View Full Version : Original Fiction: Cthulhu for President

07-21-2006, 09:33 PM
News from Washington tonight: An independent candidate has stepped into the presidential running. His name is Cthulhu, and he's running from the Elder Party. He made this speech immediately following the announcement:

"For centuries, I've seen this great nation held back from it's ultimate power by poor leadership from hopeless meatsacks. The idiocies of former offices shall not be repeated. I will do all in my extensive power to correctly lead America to great and glorious victories in all fields. This nation is ruled by politicians who lie to you by saying that they're not evil. I, on the other hand, openly admit that I am evil."

When asked whether he was Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservitive, ect., he had this to say:

"Neither. Both are masses of idiots who's only use would be in fulfilling one of my meals. I represent a group of like-minded entities, the Elder Party."

After saying this, the reporters began questioning him on his views on various issues concerning political officials.

Global Warming:

"I have lived for millions of years, many spent on this lump of rocks, and have a greater intellect than your greatest minds combined. I believe I have the authoritive word on this subject, and have this to say: The Earth is not heating up due to any gasses you've released."

National Security:

"I will institute a policy beautiful in it's simplicity and effectiveness. I shall simply devour any who threaten my nation."

Same-sex marriage:

"I grew up amoung entities of many sexualities, hetero, homo, bi, tri, a, and some that have no comparison in your weak language. As for humans, disregard whatever evolutionary designs you want, you'll still taste like a human."


"So long as there is another generation produced that lives to breeding age, I care not what you do to your young. Kill them if you wish, it seems certainly fitting after I ate my mother immedeately after birth."

The economy:

"Don't worry, I have a plan in motion to increase the number of jobs on the market, reduce our national debt, and which, by sheer coincidence, also includes providing me with a stable meal plan."

Cthulhu declined to answer further questions, and left the press conference. Political analysts have stated that jumping immedeatly into politics may have a positive effect on his standing, aided by his honest admission of being evil extraordinarily simple plans to handle government problems.

Jason Gettspadfardis had this to say about his policies:

"He's doing what people have wanted from their candidates from years. He regards everyone as equal, and feels completely free to let them be themselves. Underneath that cruel face is a mind that sees every human as equal."
However, his support is not unaminous:

"Have you listened to him? His plans mainly involve eating his oppisition! How do we know this isn't the beginnings of a despotism?"
His main oppisistion, Flying Spahgetti Monster and Invisible Pink Unicorn have yet to respond to his challenge.

07-21-2006, 09:41 PM
I don't know. Invisable Pink Unicorn made a good point.

What is his veiw on miniskirts?

Funny story Op.


07-21-2006, 09:45 PM
Don't worry, he'll have plenty of time to form one, since I'm planning on making this a series.

07-21-2006, 09:45 PM
I would have to disagree with the Global Warming section. All of the Gases are being contained in the Atmosphere and the O-zone layer, Wouldn't that cause the GreenHouse effect for everything to heat up, Every year, the Polar Ice Caps are slowly melting. Seeing parts of all of the islands around the world are sinking from 1 - 3 centimeters a year, the water is rising.

And with the Economy section, It doesn't matter how many jobs there are available, it is also by the amount a person earns for each hour they work and the amount of hours they work.

With National Security, He makes it seem so simple, There has been wars that aren't even over yet. does't matter where you live, what should matter is how a person should solve this and end this quickly without violence. it should just be handled very civilized.

Everything else I strongly agree with.

07-21-2006, 10:00 PM
Well all I can say is I look forward to reading this serious. I'm sure it will be filled with good (and some rude) humor. Don't forget to add scandel...like him slepping with his secretary or something like the Watergate Scandel.

07-22-2006, 02:56 PM
DarkPrince, this isn't political debate, it is a story. I would advise you to keep your political views out of the fanfiction forum, and out of a thread that is merely a story, not a debate thread.

07-23-2006, 10:16 PM
Dark, seriously, you need to study up some more on global warming. It makes me sad that you're really that ignorant to believe something of such a small, small magnitude. However, this isn't a political debate, as Ai said.

Opinion, funny story. I highly approve. =D

07-23-2006, 10:36 PM
Ah, Matt, you should see chapter two. It has some good old hobo eating.

Good job Op.