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~UB~
06-26-2007, 08:15 PM
I've made up to chapter 3 already, so I'll go ahead and post those in the first post. Please take the time to make it past the first chapter or two and warm up to the story. Forgive any grammatical or spelling errors and be merciful in your reviews! [Tips are Welcomed]


::Original Story Line. Does not rip off any animes, but does have anime influences. I'll give credit and devide it among the obvious if the oppertunity arises to do so::


Summary;
A war as old as time itself...

Heaven and Hell have been battling ever since Death has been at work. Since even God cannot raise the departed, experiments took place to insert the conciousness of the dead into another. Being a success, the research specimen was assassinated and the documents set aflame by a rebellious gang. But now the blood has been reborn into the descendant of the original specimen, and hope is revived. With a chance to utilize the ability, both God and the Devil send ambasedors, a young angel and a seductive vampire, to persuade Max Izuma to choose a side. But what happens when Max finds his own power, the power of an Arch-Angel?



By ~UB~ [aSc]

Poe; Book One

Chapter Zero; The Prologue

“Dearest lord, we have come together today for William Izuma. To pray together; to remember together; and especially to mourn together. On this day, we reincarnate the memory of a beloved husband, and outstanding father. Please guide him safely to your kingdom in Heaven, and let him watch over us, as yourself does.”

The chapel was surprisingly dark, and shards of light peeked through the multi-colored designs that decorated the room. Rows upon rows of benches were occupied to assure a final good-bye to a good man, family or friend. On the front row, smothered in a black tuxedo, rested the son of the departed, Max Izuma. His head was down, facial expression unknown due to the crystal shaped hair that wrapped over his face. Beside himself sat his mother, wife of the lost one, Ruby Izuma. Her emotions were clearly unstable, as sobs filled the room, echoes of her cries filling the damp empty spaces that noone dared comment on.

Moment by moment passed as the preacher continued his “holy” words. The light that broke the window panes was beginning to fade as the sun headed westward. Truly, it was quite a site, a shame that the others take it for granted over the unchangeable events that had recently occurred.

The Preacher finished up, advertising his church selfishly for weddings and funerals. The people stood up, swaying over the immediate family for an opportune moment to apologize for the loss, and share an old story.

“I’m so sorry that your father has died, Max. But he is in a better place now. I remember when...”
“Max, this must be a hard time. It reminds me of the time when your father and I were...”
“I can’t stand funerals, but I go to them anyways out of respect. I respect your father very much since he...”

Honestly, it was getting old, hearing the same thing over again without a chance to just tell them that he really didn’t care about what his dad had did with any of these strangers. Instead, he lost himself in his own thought, tuning out the malicious concerns. His mother bumped into him, and apologized, tears in her eyes still. He got up and walked through the crowd, ignoring their words and ignoring his dreaded mother who had once admittedly told him that his birth into the world was an accident.

On his way out, people tried to stop him and converse with him further. Besides, that’s what people normally did at funerals, right?

“You look exactly like your father. Did you know that?”
“You feeling okay, kid? You’ve got a lot of your fathers aspects in you. I expect a lot from you in the future.”
“Heart crushing, honestly, the way you just walked up here... It was exactly how your father would walk home from school when we went to High School together!”

Maxes heart skipped a beat in what was a mix of rage and confusion.

Nobody really cares about me, just about his dad. So, that being that, they try to raise him from the dead through me. Pathetic... I want to be my own person. Can’t they see that? No matter how much they wish it, father is dead. I am me, he is himself. Two different people–count them, TWO! I...

He thought about his train of thought for a moment, then finished himself.

I don’t care at all, about dad, this dysfunctional family, nor the hypocrites who claim to be my friend. I’m sick of it.

He decided it was best to get away from there from a while. Once he got to the front door, he dashed off down the road, unnoticed, uncared for. He wandered down the street agape, stopping every so often to catch his breath under the snow covered pines, inhaling the cold air. His tuxedo was soaked, his mind boggled. Reaching the city limits, he lay against a mammoth of a tree, gazing at the stars that he could see so clearly without all of the city lights clouding his view.

