View Full Version : Original Fiction: Unlock Ch.1

10-08-2007, 01:47 PM
Ok, I know that I havent been on here for quite awhile.But, i would like to revive this account with my little fast story that i wrote last night..Oh!And if you like it please tell me =).But with out a further a do, here is 'Unlocked' Chapter One.


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I would not think from the beginning of this adventure that I would be clingging on to a four legged animal for dear life...Yet again, I would not believe that I would be saying the words I was..Does it really matter that I stare death right in the face?Does it matter that the wolf I hold is dying right before my eyes..?

My hole life started in Las Vegas.But I cant believe that I'm living it for more then two years time.As I sit in the car on the way to the airport, I was listenning to my Ipod with the music on full blast.My mom was blabing on about how I needed to meet my friend Ashley at the airport right away before I go threw the bag check.I sighed because she sound like a broken record over and over, non-stop act of her mouth movement.

Once we arrived at the airport, I gracefully leaped out of the car.My long gold-brown hair followed me along with some muscle movement on my face...I think its called a 'Smile'.One of couse I haven't had one of those for quite a long time now.Last I remeber smilling is in the present of my hole family...Happy...

"Sahara, hun.Are you sure you'll be ok?I mean, you don't have to go if you dont want to" spoke my mother from behind the car unloading my bags and handing them to me..She also had this little taste in her voice that made me feel bad that I was leaving her..But I knew it was for the best.I hope it was."Mom, I'll be fine!Nothing to worry about a goofy like me.No one could possible wan't to miss with a hideous girl like me" I spoke to her with a grin.I never thought of myself beautiful or pretty...I'm just a normal 5'7-8 girl with straight light brown hair with some hids of gold in it.I would say I'm normal weight because I run.My eyes are dirt ground eyes, for my piercings..Nothing uncontrolable, one at the top of both ears and one on the bottom of both.And thats all I'm ever getting!I was wearing a tan V cut shirt with a white under shirt that showed under my hips, followed by a white blet that went over it that had some little skulls on it (the cartoony kind).Normal blue jeans with brown vans.My jeweler was not shocking either.Just a brown,black,and blue necklaces twining with one another.

My mom threw a gawk look at me.I returned it with a questionning one.
"What?" I asked.
"Sahare, your a beautiful girl..I hope you know that" she answered colded..
We stood there for a moment.Then I broke the silence (and the stare).
"Well, I better get going know mom" I said while picking up my bags and glanced at her one last time before I kissed her good bye.
"Be safe!"she wailed at me waving
"I will!" I replayed going in the building.I felt some eyes on us because we looked nothing alike.My mom had black waving hair, almost black-brown eyes.And she was much shortter then I.

Walking in I looked around the sea of people.There was so many!I couldn't remember the last time that I saw some many people leave, and coming here.Then out of the crowed I hear my name being hollered.
"Sahara!" The voice sounded delighted to be around me.I spin around to meet the gaze**of my long friend Ashley.
"Ashley!"I screamed in delight, we then hugged and started jumping as we did.We knew each other for a long time now.It started from when I was in 6th grade...Which was only about some years behind me now.We actted like we haven't seen each other for years.Which was only a day or so.Ashley was a little bit short then I, and with a much more 'Have fun' face then anyone I knew.She wore glasses, but contacts replaced that.She was wearing a black jacket with black jeans.Thats what she looks like usually now a days.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked me with a smile on her face.
I nodded "Duh!Why won't I be?One or Two hole years on are own in Violet Shores!Its a beautiful place!"
"Dont forget that we're going to be alone!" she snapped with a jolt of joy running threw her veins
"I know, I know!So lets get going" I said taking her hand and fly up the stairs.

We arrived at the bag checking soon enough.I started getting ready to put my things in the little bins as Ashley did the same..Staring at the people around me, there was a family in the front of the line with little five year olds running around wild.After them was a old couple looking happily at the kids.Then there was a teen boy infront of me, he was gorgeous.He had black hair that was spiked in the back a little and the rest hanged down.He was wearing a black jacket that was open.You could tell from behind if it was or not.At his hips there was a black and white studded belt holding up black jeans.Which I had to say was a bit bagging on him.I just wish I could see his face.I sighed then Ashley started poking me.

