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Fabala
01-04-2006, 09:48 AM
WARNING: While short, this is not a pretty story...not a happy story. Mine generally aren't, and this one more than most. If you like your characters happy and your endings "happily ever after" turn back now.

Otherwise, please give me some feedback. I can't decide what I think of this just yet. It was in my head for a long time, I attmpted writing it over and over, only to have it come out all at once, just like that.




“That’s the trouble with survival of the fittest, isn’t it? The corpse at your feet. That little inconvenience.” – Wally Lamb, I Know This Much is True



Red Queen Effect


Her nakedness was the first thing I noticed. That her skin really was bare, glistening palely in a sinister glow on awkwardly placed, dangling limbs did not occur to me until later.

“The coat! Where’s the coat?” My voice was steadily rising on each word.

My mother turned to me. Mechanically, as if she were the ballerina placed precariously on one toe, swirling forever atop a child’s music box. My shoulder ached under the nails of her vice-like grip. Her hollowed eyes looked sunken, a jack-o-lantern half complete. Her mouth gaped, forming words she couldn’t speak aloud.

“It’s my coat. She borrowed it from me! I want to know where it is.”

She released my shoulder.


***

Alit under the light of the moon she danced barefoot in icy blades of grass. Laughed. He found the red suggestive. Enticing. She did not stray from his bared teeth, but stroked his whiskered cheek. He lapped at her heel.

I watched from our window, fearful of eyes glowing the same yellow as her hair. I heard her scream. In pleasure.


***

“May and April are my favorite months. I decided those would be the names of my daughters. I would have no more and no less than two, you see.”

“…And then your great grandmother died…”

“Yes. And her name was Gertrude, passed down from her mother. Everyone called her Gertie as well.”

“May and Gertrude. You don’t see the difference there? It’s not fair!”

“What?”

“Never mind.”


***

“Oh, you know, they’re sisters,” my mother said, tittering with laughter. “Girls will be girls.” She said this everywhere, every time my sister and I fought or looked at each other cross-eyed. I think she even believed it.

May, my older sister, had mastered the art of fighting gracefully. A sly remark dropped at precisely the right moment would leave me hot and sputtering for words, and in the blame. She’d smirk at me from over our mother’s shoulder, while I endured my scolding. Not even a face like that could mar the perfection of her looks.
God, I hate her.

Two years older than me, I grew up in May’s perfect shadow. Teachers called me by her name, or sighed in exasperation when things did not come so easily to me as they had for her. Of course, May’s grades are also perfection. I’d grit my teeth every time I heard her humble herself, claiming hours of study. I shared a room with her. She never cracked open a book. She just knew the answers. Classmates used to sidle up to me to attempt befriending her. Later, boys dropped me numerous awkwardly versed notes to send her way. I tossed all but the ones I knew she’d reject anyway.

Even when May left me behind in junior high for high school, I knew no peace. Teachers had all but given up on my report card resembling May’s. I studied every night, but had my only ‘A’ in Physical Education. I imagined every ball to be May’s head.


***


“I’ll give it back to you in one piece, I promise. It goes with my outfit, see?”

“What?” She held my red coat in her hands. Almost cloak-like it hugged the shoulders and billowed out in ripples to about mid-thigh on me and mid-buttocks on May. It also looked better on her. “May, no! Come on!”

She pursed red koolaid lips, seemingly kissed by a bee’s stinger. “It looks better on me anyway.”

“No it doesn’t, you cow.”

I looked to her short, short skirt, long lean legs stuffed in calf-hugging boots, and her soft, cream-colored blouse, topped with waves of butter-colored hair. My eyes narrowed, “You’re going out with him, aren’t you?”

She flushed, looking away to the doorway before turning on a heel to glide that way, coat trailing.


***

She was late to breakfast again. When at last she stumbled in, her eyes were heavy-lidded and ringed with lack of sleep and smeared mascara.

I eyed her closely. “You forgot to take off your makeup last night.”

She slumped in her chair, stared dully into a bowl of cheerios grown soggy in milk. She reached for her spoon, but her hand remained, limp, on the table next to it.

“May! What happened to you?” Our mother had breezed in soundlessly, nurse’s garb pristine. I watched her place a hand tenderly on my sister’s forehead, stroking her hair with the other.

“I don’t feel so well Mom…”

“You don’t look so well, either.”

