Lyrics I wrote

[Rachael]

This might belong in the lyrics forum, but I think it belongs here because I'm asking the critique of those knowledgable in Japanese.

Basically, someone asked me to write some Japanese lyrics for some music they wrote. I plan on asking my old sensei about this some time, but until then, I need as much feedback as I can get.

I'm including the romaji, English translation, and kanji and kana, in that order.

Kami no chikara wa mou shinjirarenai
Tengoku mo chikyuu mo kowarete shimau
Yowasa wo kanjiru, kokoro no naka de
Dare no tame ni tatakau kashira

Yurushite yo, tokidoki jishin wo ushinau
Aa, shiawase wo mitsukeru to ii ne

Sukoshi no yuuki ga aru keredomo
Sore wa tariru no ka to omou
Sekai no tame ni tatakau naraba
Unmei wo kaerareru kashira


I can no longer believe in the power of the gods
Heaven and Earth are breaking apart
I feel weakness inside my heart
Who am I fighting for?

Forgive me, sometimes I lose faith in myself
Ah, I hope I can find happiness

I have a little bit of courage, but
"Is that enough?" I ask
If I fight for the sake of the world
Will I be able to change fate?


神の力はもう信じられない
天国も地球も壊れてしまう
弱さを感じる、心の中で
誰のために戦うかしら

許してよ、時々自信を失う
ああ、幸せを見つけるといいね

すこしの勇気があるけれども
それは足りるのかと思う
世界のために戦うならば
運命を変えられるかしら

[Lunafreya Fleuret]

...I don't think that belongs there. Ask Myrra if need be.

[djhjr]

My opinion that this does belong here because this a translation TO Japanese as oppose to translating FROM Japanese. At least, I have a question about translating the sense of "can" as seen in the first line of the first stanza.

"I can no longer believe in the power of the gods" seems to me to either have the meaning of "I no longer believe..." or "I no longer have the ability to believe..."

If it is "I no longer believe...", would that not be in the Negative Present Progressive form: "shinjitte nai"?

(pardon the romaji -- can't do hiragana/katakana on computer)

My second question is in the second line. For "...are breaking apart" should it be the Present Progressive Form: "kowarete iru" ?

Looking for enlightenment. Thank you.

[MistressPookyChan]

I'll allow it here. Go ahead and help with translating. :)

[Tobikatou]

The comparison between 天国 and 地球 sounds strange for me, because they are normally understood as "heaven" and "globe", not "earth". But then, how about 天国 and 大地? it still sounds a bit strange for me. The generally-accepted comparisons in Japan are 天国 and 地獄(Heaven and Hell) and 空/天空 and 大地/地上(Sky and Earth).

If djhjr's idea is correct, Japanese translation becomes, i think, "もう信じない". The difference between "もう信じない" and "もう信じていない" is that the former includes intention or will.

見つけるといいね should be 見つけられるといいね.

すこしの勇気があるけれど may should be 少しの勇気はあるけれど. "は" sounds more natural for me. because... I can't explain well. This is one of the most delicate points in Japanese language.

I don't interfere in the way of speaking because it affects the poem itself.

[royal_ken]

Dare no tame ni tatakau kashira -> dare no tame ni tatakau no kashira
[That phrase doesn't sound right without the "no"]


Aa, shiawase wo mitsukeru to ii ne
Ah, I hope I can find happiness
["to ii ne" sounds as though it's a statement towards someone else ie. It would be nice if I can find happiness]


Sukoshi no yuuki ga aru keredomo
I have a little bit of courage, but
[If you want the meaning in English, the Japanese phrase would be more like "sukoshi shika yuuki ga nai keredo"]


Suggestion: tengoku to chikyuu -> ten to chi


Finally, if you add "kashira" at the end of the phrase it sounds like a woman speaking. If that's not the impression you want, you could change it to something else.