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jakiro
04-14-2008, 03:54 PM
http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/doraemon/bokutachi.htm





Romaji lyric line 9:
te to te wo tsunai de tsukurou yo
I think it is better to write tsunaide together as a word
te to te wo tsunaide tsukurou yo





Translation correction:



Current version:

(TV version)


Look look all the flowers, grass and trees.
They have said "Good morning" to us.
Let us skip through all the plants and sing a song:
"lalalalan,lalalalan la"

We are the earth people,
In this big universe, our little planet,
Let us make a dream world filled with smiles and green,
Hand in Hand, we'll probably make it come true.

We are the earth people,
Today, tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow,
The dream town of all knowing
power probably will be made together.





My suggested correction:

hey look there, all the flowers, grass and trees,
they are greeting us "good morning", (1)
so let's skip through all the plants, (2)
and sing a song "lalala lanla lalala lanla".

we are the earth people,
at a little star in this big universe, (3)
a dream country full of smiles, (4)
let's join our hands together and make it comes true. (5)

hey listen there, the river's stream, (0)
they are chatting with the birds,
so let's whistle,
and chat "pipipi pippi pipipi pippi".

we are the earth people,
today, tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow,
the dream town of full of greens, (6)
let's put our efforts together and make it comes true. (7)





Notes:
(0) added translation for full version.
(1) current version says "they have said good morning to us", but shiteru means are doing ..., not have done ..., and i think it is better to use the word greet(aisatsu) instead of say.
(2) not important but i think it looks nicer this way. added so(dakara).
(3) the song says "ookina uchuu no chiisana hoshi ni", so i add "at". as far as i know hoshi means star, not planet.
(4) current version says "filled with smiles and greens", but after i listen to the song, both tv ending version and full version only says egao(smiles), not "smiles and greens" as in current version. used country(kuni) instead of world.
(5) current version says "we'll probably make it come true", but tsukurou means let's create it, and not probably we can create it. used "make it comes true", stick to current translation and "a dream country full of dream, let's make it comes true" does sound better than "a dream country full of smiles, let's create it."
(6) same as note (4), the song says midori(greens) and not "all knowing" as in current version. not sure whether i should use greens or greeneries.
(7) same as note (5).

Edit: changed "let us" --> "let's"


____________________________
Jakiro the Twin Head Dragon

AzureDark
04-14-2008, 09:20 PM
I wasn't the one who put this one up but I'd reject this because they didn't follow the alignment.

3) I say "on".

4 6) The submitter combined the "green" in the second chorus here I guess.

5 7) They also confused -sou form with -ou form.

Just gimme your final draft when you're ready.