I looked from one to the other. “Mom…”

“Not now Gertie.” She patted May’s soft buttery waves. “I don’t think you should be going to school today.”

“I don’t know Mom…”

Our mother smiled affectionately. At her. “I think you can afford to miss one day. Why don’t you head back to your room and get some sleep.”

“Well…all right.”

I scowled, kicking the leg of my chair.


***

Alit under the light of the moon she danced barefoot in icy blades of grass. Laughed. He found the red suggestive. Enticing. She did not stray from his bared teeth, but stroked his whiskered cheek. He lapped at her heel.

I watched from our window, fearful of eyes glowing the same yellow as her hair. I heard her scream. In pleasure.


***

“What the hell, May?”

“What?”

“You’re going out again? We have midterms next week!”

“Mind your own business.”

“Don’t you think Mom’s going to notice when you don’t get straight-A’s for the first time in your life?”

“Shut up.”

“Fine. It’s your life. Just try not to ruin my coat, okay?”


***

“Gertie…”

I looked up from my books scattered on the bed to see my mother hovering in the doorway. Worry furrowed her brow. “Yeah Mom?”

“I want to talk to you. ”

I shoved books out of her way. She perched next to me on the bed, dry hands clawing at each other.

“It’s May…”

I waited. In the ensuing silence I returned my attention to the history notes. My mother’s fingers played over an image of Marie Antoinette absently.

“I know she’s been…sick…a lot lately.” Fingers drumming over the Queen’s coitured hair. “This morning I got your report cards. All her grades are down, and her teachers are concerned with the number of absences lately.”

I reached to touch her hands. They relaxed their knots.

She looked at me with pleading eyes. “She hasn’t made up her midterms yet. I don’t think they’re going to allow much more leeway.”

“Oh they probably will, Mom. Come on. It’s May. Say no more.”

She smiled in lips only. “I’m worried about her, Gertie. She tells me nothing’s wrong, but looks too sick to move every morning. I’m at my wit’s end!”

I wrapped my arms around her neck, rested my head on her shoulder. She shifted to place a warm hand on the back of my head. Its weight made my heart flutter.

“Gertie. I want to know.” I stilled my breathing. “You two girls have been sharing a room since the day you were born. Is there something going on I should know about? Something you girls aren’t telling me?”

I breathed in the sweet vanilla perfume she always wore, masking the chemical cleanliness smell of the hospital. She still used the bottle I bought for her last Christmas. I nestled my face against her neck. “No, Mom. Nothing.”

She released a breath I didn’t realize she’d been holding. “All right. Well…thank you.” She patted my head, disentangled herself from me to leave.

“Mom?” I clutched her moving hand.

“Hm?”

I stared into eyes gone deep with anxiety. “Don’t worry. I’m sure May will be okay.” She squeezed my hand, eyes returning to Antoinette’s youthful face before meeting mine.

“Thanks Gertie. I’m glad one of us thinks so.” She paused at the doorway, mouth smiling. “Oh, and I’m glad to see your grades improving. Keep up the good work.”


***

One night, as she slipped out the window to meet him, she tripped over the cord to her alarm clock, sending it clattering to the floor. I jumped out of sleep in shock. Black against black her silhouette loomed in front of me, made more indiscernible by my sleep-filled eyes.

She moved to the window, where the moonlight caught strands of golden hair turned silver. She stood, hands clutching the window frame notably trembling.

I sat up, awake. “May!” My voice was low but sharpened to a point.

She jumped, twisted to fix glowing eyes on me. Our gazes locked for a long, quiet moment. “Go back to sleep,” she said at last.

“But…” I trailed off, watching her lift the lock and slide open the window. It creaked. She flinched, looking to the bedroom door and listening for our mother. Nothing.

I shivered in the breeze blowing in, tightening the blankets around my shoulders. I watched her tremble as well. “May, it’s cold.” I looked to hear near-bare legs. “Take my coat. You’ll freeze without it.”

She looked at me for a long, quiet moment. I could see the blue bruise-like rings under her eyes bathed in moonlight.

She pulled the coat tight around her. Its color made her hair appear white. I watched her swing a long, slender leg out over the sill and made a grunt of disgust deep in my throat. I rolled over to face a wall, listening to her completing the trip, and rolling the window to a close behind her.


***

Alit under the light of the moon she danced barefoot in icy blades of grass. Laughed. He found the red suggestive. Enticing. She did not stray from his bared teeth, but stroked his whiskered cheek. He lapped at her heel.

