View Full Version : Original Fiction: Brookie Ch 10

08-04-2007, 12:05 PM
*confetti* I swear, these are practically just writting themselves now (not that any of you are complaining). I THINK this one is halfway decent. This chapter I tried to focus mainly on keeping the sentence structure different. I hate it when I use the same one over and over, it's boring. So, let me know if I did an okay job.

Enough about the writting itself! Well, I know I haven't yet added that much depth to Nicole and Brooke, but I think you will find that that is about to change. Not with this chapter though, in the very near future. ^_~

Note: Words in itallics are usually Mary's thoughts.

Tip: READ EVA'S STUFF OUT LOUD! It will help comprehension.


The bright morning sun was peeping through the blinds at the pair of lovers, slumbering peacefully. It was nearly noon, yet the couple continued to breathe deeply in their sleep. Mary was holding Brooke close in her arms, with the shorter girl’s head nuzzled into her neck. Neither had any clothes on, but that didn’t stop them from sleeping without covers, their young, beautiful bodies provocatively showing. Not that anyone was there to see them.

Mary was the first to stir. She felt Brooke’s warm breath teasing her flesh and Brooke’s silky smooth legs rub against her own. The sensations crept up her nerves and to her spine. They made her arched her back slightly. Opening her eyes slowly, Mary began to become aware of herself and the beauty sleeping on her. Brooke’s body was warm and heavy. Mary enjoyed the way her limbs were entangled with hers, almost as though they were one person. She smiled to herself at the thought and softly pressed her lips to Brooke’s forehead.

Brooke stirred then, and once again Mary felt herself longing for her to continue sleeping. But Brooke opened her eyes and slowly pushed herself up from Mary’s chest. She looked down at her cream skin she had just been resting on, and then up into her face.

"Erm…morning." Mary said awkwardly. She wasn’t sure if Brooke was going to freak out and not talk to her all morning like the last time they woke up like that. Much to her relief, Brooke only smiled a little and leaned down for a kiss, which Mary happily returned. And that small kiss turned into a continuation of the night before.

An hour later, Mary was pulling on her clothes from yesterday, feeling drained and content at the same time. It was an odd feeling really. It was like after she just got done playing several rounds of DDR, and her muscles were tense and ready for exercise, but she was much too tired for it. Her pent up energy had no way of escaping, and her mind was stuck trying to cope with it until it dissipated naturally.

Though, that was difficult, because Brooke seemed rather lovey that morning. She kept sneaking little peaks at Mary, and Mary was sure that Brooke wanted her to notice this. After this went on for a few minutes, Mary walked over to Brooke to see what she wanted. Of course, Brooke blushed, but she handed Mary the shirt she had been about to put on. Apparently, she wanted Mary to dress her, which she was only too happy to do. And their closeness and gentle touching was making it impossible for the happiness inside Mary to wear off. It was the little things like this that she enjoyed the most: just being together and focussing only on each other. They didn’t need to be having sex for Mary to be happy.
Mary got up the courage to ask what she’d been wondering all morning.

"Hey Brooke. Can I ask something?"

"Yeah, of course."

"You seem okay this morning but…last time you were…well…"
Brooke frowned slightly, but didn’t take her eyes off Mary. Mary blushed, not really sure why. "Well…I was scared. The very thing that I had decided could never happen had just happened. I was a little confused."

Mary listened, but stayed silent. She remembered the stiff air that afternoon, and remembered the way Brooke looked at her. She hadn’t noticed any fear in her eyes that day, but perhaps she hadn’t looked hard enough. Or perhaps she had seen only what she wanted to see.

"I wanted it to happen, I can’t deny that. And I couldn’t let you stop saying the things you were saying.... And I suppose…once you started, I got caught up in the moment…"

Mary felt a little guilty for asking. She moved toward Brooke and kissed her forehead lightly. Brooke looked up at the taller girl and smiled weakly. She seemed tired still. Mary suggested that she go back to bed, but Brooke shook her head. She had things to do that day and she wanted to get an early start. Taking that as her cue to leave, Mary picked up the rest of her stuff and headed downstairs.

As soon as she was out of the house, Mary pulled her phone out and dialed Nicole’s number (or rather pushed her speed dial). She wasn’t really sure why she was hurt, there was no reason to be. She just was. Knowing why Brooke had acted the way she had after their first time together only made it harder to deal with now.

I mean, she basically just told me she didn’t want to be with me at first. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? And why the hell isn’t Nicole answering her phone? Argh!

She flipped her phone shut with a snap. She felt suddenly grumpy for what felt like a stupid reason, but that only made her even grumpier. She attempted to take some of her frustration out on a nearby lamppost, and only achieved a sore toe. Cursing to herself quietly, she didn’t hear someone calling her name until they were directly in front of her.

