Advice needed

[Serendipity]

Normally I wouldn't be doing this on a forum I just joined but I am pretty much at the end of my rope dealing with a friend of mine. I won't mention her name or too many specifics about her but basically she has had anorexia for a little over a year now. She has admitted to cutting herself as well. I am on the other side of the country and there is only so much I can do for her. I have never really dealt with either of these problems or have known anyone else who has so I don't know how to help her. I have tried to direct her to some websites for anorexia but who knows how helpful those can really be. I don't know if she still cuts herself or not and I am afraid to ask since it's been a while since it was mentioned. She considers me one of her closest friends and I am so scared for her but I don't know what to do. I think I might be coming across too strongly with emphasising on her getting help but the things I have read up on about anorexia scare me. I don't want her to suffer anymore then she has already. I want her to get help and live a long, healthy and happy life.

Can anyone please give me advice on what to do or to tell her? Input from people who have had experience with either of these situations would help me greatly.

[Predator]

In a way I'll be there to support her and you...I wish I could only do more...I'm sorry about your friend...You might want to learn more about cures and ways to make her better. So I'll go look it up.

[Zack2]

Well you should tell her to eat a lot of her favorite foods. I say this because anorexia is kind of a rare thing to get. It is mostly a eating disorder that she might have and lost interest in eating or something like that. Well to let you know i support you and your friend to find a cure for this. I just wish i can help.

[Serendipity]

Thank you to both of you for your support, I truely appreciate it.

As for getting her to eat her favorite foods some other friends of mine, who are friends of hers as well, are encouraging her to eat things. It's a little hard for any of us to monitor that though since none of us live near her. I want her to be able to find someone near her who can support her on this because she needs that. Everything I have read suggests that a good support system makes recovery go that much faster. I don't think she has any kind of support system near her. I will be there to support her as best as I can of course but I can only do so much for her.

[g0d_of_death]

LOL. I'm sorry, but you two havn't been through that stuff. Personally, I have a friend who is anarexic, and cuts herself, aswell, and my gf cutts herself, and I used to cut myself. This is how it goes:

Anarexia:- if you want to help your friend, what I did was continued to enforce the fact that she needed food, and I kept getting mad at her when I found out she wasn't eating anything. That worked slightly, but an unexperienced person can only do so much. If you really want to help, you need to get your friend a doctor, you need to get her medical help, it's the only way. Either that, or somehow get her really happy. A good boyfriend would do the trick

Cutting:- this really depends on how long she's been doing it, why she does it, and how often she does it. When I started, I was able to quit 'cause I didn't do it for too long. I had just started cutting, do to depresion. This, as i know can be helped right away if you have a lot of support.

If she's been cutting for a long time, like my gf, and its become a daily thing where she does it to escape the harsh reality, I fear that there is not much you can do from such a distance. I want my gf to stop, but we live about 15mins drive away from eachother, even this distance is hard. The only way for her to stop, as she says would be if I was there with her all the time. So to stop her from cutting, she'd need a person she loves, to be with her all the time. A friend wouldn't suffice if it's become so serious, a lot of her friends have tried, but to no avail.
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There is really nothing you can do from that distance, as much as it pains me to tell you. Both of those things are out of your hands. You may really want to help her, but there is nothing you can do. I know you might feel really hopeless, but you can't do anything to stop it. Like I said, for the anarexia, you can try to force her to eat, but even if you do, it'll be hard for you to help her keep it down.

[Serendipity]

LOL. I'm sorry, but you two havn't been through that stuff. Personally, I have a friend who is anarexic, and cuts herself, aswell, and my gf cutts herself, and I used to cut myself. This is how it goes:

Anarexia:- if you want to help your friend, what I did was continued to enforce the fact that she needed food, and I kept getting mad at her when I found out she wasn't eating anything. That worked slightly, but an unexperienced person can only do so much. If you really want to help, you need to get your friend a doctor, you need to get her medical help, it's the only way. Either that, or somehow get her really happy. A good boyfriend would do the trick

Cutting:- this really depends on how long she's been doing it, why she does it, and how often she does it. When I started, I was able to quit 'cause I didn't do it for too long. I had just started cutting, do to depresion. This, as i know can be helped right away if you have a lot of support.

If she's been cutting for a long time, like my gf, and its become a daily thing where she does it to escape the harsh reality, I fear that there is not much you can do from such a distance. I want my gf to stop, but we live about 15mins drive away from eachother, even this distance is hard. The only way for her to stop, as she says would be if I was there with her all the time. So to stop her from cutting, she'd need a person she loves, to be with her all the time. A friend wouldn't suffice if it's become so serious, a lot of her friends have tried, but to no avail.
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There is really nothing you can do from that distance, as much as it pains me to tell you. Both of those things are out of your hands. You may really want to help her, but there is nothing you can do. I know you might feel really hopeless, but you can't do anything to stop it. Like I said, for the anarexia, you can try to force her to eat, but even if you do, it'll be hard for you to help her keep it down.Thank you for all of that. I am encouraging her to get some kind of help. I know she needs to see a counselor of some sort to help her work everything out for herself but she refuses. She wants to just talk to me and have me help her with this. When I give advice I usually pull from my own experiences. Since I have had no personal experience with either of these I don't think I can give her very sound advice. I have told her as much and keep emphasizing on seeing a professional about it but she says that she only trusts me and wants me to help her.