I watched from our window, fearful of eyes glowing the same yellow as her hair. I heard her scream. Scream.


***

I was too deeply asleep to hear the ringing of the phone. What I remember is my mother shaking me to consciousness, throwing mismatched clothes at me in the dark, making animal-like noises deep in her throat.

“May…” was all she would say when I asked. I looked to my sister’s empty bed. The sheets were pulled rigidly over the sides and to the pillow. Empty at 3 o’clock in the morning. I asked nothing further, let her hustle me out the front door in slippered feet, biting blood to our lips against the cold. I thought we’d get into an accident, her bare white hands on the wheel trembled so.


***

I was my mother’s cane. They let me pass, fearful of her hollowed eyes, her talon-like fingers. Her hand felt clammy on my shoulder. I knew and didn’t know what to expect.

I think our hearts stopped beating simultaneously when we entered the room. The two men standing in the room blended into the background. The table beside them under a spotlight hidden from sight. A crisp, pristine white sheet. Form of a body underneath.

I stopped. The weight of my mother’s hand pressed me on. We stared at the table, the sheet, and the hidden folds of a body, afraid to breath.

A man’s hand snaked out, gripping the edge of the sheet, asking what we all knew the answer to already. “Is this your daughter?”

“My baby…” My mother had shut her eyes to the corpse, the butter blonde hair. Answered without seeing. Her eyes poured tears. Mine were dry.

“Raped.”

“Struggle.”

“Stabbed.”

“Left to die.”

“Naked.”

“Boy on the street.”

“Identified as your daughter.”

I listened to my mother sob in broken, choking gasps.


***

When I returned home that early dark morning, I sat on the edge of my unmaid bed, unable to sleep, until the sun rose. When light touched the floor and crept towards my socked feet, I looked for the second time at May’s empty bed.

It was then that my eyes filled with tears, my throat with inhuman moans. I threw myself, shaking, onto her bed, clutching hard the red coat hung carefully on a corner of her bed. The coat she didn’t wear that night, for the first time.

I wept.

I screamed, echoing my sister.

Lady Risa Emrys
01-04-2006, 10:22 AM
Wow, i'd have to say that is one heck of a story. Different to say the least, but very good. I admit I had to read the whole thing through before I could do anything else. It captured my attention so easily, like a Best-seeling author. >.> here I would go on about what could be fixed, but I can't think of a thing, it was just marvelous, wonderful. I realy enjoyed it. I almost elt like I was there, watching it all from the shadows or something.

Very Nicely Done.

Fabala
01-04-2006, 10:34 AM
Haha, thank you. You're too sweet ^_~

Let me ask you something... Does the title make sense? It does to me, but for reasons that may not occur to everyone.

Keitaru-san
01-04-2006, 10:59 AM
Very nicely done, i love sad story and unhappy ending. becuase its true.

i didn't know you where in fanfiction...lol.

Fabala
01-04-2006, 11:01 AM
I dabble ;p There's a link to everything I have posted on this site in my signature.

Thanks.

Lady Risa Emrys
01-04-2006, 11:21 AM
Haha, thank you. You're too sweet ^_~

Let me ask you something... Does the title make sense? It does to me, but for reasons that may not occur to everyone.
I'm assuming it has something to do with the coat. The red coat the main girl, 'Gertie' was refering to in the begining of the story, right? >>'

Fabala
01-04-2006, 11:33 AM
Partially. I like symbols/titles with multiple meanings. Some more obvious than others.

"Red Queen Effect" comes from a documentary I saw on evolution. It referenced the book "Alice in Wonderland." Towards the end of the book Alice runs a race with the queen. Running and running she realizes they aren't actually moving anywhere. When she comments on this, in exasperation, the queen replies with, "Sometimes you have to run as fast as you can to stay in place." This is known as the "red queen effect." Which ties in nicely with the idea of survival of the fittest...seen here as the lengths an individual will go to to preserve themself above all others.

Gertie lives. May dies.

Fabala
03-24-2006, 11:00 PM
Aies' bumping inspired me to update this story ^_^ I'd tweaked and rewritten a few parts last month, but haven't bothered posting that version until now.

Yay!

Opinionated
03-24-2006, 11:35 PM
Its sad. You're making me get that gut-turning feeling in my abdomen. If it hadn't been for the title, I never would have read this. No offense, but these emotional stories keep me up all night. Well, I'll tell you what I've told everyone else: Keep writing.

