View Full Version : Original Fiction: School Crush Part 1

Sakura Holic
07-11-2006, 06:51 PM
"Hey there!" a girl called me.
"What's your name?" the asian looking girl asked me.
"My name is Vicky..." I blushed. Shy. A little embarassed..
"Nice to meet you Vicky! My name is Sarah!" the girl greeted. "And this is Brianna!"
"Hello." spoke Brianna.
"Hello." I spoke lightly.
Forth week of school. And I've meet 2 friends. I was an 8th grader. And new to the school. Teachers where nice, and others also..
The bell rang. It's time for lunch. Sarah and Brianna took me to lunch. We had Pork Adobo...
I sat on the table with even more friends...friends I have never meet still.
"Everyone! This is Vicky. Vicky, this is Chelse, Rebeca, Janis, Rosalind, Renee, and Sarah Ahn." Sarah greeted.
They all said hi hello ect ect..
"Wait...2 Sarah's?" I asked in surprise.
"That is Sarah Lee. This is Sarah Ahn." Chelse spoke and points to Sarah Ahn with short wavy red/brown hair.
"Oh..I see."
"Well everybody! Dig in! Or else me and Rosalind is going to eat your lunch!" Rebeca yelled.
Everyone started to eat. But not me... The pork adobo looks bad...
"Is this even suposed to be pork adobo?" I asked.
"It is..but they make it look wierd...but it taste good." Sarah ahn said with a few rice in her mouth chewing.
"well...ok.." I took a bite and it taste alright...not wonderful or anything...but...its just..ok.
After lunch, we head out to the shade. We talked about...stuff...xD
"So..find anyone you like yet?" asked Sarah Lee.
"You know..a crush." she answered my huh question.
"Oh! um...." I looked at the ground..frozzen.
"Well?" Sarah cant wait. So I answered.
"This guy in our advisory...with glasses..."
"You mean Edward?"
"Is that his name?" I asked.
Sarah pointed to a guy, standing in the corner...with Jacky...another friend of mine I've meet in advisory. He had glasses, wearing blue shirt and baggy jeans with athletic shoes. Asian looking.
"Is that him?" Sarah asked.
"Yea..." I blushed...pink and looked away.
"Yep! that's edward! Great choice." Sarah gave me a thumbs up.
"Promise you wont tell anyone?" I beg.
"I like Daniel Hahn. Right there." she points to the guy. Tall like a highschool person. Asian looking. Baggy jeans. Has a jacket over.
"I see. Good luck." I said.
"And Brianna likes Micheal Choe." She points to the tall guy, just as tall as Daniel but even taller. Korean looking, wearing shorts, black sheos and a white shirt.
I laughed.
The bell rang, and we head to our advisory again. Along the way, I saw my secret crush, Edward.
I can go on and on about him. But, Im not going to explain that.
My first original fiction. Hope its ok. Enjoy~

07-11-2006, 07:33 PM
This is very interesting, I hope to read more! Oh! PM me with the rest, I love this! _Sakura_

Sakura Holic
07-11-2006, 07:39 PM
Thanks Akainu.
I didnt expect you to read my story. <3
And Don't worry. I'll PM you. Thanks a bunch. <3

07-11-2006, 07:41 PM
Yay! Thank you! (huge hug) xD

Sakura Holic
07-11-2006, 08:35 PM
Part II is comming up. Im posting it Soon. Hope its ok.. like I said...
< <

07-11-2006, 08:46 PM
I see you've changed your username, well you do have some spelling errors, but hey who doesn't. I think it's great for your first OFF, great job keep writing you've captivated my attention.

Sakura Holic
07-11-2006, 08:58 PM
eek! Spelling errors...I'll fix it. If I can see them. The words are all in a blob...
Thanks Daimasuki. I really apreciate the comment and for letting me know that there are spelling errors.

07-12-2006, 01:45 AM
Hmmm.....I think yopu relied on dialogue a little too much. You could do with some more descriptions I think. *goes off to read part 2*

07-19-2006, 05:59 AM

i really like it i cant wait to read more of it

Ayame x

Demonic Ice Dragon
07-19-2006, 06:19 AM
I like it, it's pretty good. I won't hassle you for spelling or gramar errors considering my latest peice I posted has so many of them. X3 (I wrote it at five AM mind you.).

Anyways, yeah, and, just a suggestion, but do you think you could try and write it in paragraph form instead of having each line parted. It makes it easier to read. x.X;

Besides that. I liked it. ^-^

07-19-2006, 10:54 PM
I agree with focusing on too much of what is being said and not enough on what's going on while they say it.

But it was very lovely.

07-27-2006, 09:34 PM
Hmm...(anime sweatdrop forms)
I hate to seem...critical. But here is a suggestion...
It has too many 'bumps'. When you read it, it makes you continuously knock your eyeballs everywhichway. I suggest putting a great deal of detail, and maybe a little...uhh...what's the word? XD...Make it flow.

I like the idea, but it could use more work. But with this potential, you should be able to create a masterpiece. If you need anymore suggestion/help/just talk, feel free to PM me.


07-29-2006, 10:16 PM
original fiction? dang!! i thought its real!!

a nice one. well too bad its fiction

Sakura Holic
07-30-2006, 01:54 PM
It is reall. It was based on a true story tria. ^ ^
Thanks for reading my story.

08-05-2006, 02:23 PM
i liked it a lot. although there are a few spelling and layout errors. you captured my attention right away. (scuttles off to read part two) ^_^

08-05-2006, 03:52 PM
Awww, its cute really. I wanna hear more.

08-19-2006, 07:54 PM
Nice work, I'll continue reading your works.

08-20-2006, 08:20 PM
Wow! Nice work Sarara! You're too good. You caught my eyes away from what I was supposed to do. LOL! I'm going to see Part two!

I think you could use some spaces. Like, one place for the meeting part then press Enter two times and then another place for the talking about the Crushes thingy!

Don't have to do it, just a suggestion!