View Full Version : Original Fiction: Brookie Ch 14

09-04-2007, 02:43 PM
This fic is turning out to be god damn long! I hope you all appreciate the hard work I'm putting into this crap to make it postable here. <___< And I swear this is not a filler either. >___>

Note: Mary's thoughts = italics


Mary’s body hurt like hell that morning. It might have been the result of five days worth of passionate lovemaking catching up on her, but it was more likely to be that vivid nightmare. It had been so disturbing that she had had no other dreams that night. After falling back to sleep, her mind kept flashing to various scenes from it: Brooke held close to her body, the wretched arrival of that light, Brooke stalking off.

Mary stirred, not at first aware of how her body ached. But after her initial attempt at sitting up, after which she was only barely able to stifle a groan from escaping her throat, she decided to give it some time before she would try again. Instead she lay there quite still, taking in the tranquility of the first Saturday morning she had waken in time for in a long time. She felt the warmth from the patch of light that fell on Brooke’s bed from the window. She heard water running through the wall in front of her. Outside kids seemed to be playing some sort of loud game, and Mary heard them too. Then, all at once, she found that she had nothing on her mind except that damn nightmare.

Well, no use laying here dwelling on it.

She pushed herself into a sitting position with difficulty. She had been prepared for the sudden jolt of pain that seared through her upper body, but had not been ready for how weak her limbs were. Her arms shook under her weight. Mary cursed under her breath, under the suspicion that this was not solely because of some stupid dream. Still naked, she got to her feet (wincing slightly) and began to stretch the soreness from her muscles. She did one arm after the other, working her biceps and triceps. The pain seemed to magnify at first, then subside a little. Then she stretched both arms high over her head and work upper back. Finishing off by touching her toes for a few seconds to loosen her legs, she straightened up. The warm-up didn’t completely do the job, but it would have to do for now.

The rumbling and rushing sounds of water running through nearby pipes stopped. It was replaced with the clinking of a shower curtain being pulled open. Mary guessed that Brooke had finished up her shower and was about to come back into the room. Immediately she felt self-conscious about being naked. But, the thought of Brooke exiting the bathroom both stark naked and dripping wet appealed to her too much for her to worry about it for long. She stood facing the door, anxious and excited at the same time.

The door opened with an almost inaudible creak.

"Oh, you’re awake!" Brooke quickly made to wrap herself up in her towel, though not before Mary got two eyefuls.

"Yeah, I just got up. I’m so tired for some reason."

Brooke’s cheeks flushed with new color. But, with nothing to say, she turned away and instead moved over to her dresser by the window. Silently she opened the top drawer and pulled out something white and cottony. Underwear, Mary guessed. The thought made her smile and remember how the other pair was in need of washing. Then, she remembered that her’s too needed to be cleaned.

"Err…" Mary stammered. Brooke turned her head as far as she could backwards.


"Well…uh…I can’t exactly change back into my clothes…" Damn how hard it was to talk!

"Oh!" The color in her cheeks deepened. "Well…I guess you’ll have to wait to dress until after they come out of the wash. I’ve already started it. It should only be another thirty minutes." She returned to searching through her dresser, leaving Mary horrified at the imminent prospect of remaining nude whilst Brooke paraded around fully clothed.

"Next Friday I’ll remember to bring a change of clothes." She mumbled embarrassedly, crawling back under the safety of the covers.

"And your toothbrush." replied Brooke, her tone slightly teasing.

"Right that."

Brooke gathered up the rest of what she would need for a complete outfit from her drawers and went back into the bathroom, closing the door with a snap.

"Not like I haven’t seen it before!" Mary called after her. She imagined Brooke blushing still deeper. She almost laughed at that.

Much to her pleasure, the time Mary was obliged to spend naked in bed went by fairly quickly. She spent the half-hour watching Brooke skim through a copy of what she knew (from the bold lettering on the cover) was the script for Like a Hummingbird. Brooke was reading various lines avidly, muttering to herself under her breath. Occasionally Mary caught snatches of it: "…has to go…not right…" "Needs work…" "…to be expanded…" Apparently, it was a work in progress, and Brooke was the playwright. She hadn’t known that until now. Even so, it wasn’t the most interesting thing to listen to. Instead Mary just watched the sun fall across the shines in Brooke’s hair, the slight breeze from the window ripple through her stray locks, and her foot tap the carpet lightly. It was almost a shame to watch the attractive girl leave the room to fetch the laundry.