Fabala
03-24-2006, 11:55 PM
I like a title with multiple meanings ;p And I don't go for sappy. Emotional? Sure. Gut-wrenching? Definitely.

Thanks for the comments.

Fabala
04-15-2006, 09:20 PM
Don't kill me Aies ;__; I've been in touch with a former writing workshop classmate. He's the editor of the school's literary magazine, and included this story. They wanted to use both of my submissions, but there wasn't enough room. Anyway, I was so touched by his partial emailed critique that I must share it.

Nick's words:

"I'd love to talk about the story a little later in the week with you, but something about it being a lazy, warm Saturday after a long week is hindering my critical thought process.

For now, though, I'll say that the story made excellent use of symbolism, minimalism, and setting. The red coat as a symbol of innocence with a hint of violence was really made brilliant because it was the narrator's coat. It was a subtle to see the coat as something *May* took from the narrator -- on one hand, she took the narrator's vivacity and, in dying, took the narrator's innocence. But, in a symbolic sense, she also accepted the *burden* of death for the narrator; they are both maturing and testing boundaries, but only May dies for it. In a sense, she has died so the narrator could learn, and be saved. At least, that's how I read the red coat. Well done.

The repetition was a great device for heightening drama -- there was music in the way you cast and recast the same scene with slight but pivotal changes. As in your other stories, giving the reader glimpses of essential information is a sophisticated technique that you execute well. I don't have the story on hand, but your opening shows that you understand the "less is more" principle. You grasp something pretty counter-intuitive for young writers: it's okay to leave the audience with snippets at the start. Not everything requires clunky, linear exposition.

Since the story is mostly reflective -- it definitely feels like a chilled remembrance -- your settings were appropriately underdrawn, and you only went where you needed to go. *Not* including many details about May's life was key: the whole point is, May's life is beyond the pale for the narrator. She doesn't understand that loss of innocence.

I'd say the story differed from your others most in terms of tone. You let the narrator speak here, in a way your other stories hadn't. It's more conventional, and it's smart choice for this piece. This is all about what who the central characrer is, not how the central appears to others -- which more describes Long Term Parking. William Gass calls a story like Long Term Parking "writing at zero degree" -- it's focused only on surfaces, not psychological interiors. Red Queen Effect is markedly different, but just as strong.

The thing is, it does have more energy in the writing, since it's infused with the narartor's turmoil. That's one of the reasons we selected it to open the book. It's *not* a piece writtern in zero degree; it's much more hot-blooded, with more dramatic expression. It kick-starts our book. Long Term Parking, meanwhile, is a much colder, ambiguous, reflective piece; if we had chosen that instead, it would have ended the book. We went with Red Queen not because it was definitely better, per se, but because we had other pieces that felt appropriate at the end of the book, but none had the energy Red Queen Effect. (A word on the title: I've already talked about the importance of "red," but the title is a great way to highlight that theme. It suggests something biological. It's an "effect," like a science experiment. That works very well in the story,and I'd say it's your tendency for writing at zero degree again; "effect" is a cold word with more distance and less emotion.)

And finally, the "Red Queen Effect" -- is that the responsibility and subsequent downfall of the one wears the red coat? Is it the idea that, someone has to make that initial journey and pay the price of hubris, to save and absolve the rest? The problem with that sacrifice, of course, is the corpse at your feet."

A most eloquent speaker, this boy. Wonderful person to bounce writing ideas off of.

Silent Angel
04-15-2006, 11:36 PM
As usual, you have done a stellar job. I am most jealous. ^^

Fabala
04-16-2006, 08:11 AM
Hey you! It's been...oh goodness...far, far too long since I've seen you ^^ You must update me on your life. I'll update you on what Byron and I have been getting up to XD Shocking.

And w00t! Further talks with Nick. Apparently the print editors for the book/magazine thing couldn't get enough of my two stories (this one and "Long Term Parking"). Makes me almost glad I couldn't get involved with them after all...I'd have been a blushing fiend.

animeglobe
04-16-2006, 08:16 AM
omg there is no words to describe how much i like this. i like how in the begining you told readers that if you like happy poems then turn back now while you have the chance

iMud
09-09-2006, 09:54 AM
Good story I like tragedies lol

Daenerys
09-09-2006, 10:04 AM
That was not short. >/

And I don't know why I haven't seen this until now. Sometimes I just don't see stuff.