"Meary! Why do you not pay atenshun to my words?"

Mary blinked unfamiliarly at Eva’s Slavic accent. She never expected to see the girl outside of school. She looked very much out of place with her pale skin and dark hair and eyes. She was surprised the girl hadn’t burned yet in the So Cal sun.

"Oh, hey Eva. What are you doing down this street?"

"Wel, I live not too far eway. I tought I woud see the other people."

"Oh, I see…"

"Meary does not look happy. Say why?"


"You cannot be hapy if you hide things. You must free them, yes? Go, free them now."

"I…I can’t. It’s really complicated."

"Tell and I judge."

She bit her lower lip. What harm was there in telling Eva everything? Well, maybe not everything, but enough to give her an idea of what was going on. She might be able to help, after all…

"There are these two amazing girls I know. And I just wonder…is it better to go with passion or with fun?

"I cannot tell waht is best. You cannot tell either. Dis changes, al time. You only look inside self, and pull ansir. Undearstan?"

It was almost like talking to a child, and besides that it wasn’t helping at all.

"Thanks…I’ll do that."

"Meary hapy, make Eva hapy. Be hapy friend."

Eva put her hand on Mary’s shoulder, squeezed gently, and then moved past her. Wondering vaguely what she just agreed to do, May looked back to watch Eva continue her walk in the opposite direction. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt just like everyone else, yet she looked so damn out of place.

Mary made it to her house twenty minutes later, sweating slightly in the dry Californian heat. As soon as she made it inside she went into the kitchen and pulled a can of soda from the fridge. Slowly her body temperature fell with the aid of the soda and air conditioning, and the sweat on her body evaporated.

It seemed no one was home. Well, it hardly mattered if they were anyway, she usually avoided contact with her parents. Feeling able to tackle the stairs now, she went up and shut herself in her room. The last gulp of her soda disappeared down her throat before she flopped down on her bed. She stared up at the stucco ceiling like she had only a few nights ago. For a few minutes she lay there, flat on her back, her mind wandering. She wasn’t really sure what she should think about first.

Well…I’ve pretty much screwed myself over. I dunno how I’m supposed to fix this damn mess. I dunno what the hell is wrong with me either! I’ve loved Brooke for ages, how could I become so attached to Nicole? I know Nic Nic is fun and all, but she’s not really my type. Or at least…I think. Brooke is my type, and Nicole isn’t anything like her. So why do I feel this way?


She couldn’t keep still. Mary got off her bed with a huff and dumped the contents of her pockets unto her dresser. Then, she pulled off her shoes first, then her jeans, and then socks. Standing straight up, she glanced over her shoulder out the window. She paused for a few seconds, staring off into the general direction of Nicole’s house. She remembered that the girl had not returned her call yet. Feeling grumpy once again, she pulled her shirt off over her head and unhooked her bra as she walked into her bathroom.

The water felt cool as the droplets that showered upon her made contact with her flesh. They dripped down her body, covering her in a slippery sheen of clear water, causing Goosebumps to slowly form over her smooth skin. Her hair soaked and became wavy clumps around her face, taking away the usually slightly frizzy character that she had inherited from her mother. Mary stood there, not bothering to lather her body or shampoo her hair. She wasn’t really looking to be clean, merely something to do, something to clear her mind of her rampant confusions. She sought to escape them for ten minutes and just relax. Before, whenever she wanted to relax and distract herself she would lay in bed and fantasize about the yet unexplored possibilities she longed to experience with Brooke, letting the sweat and effort sweep her troubles away and replace them with bliss. Some of those realistic dreams she had realized, and the ones she hadn’t she found plagued her consciousness. She wasn’t sure if it would be right to indulge in them now, or even if she would be able to do so without Nicole’s face creeping in and changing them. She remembered seeing her face in Brooke’s before giving in to fatigue last night…

She couldn’t shower forever. Eventually Mary turned off the faucet and let the last few drops hit her face, mingle with the others, and drip down her hair and body. The shower had helped a little, but not as much as she had hoped. Feeling defeated, she pulled the curtain back and stepped out to find a dry towel.

She didn’t bother wrapping the towel around herself. She merely used it to dry her hair (she hated it when the water dripped on her shoulders). Drops of water still clung to her body as she exited her bathroom, feeling the texture of the floor change from tile to carpet. She was slightly cold, but the Goosebumps had, for the most part, disappeared. Distractedly she ran the towel through her hair, now trying to keep her mind blank. Having no thoughts made her feel like she was a zombie, a thought that then prompted various images of zombies from movies to spring into her mind.

