Tokimeki Memorial - Motto ! MOTTO ! Tokimeki

[AceNoctali]

I have some minor corrections to submit in the Romaji, Translation (both in the light of the Kanji version I've submitted on this topic (http://www.animeforum.com/showthread.php?t=68060)) and Information sections of that song.


* Romaji :

1°)
On the next to last paragraph, between the lines :

(Throw Your Charm) SUTEKI na yokan soyokaze ni nose
(Try Your Luck) seifuku no RIBON

"Soshite" is missing, giving the following correction :

(Throw Your Charm) SUTEKI na yokan soyokaze ni nose
(So·shi·te)
;)
(Try Your Luck) seifuku no RIBON


2°)
On the last paragraph, between the lines :

(Throw Your Charm) jibun demo wakaru mune no takanari
(Try Your Luck) shin kokyuu hitotsu

"Dakara" is missing, giving the following correction :

(Throw Your Charm) jibun demo wakaru mune no takanari
(Da·ka·ra)
(Try Your Luck) shin kokyuu hitotsu



* Translation :

1°)
Coincidentally, since those two words were missing in the original Romaji, they're missing in the translation as well. I suggest :

(And - then) for (So·shi·te)

and

(That's - why) for (Da·ka·ra).


2°)
Along with those additions, I'd like to suggest another correction.

On the 4th and 10th paragraphs, where :

(Take the Chance) shiage ha joudeki
(Tell Your Heart) junbi ha OK
is sung, the translation proposed was :

(take the chance) It's good
(tell your heart) I'm ready

Seeing how the whole translation of the refrains is flowing, I think a more litteral translation, describing the names of the things done is better. So, I instead suggest :

(Take the chance) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your heart) Preparations are OK .




* Informations :

"Motto ! MOTTO ! Tokimeki" being a staple song of the Tokimeki Memorial series, aside from the original version, sung by Mami Kingetsu (seiyuu of the main heroine of TM1, Shiori Fujisaki), it had several arrangements, sung by other singers. Among all of them, Tange Sakura was NOT one of them.

Here's a list of the singers, depending of the versions of the song (note that the lyrics don't change ONE bit between the different versions, only the melody is slightly different) :


- Original version, and Tokimeki Memorial 1 OAV version : Mami Kingetsu
- 1999 version : Junko Noda
- 2001 version : Akemi Kanda




Ok, lots of work on this one. Sorry guys. :(

[AzureDark]

Gawd, the symbol conversions are horrendous. I know firsthand myself that the site won't accept "・" and a lot of people have fallen foul of this.

But you Ace, since you were successful in using macrons in your lyrics and they could be displayed perfectly, I take your ·. And it works!

Apparently, the later versions you mentioned are used in TM2 and TM3 which have their own sections. This is where hotlinking comes in handy like Jpop albums could link from anime singles, but this site doesn't do that ~_~

...asdfasfda Ace can you redo the translation then? I'm having trouble fitting the lines of the lyrics in with the current one and I'm sure you'll do a better job (and I'll fix the transliteration to match your t/l when you finish it).

...this song... I think I saw a Hokuto no Ken parody for it...
~tsuki to ka, kiai to ka... saisho ni yaridashita no wa~
~RAOU na no kashira kakenukete yuku~
~hokuto no MEMORIARU~ ...

LOL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VxOicuM1-M) >_> <_< *runs*

[AceNoctali]

Gah... To tell you the truth, Azu, I'm not sure I have an high enough skill to translate such a hard song. Seriously, just the "sasayaki, kirameki, dokodoki, dasuki" part gave me nightmares to translate T_T

However, I gave a try at retranslate it. However, if you (and enventual other skilled Japanese-speakers of the forum) could check it thoroughly, it would be extremely kind of you.


"I like you" or "I dislike you",
The one who'll say it first
I wonder who it will be
This continues to run through
My memories... (1)

Today too, in front of my mirror,
I combed my hair
Pink lipstick is my Sweet Magic
My favourite perfume

Whispering,
Twinkling,
Heartbeating,
And loving,
I'd just want you to gaze at me ! (2)

(Take the Chance!) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your Heart!) Preparations are OK
My nice presentiment is in the breeze
(Try your Luck!) The ribbon of my uniform
(Tell your Love!) I tie it again, and then
Today I'll tell you "Love me please..."