I'm gonna read it later though... >.> I'm reading bad daria fanfiction, and I can't not read it. It's consuming my soul (Besides I'm on vacation.) So... I'm going to pin this, so I don't forget to read it :D


edit: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! SILENT ANGEL REPLIED TO THIS TOPIC!

Fabala
09-09-2006, 10:41 AM
Because she looooves me so ^^

Ah, Silent Angel. Without her, I would not have my hubby today ^^

Daenerys
09-09-2006, 11:15 AM
OYA. I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

I remember plotting about ways to break them up and you were like "O_O AIES NO"

Fabala
09-09-2006, 11:24 AM
I know... And then they grew apart and at the same time he met that chick at an anime screening. I was all "Arrrrrgh! Not another one!"

Daenerys
09-09-2006, 11:27 AM
lol, ohhhh yooooou two. I wish I had our old aim conversations! That'd be something to read!

Fabala
09-09-2006, 11:41 AM
It annoys me. I used to have SO MANY AIM/ICQ/MSN conversations saved...from years and years back. And then over the years there were multiple computer problems, and my brother lost files, and so on and so forth. So now the oldest conversation I have is one with Byron from June of 2003. ;__;

Daenerys
09-09-2006, 11:44 AM
Geeeeeze. I used to have like every convo ever saved. But then my MOM gave my COMPUTER to my STEP DAD, and he was only supposed to CLEAN it and give it back next weekend.

That was in 2002. >/

Fabala
09-09-2006, 11:47 AM
Sad...so sad ;__;

So hey, are you going to read this story or what? I don't want to keep spamming.

Ωmega
09-15-2006, 11:17 AM
Spam <3
XD

I LOVE this story! If it wasnt for your sig, I would have thought it was about Alice...I love that book...-sigh-
Anyway, I liked how you repeated the same paragraph when she went out to meet this boy. I also really liked how the 'good child' and 'bad child' switch roles. I know it sounds cruel, but Im glad to see May dead at the end...you feel so bad for Getrie that you wish May dead...or maybe thats just me, and Im just cold and morbid =^.^=

Ookie
09-15-2006, 03:06 PM
0.o Mods are spamming there heads off here! >< Bad bad bad!!!!


Lawl! Lovely story :'3 MORE!!!!!

Fabala
09-15-2006, 07:35 PM
Spam <3
XD

I LOVE this story! If it wasnt for your sig, I would have thought it was about Alice...I love that book...-sigh-
Anyway, I liked how you repeated the same paragraph when she went out to meet this boy. I also really liked how the 'good child' and 'bad child' switch roles. I know it sounds cruel, but Im glad to see May dead at the end...you feel so bad for Getrie that you wish May dead...or maybe thats just me, and Im just cold and morbid =^.^=
It's more Red Riding Hood than Alice o.O The only Alice reference is in the title, which actually refers to a comment made in a science class.

But hey, thanks guys ^^

Ωmega
09-18-2006, 06:01 PM
It's more Red Riding Hood than Alice o.O The only Alice reference is in the title, which actually refers to a comment made in a science class.

But hey, thanks guys ^^lol, I meant by just reading the title. But it does have connections to Rdidng hood...like the coat, and how the boy seems wolf like...
Although, I wouldve liked to know why he killed her...but it would take away from the format of the story...

Fabala
09-18-2006, 06:25 PM
I didn't say he killed her XDDD

...but you are supposed to interpret much of it as a killing/shattering of innocence. It's seen in many areas of the story...and in both sisters.

Daenerys
09-19-2006, 04:19 AM
I'm too tired to read it, I guess it will just have to stay pinned for a little longer.

Die Tod von Euch
09-23-2006, 12:05 PM
Beautiful and sad, and very well formatted. You have a great writing style that allows the reader to feel almost as if they are the narrator. Or, at the very least, be able to sympathize with the narrator.

Bucky Katt
09-23-2006, 03:18 PM
Words cannot describe the horror I felt when I reached the ending ... And it was based on something that can happen. Another plus. I just hope nothing as horrible will happen to my own sister as the events befell May...

Ollie
10-08-2006, 01:09 AM
... Reiako, have I ever told you I think you're totally rad?

If I didn't already know you were good at drawing, I'd beg for an art/write trade. ;_;

If it's red riding hood inspired, is it... that thing May goes out to meet a wolf of some kind? And I mean that literally, as an animal, not as a predatory man.