I feel so tiny. So used up. I’m tired, cold, and wet. Why did I come here..? Sorry, mom.

Just then a star shot across the sky, flashing like a rocket embracing his view warmly. It sparked his hope.

I want somebody, anybody, to know me for me and not a single other person. I want somebody who can understand my emotions completely without the use of petty words. Somebody heartwarming to thaw my frosted heart.

He headed home again, silent and slightly distraught.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Reaching his front yard, he noticed his moms car was still out. Possibly looking for him, or more likely drowning herself in a bottle or mug of alcohol. She only drank during the sad times, never the happy. Of course, when it was only me there, there were never happy times. He flipped on the T.V; channel four news.

I’m surprised the comet wasn’t mentioned... Strange. Perhaps they just can’t see it in the city?

Max relaxed, peeling his wet clothes off and prepared a fresh pair of boxers. It was just as they said, life was not a cut diamond, but a raw one ready to be shaped by its crafter at any given moment. He relaxed his muscles and fell asleep.

------------------------------------

Chapter One; Dreams are a Form of Reality, Too

Pale bland streaks of moonlight shined across the desolate field of brown grass. Dead grass. Max stood alone in it, staring at the moons luminous attempts to resurrect the weeds and shrubs that had become dull and tired. Leafless trees bordered the field heavily, and the sky had a maroon tint. Soggy clouds floated motionlessly on the dark horizon to complete the scene of a death long forgotten.

Where am I...?

He headed for a tree in the middle of the plain. It was the only thing with life. Unfortunately enough, the bridle leaves and stems were weak and fading. A single flower lie at the base of the tree, white petals with a honey colored middle. The scent of pollen was strong around it. Directly behind it, carved on the tree was a single word.

Basil. Basil? It’s a... name, then? Did somebody die here...? This place is unreal.

“Oh, Max, we had been expecting you for quite some time now. Did you happen to meet your resolve since then?”

A voice?! Out here?

Max turned about face to confront the mystery person. Nobody was there. Nobody but the dead lands calling from beyond. He turned back around, ignoring his sub-conscious that was warning him to flee. The air felt heavy around his neck. A stinging sensation began to grow above his scapula. He gripped it by reflex.

“Ow! What the heck d’ya do that for?”
Wait. There is nobody here. But what was that, then?
“You really are a special child, max. To even attempt to resist at this state...” the voice called again.

“I’m sorry, but have we met? I’m not too fond of the characters in my dreams.”
“Oh, it’s a shame. But I suppose this is partially all Basil’s fault! I’m glad she died.”
“So you aren’t Basil, then? Who are you? And while you’re at it, tell me how to wake up.”
“My, my, my... If you would observe the opposite side of the tree your memory might be pricked.”

Max walked around to the other side and glanced at the base. It was the same thing, yet the opposite. A flower lie at the base with a name carved on the tree. But it was a pitch black flower with a rose colored stem, and violet pollen that gave off an ominous scent. The name on the back of the tree spelt ‘Luna.’

“Luna, I presume, then?” Max inquired.
“Your guess would be correct, young one. You should join us. Your potential is as great as his was. It’s amazing, actually...”
“What do you mean, ‘join you?’ What are you? I supposed that this grave meant that you were dead.”
“Looks can be deceiving. What was firstly a grave marked the beginning of eternal life. The sweet tastes of infinite knowledge and unlimited experiences. I have been dead for five thousand years. And now, you finally have come...”

Max took a deep breath.
It’s nothing to worry about. This is a dream after all, right?
He stepped forward and rest against the side of the tree.

“Hey, if you’re here, then where is Basil?”
“That will be answered in due time.”
“Then, can you at least tell me if she is like you? Enjoying eternal life?”
“Infinite knowledge and experiences that rest within no boundaries are extraordinary, but eternal life is not what it is all led to be seen as. Humans only think that eternal life will bring them eternal health and happiness. But in reality, eternal life brings nothing but pain, and twice the amount of sad times as the enjoyable ones.”
“You’re avoiding my question. If you don’t want to answer, its fine. Just tell me that you don’t want to. I am a very accepting individual, you know.”
“No, it’s quite alright. Basil is the exact opposite of me, yet she is the same as me. But you could’ve guessed that already, right? Hey, before I answer your question, will you answer mine?”