After that, the day was rather boring. Mary had little money to work with, so they couldn’t think of where to go out, and there wasn’t much for the two girls to do indoors. Brooke’s parents were about the house, and they had to be careful not to give away their secret affair. So, only after having a very small lunch in the kitchen, they retreated back into the safety of the upper floor. Mary found that pretending to not be lovers was more trouble than it was worth.

Brooke showed Mary around the various rooms they had (five, actually, with three bathrooms and a game room). Mary didn’t feel comfortable going into her parents’ room and she had already seen plenty of Brooke’s room, so Brooke instead led her into the three other bedrooms. They were all guestrooms of sorts, each one decorated with a certain theme and style. One seemed to be geared more toward smaller children. There were many models of airplanes and ships in bottles and submarines on shelves over the closet. Stuffed bears abounded here too, lining the full sized bed by the window in the corner. The walls were actually painted like pages from connect-the-dots books; Mary saw that a few of them had already been done with red crayon. Brooke told her that her parents hadn’t had time to wash them clean since her cousin visited a couple of weeks ago. Another room seemed to fit for an adult, a woman to be exact. The dresser had a huge beauty mirror over it, lined with at least ten light bulbs (for ease in putting on makeup, Mary knew). The walls were a generic pastel color, and the bed was a very bouncy queen. Mary could almost smell the perfume that she thought might have been Brooke’s aunt’s. The last room was, predictably, designed for a man. The walls were a bluish-gray hue and it smelled of…well men. The furniture here (merely a dresser, straight-backed chair, and bed) were all oak and simple in design. The mattress was slightly bigger than the queen and firmer than the others had been.

They didn’t linger in any of these rooms for more than a minute or so. Mary was keen to see what exactly was in Brooke’s game room.

Brooke slid open the doors right across from her bedroom, and Mary took in how spacious it was. In the very center there was a brand new pool table, the balls sitting ready in the center, already lined perfectly in the triangular rack, and the stick things (Mary honestly didn’t know what they were called) leaning against a nearby wall. Next to those there stood a foosball table. The set up here was left less neat, the handles sticking out in uneven lengths on the sides. Still, it looked to be in good shape. Before the wall opposite the foosball table there was a short coffee table, circled almost completely by a comfy-looking couch. On the table there sat a single deck of playing cards and colored poker chips. And, directly in front of where Mary and Brooke stood, there was a rather large flat screen TV with several video game consuls hooked up to it. And it was this, more than anything else, that caught Mary’s attention.

She circled around the gleaming pool table, making straight for the TV and, she could only hope, many games that she hadn’t played yet. As she drew closer to it, her eyes found an immaculately white rectangle, and she nearly died of happiness.

"Omigawd Brooke you have a Wii!"

Brooke frowned. "I do? I didn’t know that." Mary nearly choked on her tongue (again!). The shorter girl followed the path her girlfriend had just taken, looking at the same spot she was. Sure enough, nestled almost directly under the center of the TV there stood a Wii, looking innocently marvelous.

"Dad must have got it for Kevin’s visit. I swear, he spoils all of Aunt Carmen’s kids."

Mary quickly flipped through the games that were placed beside Nintendo’s latest creation, occasionally finding ones she’d heard of: Balls of Fury, Bust-a-Move Bash!, Mario Party 8, Metroid Prime 3, MySims, and Wii Sports. Someone had taken the time to arrange them in alphabetical order.

"Damn Brooke, this room just screams money to me, even more than that kid’s room." She looked over at Brooke.

"Well, yes, Dad does earn quite a bit of money. But I’m guessing that Wii is what made him decide to not buy a new Porsche. He’s been drooling over the Carrera GT for weeks, but he knows his spending limits."

Mary, hardly listening to what Brooke was saying, had pulled out Wii Sports from its sleeve and was inserting it into the Wii. It sprang to life as it accepted the disc, its blue power light coming on and inner workings humming quietly. She stepped back from it in awe. Then, seeing that she had forgotten to turn the TV on in her excitement, moved forward and pressed the power button. Some light, cheesy menu music began to play, and Mary became engrossed in it all.