Fabala
10-08-2006, 07:05 AM
I like to think of him as a wolf in man's clothing. In other words, a predatory man ^_^

Thanks dear.

Ollie
10-08-2006, 11:37 PM
So I made my writing buddy read this, while we were talking on AIM.


Whispers: brb
Friend: sure. This story is interesting, btw.
Friend: wow. Story turned fascinating.
Friend: When she said "this is not a pretty story...not a happy story," I groaned. In my experience, most authors use that as an excuse for BAD stories. This wasn't.
Friend: She's a lot better than any of the supposed "aspiring writers" I've met.He's pretty much spot-on, I'd say. :3

Yugure's Goddess
10-09-2006, 02:39 AM
I like to think of him as a wolf in man's clothing. In other words, a predatory man ^_^oh god! That sounds so like one of the lines near the end of Jin-Roh "We are not men disguised as mere dogs. We are wolves disguised as men." (good movie, btw... lots of red riding hood there, too...)

eh-em... anyway. *cries hysterically* oh how I wish I could write this good. That was truely magnificent. Reiako, you are now among the people that I worship. :awe: If you don't write more I will KILL you!! And Dorian, this is a MUST-READ!! Tell me you plan on taking this writing talent as a profession! You could make millions with this, almost sickening amount of talent you have in your work. *sobs for hours out of envy* XD

Anyway... yeah. I should tell you what to improve on but... I don't know...It's so great and so far above me, there is nothing that I would change. It's fantastic and you're a god and I'm just gonna curl up into a little ball in the corner over here. Don't mind me. I'm just a mere human, your holiness. A wanna-be writing goddess... *sighs* ((lol))

...

love
dani
dude

Fabala
10-09-2006, 06:54 AM
lol. You all are too much.

For clarification, I am not a writing major. I want to be a forensic pathologist, while writing on the side. Honestly? It is VERY difficult to make a living by writing fiction. I've disappointed my fair share of writing/English teachers through this before, but in the end they have to agree with me XD

Whispers and friend: <3

Yugure's Goddess: I've always wanted to see Jin-Roh. I have an almost unhealthy fascination with the darker side of fairy tales.

nami
10-31-2006, 09:36 PM
What an amazing story! I love the way that you repeat one section, almost like the refrain of a song. Beautifully written.

Flay
11-03-2006, 11:20 PM
I wasn't sure what to expect at first, sometimes ppl when they use symbolic titles, I don't know, they get caught in this cycle, and at the end, the story is just pretty words placed together with no flow, and did nothing mentally or emotionally.
You have managed both, and your descriptions were very good.
I'm going to have to look for your posts from now on.
Peace be with you.

*.:Endless Sky:.*
11-04-2006, 08:21 AM
Oh wow....that was magnificent. Keep it up!

Wow....just wow....

Fabala
11-04-2006, 11:40 PM
Many thanks ^^;

Ollie
11-04-2006, 11:43 PM
So when are you gonna write something new, eh? Eeeeeeh?

EEEEEEEEEHHHHH????

O:<

Fabala
11-04-2006, 11:47 PM
Thinking about working on something next week with my extra free time actually... If I stick to doing the one I want to write, it'll be a looooong time in completing.

Ollie
11-04-2006, 11:57 PM
I demand instant gratification! >:[

Fabala
11-08-2006, 12:52 AM
Eeehhh...we'll see.

This is why I could never write professionally XD I can't do it until I'm good and ready.

Red&Stiletto
01-01-2007, 10:19 PM
.........Oh........my...........gawd!!! I am crying. I am really and truely crying. I havent cried in 2 years and here I am bawling my eyes out. *sniff sniff* You write to good. Its not fair. Now anyone who reads this will think my story sucks. Great. *is beyond jealous*

~* Love Lady *~

Red&Stiletto
01-02-2007, 11:28 PM
It was very touching i'm very suprised at how well it was writtin..................it definetly caught my attention!

Fabala
01-03-2007, 03:06 AM
You came in expecting bad writing? XDD

I tease, I tease. But thank you for your comments.

Daenerys
02-07-2007, 07:32 AM
I guess I can unpin this now and pin something else.

Buruku
02-07-2007, 02:52 PM
I read this back when you first posted it, but never commented. XD But I just read it again, I got more out of it this time.

