View Full Version : Original Fiction: Undead: Chap1, We exsist, you just don't see us... Untill now.

Demonic Ice Dragon
07-18-2006, 08:45 AM
Anyway. So I'm sitting here, right? Right. And like... I start feeling like "I wanna write somethin'." right? And then like. I came up with the perfect thing to write! A Vampire story! Let's see. All characters are copyright by me cause I freaking say so, and if any of you even remotely try and take my idea I skin you alive, kay? Kay. :D O'kay now. So like. Here's the dealio.

You read it.
You like it you can comment. (Rep wouldn't hurt either ^-^)
If you don't like it. Don't reply period.
Grammar sucks abit. Deal with it. I hear one complaint of it, and I keel you with my almighty keellin' powers. <3

Kay. Here it is.

Soft lift of the morning sun poured into an off white painted room. In that room was a simple setting. A bed with darker blue sheets and comforters, a brown dresser, a desk, a computer, and a perfectly taken care of leather chair. Alot more laid around the room, posters, and clothes. Many more things. Back in the bed, sheets ruffled, and comforters rustled as the tall elegant form of a young mane emerged from the covers. A slightly tanned, but more less pale hand reached up brushing a few strands of darkened hair out of his eyes. Stormy grey orbs shimmered softly as a yawn passed his lips.

Saturday morning... I have to meet Kimikaru...

Thoughts echoed through out his mind as he pushed out a heavy sigh falling back down in bed. Bare chest exposed to the cool air in the room, legs ruffled under the blankets as he kicked them off in a swift motion. This reiveled the young man who was particially bare. Boxers covering his lower half, he pushed himself up in the bed quietly. Swinging his leg off the side of the bed, socks met carpets as he heaved himself up. What a morning; waking up at eight, and having to be at the Library by nine. Oh how wonderful his life could be, right? A compleat sarcastic statement really.

Still standing in his spot he gave another sigh letting his hand brush across his stomach itching it lightly. Faint signs of abs showed up alone the pale flesh. Leaning down grabbing a random pair of jeans from the floor. He shook them off and slid them on with ease. Running his fingers trhough his hair he grabbed a white button up shirt from the edge of his bed and slipped it over his arms. Quickly buttoning it up, he ran his fingers through his hair and slipped on a pair of sneakers over his socks. After his "quick fix" he rushed out the door. Running for the library, the track runner had quite the speed for such. Comming to a stop at a main street, he leaned over abit, eight blocks he had ran straight with out stopping. Looking over down an ally, he furrowed his brows.

Quite the odd, yet... most beautiful thing he had every seen breached his stormy hues. A girl, standing at about 5'7 allowed his towering 6'5 to over look her quite abit. Long black hair cascading down to the center of her back. A few streaks coloured light blue and snow white started from the center of her cranium cascading down. Pale, almost white flesh allowed elegant features to hold beautifully over the pale skin. Icy blue optics watched the boy from a far. Thing of it all was, another one, a male stood by her in the ally. Black tank top claimed the females upper form while a short black pleated mini-skirt claimed from the waist down a few inches past her thigh. Not much to cover, but, it was of that for good reason. The man had long black hair cascading down to his lower back. Abit hung down into his own gold coloured hues. Long black trench hung down to his ankles as he watched the boy a moment. Narrowing his eyes he turned back to the female being and began conversing once more.

Female kept her attention on the one in the light for a moment, her iris dialating a moment almost like a reptile as she gave a grin. Boy gave a slight gasp, very freak out by such, he would turn giving a loud yelp as a boy grabbed onto his shoulder, "Gen! What's your problem?" Kimikaru exclaimed curiously, blinking abit. Gen looked down into the ally, and suprisingly... Both figures were gone.

07-18-2006, 09:25 PM
That was good Cuh-laire. As you are already aware I would like you to work on your grammer and spelling. I look forward to reading another chapter.

07-18-2006, 09:40 PM
There is such a thing as being too descriptive. Try to tell more of a story, than pulling a steven king.

Example, you're talking about a guy in a room, and you describe a little bit of the room, and then you go "And then there was the portrait of a sail boat on the wall, it was a beautiful painting and it had great colors in blues and reds... it was a boat on the ocean as the sun set."

and then the painting had nothing to do with the rest of the story. You can write a great story without going into great detail. You're detailing too much in my opinon.

Demonic Ice Dragon
07-18-2006, 09:56 PM
Capo, I already mentioned grammar and what not would suck considering I wrote this at five in the morning. Give me alittle slack. >_>

Ai, I read over it, I am to descriptive... w.w; The next chapters I'm writing won't be as descriptive... Thanks for the advice. ^-^

07-18-2006, 10:08 PM
I think you did a good job at discribing the imagery. I would have liked a bit more flow to it though at some parts. But I know it's hard to write stroies, being a writer my self. Then again I have read books like you have done and the book selled very well. So it may be perfurance in diferance by two differnedt types of writes if you know what I mean. Though, I find it hard to write down what I want to write. That's why I often get my sister to write it for me or help me (a lot.. bad at gramer and spalling). I would like to hear another story sometime so please write another.