My love for you,
Did you realised it ?
Did you not ?
I'll show you my sweet memories (I'll tell you my deep feelings for you) (3)

Inside your desk, I secretly
slipped my letter,
A white magic containing my wishes
And my best courage

You, who's kindly
Smiling at me,
I love you
deeply (4)
I'd want to feel your warm look more than anyone else,
and I'd want to you to feel my heart (5)

(Take the Chance!) I'm sure you will come
(Tell your Heart!) Because I believe it
I'll wait for you under this tree
(Try your Luck!) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your Love!) Preparations are OK
Today I'll tell you "Love me please..."

Whispering,
Twinkling,
Heartbeating,
And loving,
I'd just want you to gaze at me !

(Take the Chance!) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your Heart!) Preparations are OK
(Throw Your Charm!) My nice presentiment is in the breeze
(And - then)
(Try your Luck!) The ribbon of my uniform
(Tell your Love!) I tie it again, and then
Today I'll tell you "Love me please..."

(Take the Chance!) My nice presentiment
(Tell your Heart!) You are running to me
(Throw your Charm!) I realize my heart beat fast
(That's - why)
(Try your Luck!) I take a deep breath,
(Tell your Love!) Muster my courage,
and tell with my clear voice "Love me please..."



(1) That whole paragraph is a nightmare to translate. Could you check it if I got it right ?

(2) The "anata dake ni mitusmete hoshii" is confusing me a bit. I'm not sure which one of those two translations of this stanza is the right one :

* I'd just want you to gaze at me !
* I'd want you to be the only one gazing at me !

I have the feeling the first one is the right one, but I'm not 100&#37; sure.

(3) "I'll show you my sweet memories" is more litteral, but I have the feeling "I'll tell you my deep feelings" for you would suit better to the atmosphere of the whole paragraph. What do you think about it ?

(4) I know "deeply" isn't there at all in the original lyrics here, but that was the only way I could find to get away with both the separation of the "anata ga daisuki", and retranscribing the power of the "daisuki".

(5) Original translation of that part was : "I want you to feel my love and my eyes".

I have the personal feeling the "warm look" part was attributed on the boy she loves (as she's describing before his gentle smile, and since I think, due to the outbursting feelings containing this part, another "watashi" would have been used here for emphasing : lack of it, unlike the "heart" part, led me to believe to my conclusion of the boy for the "warm look" part), and the "heart" part was attributed to her (due to the "watashi"), leading to my new translation of that part.
Now, I'm not 100% sure of myself, opinions from you would be welcome.




Apparently, the later versions you mentioned are used in TM2 and TM3 which have their own sections. This is where hotlinking comes in handy like Jpop albums could link from anime singles, but this site doesn't do that ~_~

Ah, indeed. the 1999 and 2001 versions are from TM2 and TM3 respectively. BTW, you were even more precise than me when you included these infos in the song description on the site, awesome job ! "~^



...this song... I think I saw a Hokuto no Ken parody for it...
~tsuki to ka, kiai to ka... saisho ni yaridashita no wa~
~RAOU na no kashira kakenukete yuku~
~hokuto no MEMORIARU~ ...

Ha ha ha, I remember this one. I was all "WTF" and "ROFL" when I saw it the first time. ^^



And, sorry for the wall'o'text. T_T

[AzureDark]

Mmmm... well don't worry, since I was the one who provoked you into doing it I might as well help you with it as thoroughly as I need to be:-

(1) Let's put all of it on a sentence and break it up into lines afterwards appropriately:-
I wonder who
is gonna be the first who says
either "like" or "hate"
This keeps running through
my memories
Keep in mind that there's no subject in the first line, it's just 'suki' and 'kirai'. You now probably say, but that needs to be taken into the song's context. That's fine, because like I said somewhere if you think it will improve the song's delivery then go ahead.

(2) The second one, since 'dake' is owned by 'anata'.
I want you to be the only one gazing at me![I]

(3) First you need to just put the "feelings" above to the first line, replacing the "love". I can understand why you put it there but just keep it slow for the moment. Now, the last line is symbolic to the series it's in, so I wouldn't change it; the problem is, what is the English translation of "Tokimeki Memorial"? It's up to you. >_>;

(4) Ah wonderful, that's brilliant. Only seasoned translators would know of this trick.

(5) First, there's no "more than anyone else" anymore in this line. ...ergh, again we need a restructuring here:-
[I]I want you to feel my heart
Until I can feel your hot gaze
in that effect. And yes, the gaze should be his, by the way.

Of course, you would be probably needing further assistance, but I'll come back again soon, need to rest.

[AceNoctali]

(1) Let's put all of it on a sentence and break it up into lines afterwards appropriately:-
I wonder who
is gonna be the first who says
either "like" or "hate"
This keeps running through
my memories
Keep in mind that there's no subject in the first line, it's just 'suki' and 'kirai'. You now probably say, but that needs to be taken into the song's context. That's fine, because like I said somewhere if you think it will improve the song's delivery then go ahead.