Its very good, as everyones told you. I think its weird how the guy/man that Mays been associating with is never really described...he's just like this, I don't know, lurking bad thing. Well it definitely made me curious. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. lol

What made you want to write something like this?

Fabala
02-07-2007, 09:06 PM
Too much Gregory Maguire and fairy tales? Honestly I don't know. I've had the image of a girl slipping out into the middle of the night in some kind of red cloak/coat for some time now. Seemed logical to play with Little Red Riding Hood in a way.

It's funny, I had the first scene written first, and then numerous drafts afterwards where I didn't like the way the first scene flowed with the rest of the story. I decided I needed something a little more...bizarre? Ungrounded? So one day I sat down and wrote the rest of the story, very much like the finished version. I'm like that. Always too much creativity or not enough. Could never be a writer professionally.

Light Buster
02-19-2007, 11:02 PM
wow. freaky story.

Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades
03-24-2007, 02:07 AM
*Gasp* Great story you've got here it kept me busy with reading, luckly I came when you made changes. :) The 'Red queen effect' gives me the idea of blood spilled, tough it would not go in vain and yes, the robe does play a part in this story. As they say make a bad mistake and you'll find your self not having a second chance. The plot shows that poeple should learn from mistakes and try and not go out at night with someone even if you really care about the person. SAD SAD story, but still a wonderfull tale that has potentiol to help those out that is suffering through the same things...

Fabala
03-24-2007, 05:21 AM
Thanks.

In all honesty, when I made changes they weren't very big changes...just some ideas a former writing instructor of mine had. The story you read is essentially the same story I sat down and wrote in one sitting (first scene in a separate session, also with minimal changes). I love it when words flow the way you want them to. Shame it doesn't happen more often.

Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades
03-24-2007, 05:55 AM
really. Why doesn't it flow any more. will you continue writing on this one please i want to see if you can make anything happen.

Fabala
03-24-2007, 06:39 AM
Continue? Not on this one. It's a stand-alone short story ;p I'm batting around a few other story ideas though...maybe I'll be inspired to write one some day.

Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades
03-24-2007, 12:17 PM
Ok I understand perfectly then i'll see your stories and yourself around here. ;-)

Capernicus
08-18-2009, 05:56 AM
Aha, well, erm I feel bad that this story is going to be bumped by THIS post. ._. Disclaimer: symbolism and subtly is often lost on me.

I...honestly did not think it was anything special. Yes, it was lovely and well written, and I really did hurt for the clash of these two sisters. But I was also...somewhat confused. I know that's the intent in this type of form (which I can never seem to grasp for the life of me) but it just makes me rage moar. And pardon me, but without reading the above comments and commentary I would probably think even less of this story. ;__; I wish I had better things to say other than the concept was great, as was your execution, and your writing continues to be top notch. I just don't think this is your best work, so I wonder why it is this that you choose to advertise in your sig. Hm...

*flees before being maimed*

Elphaba
07-02-2010, 09:17 PM
That. was. an. awesome. story!!

I got interested in the very beginning and couldn't stop. I love the way it was written ^^ I wish so badly i could write like

you. I write but not like you do.

You'll have to teach me how to write ^^

Movie Dave
07-08-2010, 04:07 AM
this is sad..... wow...the red queen effect just scares me.

~Fallen~Angel~
07-12-2010, 04:55 PM
this was the sadest story i have ever read but you must wrie more stories i hardly read these kinds and only :computer::read: post more! please?

ghostthegreat
07-19-2010, 05:54 PM
Good story! I especially liked the beginning. The first few lines are the most important part of any short story. If you don't start off with something intriguing, then most people will be turned off immediately. But, this beginning was a brilliant start that pulled me in. Excellent work!

Kumoness
12-08-2010, 08:51 PM
Writer's Envy. I has it. :laugh:
I find this story to be very well written. It's short (compared to what it could be) yet has a sense of completeness about it. Normally I prefer more detail, but with this particular style, more would just take the power from the story. I believe someone else already mentioned the "Less is more" factor.
Keep it up! I want to read more!

Fabala
12-09-2010, 08:11 AM
Haha, thanks. Yes, I was aiming for a somewhat minimalist approach. I'm glad it was well-received. I actually have more writing on this site if you do a search for my name. Otherwise, I've just finished this university semester and will hopefully have time to write again. Doing so many science classes has somewhat sapped my creative spirit, but I think it's on the way back.