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Muffet
04-18-2007, 08:56 PM
This is my first fanfiction.. named Powerful Sakura. It is a romance type story, with adventure/action, Fantasy, and some sad parts to it. I hope you enjoy! ^^


Chapter 1: The Mysterious Twin

Hearing the rain hitting the window roughly. The piano played inside the castle. A noise coming from the door, it was someone knocking.

"Ma'am, ma'am! I've delivered some important items." The butler said.

"Come in Joice-san, please close the door when you come in." A Lady said quietly.

"Of course, madam. Here is the baby clothing you've been waiting for, for a month." Joice-san said in a excited voice.

Joice-san closed the door behind him, and walked over to the lady. Joice-san settled the items on the table and glanced at the lady.

"Have you thought of a name for her yet, Miss?" Joice-san questioned.

"A couple names, Joice. I was thinking of Kaira-San or Rayla-San." Smiled the Lady.

The lady got up from her chair and pointed at the window. "Look outside, it's so dead."

"I see, madam. Can I see the pictures you got from the hospital?" Joice-san grinned.

"Right over there, Joice-san." The lady pointed ontop of the piano.

Joice-san grabbed the pictures. He was very good at looking at the pictures from the Hospital. Joice-san saw something quite shocking. Joice-San looked around and kept things quiet. "The lady is having twins..?"

"Joice-san, is something wrong?" The lady questioned.

"um.. oh.. Nothing at all, ma'am." Joice-San said. "Well, I best be going now."

Joice-San ran out the door and bowed.

End of Chapter 1.

Chapter 2 is coming soon! Stay tuned! ;)

Mysti Queen
04-18-2007, 10:41 PM
It's kind of short but it sounds interesting. I love stories about romance and fantasy and tragedy so I'll keep reading and let you know what I think. So post soon, okay? :)

Opinionated
04-18-2007, 10:51 PM
This strikes me more as a prolouge than a chapter. Also, I can see no point in sticking "-san" onto absolutely every name. Forgive my lack of Japanophile spirit, but isn't "-san" a spoken suffix? So then why stick onto every name? It's not especially conductive to reading. You're a bit lax on descriptions. Is the room empty? Is it full? Is it decorated richly? Sparsely? Art deco? Mentioning that the room is large, nearly empty, and sparesly decorated would do a lot in setting mood.

Muffet
04-19-2007, 04:25 PM
This strikes me more as a prolouge than a chapter. Also, I can see no point in sticking "-san" onto absolutely every name. Forgive my lack of Japanophile spirit, but isn't "-san" a spoken suffix? So then why stick onto every name? It's not especially conductive to reading. You're a bit lax on descriptions. Is the room empty? Is it full? Is it decorated richly? Sparsely? Art deco? Mentioning that the room is large, nearly empty, and sparesly decorated would do a lot in setting mood.

Ah, of course. I'm so sorry, I'm still a beginner with this anime story so sorry to disappoint you. I'll try harder for the next chapter, and I'll make the chapter a bit long. Sorry for making the 1st chapter short!

Ωmega
04-19-2007, 04:31 PM
To add what Opinionated said, try using prefixes instead of constantly using thier names. Seeing Joice, Joice, Joice gets really annoying. Instead, try "the maid looked at the picture" "she stared out the window", stuff like that.
Also, if this person is high up, she wouldnt really be referring to her maid as "san" unless they were friends.

Mysti Queen
04-19-2007, 04:54 PM
Ah, of course. I'm so sorry, I'm still a beginner with this anime story so sorry to disappoint you. I'll try harder for the next chapter, and I'll make the chapter a bit long. Sorry for making the 1st chapter short!

it's okay. its not so easy. but i'm looking forward to the next chapter and i hope the critiques helped. :)

Capernicus
05-24-2007, 04:23 PM
Yeah...I second Op and Maaaaru. The constant repeating of names is a bit daunting, and the -san is just downright annoying. And I think it's even too short to be a prologue. oO

genericusername2
06-30-2007, 09:19 AM
With a bit of effort it could be more interesting. I two second with Op and Maaaaru.