Ikeda Ayako - Prism (Dennou Coil OP) - Translation help wanted

[deltafour]

Hello to all -- I am a long-time consumer of animelyrics.com, and I'm finally getting around to perhaps helping out a bit with my meager Japanese ability. よろしくお願いします。

I'm working on the Dennou Coil OP and ED at the moment, and would like suggestions/critiques on my translation. Below is "Prism".

From the lyric sheet:

誰もが探してる　誰かを探してる

手を伸ばせばいつでも
あるはずのぬくもりは
幼い日のまぼろし

眩しすぎて見つめることも　できない太陽
明日へと続くこの道に　いつも影は一つ
人はどこへゆくのだろう

扉を開けるたび　差し込む光と闇

上手く伝えられなくて
優しくなれなくて
その弱さも脆さも

大きすぎて羽ばたくことが　できない翼で
刻んだ痛みは優しさに　変わってゆくから
明日はそこにあるのだろう

あの路地の向こうで
繋がってる未来に
怯えている　私がいる

言葉にはできなくたっていい　前を向いていれば
刻んだ痛みは優しさに　変わってゆくから

眩しすぎて見つめることも　できない太陽
光が溢れるこの道に　いつも影は一つ
明日はそこにあるのだろう

My first translation (notes marked with asterisks):

Everyone is looking, looking for someone.

Whenever I stretch out my hands
The warmth that I expect to find
Is an illusion from my childhood.

The bright sun that I can't gaze at *1
Always casts one shadow on this road to tomorrow.
Where are people going?

When I open the door, light and darkness flood in.

I can't express it well,
I can't be kind. *2
This weakness and frailty...

With these wings that are too big to fly *3
The bitter pain will change to warmth.
Tomorrow is to be found there.

At the end of that alley
In the linked future *4
I am there, frightened

It's okay if you can't find the words, if you press forward *5
The bitter pain will change to warmth.

The bright sun that I can't gaze at
Always casts one shadow on this road overflowing with light.
Tomorrow is to be found there.

Notes:
*1: Gazing at the sun feels a little awkward -- any other interpretations?
*2: Not sure how best to translate this one. What is the subject of this verse?
*3: 羽ばたく is listed as "flap" or "flutter" in my dictionary, but I think the English version sounds better with "fly".
*4: Went with "linked" over "connected" for 繋がってる, but I don't particularly like either and the thesaurus wasn't much help.
*5: Felt a bit more natural to use "you" for this line, but I'm open to other ideas.

I welcome your comments.

--
deltafour

[deltafour]

My apologies for not including the romanization the first time. Also, for future posts I will break up the song into sections as seems to be the convention here.

dare mo ga sagashiteru dare ka o sagashiteru

te o nobaseba itsudemo
aru hazu no nukumori wa
osanai hi no maboroshi

mabushisugite mitsumeru koto mo dekinai taiyou
ashita e to tsuzuku kono michi ni itsumo kage wa hitotsu
hito wa doko e yuku no darou

tobira o akeru tabi sashikomu hikari to yami

umaku tsutaerarenakute
yasashiku narenakute
sono yowasa mo morosa mo

ookisugite habataku koto ga dekinai tsubasa
kizanda itami wa yasashisa ni kawatte yuku kara
asu wa soko ni aru no darou

ano roji no mukou de
tsunagatteru mirai ni
obieteiru watashi ga iru

kotoba ni wa dekinakutatte ii mae o muiteireba
kizanda itami wa yasashisa ni kawatte yuku kara

mabushisugite mitsumeru koto mo dekinai taiyou
hikari ga afureru kono michi ni itsumo kage wa hitotsu
asu wa soko ni aru no darou

--
deltafour

[AzureDark]

Please use the Edit button to edit your posts.

As for help, I'll look at it later, when the lyrics are arranged k-r-t for every stanza. I know the one above would be the formatting when you submit, but for LD it's a good idea to pair up every stanza for ease of reading.

[Soulshift]

In reply to the original poster's questions:


*1: Gazing at the sun feels a little awkward -- any other interpretations?
There probably isn't another word, other than "staring..." Maybe consider restructuring the sentence instead?


*2: Not sure how best to translate this one. What is the subject of this verse?
The subject of the verse would be the singer (i.e. "I")
Perhaps you could try inverting the sentence to make the translation sound more natural? E.g "I am too harsh" or something...


*3: 羽ばたく is listed as "flap" or "flutter" in my dictionary, but I think the English version sounds better with "fly".
I concur.


*4: Went with "linked" over "connected" for 繋がってる, but I don't particularly like either and the thesaurus wasn't much help.
This should probably be "In the future that is / [connected|at] the end of that alley" instead.


*5: Felt a bit more natural to use "you" for this line, but I'm open to other ideas.
Makes sense to me.


HTH HAND