“I suppose that depends on what it is. Go ahead, shoot.”
I feel relaxed here for some reason...

“What do you think of a world filled of angels, demons, and even devils and gods?”

“Excuse me..? I believe I misheard you.”
“No, you heard me correctly. Please answer honestly.”
“Do I have a choice? I believe the answer to this question is within what the public knows and what happens to the outside world.”
“Oh? You have connections with your community?”
“Not precisely. I severed all my ties with the community recently. I have none now. Or few, to say the least.”
“That’s good then. Allow me to fully introduce myself...”

The sky grew dark, and the clouds parted. The moon shook, while the waves of grass took the personality of an ocean enduring a storm. Black fog gathered before his eyes, no more than three feet away. The particles stuck to each other like glue, and shined multicolors forming an image. A young girl, dressed in black, at first. The picture was still unclear.

“I apologize for this on such short notice. You may find it surprising.” the figure said, still forming itself.

“Don’t flatter yourself. This is a dream, after all, don’t ya know?”

Luna chuckled. Her true self was visible now. She stood about five and a half feet, silk cloth covering her from neck to toe. A black leather hat fit her head, lying on a bed of purple, waist length hair. Her frame was charming, but strong. A strong sense of wisdom surrounded her.
“Ah, yes, and now let me show you...” she started.

She took her forefinger and stretched her lip back, revealing glossed, porcelain white, razor sharp fangs. She looked down at Max, her maroon eyes casting off all easy-going sensation. Max sat back, astounded.

“Ah, as you can tell, I am a vampire. To be more exact, I am the guardian of the Queen of the Vampires family branch in the ancestry of those Demons I was mentioning earlier. It is a full moon tonight, and I starve.”

“Does that mean your going to eat me? Or perhaps just suck a few pints of blood? Even if you did harm me, I would just wake up, good as new.”

Luna stepped closer, kneeling down.

Crap! I didn’t really think she was going to do it. I will feel the pain, the same way I felt the breeze when I first woke here...

She placed her head to the ground, bowing.

“Do not fret. I would sooner die than mistakenly drink the blood of our savior. We shall meet again soon.”
“Oh, is that so? You’ve intrigued me. I’ve never been the savior of anything.”
“You will see in due time... By the way, Max,”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Sometimes a dream itself is a form of reality. Keep that in mind... Be careful and stay safe.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Max awoke in his room, covered in sweat.
What a strange dream... wasn’t it?

-------------------------------------------------

Chapter Two; Basil

Max dressed himself in his Sunday set of cloths, a blue T-shirt and cargo shorts. He stepped through the house, nosing around the corners, making sure his mom wasn’t standing around any of them. The last thing he wanted at the moment was to see his mom thrashed and passed out on the floor, or worse, still hammered and prepared to take it out on him. He peeked into her room. She was passed out on the bed, face down, still fully dressed and reeking of alcohol.

Mom, you’re an idiot. You still have a child, so even if Dad is gone, you need to show up at work to make a living...

He shut the door silently behind him, and slid to the front door, hopping onto the front porch and admiring the sunlight as it clashed with his neighborhood.

I suppose I’ll eat out, for now. As if Mom is going to cook anything. How about some Ramen?

He tuck his hands into his pockets, feeling for his wallet, and pulled it out to check for cash. His fingers flipped through the pockets, able to scavenge just enough cash for lunch. He placed it back and headed down the street, towards town.

Flourishing green trees surrounded by shrubs and grasses passed his path. The ground was moist and the sky was cloudless and blue. Houses with peeling paint and crusty windows stood silently, watching the road. The shingles were wet, and the gutters were full.

I guess it rained last night. When? I didn’t notice a thing. I usually wake up during storms.

~*~*~*~

Reaching one of the towns side streets, Max turned sharply and walked to an outdoor restaurant. It was an oriental theme place, and it smelled like noodles and spices. Truthfully, if he ever had the time, Max would walk by simply to get a whiff of the multi-flavored air. He took out his wallet again, and set some money on the counter.

