Chao Tokyo Translation

[kajigoddess]

Well, since this is my first translation that will ever be posted on the site, I figured that I should probably ask you guys if this translation seems right or if I missed something important or if there is a way to make it flow better before I put it up. So, here goes nothing...I particularly hope that さみしがり is translated correctly.

Chao Tokyo 小さなアパートに軽く手を振る
Chao Tokyo 私だけのお城よ　さよなら

Chao Tokyo I lightly waved my hand at the small apartment
Chao Tokyo It was a castle just for me… Goodbye...

駅のホームにはさみしがりの旅人どうし
古いキズを見せ合って
あなたを待ってたポケットのカギはもう捨てて
ひとり夢をだいていたい

On the station platform there was a lonely-feeling fellow traveler
We showed each other our old keys;
The pocket key you had waited for has already been thrown away
I want to keep embracing my single dream

上目使いに見てた人波　今になって
やさしさを感じるよ　不思議ね　Chao Tokyo

At the point when I looked up, I saw a sea of humanity. Now it happens;
I feel the kindness… It’s such a mystery… Chao Tokyo

Chao Tokyo 初めて来た時よりもこの街は
Chao Tokyo 出て行く方が勇気がいるのね　さよなら

Chao Tokyo The first time I came to this town was worse
Chao Tokyo To leave is better; you have courage, right? Goodbye…

涙で歩いた地下道の隅で聴いた唄
いつか聴いた子守歌
だれもが独りを感じてる
ここもまだまだ信じられることばかり

I walked with tears; at the corner of the underground tunnel I heard a song:
A lullaby I heard some time ago
Everyone experiences it alone
Here there is still much more you can believe in

守り合ってた不安な恋から　いつの日にか
自分で笑うことを覚えた　Chao Tokyo さよなら

Because of the shared protection of an insecure love, it was one of those days
I remembered to laugh with myself Chao Tokyo Goodbye...

愛を見つけられたら　この街へともう一度帰りたい
If I can find love, I want to go towards this town and return once more

Chao Tokyo 握りしめすぎてしなったキップと
Chao Tokyo 見送りは七色イルミネーション

Chao Tokyo I didn’t grip the ticket too much and
Chao Tokyo the send-off was a seven-colored illumination

Chao Tokyo Oh Tokyo いつまでも照らし続けてね
Chao Tokyo Chao Tokyo 私のお城よ　さよなら

Chao Tokyo Oh Tokyo, won’t you continue to shine on forever?
Chao Tokyo Chao Tokyo It was my castle... Goodbye...

[Datenshi]

Overall I think you did a very competent job, especially since this must have been a very tricky song to translate. I'll just point out a few nitpicks.



駅のホームにはさみしがりの旅人どうし
古いキズを見せ合って
On the station platform there was a lonely-feeling fellow traveler
We showed each other our old keys;

First, this is a nitpick if there ever was one, but I feel the phrase 「旅人どうし」 isn't adequately reflected in your translation. 「～どうし」 means "as fellow ~ ", and in this case links to the line below, i.e. "as fellow travellers, we showed each other~". Second, キズ is 傷, for "wound", not "keys".
-> "On the station platform, as fellow lonely-feeling travelers,
We showed each other our old wounds"



あなたを待ってたポケットのカギはもう捨てて
ひとり夢をだいていたい
The pocket key you had waited for has already been thrown away
I want to keep embracing my single dream

Note that the line reads 「あなたを待ってた」, not 「あなたが待ってた」. The あなた here is not the one doing the waiting ("the pocket key you had waited for..."), but rather, is the one being waited for. Also note that 「もう捨てて」 is not in past tense, but is rather expressing a future desire and connected to the line below　(i.e. 「あなたを待ってたポケットのカギはもう捨てて + ひとり夢をだいて + いたい」). That is, the 「～ていたい」 ("I want to") refers to both 「あなたを～捨てて」 and 「ひとり夢をだいて」.
-> "I want to throw away the pocket key that has waited for you,
and keep embracing my single dream"


上目使いに見てた人波　今になって
やさしさを感じるよ　不思議ね　Chao Tokyo
At the point when I looked up, I saw a sea of humanity. Now it happens;
I feel the kindness… It’s such a mystery… Chao Tokyo
上目使い -> "to cast an upwards glance/to look up from below"

上目使いに見てた人波
->"Looking up from below I saw a sea of humanity..."


Chao Tokyo 握りしめすぎてしなったキップと
Chao Tokyo I didn’t grip the ticket too much and
しなった -> to be bent

握りしめすぎてしなったキップ...
-> "the ticket I gripped too much and/I bent..."

Hope that helps.

[kajigoddess]

Thank you very much for the help. ^_^ I didn't even look closely at the あなたを～もう捨てて　verse. It will teach me to look more closely at verses next time, and I have revised it based off of your suggestions.