So distracted she was by the flesh-eating creatures that Mary did not at first see Nicole standing in the doorway. She didn’t notice the girl’s Irish green eyes sweep over her taut and toned body. Her legs were sleek and streamlined with elegance, and the shadows on her abdomen betrayed the strength they contained. Mary would have never described herself as such, but the lighting at that moment said everything.

When Mary finally took notice of Nicole she was biting her lower lip and gazing at her body with an insatiable twinkle in her eyes. And it suddenly occurred to Mary that Nicole had never seen her naked. She blushed deeply.

"Ah…hey….your dad let me in….." Nicole said weakly.

"What? I didn’t know he was home…" At this point she considered covering her body, but thought that it was quite pointless now, Nicole having already taken in an eyeful and her dad never even looked at her nowadays.

"Yeah, he was outside measuring the windows for some reason."

Mary sighed. "Must be more redecorating."

"Oh? What is the old man planning now?" She frowned slightly.

"I don’t even ask anymore."

She was starting to get really uncomfortable, standing there having a casual chat while stark naked. After weighing her options, she decided that it would be less awkward to dress in front of Nicole than to stay like this. She pulled from her dresser a clean pair of underwear (gray boxer-brief kind of things, like always) and started to put them on. Nicole took the hint and turned away, but not before Mary saw the blush creep into her cheeks. It made Mary blush a little more as she continued to dress.
Once Mary was completely clothed again (jeans and T-shirt, almost exactly the same as she had been wearing earlier that day), she and Nicole were able to talk again without much embarrassment.

"So what brings you here anyway?"

"Oh, well you called me while I was trying to not burn grilled cheese sandwiches." Nicole replied, placing a delicate emphasis on the word "not". It made Mary laugh.

"I bet you failed miserably."

"Nearly burned the house down." Nicole smiled. So did Mary. "Needless to say, they weren’t edible. So I decided to go out for lunch. I had just gone to get some money when I saw I had a missed call. And, since I was heading this way anyway, I decided to come by. I didn’t know you would be…" She coughed. "Occupied."

"Well, now that you’re here, what shall we do?" It was sincerely a throwaway question really, she didn’t say it as though she was suggesting anything.

"Uhnnn….….anime? I haven’t seen the last DVD of Azumanga Daioh yet." As Nicole spoke, she stepped over to Mary’s DVD collection and looked for the volume she was talking about. Mary didn’t object to the suggestion, though she had a feeling that she would have been ignored even if she had.

It wasn’t exactly a romantic anime. True, there were some suggestions of shoujo ai, but it was nothing like watching Clinedale with Brooke. The two girls sat on Mary’s bed casually and laughed at almost everything Osaka said. It quickly relieved any tension leftover from earlier, and Mary was able to lay next to Nicole without feeling drawn to her. It was a nice change, as she had spent the last several days drawn to her. Mary inwardly hoped that things would continue to be like this, even though she knew that Nicole wouldn’t really forget the love she had for her.

The last episode ended on a somewhat sad note, and the two girls were silent as the credits rolled for the last time. After they had finished and the main menu was back on the screen, Mary wondered what would happen next.

"So erm…’ she began hesitantly. ‘What now?"

"Uhhh. TV?"

Mary, having no ideas herself, turned off the DVD player and started flipping through channels. After going through about 20, Nicole told her to stop.

Whatever was on didn’t really look like anything interesting, just some side-scrolling scenes of a car driving through some countryside. Nicole said that she thought she knew this movie and wanted to make sure. Mary put the remote down next to her and grabbed a pillow, laying back on the bed, her arms behind her head. Some lady got out of the car on the screen. Next to her, Nicole lay back too, but having no pillow, she held herself up with her elbows. It seemed a really awkward position. Mary noticed that she was having a hard time maintaining it, and so she scoot herself over father away from her, offering to share the pillow with her. Nicole took her up on the offer, blushing softly as she did.

The woman on the screen (she was blonde and wearing a very revealing outfit, which Mary found odd) walked into what was apparently a courtyard in front of a large house. When she entered it, there was a shirtless man. And, after the two started to kiss and fondle each other hurriedly, it occurred to Mary what they were watching.


"…I didn’t know you got a porno channel."

"I didn’t know you watched porn, I would have told you." Mary teased. Nicole sat up quickly and argued.

"Hey, I said I thought I’d seen it before, not that I had!"

"Oh, I see, it must have been a different one. Was it in better taste, because this one is rather slutty."

Nicole smirked dangerously. "Oh yes, Eva and I enjoyed it VERY much."

"Don’t go bringing her into this!" Mary replied, now sitting up as well.

"Oh? And why not? I see the lust in your eyes whenever you look at her."

Before Mary could reply that Nicole must be talking about herself, the girl on the TV began to moan rather loudly. Both girls looked at the screen and blushed at what they saw. Mary quickly found the remote and turned it off.

