View Full Version : Original Fiction: The n00bie Code... Prologue

06-18-2006, 10:34 PM
Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you actually read the whole thing. Also, thanks to Tati for helping me think of the last name of Smith. And for Li Kishiro for inventing the wolfpire. Kawaii_Kat for helping me out with the elitists name.

Author Notes: This has taken quite some time to write, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. Before you ask and start reading on ahead, yes. This is a spoof on the Da Vinci Code. Yes, I read the whole book. And to an extent, yes, I saw some of the movie. The idea for this came from watching the movie, and falling asleep during it, quite so many times. It occured to me that the movie would be way better if... well... You can see in a second what I meant.


Louvre Museum, Paris
10:46 P.M

The most 1337 of all curators, Jakiao Smith stumbled around the archway of museum's 1337357 gallery. In a rush, he grabbed one of the most leet paintings he had ever seen, a Caravaggio. Grabbing the piece of paper tacked to the wall with care, he rips it off.

As he had thought, the totally awesome security system kicked in, and the whole place went on lockdown, like in a really cool movie. Far away, he could hear the n00bie alarm sounding. His plan had worked!!!111

The leetzorz man is quiet. Breathing heavily because that paper was way too heavy for his w34k old man body. 'Yaaaaay! I'm leik still alive! w00tw00t!' He looked around for somewhere to hide.

Then! Suddenly a voice spoke out of the darkness. "Lolz, you're trapped!!11 Don't move, n00b!"

The leet curator froze in his tracks. Turning towards the sound of the voice, he saw the barred gates, and behind them a really tall Pwnzilla in a black cloak. He was really tall and really pale. You would think he'd be an albino, but albinos totally aren't good at pwning people and things. He was actually a vampire. But you don't find that out until later. Lol. He had glowing eyes, like a wolf. In fact, as he lowered his cloak and stared at Jakiao, you could see his wolf-like ears. A little lower on his head more on the side but like 2 inches above where his ears would normally be. The wolfpire took a magical dodge evading gun, from his cloak, and pointed it at Jakiao.

"lolz y'd you run?! n00b. tell me where it is!!1" The wolfpire said.
"wtceva. Like I'd tell someone like you! LOLZWTCBQQSARS." Jakiao said, lolzerskating around the subject. "Besides I dunno wtc you're talking about... n00b!"
"omg y do u lie?! that's MEAN!!!!!1111`1`1111oneoneoneelevenine" The wolfpire stared at him, kind of said he called him a n00bie. He wasn't a n00bie! He'll show him...... "You and your elitist friends r hiding secrets! I want it!"

Jakiao felt crazily scared. For he was not on his own grounds and couldn't just totally ban this n00b. He was stuck in a cage. He didn't know how this guy knew this information... who had leaked stuff out of the Staff Forum?!

"Tonight is the night of n00bism! We will take from you what you have hidden from us! Now tell me where it is hidden! And you will live!" The wolfpire demanded. He aimed the gun at Jakiaos head. Squinting through the crosshairs like he was really concentrating. "Is this a secret you would get pwnzorzed for?!"

Jakiao was skured. He held his hands in front of him in the all purpose anime block. "WAaaaiaiaiit!!!1" He shouted, "I will tell you what you want to know!" He then spoke the next few words carefully, it was a lie he often spoke to the other elitists. Each time, all of them hoping it would never come to this.

The wolfpire smiled sweetly. "Yes, that's what the other poopieheads said." Jakiao was like 'OMGWTC?' How'd he know about the others?! "Yes, I found them. All three of them. And they said the same thing as you." 'Noway' He thought. 'He couldn't have...! They're all dead.. they told the same lie...! CRAP! If they like, told the same lie... The truth! OMGZ THE TRUTH!!!!!'

The wolfpire aimed his gun again at Jakiao. He scrambled to hide from the gun, but there wasn't anywhere. A few shallow benches... 'I'm gonna get owned. =(' The gun went off, right into Jakiao's side. "OUCH!" He shouted. "Why would you do that?! That hurt! You're mean!" He fell over and was like whining about how his side hurt.

The wolfpire tried to shoot him a second time, but realized he was out of bullets. "Damn." He said. "Oh well, you'll bleed to death anyway. Like to see you pull a phoenix down out of this one! LOZLOZLOZLZ!11 OWNED!!111" he said walking away. Jakiao was no stranger to watching people get pwned before. He was gonna slowly die from embarassment, and it wasn't good.

"Pain is pretty cool. But only when it's happened to some n00b who just got pwned. lolz." The wolfpire said, leaving the curator to die. You could hear him on his lollerskates as he left the museum.

Jakiao was pretty pissed. He didn't like being owned by some n00b. But what pissed him off even more than the thought of some n00b pwning him, was the fact that he had to pass on the REAL secret, not that lame excuse he gave that weird... science fiction character. Getting up from where he had fallen when he was shot, he thought about his friends whom had been murdered just the same. He couldn't let this be the end of it all.

He realized he was the only person who was left, who knew the truth. The sole keeper of the most powerful secret known to mankind. He was trapped inside the room, because he ripped that one drawing off the wall. Damn. He owned himself in an attempt to own the guy trying to kill him.

He knew there was only one person whom he could pass this secret onto. He knew that in order to pass on the secret, he would have to use every last bit of strength he had... 'Who's the lamer getting pwned now?' He thought smugly to himself.

End of the Prologue.

Sakura Holic
06-18-2006, 10:39 PM
Omg... Princess Ai. Thank You for the big laughs.
It was funny. I laughed until I cried... xD
Nice fanfiction. I hope I could read more of yours soon.
If its ok...Can I read it again?
Edit: you know what...I'll add it to my favorites.

06-18-2006, 10:58 PM
Ha ha ha. Wolfpires.

That was all just priceless.

I <3 Satire.

06-18-2006, 11:55 PM
Ai, you did a great job. This is a fan fic that I respect. It's true, funny, pointless, and overly stupid. All of these things make for the perfect fan-fic. Great job.

du i g3t a p4rt pleez prinses ai i r33lee wh4nt a p45t n dis y0!


White Wolf Of Solomon
06-19-2006, 04:24 AM
very good the useing and placing of things like "lol" and having 1s at the end of the ! lines made it very funny,i got some good laughs out of it hope to see more funny ones like that

gene the man
06-19-2006, 05:08 AM
What in the hell inspired you to create such a thing? It is totally random yet so well thought up. KEWL XD

06-19-2006, 09:15 AM
fun33 h0w minny n00bs h4v3 r3d th!s n c0mm3nt3d 0n it n ch4t.

06-19-2006, 09:51 AM
Don't EVER write like that again. EVER. And what n00bs? People talk about my fanfiction? Yay!

But yeah, I was making fun of the movie being totally stupid. And how better it would be if it were all n00bie. I dunno, the movie was pretty awful.

Hopefully I wont lose interest by the time I get more chapters up.

06-23-2006, 10:50 AM
Wow, that was great. I was laughing so much even though I haven't even read The DaVinci Code yet. Please don't lose interest!

06-23-2006, 11:10 AM
Aww man, this was too funny for words. Wolfpire? XD!!!

Jakiao got pwned by a n00b! Oh noes! XD!!!!!!!!!
Cant wait to read the rest Ai!

06-23-2006, 11:26 AM
huh, that was, well one of the funniest things i have read in a while

06-23-2006, 12:44 PM
This is very encouraging. Thank you for your replies. The first chapter is up, and hopefully I'll be able to post the second by the end of the day.