In fact, I prefer your version. It doesn't follow line to line the original script unlike mine, but mine sounds too corny. >_>



(3) First you need to just put the "feelings" above to the first line, replacing the "love". I can understand why you put it there but just keep it slow for the moment.

Ah, indeed, I see what you mean. To tell you the truth, I was unsure there to translate "omoi" as "feelings", which is the primary sense of the word, or "love", which is its secondary and poetic way.


Now, the last line is symbolic to the series it's in, so I wouldn't change it; the problem is, what is the English translation of "Tokimeki Memorial"? It's up to you. >_>;

In fact, there's NO English translation for "Tokimeki Memorial". That franchise is a Japan-exclusive series, and there's no discussion about a translation of the name in the very few Internet communities existing for all I know.

Thus, I fear there's no way but to lose the "Tokimeki Memorial" bit in the translation (translating for something approximating, like I tried to do), and leave a footnote explaining that this stanza is symbolic of the name of the series in the original script.




(5) First, there's no "more than anyone else" anymore in this line. ...ergh, again we need a restructuring here:-
[I]I want you to feel my heart
Until I can feel your hot gaze
in that effect. And yes, the gaze should be his, by the way.

The "hodo ni" is to blame here. Both the Jim Breen, and my Japanese-English & Japanese-French electronic dictionary, lacked good translation examples for this one, so I was very unsure of how translating it.


Ok, thankies a lot for those first checks. ~o~
I'm still open for more corrections. "~^

[AzureDark]

OK let me run through this...
(v1)
>Today too, in front of my mirror,
>I combed my hair
Use something else than "too" so that the English sounds better
Today, as usual, in front of my mirror
I combed my hair

(c1)
>(Tell your Heart!) Preparations are OK
I've long been quite uneasy with how you take 'junbi wa OK' as this... Yours is literal and correct as you said before, but I just can't help but feel, since this song is not that serious/formal, you could give it a bit of language ease. The old one in "I'm ready" has merit in this, but it misses the mark. Nor would be my take in it, "I'm all set", which allocates 'junbi' but doesn't include OK. What I'm saying here is that for me, a translation must also match the mood of the song, and "preparation" isn't a word used by a girl trying to charm a guy, something else should be used. If you don't agree on this you may use your original line; if you agree on the above and you also think you don't need 'OK' in the trans, use mine, or you need to come up with something that is informal but has the same meaning as "preparation".

>My nice presentiment is in the breeze
Same problem. Dictionary says 'yokan' is "premonition", but usually for an informal song's translation I use "sign" or something similar.

>(Tell your Love!) I tie it again, and then
Wonderful. You know your -tara verb form. Some intermediates unfortunately hard-code it as conditional.

Today I'll tell you "Love me please..."
But unfortunately you missed the -sou form here! Your line sounds like it was certain she would say it, but it's 'iesou', that's iu + potential + non-committal (-sou).
Today I think I could (finally) tell you "Love me please..."
adding "finally" to take consideration of other parts in the song.

(v2?)
Did you realised it ?
Did you not ?
I wanna highlight something here... first off this sentence deals with "knowledge of a person", the classic verb is 'shiru'. Compare these two equivalences:
(...) shirimasu ka == do you know about...
(...) shitte imasu ka == did you know that... (I suck at specific examples)
This is basic intermediate stuff.
What you have done right in this part is that you used past tense for the translation. This is a phenomenon in translation that some verbs do not take the same tense when going across. Hence, some of you, literal translators, suck D:; (/vent)
But then you made the blunder of using the past tense twice in an English sentence...
Did you realise it?
Or didn't you?

As for 'tokimeki MEMORIARU', I don't think it's 'memories', it's something more of a remembrance symbol, like memorial statues or the like. ...geh, not even Wikipedia attempted to translate the meaning.
I'll show you
My heart-throbbing memorial
*runs away and gets shot for that literal attempt*

(v3?)
>A white magic containing my wishes
>And my best courage
lol white magic... FF? *cough*
Since you kept Sweet Magic earlier, why not do the same
(...)and deeply wished using White Magic
along with my greatest courage
using the "concentrated" meaning of 'komeru'.

(continues from [5])
'hodo' is just "to the effect of" which explains my "until" as I showed you above.