It took Brooke nearly two hours to pull Mary away from it, which involved her becoming extremely irritable and nearly leaving the room. Still, Mary only put the Wii remote down very reluctantly. She drug her feet as she turned off the consul and TV, not wanting to leave it.

"I’ll be back…" she whispered quietly to the compact system, looking anxiously in Brooke’s direction to make sure she was well out of earshot. Finally Mary yielded to Brooke’s desire to leave, and they walked the short way across the hall to Brooke’s room.

"It’s just a video game." said Brooke, frowning at Mary as she closed the door behind her.

"Blasphemy!" Mary protested. "That is the lord of all video games! Nintendo is awesome, I didn’t think they could make a system more awesome than the DS, but the Wii is so awesomely awesome!"

"Yes, totally awesome." She rolled her eyes.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"You’re practically making fun of yourself! You just said ‘awesome’ four times in one sentence!"

"Nuh uh! I said it three times and used the adverb of it once."

"’Awesomely’ isn’t even a word, Mary!" She sounded annoyed, yet slightly amused.

"…sure it is."


"How do you know? They add words to the English language all the time. I think ‘ain’t’ is even a word now."

"No it’s not!"

"Yes it is!"

"Oh my god…don’t you want to go home yet???"

"Why should I?" Mary said this last reply a little sadly, not teasingly like she had the others.

"Won’t your family worry?"

She almost burst into laughter. "Oh god no. Even if they did notice I’ve been gone, which I highly doubt, they wouldn’t give a sh-"

"Aren’t you being a little harsh?" Brooke cut across. She looked directly into Mary’s eyes, and Mary found that she was unable to meet them.

"I…don’t want to talk about them. Tell me about your parents, what are they like? Must love money a lot to throw it around like this, your house is huge."

"Oh…" said Brooke vaguely. It seemed to Mary that she didn’t really know that is was unusual for people to live like she did. "Well…Dad is big on family. He always says ‘Blood is the most important thing.’ His and Mom’s siblings are always coming to visit for a few days, and he wants them to be comfortable."

"I don’t think they need specialized rooms to be comfortable…"

"It’s really not as great as it looks." she came back with lamely.

"Mmhmm, I don’t believe that for a second." A question suddenly came to her; It seemed amazing that she had never before thought to ask. "What does your dad do anyway?"

"Well, he invests here and there. He likes to find start up companies with potential and back them. Mom helps him, too." Mary could only stare at her. "Oh, it sounds great when I say it like that but really it isn’t!"

Wow…I knew she had money, but I didn’t know she was that rich! Damn! What is she doing in a small city like this then? They should live in New York or something.

"I admit we’ve never had any problems with money and stuff, but I mean, Mom and Dad are relatively modest. They don’t go blowing their money on everything and anything, and they don’t let me either. I know how to use the money they give me wisely."

"Modest? What about that Porsche your dad wants to buy? Sounds pretty flashy to me."

"Oh, I’m sure he’s too cheap to even buy that car. I think he just likes to dream about it. Though, he could technically buy it…but he would die if he saw the price."

"How much is it?"

"Beats me. But I think it costs around the same as this house… Oh my god, I fell for your change of subject!"

"Took you that long to notice?" Mary grinned at Brooke, which was met with a slightly scornful look. "Okay, look I’m sorry. I just don’t like talking about my parents."

"Why not?" Brooke asked.

"Because…it’s a long story."

"Well, you’re staying the night again aren’t you? We have time."

"What? I thought we were going to share more fantasies…" she said shyly, looking at her feet in shame.

"…aren’t you exhausted???"

"Well…yeah." she admitted. "Okay, so I guess we can skip a day."

"Well do another on Monday."

Brooke blushed, looking suddenly shy. All at once it occurred to Mary that she must still be feeling vulnerable from last night. She remembered how, while under the influence of extreme arousal, Brooke had shamelessly begged Mary to have mercy and finish her off. The memory of it made her long to relive that desire that had engulfed her very being. I still have no clue how I managed to control myself last night…

"So uh…I’m a little hungry." She looked anywhere but Brooke’s face, not wanting her girlfriend read her thoughts there.

"Oh, let me go get some of the stew from last night."

"Ooooh, yeah, that smelled really good. Too bad we didn’t get to eat any of it yesterday. Oh, not that I cared at all…" she added with a blush.

"And tomorrow, you go home so you can get proper sleep. You already have enough trouble making it to school on time without being distracted by me too."