“Good day, I suppose I’ll have some Chicken Ramen, please,” Max stated.

The man just replied with a nod, and placed the order sheet on the kitchen window behind him. He took the money on the counter and placed it in the register. Max sat down near the exit gate and leaned back against his chair, closing his eyes and reminiscing about his recent dream.

A world of Angels and Demons, eh? Too much for me. I’ve got some crazy things in my head. But still, that was the most realistic dream I’ve ever had.

A chill ran down his spine, taking into his thoughts the unlikely probability that his dream had actually happened. Maybe not on Earth, but somewhere, happened. He felt a tug on his sleeve. Tilting his head, a young girl, the age of ten at the most, stood. She wore a white gown that seemed to sparkle, but only because of the sunlight. Her hair was a wintery silver, and her eyes a bright crystal blue.

“The name’s Basil!” she exclaimed, wearing a glittering smile.

“Basil? Do I know you? It’s an odd name. None the less, I’ve heard it somewhere before.” Max replied.

“You don’t remember? You know, the dream?”

Maxes eyes widened.

It couldn’t be. That was just a dream, but how does she know about it? And her name, could she be the other flower from that place under the tree?

“You’ve got a lot of questions, I’m sure. So let’s discuss them over lunch,” Basil offered.

The waiter brought Maxes soup, placing a napkin and two forks on his table. Basil climbed into the chair opposite of him and grabbed one of the silverware. Helping herself, she dug into the noodles and put them in her mouth.

“Those were mine, you know...” Max said.

“Sharing is good, right? He brought two forks anyways!”

“Whatever, I don’t mind. Mind if I begin my interrogation?”

“Go right ahead,” Basil ended.

Max took a fork and began eating some of the noodles, sticking a piece of chicken through the prongs occasionally.

“The dream,” He began, “Was it real? Did it actually happen?”

Basil nodded. “It happened in the midst of three different worlds.”

“Three worlds? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Let me explain. You live on earth, which is your reality. No doubt you’ve met Luna. That place is her world, created for her when she died so that she could have eternal life. That world was created inside a mans mind long ago, your ancestor, so to speak. When I died shortly after Luna long ago, they placed me into the same world. But then I began to repent for my sins during life and God placed me outside of that place, and into this reality. You follow thus far?”

Max nodded, but his head was spinning from it all.

“Alright then, allow me to continue,” Basil began again, “Luna is still stuck inside that world, which we call Lucretsia. That world exists as one of many inside of you, and you exist inside of a reality of many people, this earth. Luna bargained with the Devil to save her. Since she did not repent, God did not answer her pleas. The Devil, his power being limited, made her into a Demon and told her that if she manifested her Vampiric strength, she could get out on her own and take her place as the bodyguard of the Queen of the Vampire branch. Now, the reason for all of this taking place is because of that experiment long ago to place the consciousness of the dead into another persons mind. And prophecy states that when the blood is reincarnated, the ones inside can be free again. This being an exclusive ability inside of your, and only your, bloodstream, both Heaven and Hell have their eyes on you. That sure is a mouth full. The point is, ultimately, that I became an Angel that has been directed to persuade you to serve in Heaven, and Luna became a Vampire under orders to take you to Hell for good using either persuasion, bribe, or force.”

Max was silent. “That really is a lot to take in. How do I know its true, though, and your not just crazy?”

Basil grinned. “I was hoping to have an opportunity to show you this...” she began. She turned around in her seat and lifted the back of her shirt up. Powdery white wings folded around her back, from her shoulders all the way down to the backs of her knees.

Max sat in awe, unable to swallow his food. “All right, I’m convinced.” He gulped the last of his food, left a tip on the table, and stood up.

He turned his back toward basil in silence. “Is this all you have to say for today? My mom should wake up soon, and she would murder me if I’m not home. I’ve got no comment yet on wether or not I’m going to either side, I’d like to live in this reality a bit longer. So, if you don’t mind...”

“Not at all,” Basil replied. “But just so you know, you will have more dreams of that place, and maybe even others, and you will meet Luna again. I beg you, don’t let her bite you! If you let her do that, she can order you around to do whatever she wants. That won’t be good for us Angels.”

