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Evofragment
03-29-2007, 12:25 AM
[EDIT]I don't know how do indent on the forums, so I just left a blank line between paragraphs. Not as pretty in my opinion, but it serves the same purpose.

I've been slowly developing this story, some on paper but most in my head. It's been a few years in progress and I have a whole load of ideas for the plot, especially for the last 25% or so. My huge problem, however, is that I cannot seem to write a suitable beginning. I just don't know where to start.

I recently made another effort, and while not excellent, it's far better than what I've come up with before. (I've a good 30-40 pages of scrapped prologues, all completely different.) Soo, here it is for your enjoyment, or perhaps misery. I just need a second opinion. If I get a generally positive response, I'll keep writing. If not, I might keep writing anyway, but I'm allready thinking of starting over.

This is roughly 7 pages if copied into an actual book. (I used Kushiel's Dart to measure the amount of characters per page.) I plan on this being a full novel length story, divided into 3 parts. If things go really well, each part will be a nice long novel, but for now I plan on all 3 combining as a single book. This is just the prologue, so tell me if it makes you want to read more or not.

Thank you for taking the time to give me your opinion, and I won't blame you if you don't. Without any further hesitation, let me present to you the prologue of part one of three!


http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g228/valk9/woglindebannerelysium.gif

"Breathing?...Who's there? No..." Woglinde opened her eyes, revealing absolute darkness. "Where...how did I?" She sat up, feeling cold, damp, stone beneath her. "The breathing was my own...", she thought to herself, relieved. She stared off into the calignosity that was the room before her, seeing nothing. Humid, recycled air blanketed her, warm yet hard to breathe. She listened...absolute silence. It was relaxing. Her eyes had begun to adjust, enabling her to see parts of the walls, but nothing significant. "Now I remember..." she thought to herself. "But...if I'm to go out, I'll need clothing. I'll die like this." Suddenly, an awful malodor traveled through the room. She collapsed to the ground, gasping and holding her head. The last of her forgotten memories from the night before came violently rushing back to her in a relentless torrent.

There she stood, next to another woman, a friend. They were both unclothed, under inspection by two shadowy figures who's appearance was hazy at best in her memory. "This one has the mark." stated one of the figures in an authoritative male voice, pointing to a tattoo on Woglinde, one of many. The one of particular interest to the man happened to be a small abstract figure beneath her right eye.

"She is sure to be one of which they're looking for.", stated the other figure in a less authoritative voice. He sounded playful, creepy, and a little bit insane.

"What is your name?", asked the more authoritative figure.

"...Woglinde." she reluctantly answered.

"Yes, she is surely what we've been looking for.", stated the insane man, as Woglinde had allready begun to think of him. "However, this one has no marks of any kind.", the insane man continued, referring to the other woman. "What is your name?", he asked her.

"Anah...", she replied, her voice trembling. "Anah-su-nan."

"Pretty name...", the authoritative man thought aloud. He stood silent for a moment, thinking. "...She's useless to us, dispose of her." He turned and walked off. The insane man, without hesitation or any sign of remorse, or emotion for that matter, pulled out a small black dart and impaled Anah through the throat.

"Nai!" Woglinde shouted as guards held her back. She fought with all her strength, but could only watch as Anah fell to the floor, on her back, drowning in her own blood, holding out her hand for help...

"Nai!" Woglinde cried again, jolting back into a sitting position, glistening with a cold sweat. She was in the dark room again. "I...must have passed out." she thought to herself.

The awful smell was still there, stronger than before. She now had an idea of what it could be, but prayed she was wrong. On her knees, she felt her way through the dark, following the smell. After a moment, her hand brushed against what felt like cold skin. She recognized it as the shape of a person, and felt her way up. Her thoughts were confirmed when she felt something on the neck, dried blood...and the dart that let it out.