They were silent for several moments, not looking at each other at all, their teasing quite forgotten. Finally Mary mumbled, "I didn’t know they came that big. Philly can have them."

"They don’t," Nicole mumbled back. "I didn’t know a body could bend that way..."

At that, they burst into sidesplitting laughter that lasted until they were both almost out of breath.

"Hey, Nicole. I have something to tell you…"

08-04-2007, 12:54 PM

And aww, I think I just got dumped.

random fact: I have burned grilled cheese sandwhiches before XD

Fantastic chapter Cappy

08-04-2007, 05:46 PM
Oooo. I thought it was really good this time Cap. Well, I like all of your chapters. XD
I like it Cap. Keep it up!!!!!!!!
-Devoted Brookie Fan-

08-05-2007, 12:54 PM
The tone for this chapter was calmer. Makes me wonder if you were writing this in a particularly pleasant mood. However, this caught my attention :-

She looked down at her cream skin she had just been resting on, and then up into her face.

(>_<) I really hate to do this but I just had to correct this sentence as it was really disrupting the beauty of the scene.

"She looked down upon her creamy skin and at the milky warmth she had been resting on, and then, she looked up towards Mary's face." (I wanted to insert 'lover' instead of Mary but perhaps its a bit too much at this point).

Sorry, but these are just my thoughts.

08-05-2007, 04:35 PM
"She looked down upon her creamy skin and at the milky warmth she had been resting on, and then, she looked up towards Mary's face." (I wanted to insert 'lover' instead of Mary but perhaps its a bit too much at this point).

Sorry, but these are just my thoughts.
I admit, your sentence is more descriptive, however I don't think it would be very appropriate for the narrator to say. I'm writting this in third person limited (though I do slip slightly out of that when Nicole walks in unbeknownst to Mary), and the narrator's opinions reflect that of Mary's. Mary would not decribe herself as creamy or milky. I said cream as a reference to the color (which was a compromise between pale and peach, neither of which I wanted to use). I don't know if creamy should have been used if I was referencing to color, so I just went with cream. I admit, I was lazy and tired when writting the first part.

And yes, I was in quite a cheerful mood. :3

And Nicole....you're not dumped...

08-05-2007, 09:50 PM
I admit, your sentence is more descriptive, however I don't think it would be very appropriate for the narrator to say. I'm writting this in third person limited (though I do slip slightly out of that when Nicole walks in unbeknownst to Mary), and the narrator's opinions reflect that of Mary's.

Ah, I see. I just thought that since you slipped in from Brooke's point of view the narration would have been to describe what she saw through her eyes.

Mary would not decribe herself as creamy or milky. I said cream as a reference to the color (which was a compromise between pale and peach, neither of which I wanted to use). I don't know if creamy should have been used if I was referencing to color, so I just went with cream.

Mmm... again I was providing an opinion from Brooke's perspective. As for the word cream, "creamy" gives both texture and color to the skin... otherwise, I would've preferred "cream colored skin" as it flows smoother on the tongue when you read it out loud. Also, it clears off the confusion when deciding if the writer meant the texture or just the color.... But this is probably just me.

On point of view narration, third party's are alright, but sometimes diving into scenes and explaining them as how your characters would see them can provide a more vivid effect. That's what I do with my narusasu fanfics. It drives people mad with emotion to be able to read and experience how they felt, as though they were in their shoes. You do this well with Mary.

You don't have to let Brooke and Nicole completely steal Mary's show but little POV snippets on how they view things would be able to give them more depth without you having to go into length describing their past and their backgrounds.

The only problem with multiple POVs is that it can sometimes get confusing if there's no consistency as to how many POVs you are sticking to. But I doubt you will have a problem with that since most of your scenes only involve two main characters at any point in time.

Sorry if this is a bunch of blabber that makes no sense at all but I just came back from my trip with so much packed in my small head that I'm back to my explosive writing habits.

08-06-2007, 09:40 AM
;-; Your pure evil. Why must you torture me this way!?!? I hate clifhangers (unless I'm writing them. :p ) Anyway.... Cant wait for the next chapter!! (Hurry please!!!) ;-;


08-06-2007, 03:50 PM
*funny post deleted due to Marys gayness. (lol "gayness")

*spits all over thread and leaves*

Yugure's Goddess
08-08-2007, 12:25 AM
OMG! That was great. Watching a porno? Wow, Cappy, that's awfully adult.

I loved it but these cliff hangers kill horribly! Luckily, chapter 11's already posted so I won't whine much about having to wait for it. Though I do have to wait for the stupid page to load on this crappy computer! A WHOLE PAGE!! Darn you and your addictive writing, Cappy!