"Hey.." She whispered "You see that guy infront of you?" she asked
"Ya..What about him" I whispered back
"You know that all the people her are going to be on the plane with us, right?" she replyed with a smirk "And you know we dont sit next to each other in the plane, so good lucky" She giggled.I didnt quiet get the last part till we past the bag check.As for was Ashley said, it was true.We e're at are gate and the people that were infront of us was there.

I toke a sit and placed my carry on next to me as Ashley toke the other sit next to me.She cocked her head at me as I glanced up then saw the boy that was infront of me in the line then moaned then let myt head hang down."Whats wrong?" She finally asked after the moment of the kids screaming on the top of their lungs in joy of the game tage."Those kids are going to drive me insane!!" I cried as she laughed.We sat there for a good thirty mintues or so untill I finally got sick of the kids. "I'm going to the book store" I blurred out getting up, then looking at the spot where I saw the boy.He was gone. "Ok, I'll go get some food and I'll meet up with you back here ok?" Ashley said getting up too.I nodded and agreed.Then we toke are separate ways.

It toke me awhile to find the book store with all these people around.It was nicer though to be away from those kids.I cought some of there names.James,Tom,Sam the commen now a days names.But I never bothered to look up to see who the names belonged to.I entered the storie with a sigh in relieft.It was quiet.I started to look around at the million of books that cought my eye.You could tell who belonged where from the kids section to the adult ones.Basiced by the books, and of couse the titles.There was this one book that cought my eye, it was plan black and it had one word on it 'Sketch'.I was guessing it was a sketch book, I needed one too.I us all my notebooks all ready in the last past month.So, I reached for it.Not thinking that would happen next would ever happen in my life.As i reached for the book, another hand touched mine when I touched the books cover.The hand had longger fingers then mine.Yet it was so soft and warm.My eyes traveled the arm to the owner of it.

It was that was infront of me in the line.I froze.His eyes were iceberg blue.They were so cold it gave me a shiver.But in that same moment I saw his face.It was perfect, acne free.It looks so soft and smooth, be of coruse this moment for me at lest lasted a good ten mintues as we stared into each others eyes.He finally pulled his hand away from mine and turned then walked away with out a word said.For me, I stood there a little longer trying to figure out if I dreamt that, or if it really happened.Once I pulled myself together and walked out the storie book-less.I returned to the gate.

Ashley was already there waitting from me, but eatting some type of meal from some fast food restaurant.I toke my seat next to her.She looked at me with a full mouth.I just stared straight forwarded still stundded from what just happened.After chugging down her food.Ashley finally spoke to me.

"What happen?You look like you just seen a ghost" she said sipping her drink
"I-I think I did" I responded
"Well, tell me!" She demaned taking another sip of her drink
"I got to touch that boys hand" I answered quietly.And I guess it was a shocking to her because she started to chock on her drink.
"You what?!?!" She yelleped
"Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out if it was a day dream or it really happen"
"Thats just insane.."
"What, the part I touched his hand?"
"No, the part that you didn't get his myspace.Your such a zero hero,Sahara" she grinned while shaking her head.
I just openned my paw and hit my forhead.I should have knowed.

Hours pasted and the plane finally arrived, and they started letting people in.I was praying that I didn't have to sit next to one of the loud idiotic kids.'Nine a' was my seat.It wasnt that hard to find it.But, lucky me I got window.Unlucky me I had to sit with some I didnt know.Only one, so it wasnt that bad.Ashley got first class.And it so happens that the kids flew that class.I got middle, which was fine with me..So, I got my sketch book out and started to draw awaiting my company.I was also listenning to my Ipod, so the kids didnt bother me that much..After I was about done with the body of the thing I was draw, I looked up because I finally got some company..Yet, I regret looking up.It was that boy again.I glopped as he sat next to me without a problem..His eyes where covered by his flawless hair.But I think he peeked at my drawling and looked away.I moaned out loud making a spectacle of myself "Will this day ever end?!"

............To be continued (maybe).........