Woglinde laid her head on Anah's stomach, a single tear rolling over her cheek as she contemplated the situation. How had she gotten here? Where was "here"? All she could remember was a brief glimpse of the outside, of snow, and then this room. Who were these people, and why did they need her? Why didn't they need Anah?

Her thoughts filled her with so many emotions. Sadness, anger, confusion...it all intensified, making her feel as though one more incident, however small, would cause her to explode. She wept, but no amount of tears could release what she felt.

Footsteps...She sat up, listening. They seemed to be coming from outside her door, and coming nearer. She knew it was one of her captors, and instantly developed an indescribable loathing for whoever it may be, directing her emotions towards them. Whoever it was began to talk to themselves.

"I'm glad they killed that woman. Stabbed her right through the throat, ha! I hope she suffered, a quick death is too kind for one of them. I'd like to kill the other one myself, but apparently they want something with her. Hehe, I'll just be patient. The time will come, and I'll kill her as slowly and painfully as I possibly can."

At this, Woglinde snapped. Rage overpowered any other emotion, and adrenaline surged through her body. Now was her time to escape, if not for her own sake then for Anah. She pulled the dart out of Anah's throat, ignoring the sickening sound, and stood up facing towards the sound of the footsteps. Her eyes had begun to adjust to the dark, allowing her to make out the shape of a door.

She stood there, staring, waiting, loathing. Her head was tilted down, the dart in her hand, hair hanging partially in her face. Her eyes were filled with anger, looking up towards the door, showing no sign that she ever had, or ever could, love anything. Rage and adrenaline had taken over.

The door opened slowly, and a man walked in, wearing a cloak. It resembled that of the men who killed Anah, but was slightly more ragged. He looked to be about an average 37 year old man. He looked at Woglinde. "Come with me." he commanded.

Woglinde didn't say a word, didn't even move. She stood her ground, roughly in the center of the small cell, partially shrouded in the dark, staring into the man's eyes with a look that could frighten a demon.

"What's your problem? I said come here!" the man commanded, obviously frustrated. "What are you, broken? You had best obey me, else you end up like this." He nudged Anah's body with his foot.

Woglinde began walking towards the man, her head still tilted down, her eyes maintaining the same look of pure hatred. The man backed up, not sure whether to be afraid or not, when he saw the dart in her hand. He reached for his dagger, but Woglinde swung at him with her fist, knocking him out into the hallway, onto the floor, his dagger clattering away.

She was stunned for a second, the hallway was strange to her. It was made of metal. Shiny, clean, metal. It was a low hallway, with an arched ceiling. Cool blue-white lights lined the upper area of the wall. It appeared very industrial, as one might imagine some kind of facility dealing with advanced biochemistry or nuclear weapons.

There was no time to worry now though. Woglinde walked quickly and confidently towards the man, who was still lieing on the ground. She kicked him in the side and he rolled a ways down the hallway. He scrambled to get to his feet, but Woglinde grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him up against the wall, holding him there. Letting go with one hand, she took the dart and impaled him through the throat, as had happened to Anah.

She held on to the dart, but left it in him, still holding him up against the wall with her other hand. The man stared in disbelief, as she gazed coldly at him, showing no emotion, just as the insane man had done.

The man tried to speak, but could only cough up blood. Woglinde stared into is eyes, still with that look of rage, as if staring into his soul and tearing it apart with her mind. The man kicked her in the stomach in a weak attempt at escape.

"Eis ko zshen di escht shi aowt." Woglinde hissed, stressing each word and uttering it with a strong underlying hatred. She then twisted the dart, causing the man to emit sounds of extreme pain, and threw him to the floor. After watching him stuggle weakly in a growing pool of blood for a moment, she took the clean part of his cloak and ran. The remnants were too small however, fitting more like a towel or decorative blanket, but it was all she had.

Woglinde hadn't the slightest idea of which way was out, and ran blindly throughout the complex. Every hallway looked the same. Some had glass walls however, with equipment and paper in the revealed rooms, indicating some kind of active project going on. She didn't have time to stop and look though, all she could do was run...and hope.