"Righto." The truth was, she didn’t want to go home tomorrow, but she figured she could find a way around it when the time came.

09-04-2007, 03:01 PM
[sigh] still no me ;__;

Im j/k

Though, I think a small sentence about how different Nicole's and Brooke's lifestyle wouldve been interesting to read, but oh well.

I did like how different Brooke and Mary are in terms of video games [and yes, Nintendo is awesomely awesome].

This chapter seemed to be very carefree and a bit innocent, which is a nice change of pace from all the 'activities' between the two girls.

Cant wait for 15!

09-04-2007, 03:04 PM
I think your writing is at its best when you really get into describing things, like those guest rooms, it was really detailed and it gave me a clear image really easily.

But I thought it was weird how the dad couldn't buy a porche because he baught a Wii, those two things aren't even comparable in price. But maybe its just me paying attention to dumb little things...

09-04-2007, 03:18 PM
Yeah, I realised that during my last revision of it. What I should have done was make it more clear that Brooke was only kidding about the Wii thing. But, lazy as usual, just left it.

09-05-2007, 12:21 AM
I don't think I've responded to any chapters yet, but I have been reading them!

I'd just like to take a moment to say how wonderful it is seeing your writing growing stronger with each chapter. You've been experimenting, taking risks, and they don't always work, but always teach you something new. You're taking more time to lay out a scene (as previously mentioned) and mixing sentence structures far more than you were in early chapters.

All in all it's a real pleasure to watch your writing skills develop ^_^ That was always my favorite part of any writing class/group I've been in in the past.

09-05-2007, 03:37 AM
=o!!! You READ these!?!? Now I'm gonna have to be more careful about what I write. >_<

heh Yeah, I even experimented with this chapter too. I decided to do a little research, which I hear that other writers do extensively. XD I just write about what I know, but I added the things about the Wii and car and such, so I had to look some stuff up. It was fun.

I know, I've been paying a lot more attention to what I've been writting. I read the chapter through in my head a few times, and I'm trying to vary the sentax to make it sound less boring. Yay me! XD In the future, since you all seemed to like me adding some description, I'll try to include more in future chapters. I just know I dislike getting lost in descriptions. Actually, I seriously considered editing out the paragraph about the guestrooms entirely. It seemed to not really fit the tone of the rest of it, and it seemed such a silly thing to describe to ya'll. ^^ I'm happy I didn't though.

09-05-2007, 05:19 AM
=o!!! You READ these!?!?

Shouldn't the emphasis be on "you?" Unless you're implying I should be doing something with it other than reading. And in that case I have to disappoint XD

Anyway. I found the "red crayon" description particularly charming. It's always the little, vivid images that stick with me most.

09-05-2007, 05:23 AM
Shouldn't the emphasis be on "you?" Unless you're implying I should be doing something with it other than reading. And in that case I have to disappoint XD

Well, if you're anything like me you breathe Brookie. And if you're anything like Maaaaru....well.....you read certain chapters in the dead of lonely nights. XD

09-05-2007, 05:28 AM
Hm. If that was the case, isn't it odd that she wants her character to show up?

XD I won't go further with that thought.

09-07-2007, 02:04 AM
Write now on two a compiled conclusion on plot and overall planning, here goes.

a) Don't make the same mistake I did, which is failing to plan.
- I'm beginning to see the plot lines thin a little with these two chapters here. You reached a climatic peak when the decision was made to go with Brooke and I found myself eagerly reading to see when that would happen. But now its slowed down a little which is fine but is it too much? Agreed with the other reviews that the scene painted these couple of chapters were pleasurably peaceful but is it lingering at the edge of boredom perhaps?
- I know how you aren't fond of planning ahead at all and love writing the chapters as they come but it does help to get ahead of your readers.

b) Items to highlight to draw curiosity
- The Wii and money issue - Try playing around with this abit. Draw out the anger from the desparity issue, the differences in their lifestyles and make people wonder will the relationship work out.
- The Nicole issue. She's disappeared too long. I would like to see her thrown back into the mix and maybe Brooke feel compelled to say her piece. Just an idea but don't dwell on it. You may already have something on your mind on how the story would end and if you do have that, then my advise is not to listen to me but go with your plot.

Hope I didn't sound too blunt with my comments and instead gave you some help. Oh and one last thing "eyefuls".