Saiyan Destroyer
10-16-2007, 05:18 PM
Couple of errors, nothing big. Remember SPACE after a PEROID, never have comments such as

"You're a punk, PUNK!" Joe got punched in the face.

That's an example, it should be more like

"You're a punk, PUNK!" Joe screamed at Bobs' face.

Bob reeled back and knocked the chip off Joes' shoulders.

That's a little easier, also whats the deal with have everything started in the center? It's easier to read from left to right. Also had a few spelling errors. Conversations parts need to be in on their own, then the story telling paragraphs by themselves. Never make conversation parts longger than one maybe two sentences, maximum three after a speach such as...

"Sahara, hun. Are you sure you'll be ok? I mean, you don't have to go if you don't want to." My mother spoke from behind the car unloading my bags and handing them to me.

She also had this little taste in her voice that made me feel bad that I was leaving her. But I knew it was for the best. I hoped it was.

"Mom, I'll be fine! Nothing to worry about a goofy like me. No one could possible wan't to miss with a hideous girl like me." I spoke to her with a grin.

I never thought of myself beautiful or pretty... I'm just a normal 5'7 - 8ish girl with straight light brown hair with some hints of gold in it. I would say I'm normal weight because I run. My eyes are dirt ground eyes. As for my piercings, nothing uncontrolable, one at the top of both ears and one on the bottom of both earlobes. That's all I'm ever getting! I was wearing a tan V cut shirt with a white under shirt that appeared under my hips, followed by a white blet that went over it that had some little skulls on it, the cartoony kind of skulls. Normal blue jeans with brown vans. My jewelery was not shocking either. Just a brown, black, and blue necklaces twining with one another.

You want actions to look more like that, but not exactly as that I both stole and I learned from different authors. Even if they look short and sloppy. It also helps to but atleast 3 spaces before every new quotation or paragraph like reading a book. YOU NEVER want to start a sentence with AND. I did a quick pick from you story of course. This does need A LOT OF WORK. Story wise it's all right, but presentation is very much lacking. You have a lot of grammer mistakes too such as using present tense over past tense words. Some spelling errors as well.

I did like the story, but you have a bit to before you can call yourself a Guitar Hero errr Ace Fan Fiction Writer. I'm not an Ace Fan Fiction Writer, I've been writing for four years now, and I'm STILL learning. I can show you EARLY writings I have that I chose not to edit and I can show you newer stuff. But this story does have potential.

10-16-2007, 11:01 PM
Well, thank you!!=) It means a lot...Thank you for not being rude like most people are these days..I'll be sure to take your advice when i start coming up with Ch. 2...Do you think its a worthy story though?

Saiyan Destroyer
10-18-2007, 03:12 PM
Everything has it's potential, fix a few errors there and you can post it on ficwad or fanfiction or mediaminor and see what other people think. I have 100% complete lack of HTML knowledge. Otherwise I'd start my own fan fiction site. But I can't. As for your question, there's a few different ways you can take this story. I'm assuming the name is Unlocked, that can mean several things like Love story, Growing Up story, Horror story, etc. You can take this anyway outside the name, but definately with teh set up. I think can be really good. If you need a Beta reader, just PM me or email me (my email is accessable) and I'll Beta read it, fix errors, make suggestions and such.

10-18-2007, 07:02 PM
Why thank you!:) I'll sure'll take that to mind...And yes its a love/fansty/horror story...Its under the same category of the "Twilight" series...And if you dont mind i would love you to be my Beta reader!Please..lol

Saiyan Destroyer
10-23-2007, 03:37 PM
Sure, send me a PM with your email. So I won't put in the spam and delete it. I'll beta your stuff.

11-02-2007, 04:56 PM
I've read your story and everything that I wanted to say has been covered up by Chris. :) Story-wise; it's a good start, though the 1st paragraph can be a little confusing when you suddenly jump to her past in the 2nd paragraph. Grammar-wise; some errors detected. Conversation-wise; it's fine. Spelling-wise; you really need improvement (whole NOT hole). This spoils your story. You can improve. =>

11-02-2007, 06:09 PM
Yay...Or boo ._.? lol