(last cho)
(Take the Chance!) My nice presentiment
(Tell your Heart!) You are running to me
(Throw your Charm!) I realize my heart beat fast
"nice" is not 'tokimeki', no? Along with being too rigid.
(Take the Chance!) The signs of love
(Tell your Heart!) And your soon-to-be arrival
(Throw your Charm!) Even I myself can sense this pounding of my heart
Frankly I've given up on 'tokimeku' myself >_>

>(Tell your Love!) Muster my courage,
Use "gather"...

*ded* ...oh gawd three more discussions...

[AceNoctali]

By god, now you see why I said I wasn't skilled enough to take on this song... T_T But, in a way, that was a good thing you incited me to try, as I'm learning a lot from your corrections and comments. :)

That being said, seriously, once we'll get to a final script of it, by all means take full credits on it on the site, as if it weren't for you, this translation wouldn't have been as half as good as this. Learning from you on this made me already happy enough, and frankly, for the hard job you did, you deserve it.



What I'm saying here is that for me, a translation must also match the mood of the song, and "preparation" isn't a word used by a girl trying to charm a guy, something else should be used.

You've got a very valid point in here (it's a romance song, after all !). Thus, I fully agree with you : I'm with you on translating this part as "I'm all set", since I also don't see another way to keep the "OK" in there.



But unfortunately you missed the -sou form here! Your line sounds like it was certain she would say it, but it's 'iesou', that's iu + potential + non-committal (-sou).
Today I think I could (finally) tell you "Love me please..."
adding "finally" to take consideration of other parts in the song.

GuuuUUUaaaAAAAHHHH !!! How could I've missed that verb form ?! Indeed, it's a stupid blunder of mine. T_T



As for 'tokimeki MEMORIARU', I don't think it's 'memories', it's something more of a remembrance symbol, like memorial statues or the like. ...geh, not even Wikipedia attempted to translate the meaning.
I'll show you
My heart-throbbing memorial
*runs away and gets shot for that literal attempt*

*takes shot for you* It may not be a perfect translation, but I think I'll do the job (it's at least better than my attempt).



>(Tell your Love!) Muster my courage,
Use "gather"...

A little question on this one. I'm not contradicting you, it's just for my learning (as I'm a Frenchie, thus not a native English speaker). What's the exact difference between "gather" and "muster" ?


----------

Ok, I think it's time now for rearrange this translation on the light of those corrections, just so things become clearer :


I wonder who
will be the first who says
either "like" or "hate"
This keeps running through
my memories...

Today, as usual, in front of my mirror
I combed my hair
Pink lipstick is my Sweet Magic
My favourite perfume

Whispering,
Twinkling,
Heartbeating,
And loving,
I want you to be the only one gazing at me!

(Take the Chance!) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your Heart!) I'm all set
A nice sign is in the breeze
(Try your Luck!) The ribbon of my uniform
(Tell your Love!) I tie it again, and then
I think I could finally tell you "Love me please..."

My feelings for you,
Did you realised them?
Or didn't you?
I'll show you
My heart-throbbing memorial

Inside your desk, I secretly
slipped my letter,
and deeply wished using White Magic
along with my greatest courage

You, who's kindly
Smiling at me,
I love you
deeply
I want you to feel my heart
Until I can feel your hot gaze

(Take the Chance!) I'm sure you will come
(Tell your Heart!) Because I believe it
I'll wait for you under this tree
(Try your Luck!) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your Love!) I'm all set
Today I think I could finally tell you "Love me please..."

Whispering,
Twinkling,
Heartbeating,
And loving,
I want you to be the only one gazing at me!

(Take the Chance!) The finishing touches are perfect
(Tell your Heart!) I'm all set
(Throw Your Charm!) A nice sign is in the breeze
(And - then)
(Try your Luck!) The ribbon of my uniform
(Tell your Love!) I tie it again, and then
Today I'll tell you "Love me please..."

(Take the Chance!) The signs of love
(Tell your Heart!) And your soon-to-be arrival
(Throw your Charm!) Even I myself can sense this pounding of my heart
(That's - why)
(Try your Luck!) I take a deep breath,
(Tell your Love!) gather my courage,
and tell with my clear voice "Love me please..."


Looks indeed a lot better. If there's some other problem, don't hesitate ; otherwise, it should be ready for the re-submission on the site, no ?

[AzureDark]

A little question on this one. I'm not contradicting you, it's just for my learning (as I'm a Frenchie, thus not a native English speaker). What's the exact difference between "gather" and "muster" ?
Well I'm no native myself but I've been around long enough to say that "muster"'s usage is uncommon, or at least less common than "gather".

Yeah it looks good-to-go to me (albeit a few more fix-ups) but I'll allow time for other people to comment on it.