“Why is that?”

“You’ll find out soon,” she quickly said, and disappeared from her chair.

“What an odd, odd, day.”

------------------------------------------

Chapter Three; The Eden Bandits

The sun began to fall to the west as Max traveled along the gloomy city walkway. It was getting dark, and quickly too.

Maybe I’ll go see Dad before I go home. That would give me an alibi to be late if Mom caught me, anyways.

He switched directions and headed south of town, towards the graveyard, his fathers burial place. The constant word of that place was that ghouls made their home around the tombstones. It was the same with all graveyards. It had an iron rod gate, which for some reason was rusted and ancient. The tombstones were crumbling, and it was always dark overhead. The trees never flourished, and the grass neither decomposed nor grew. It was always lying there pitiful and dead. Everything about the environment there was rotten and hazardous.

It’s something I must do. I owe him for ditching the finale of his funeral.
Maxes head began to throb.

-Max, can you hear me? It’s Luna,- a faint voice said.

“You’re giving me a major headache. Hurry it up.” he replied bluntly.

-Since you're starting to awaken, and I’m a part of your conscience, I’ll be able to speak to you from now on. And of course you can speak back.-

“Got it. What do you want?”

-I’m getting a weird feeling about this place. I really don’t recommend staying very long.-

“It’s a graveyard. Everybody gets a weird feeling.”

-Not that, you dope. I’m a vampire. I don’t get the luxury of silly emotions like fear. It’s something other-worldly, if you catch my drift.-
Max put his palms against his temples. “Gotcha. Give me five minutes.”

He entered the sanctuary and, nearly tripping on the tumbling rocks, stepped down the stone-step entrance.

Izuma... Izuma...

He walked along the pathway until he found it, his fathers grave.

William Izuma. Flashy tomb.

The tombstone was made of ivory, with thick steel letters crafted on the front.

“Here Lies William Izuma.
Father and Husband.
1967-2009," Max read aloud.

He knelt down and clasped his hands together, collecting his thoughts and saying a quick prayer.

“Imbecile. Don’t speak so loud. You’re interrupting my sleep,” a voice rang.

Max spun around and averted his eyes to a gnarled tree beside the pathway. Bones were at the base. To be specific, human bones, complete with a cranium. Max fell backwards, trying to find the voice to scream or yell for help.

“Woah, there. Calm down. Kids these days have no respect for their elders, I swear it! Listen to me, boya,” the skeleton began again.

“Who are you?!” Max shouted finally.

“Don’t Interrupt Me! Where was I...?”

“Tell me who you are? Who’s pranking me?”

-Max, it’s Luna again. The source of that feeling is... I see you found it already. That pile of bones there is covered in nether-world energy. Don’t get too close.-

Don’t blame me! This is the first time a dead person–much less a skeleton– has spoken to me. Max replied.

“Ya gunna listen to me, boya?” the bones said.

Max Nodded.

As if I had another option.

“Good. Now listen up, people my age need their sleep. Don’t speak so loud. Nearly gave me a heart attack when I heard ya! I jumped right up, I did,” the skeleton stated.

“I wasn’t speaking loud... er... sir. I was praying, you see. My father died recently,” Max explained.

“Prayin’? That’s strange. Ol’ Theodor here heard ya as if you were shoutin’ in me ear.”

-Tell him this, Max. You’re the reincarnation of Lucretsia, which gives you an ability to speak to the dead when you pray.-

Max sighed, “I’m, uh, the reincarnation of Lucretsia. It, um, gives me the ability to speak to dead people when I’m praying.”

Theodor snickered. “Lucretsia? Boya, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m afraid Lucretsia is only a legend.”

“But it’s true! An angel talked to me today and I have a Vampire in my conscience!”

Theodor quickly stopped laughing. “If it be true what ya’ say, Boya, get out of here now. They did some outrageous things to the original holder of that power. Death’ll be on ya like flies on a rotten apple.”

“I have little to continue living for. And if I died, I would just go to the afterlife.”

Theodor nodded. “But if you die after that, you’re lost forever. Unless you’re a believer in Eden.”

“Eden? A person?”

The bones nodded again. “A shame if ya haven’t heard. Eden used to be big, especially before Lucretsia was created. Eden was a being that was both angel and demon. Now, Eden believed that those who died went to a greater heaven, where peace was eternal and you lived forever. Unfortunately for him, after the experiments, the ones that recreated conciousness and life altogether--also known as Luctretsia--were a success, many of the believers disbanded and protected Lucretsias beholder. But a group that remained faithful took up arms, famously known as The Eden Bandits, and assassinated that man, your ancestor. Shortly after, they burned all research documents and hunted down the scientists and archivers that worked on it.”

“My ancestor, hm? Then how was I descended from him if he was killed?”



“I’m gettin’ there, slow down. Upon being destroyed, the Lucretsia inside of your ancestor imploded and gave birth to a new lifeline, namely yours, which was taken in by Eden out of mercy. At the time, he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Nobody did. Named after his foster-parent, Ethen, the single beholder of Lucretsia attacked Eden and ran away, never to be heard from again. Nobody heard from Eden, either. So here we are, you with the awakening Lucretsia, and me, a bag of bones long dead.”

Max gripped his shoulder and relaxed. “How do you know all this if its only Legend?”

Theodor grinned again. “Simple, my grandfather was an Archiver assassinated by Eden. All that’s left now is legend, since it all happened so long ago, and nobody is even one-hundred percent sure it actually happened anymore. You get how long ago I’m talkin’ ‘bout? This is shortly after the dawn of man!”

Max laughed. “Alright, geezer. I’ve gotta get home. Do a good job of scarin’ the willies out of the other kids that pass by here,” he joked.

There was no reply. The bones were as solid and petrified as when he first came.

He’s gone?

-Yes. All of that conversation must have used up the remaining nether-world energy in his marrow. Don’t worry too much about it.-

You’ve got to work on not eves dropping. Or at least pretending not to.

Max walked back up the path, glancing back quickly at the already tarnished tombstone of his Dad.

Later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The smell of smoke filled the air as Max turned onto his street. Suddenly taking the needed action, he jumped behind one of the neighbors bushes.

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!

He tried to move his legs, and then to call out for help. He could do neither. His lungs were already sore from the smoke, and the long day had taken too much from his body. He had to watch silently as his house burned down. The crimson flames whipped in and out, scorching the branches of trees that hung over the shingles. Gazing closer, he could see activity on the rooftop. A tall man drowned in a jet black robe was ascending upward, straight through the roof. He appeared to have no face. Even as the florescent flames flicked all around him, his face remained hidden in constant shadow. Not only that, but he was lugging something at his side, like a leather suitcase. More likely, a body.

Mom...

-Max, It’s not a good time to be here. They’ve come already. If you remain here you will die. We can still rescue your mom later. That’s just her body. If she is indeed dead already, her spirit should be on the other side.- Luna remarked.

Which side? Max inquired grimly.

-Whichever suits her more.-

Oh, great.

Not to risk being captured, Max stepped around the other side of the house and sprinted down the street into darkness.

-The darkness holds many things, Max. None of them pleasing. Sorrow, pain, rage, insanity, and of course death. You’ll need to gamble with them all from now on if you want to survive. A bloody war is creeping closer, and we can’t avoid it. Since my full power hasn’t manifested yet, I can’t help you out there. I’ll need to give you some of my strength.-

It’s too late. Basil already told me not to let you bite me. I’d rather not be controlled.

-Oh, hush up. I don’t mean biting you. I’m talking about a Vampiric Contract. You’ll get half of my power until the contract is broken, and I will not be able to control you. Think about it, if I wanted you on my side, why on the stained red earth would I deceive you?-

A Vampiric Contract? I’ve never heard of it. It’s a heap of lies!

-That’s because you’ve never met a friendly Vampire like myself before. It’s real. But in order to activate it, you’ll need to fall asleep again, and enter Lucretsia once more.-

-------------------------------------------------

[End thus Far. Comment~ Be Merciful~ Hope you enjoyed everything up to this point~ There will be more soon~]

Capernicus
08-10-2007, 04:26 AM
I won't point out every error, just what affects understanding. And also I'll point out what I like.


Nobody really cares about me, just about his dad. So, that being that, they try to raise him from the dead through me. Pathetic... I want to be my own person. Can’t they see that? No matter how much they wish it, father is dead. I am me, he is himself. Two different people–count them, TWO! I...

I assume you are putting Max's thoughts in italics, that kind of thing should be noted at the beginning of the story with the rest of the authors notes. Also, a little slip up on the word I bolded.


Reaching his front yard, he noticed his moms car was still out. Possibly looking for him, or more likely drowning herself in a bottle or mug of alcohol. She only drank during the sad times, never the happy. Of course, when it was only me there, there were never happy times. He flipped on the T.V; channel four news.

Now, since you separated this paragraph and the one before it with a scene breaker, you should really state in this one who "he" is. It's not hard for the readers to assume you mean Max, but it does confuse slightly.


It was just as they said, life was not a cut diamond, but a raw one ready to be shaped by its crafter at any given moment.

I'm liking this comparison a lot.


Pale bland streaks of moonlight shined across the desolate field of brown grass. Dead grass. Max stood alone in it, staring at the moons luminous attempts to resurrect the weeds and shrubs that had become dull and tired. Leafless trees bordered the field heavily, and the sky had a maroon tint. Soggy clouds floated motionlessly on the dark horizon to complete the scene of a death long forgotten.

Liking that too, very descriptive.

I won't quote the dialoge that comes next, too much to quote, but I do like how you make Max's personality stick out. :3


Her frame was charming, but strong. A strong sense of wisdom surrounded her.

This is the most insightly part of your description of Luna. I think you should cut the rest down to only a minimal amount of details of her physical appearance. Just my opinion, it might fit the tone of the rest of this section better.


He stepped through the house, nosing around the corners, making sure his mom wasn’t standing around any of them. The last thing he wanted at the moment was to see his mom thrashed and passed out on the floor, or worse, still hammered and prepared to take it out on him.

More insight into Mrs. Izuna. Awesome. Great writting here too btw.


She wore a white gown that seemed to sparkle, but only because of the sunlight. Her hair was a wintery silver, and her eyes a bright crystal blue.

“The name’s Basil!” she exclaimed, wearing a glittering smile.

The fact that she exclaimed bothers me...you set her up as being majestic, but you contradicted that with her speech. It irks me. Please change it. ^^

(won't quote it but...) I don't like the way Basil explained the past. She did it all in one block of text. It overloads the readers quite a bit. Also, it doesn't make it a very interesting speech. I think you should break it up a little with details about how Basil says parts of it, Max's reactions, etc.


“But just so you know, you will have more dreams of that place, and maybe even others, and you will meet Luna again.

>.< Sentence hardly makes sense.


Don’t blame me! This is the first time a dead person–much less a skeleton– has spoken to me. Max replied.

This part confused me. It's italicized like Max's thoughts, but you also wrote "he replied". Is he replying to Luna in his thoughts, or is that a mistake?


Overall, you have a very confusing story and I don't think you did a very good job explaining everything. Events are happening way too fast, the reader doesn't have time to absorb what's going on. Try to slow the pace down. Also, work on that dialogue! Usually, they are separate paragraphs...meaning you need to put an empty line between each statement, or else it looks sloppy. The story is very unique, I don't know what you came up with it or what exactly is going on.

OH, and you are only supposed to post one chapter per thread. =/

Ichiro Matsuchani
08-10-2007, 08:34 PM
OH, and you are only supposed to post one chapter per thread. =/While this is true, I'm still debating whether I should separate them into different threads or not. >_>

As for your writing style, you seem to write fluently and express your thoughts clearly. With novels, though, you have to think about them on a larger scale. Most of the time this requires you to tell the reader what's happening elsewhere, behind the scenes, and far distances away from the main character to give a clear depiction of what's going on.

I won't go into a huge quoting frenzy like Caper, but I do agree that you need to drag out the events a tad longer, just to let things sink it.