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lumine
03-16-2009, 10:04 PM
I'm not sure this is right.
The lyrics make sense for the character, but... Eh.
I marked the things I am most concerned about, but I'm sure there are lots of other problems. Uh, thanks!

神からのお告げなのかその行いの意味
そうすればどんな夢でも
叶うというのがんだーら

Kami kara no otsuge na no ka sono okonai no imi
Sou sureba donna yume demo
Kanau toiu no gandaara

Is what you are doing part of a divine prophecy?
If we can follow what she does,
Even our dreams will come true. Gandhara (1)


星形の可愛い彫刻を配って歩く
背格好も仕草も愛らしいと評判のお嬢様

Hoshigata no kawaii choukoku wo kubatte aruku
Sekkakou mo shigusa mo airashii to hyouban no ojousama

The renowned young lady, with her charming aura,(2)
Walks about, handing out cute, star-shaped carvings

だけどそのやり方はいささか強引
ステップインして切り込んでく
ヒット&アウェイで

Dakedo sono yarikata wa isasaka gouin
SUTEPPUIN shite kirikonde ku
HITTO and AWEI de

However, her methods are a bit forceful
Step in and attack
Strike & run away (3)

受け取ったならばそれが最後
もう返却は受けつけませんので
風のように去ったよ
大切なことを忘れてませんか?

Uketotta naraba sore ga saigo
Mou henkyaku wa uketsukemasen no de
Kaze no youni satta yo
Taisetsu na koto wo wasuretemasenka?

If you accept it, that's the end
She won't take it back
She has already disappeared like the wind
Isn't she forgetting something important?

いい忘れていたことがことがありましたと少女
大あわて 戻ってくるその途中で人にぶつかる

Ii wasurete ita koto ga koto ga arimashita to shoujo
Ooawate modotte kuru sono tochuu de hito ni butsukaru

The girl returned in a panic, to say what she had forgotten
She crashed into someone on her way back

込み入った階段で将棋倒し
ステップインして謝っとけ
ヒット&アウェイで

Komiitta kaidan de shougidaoshi
SUTEPPUIN shite ayamattoke
HITTO and AWEI de

One by one they fell down the crowded stairs
Step in and apologize
Strike & run away

ドタバタ続きの毎日と
少女の話の ラストはどうあれ

DOTABATA tsudzuki no mainichi to
Shoujo no hanashi no RASUTO wa dou are

The shenanigans continued everyday,
Without heed to the end of the girl's story

頑張ってきたこと 無意味には
ならないはず 届くといい 

Ganbatte kita koto muimi niwa
Naranai hazu todoku to ii

Her efforts were not in vain
And she was able to reach her goal

いつの日か忘れてゆく想いは 時のさだめ
それにも 逆らえるなら
想像するよ 君といた日を

Itsu no hi ka wasurete yuku omoi wa toki no sadame
Sore nimo sakarae nara
Souzou suru yo kimi to ita hi wo

Our feelings are fated to be forgotten one day,
Even if we can go against it,
The only way to be with you is in fantasy

(1) I really don't know. I remembered that one person had translated it as "Gandhara", which is... An ancient Indian kingdom (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gandhara)? Whatever the case, I'm not getting it. :/

(2) I couldn't think of a better way to word it, and this is no good.
(2-edit) Aura means both appearance and mannerisms, right? I thought of "carriage", but does anyone (that isn't me) use that word in regards to people anymore?

(3) Does this sound alright? I'm not sure what was supposed to be conveyed in the original lyrics here, so...

(4) I'm not sure about this at all.
(4-edit) Aha!

(5) Also sounds bad, to me.
(5-edit) Maybe I just like the word 'shenanigans', but I think it fits better than 'commotion', really.

(6) This sounds too depressing, but I don't know if it is lyrical dissonance or my own misinterpretation.
(6-edit) Misinterpretations away!

bluepenguin
03-17-2009, 01:05 PM
>Daisetsu
Should be "taisetsu."

>She has already disappeared with the wind
"風のように" is "like the wind," not "with the wind"; maybe you were taking poetic license, in which case never mind, but I think the connotation's a little different.

>for the thing she had forgotten
She's going back because there's something she's forgotten to say. It's confusing because it's in hiragana, but the いい on the beginning is from 言う.

>Shoujo no hanashi no RASUTO wa dou are
ALC gives the meaning of "~はどうあれ" as "without concern for~" -- so "without concern for the end of the girl's story"? "Without thinking of the end of the girl's story"?

>Ganbatte kita koto muimi niwa
Naranai hazu todoku to ii

I think this is meant to be parsed as "[ganbatte kita koto muimi ni wa naranai hazu] [todoku to ii]," rather than assuming that the thought ends where the line ends. Thus it's saying that her efforts won't become meaningless.

Overall, I think your translation's very good, though (it certainly has fewer errors than most of my first drafts!). And on a complete side note, your avatar's cute - is that Sara from Ever17?

lumine
03-18-2009, 07:39 PM
>Daisetsu
Should be "taisetsu."
Oops. Thanks. For some reason my brain defaults to "dai". Must be more careful in future.

>She has already disappeared with the wind
"風のように" is "like the wind," not "with the wind"; maybe you were taking poetic license, in which case never mind, but I think the connotation's a little different.
It was poetic license that I kept changing back and forth, haha. "Like" is probably better, though. (:

>for the thing she had forgotten
She's going back because there's something she's forgotten to say. It's confusing because it's in hiragana, but the いい on the beginning is from 言う.
Oops. That makes sense. I need to be more careful about compound word-type things.

>Shoujo no hanashi no RASUTO wa dou are
ALC gives the meaning of "~はどうあれ" as "without concern for~" -- so "without concern for the end of the girl's story"? "Without thinking of the end of the girl's story"?
That's basically what I meant, but I wasn't sure enough to word it any less vaguely. Soooo thanks!

>Ganbatte kita koto muimi niwa
Naranai hazu todoku to ii

I think this is meant to be parsed as "[ganbatte kita koto muimi ni wa naranai hazu] [todoku to ii]," rather than assuming that the thought ends where the line ends. Thus it's saying that her efforts won't become meaningless.
That makes a lot more sense! Thanks thanks thanks.

Overall, I think your translation's very good, though (it certainly has fewer errors than most of my first drafts!).
Thanks! Though to be fair, it was more of a 1.5th draft.

And on a complete side note, your avatar's cute - is that Sara from Ever17?
It sure is! (: