View Full Version : Original Fiction: Living Forever

05-08-2007, 01:16 PM
Okay, I'm gonna give this a try.

Living Forever

He woke up next to her. It was nothing unusual, he had woken up next to this woman several times. It was the same internal bliss every time, as well. Every morning like this he couldn't help but admire the form of the sleeping beauty next to him. She was, even with her imperfections, his perfection. He traced her beauty with his eyes as she lay under the sheets once again before doing his best to slip out of the bed unnoticed.

He was stopped by a sigh and the sound of rustling bed covers. Halfway out, he turned around and smiled at her, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. He held it for a moment before pulling his lips back from hers. "Good morning."

She returned his smile with her own sensual smile. She was always aware of everything. No matter how he tried, he had yet to leave her side without her knowing it. And her innate sexuality was always there. It was in everything she did and everything she was, as inescapable as the sun rising to another day.

As he slipped out of the bed, she reached for the remote to her sound system and turned it on, the room filling with the dark sounds of Type O Negative's "Summer Girl." It was where they had stopped the cd last night, and it didn't hurt that it was one of her favorite songs. He knew she would lay there for a while, listening to several songs before she got out of bed. He had enough time for a shower. After all, nobody lives forever, so he might as well get started on his day.

************************************************** **

He had just finished cooking breakfast as she walked out of the hallway that connected the kitchen to the bedrooms. He was wearing the same pants he had worn to her house yesterday, while she had changed into a pair of shorts and a button-up top. Both were tight-fitting, black, and made of denim. Her top was also unbuttoned, revealing the black bra she wore underneath. She walked up to him and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, remarking "You always cook breakfast for me. I think you're taking our relationship too seriously, sweetheart."

He could only grin, "We both know that I'm always hungry in the morning and somehow I manage to leave enough for you." She laughed softly for a moment as she pulled a plate out and grabbed herself some breakfast. They both sat down and had a wordless breakfast. They didn't bother talking, it wasn't part of their relationship. They both told each other that they didn't have much to talk about. If only she knew how much he wanted to tell her...

************************************************** **

He left later that morning, wearing the clothes he had arrived in last night. As he drove back to his house, it was as if he had never left hers. She infected his thoughts, like a poison that was too good to resist. She was a drug, something he took because of his addiction to her. And every time it only made his urge stronger. He lit a cigarette as he drove, trying to will his mind away from her. The only thing that could cure his addiction, besides seeing her, was work. The cigarettes only nibbled away at the longing in his heart for her. But when he considered what he, they, did for a living; it wasn't what you woke up for.

Finally he reached his house. It wasn't a home, those were for happy families. His house was simply a place to keep his things and put his head down for a night before he moved on to something else the next day. He walked in the door only to be greeted by the emptiness of his life. He grabbed the remote to his sound system, the whole building soon filling with the sound of Lacuna Coil's "Our Truth", driving out the emptiness if only for a little while. He moved into his bedroom and turned on the monitor to his computer. Checking his email, his agent had a new job waiting for him. He jotted down the details and replied back to his agent, approving it and then he began to prepare for the tonight's tasking.

As he leaned back in his chair, he sighed, contemplating his method of earning a living. It was no ordinary 9 to 5, and it most definitely paid the bills...but was it really worth it? Was the money worth the forced loneliness, the less than occasional glimpses of humanity? Was it worth his soul? He sighed again, shaking his head free of the thoughts that were infecting his mind. He did what he did because it was what he was best at. He excelled at his profession, the top of his game. No reason to quit now. With that, he stood up and began preparing everything he would need for the night.

************************************************** **

He had just finished his duties for the night. As had been happening recently, he had a sick taste in his mouth after he was done. It wasn't the same anymore. No more thrills, no more fun. It was simply business now. He had gotten so good that it was no longer a challenge. He wasn't human in carrying out his deeds, he was simply a robot performing a task. He flipped open his phone, calling his agent and letting him know that he was done for the night. His agent congratulated him on a job well done and let him know that he would soon be paid. The man affirmed it and then closed the call, lighting up a cigarette as he closed his phone. Just before it went back into his pocket, it rang. He figured it was his agent, some last-minute job or something. He didn't bother checking the caller ID before answering, but what he heard nearly caused him to drop his phone.

It was her, and she had only screamed out his name before the phone was taken away from her, a man's voice replacing hers. "We knew we could get your attention. This is the deal, plain and simple: We want 10 million dollars cash or else your pretty partner gets a bullet in the head. Understand? Call me when you can get the money. We've got her phone now." The call was abruptly cut off. The man cursed, bringing up a number in his phone. He didn't like to talk to this person, but only they could help him out. As the voice on the other end answered, he cut them off; "I need a trace on a number right now. You'll get double the usual."

************************************************** **

The man surveyed the small house that his contact had given him. He called her phone and the mysterious man picked up, "Ah, have our money already? That was fast!"
"I called in a few favors. Where can I pick her up?"
The other voice laughed, "It won't be so easy, you see? You have to drop the money at an address, then after we receive payment and count it, we will release her at a certain location to be specified later."
"I don't like this, how do I know you won't just take my money and kill her?"
The voice laughed again, "Both of us are honorable businessmen. You have my word as a gentleman. But if you want, you can accompany the money and we will release her to you right there, completely unharmed."
"And you know who you are dealing with..."
"But of course, I'm no fool. I have made my own precautions. Now would you like to find out where to drop the money?"
"I have my pen out and waiting."

************************************************** **

The man had no problem sneaking up to the house. His surveys had revealed maybe 7 people in the house, only one of them female. And she was bound, a sure bet it was her. He crept up to the window of the room she was in. There were two others inside, presumably one was her captor. The man placed a small explosive charge at each corner of the window to the room. It was slow, precise work. Quick movements would be noticed by those inside. With them all set and armed, he engaged the timer. Counting down from 7 seconds, he sprinted out from the window, spun around, and rushed it. He jumped and kicked his feet forwards just as the small bombs went off, structurally fracturing the window milliseonds before his feet hit, breaking through.

He landed on his feet with two pistols in his hand, taking down the two gaurds quickly. Before she could thank him, he kicked the small room's door open, taking down another two oncoming enemies with pistol rounds before dropping the empty magazines from his pistol and reloading in a half-second. He heard more yelling from down the hall so that's where he went, akimbo pistols leading the way. Another man jumped into view, raising his assault rifle to his shoulder. He was stopped there by a bullet that landed in the middle of his skull. Behind the assassin, another man kicked open another door and shot towards him. The man dodged the bullets by diving forward and spinning around, landing several bullets into his attacker's chest, ripping it apart. Yet another came from around the corner. The man quickly shot him down as well, pistols empty again. He grabbed the dead man's pump-action shotgun, jumping up to his feet. That was all of them accounted for. He slung the shotgun over his shoulder and picked up his pistols, loading a fresh clip into each before holstering them. He gripped the shotgun again and cleared his way back to the room where she was kept. The two gaurds showed no signs of life.

With a grin, he surveyed the woman. She had a few bruises, probably from her struggle with her captors. Her hands were bound to the chair and so were. She was gagged by a handkerchief as well. Even in this pitiful sight, her beauty still amazed him. She was still in the same style as this morning, tight black clothes. A strand of her long black hair had escaped from the braid she normally wore her hair in. Her dark blue eyes gazed at him with a confidence that few women could manage in the same situation. He undid the kerchief from her mouth, and then unbound her feet.

"Sorry for the trouble, love." She said with a smirk. The man had to grin, "It was no problem. Are you hurt?"
She shook her head as he circled around and undid her hands, "Just a few bruises. I don't go down without a fight, you know."
"Figured as much. What say we rid ourselves of this place, my car is just outside."
"Sounds good to me, sweetheart." As she stood up, she pushed him out of the way as a last aggressor came around the corner. The bullets ment for the man impacted the woman's body in several places. As he had been pushed aside, he extended his arm towards his opponent, a .44 Magnum derringer popping into his hand. As his body landed sideways on the floor, the man let loose a shot that impacted center of mass, throwing the enemy against the wall and fatally wounding him. As he spoke, the man recognized the voice from the phone, "Should've got you for my father..."

The man jumped up and ran to the woman's side. She was bleeding bad, she would be dead in a few minutes. "You idiot! Why did you save me?!"
She coughed up blood, her hand slowly making it to the side of his face. He held her hand in hers against his skin, closing his eyes. Her voice was shallow as she spoke, "I never let you know my true feelings about you...it's not part of our relationship..."
His eyes opened wide at her statement, but she continued to speak, "I figure that since I'm done for, you might as well know my truth." And with a struggle against her weakening body, she pulled herself up and pressed a bloody kiss to his lips. She fell back to the floor, almost dead. He breathing was short and shallow.
The man caught a lone tear slipping from his eye, wiping it away before cradling her into his arms. She spoke again, "People don't live forever, anyways. It was fun while it lasted. Right, love?"
He pressed his own kiss to her mouth. "You will live forever," He placed her hand over his chest, "right here in my heart."
She managed one more weak yet sensual smile before she gave in, coughing and hacking blood before slowly going limp in his arms. Her eyes slowly glazed over in death as he pulled her body close to his once more, screaming out her name.

As the sound of sirens could be heard in the distance, his brain kicked into business mode once again. He slowly set her down and crossed her arms over her chest, standing up and wiping another tear from his eyes. He quickly ran to the bathroom, washing most of the blood from his hands with cold water. The stain still remained, however. He quickly grabbed his spent magazines, stuffing them into pouches on the outside of his holster made for them before exiting through the same window he had entered by. As he hit the ground he ran for several blocks before stopping at his car. He stripped his gear off and stashed it in the trunk, taking a pair of driving gloves from the driver's seat of the vehicle and donning them. Taking a circuitous route to where the police had cordoned the scene off and were now bringing the bodies out. He joined a crowd of onlookers, listening to their conversations. He made his way over near a pair of officers who were talking to each other.

"I tell you right now, Dan, this is the work of someone pretty messed up in the head."
"You ain't kiddin'. 7 guys plus that girl? He laid her down like she was already in a casket. Sicko probably enjoyed killing her. She was too beautiful to die, buddy."
"I'm going home and kissing my wife tonight, after this. Really makes you think about the ones you love, eh?"
"Same here, pal."

The man walked away shaking with hatred. Hatred for those who had kidnapped her, the man who had killed her, and most of all himself. He hated himself for getting her into this. If it weren't for him, she would still be alive today. He reached his car and slammed both fists into the hood. The man got in and started up the engine. He sped towards his house, moving quickly through the late-night traffic. As he entered his house he didn't waste any time getting a few clothes together, throwing them in a bag. Just as he was about to head out the door, someone knocked on it. He cautiously walked up to the door and saw it was two uniformed policemen. He opened the door, still wearing his driving gloves, "Can I help you, officers?"

They apologized for bothering him this late at night. They asked him a few questions, said that witnesses described a car that matched his had been seen near a crime scene. It was merely a routine inquiry, that was all. He gave them a story that he had been out at a downtown bar all night and had just gotten home. They asked him a few more questions before taking their leave. Before they left, they asked him about his job, one officer remarking that he had a nice home. "I actually quit today...I used to be corporate headhunter."
"Man, sure must pay nice."
"It's not worth it, no humanity in the job."
"Alright. We appreciate your time, sir. Once again, sorry for keeping you up.

After he closed the door, he opened his phone and dialed his agent. Before the man on the other end could greet the man, he was stopped short. "I quit." And with that, the man canceled the call and turned the phone off. He grabbed his bag and threw it into his car. Cranking the engine, he pulled out of his driveway and sped off into the night.

************************************************** **

Several years later, a businessman walked over to a lone grave near the back of a graveyard. It had a woman's name on it and a date, no epitaph. The businessman placed a lone rose on the grave, running his fingers across the name inscribed on a small headstone. He whispered softly to her, "You're still living forever, love." As he turned away he stopped. A beautiful woman smiled and nodded to him before placing a small bouquet as well.

"Did know my sister?" She asked. He nodded, still fairly awestruck. They looked almost exactly alike!
"That's wonderful. It was only a few family members at her funeral. I felt sad for her. She always did prefer loneliness, though."
He spoke softly to her, "Yes, she did. But in our line of work, loneliness was a part of the job."
"So were you business partners?"
The man shook his head slowly, looking down. "No, we simply met by accident one day. We had similar professions that brought us together."
"Oh..."The woman said in understanding. "Well I'm afraid I must be going now. It was a pleasure to meet you Mr..."
He gave her his real name, shaking her outstretched hand. "The pleasure is all mine." As the woman walked away, the man turned to the stone, "You never told me you had a sister." Above his head, the cloudy sky parted way to sunshine and blue sky. He imagined that to be her smile on him, telling him that it wasn't part of their relationship. Under the sunshine he walked over to his car. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out. It was his coworker.
"Yeah? Okay. Call them and let them know the good news. We're getting these kids off to a wonderful new life together, no reason to keep it to ourselves. Not too many people live forever, right? Okay, see you on Monday." He closed the phone and looked up into the sky, seeing her eyes in the beautiful blue day, "I hope this life was worth saving sweetheart."


05-10-2007, 09:57 PM
Not a bad start.

I can't quite say I like it. Reading it, I felt it's a little... generic. The writing itself is decent, but the pacing and plot were not thought out most carefully.

This seems like something that could - or should - be paced out into a few more parts, each part not being 3-4 paragraphs but more like 5-10. You mentioned the feelings the main character has for his ladyfriend, but all you did was dance around the subject without really addressing it. It's obvious they like each other, and even though you obviously wanted to portray that it's a bit of a neutral relationship the writing makes it seem very empty and weak.

Instead of:

"If only she knew how much he wanted to tell her..."


"If only he could allow himself to tell her everything he had to say. To tell her how beautiful he thought she was. To tell her how cute he thought her sneeze was."

And so on. Details! Not a necessity, useless without a decent skeleton (you have that, and a little more), but it sure does pump it up.

And as I said, I find the story a little generic. Too short. Her death a bit cheesy. Although I guess that can be added up to personal taste.

Definitely wouldn't mind seeing more from you in the future. :)