, even when it makes me want to tear my hair out. (I seem to be improving with the practice, at least.)

And thank you, yet again, for your help!