The cool blue-white lights turned to red. They flashed repeatedly, and an alarm sounded. "What is this?", Woglinde wondered, frightened. Two men came around the corner, wearing dark, simple looking armor, which lacked helmets. Rather than swords, however, they drew pistols.

"Firearms!? I've heard of such technology, but,not from where I...Exactly how far have they taken me?" Woglinde was now more worried than ever, and began to sprint, gunfire ricocheting off of the narrow walls.

"Get her, she's definitley the one that escaped!" the guards yelled, shooting more as Woglinde turned a corner.

Fear took over, and she snapped out of her rage. She looked at herself in the reflection of a window as she ran by, noticing that she was covered in fresh blood. The blood of the man she had killed. It filled her with a strange feeling, one she had never felt. "I can't dwell on this now. I need to survive, and think things over when I reach a safer place."

Her feelings of guilt, sorrow, and fear began to overtake her now. So many things to think about, she decided not to think of any of it. She just sprinted through the hallways, the maze. Turn after turn, gunfire around her, alarms blaring, lights flashing, guards shouting orders. She ran, faster than she ever thought she could.

Just as she was losing any hope of escaping, she came across a ladder. She climbed it, up into a vertical tunnel. Higher and higher she climbed, until she reached a round hatch above her head. Looking down, she noticed the guards had just found the ladder. Quickly, she forced the metal hatch open, and was welcomed with a blast of cold wind and snow. Guards fired up into the tunnel, and she climbed out, shutting the hatch, leaving the chaos behind.

Standing up, she saw she was on fairly flat ground, covered in ice and snow. There was a blizzard, making it difficult to see more than 3 feet in front of her. The sky was grey, and as far as she could could tell she was in the middle of nowhere, the only sign of civilization being the hatch. Wind whipped through her hair and the thin robe, she was freezing allready. Never before had she felt so vulnerable.

There was a clanging sound, and the hatch moved. "The guards...", she thought, and took off in a blind sprint into the unknown. She ran, allready losing sight of the hatch. Every direction looked exactly the same, as though she were lost at sea. She ran anyway, not knowing what else to do anymore.

A red beam flashed by her, and she looked back to see it focused on her leg. Before she had time to react, a bullet tore through the back of her knee, and a loud shot sounded from somewhere behind her. She gasped in pain, stumbling as blood spattered onto the snow. Through pure adrenaline, she managed to continue at a limping run for a good 3 minutes, before stopping and falling to the ground. She had evaded the guards, at least for now.

Her vision blurred in and out of focus. She felt dizzy and a bit nauseous. After sitting for a moment, she finally noticed how cold she really was. Her hands and arms were blue, and she made a futile attempt to cover herself with the small robe for warmth. The very air around her was frozen, an ice fog that engulfed her and meant to eat her alive. She began to crawl, her leg wound still bleeding, the red contrasting greatly with the white. Consciousness was slipping away, but she held on.

Then, through the snow, ice, and fog, Woglinde saw something...someone! I small girl stood there, looking to be around 11 years old, perhaps a bit younger. Her skin was pale, and her long hair flowing with the wind was as white as the snow. She just stood, facing away, looking as though she were gazing towards something immense, perhaps the end of the world, Woglinde imagined. The girl turned to face Woglinde, a look of deep sorrow in her features.

"Tell him my name. Tell him...I am fine." Woglinde told the girl, struggling to hang on to what little life remained in her failing body. The girl nodded a slow nod of understanding, her face content now, and turned away again. Woglinde rolled onto her back, and gazed through the swirling snow into the grey sky. She closed her eyes and relaxed, a faint smile on her face, and allowed death to take her away...

DaSOCOM
03-30-2007, 01:59 PM
Wow...pretty good story. A lot of descriptive details relating to Woglinde's emotions. A definite must-read!

Peace!
DaSOCOM