I will do my best to keep encouraging her to eat but I feel she will need more then just encouragement from me to get better.

[g0d_of_death]

Do you know why she cuts? If I knew, I might be able to give more advice.

[snowleopard224]

you could find something she really enjoys and get her intrested in it like I used to be depressed. I mean clinicaly depressed until I found anime, now I cant stop being happy. or you could leave an annoying anti depessant message on he answering machine every day but I like my first Idea better.

Im good at solving problems my therapist told me so

[Serendipity]

Do you know why she cuts? If I knew, I might be able to give more advice.
I am not 100% sure why she cuts. She never told me that, only that she started doing it.

I have a feeling though that it might be because of controlling and over protective parents. It also might be because of low self esteem and comparing herself to her older sister. Thinking, perhaps, that she isn't as accomplished as her.

I can't say with certainty what might cause her to cut but those are some things that I have noticed about her when we talk.

[retro]

This is not somthing you can handle on your own, she needs real help.

Being a true friend is the first step, but she needs to see a professional.

[Serendipity]

This is not somthing you can handle on your own, she needs real help.

Being a true friend is the first step, but she needs to see a professional.
I know she does and I am encouraging her to get it. She has a fear of therapists and psychologists though. So I am not sure what else to do or say to her to make her realize that she needs to get over her fear and get professional help.

[Gjallarhorn]

wow, now this brings back memories. i was in the exact same situation as you a couple years ago. in the case of not being close to where she is, it is hard to do anything about it.
anorexia- this is really hard considering you cannot see her behavior, but it is best to get it through to her that it is very dangerous, and you dont want to see her suffer. tell her over and over and over until she wants to scream at you until her head pops off(figurativly of course). considering she is also cutting herself, it means she doesnt value life that much because it is too stressful.
cutting-first of all, get her to tell you what it is that is causing her to be depressed,a ndif she wont tell you, see if you can find out from any of her friends. tell her that no matter how hard like can be, it is always worth living to see how everything turns out. she cuts herself to ease the pain of harsh reality, yet it doesnt acutally make the pain go away. advise her to make up something that allows her to ease the pain without harming herself of others(boxing, running, something that puts stress on ones body when they are doing good, so she will get the pain she wanted before, but she will be rewarded and complimented, giving her a sense of pride). Tell her that cutting herself is selfish because she is not thinking of how her friends, her family, and you would feel if she were to die. Convince her that life is worth living. also get her other friends to do something about it.
I too was very depressed a couple of years ago, but i came through it without causing harm to myself. if she is strong enough, she'll get through it. if she is too weak of heart, then she shouldn't be living in the first place. then again, i have harsh views on the topic.

[soshumeru90]

wow, now this brings back memories. i was in the exact same situation as you a couple years ago. in the case of not being close to where she is, it is hard to do anything about it.
anorexia- this is really hard considering you cannot see her behavior, but it is best to get it through to her that it is very dangerous, and you dont want to see her suffer. tell her over and over and over until she wants to scream at you until her head pops off(figurativly of course). considering she is also cutting herself, it means she doesnt value life that much because it is too stressful.
cutting-first of all, get her to tell you what it is that is causing her to be depressed,a ndif she wont tell you, see if you can find out from any of her friends. tell her that no matter how hard like can be, it is always worth living to see how everything turns out. she cuts herself to ease the pain of harsh reality, yet it doesnt acutally make the pain go away. advise her to make up something that allows her to ease the pain without harming herself of others(boxing, running, something that puts stress on ones body when they are doing good, so she will get the pain she wanted before, but she will be rewarded and complimented, giving her a sense of pride). Tell her that cutting herself is selfish because she is not thinking of how her friends, her family, and you would feel if she were to die. Convince her that life is worth living. also get her other friends to do something about it.
I too was very depressed a couple of years ago, but i came through it without causing harm to myself. if she is strong enough, she'll get through it. if she is too weak of heart, then she shouldn't be living in the first place. then again, i have harsh views on the topic. a couple of people i know cut but they say they do it wash away the pain so if you can find out whats wrong if she has family problems or something that could be the real issue.

[Queen-of-Mars]

Anorexia(like bulimia) is a disease and not a state of mind. A person simply cannot wake up and say "Today I won't be anorexic, nor the next". Doesn't work that way. The most you can do is tell her to get some help before she ends up in the hospital, or dead, then help her through the treatment.

[Serendipity]

Thanks for all of your input Dark Twilight. I will take all of your suggestions to heart.

Queen of Mars: I am trying to get her to seek professional help but it's hard for me to monitor that when I am not near her. I have told her how worried I am about her and have showed her links to websites that tell what is in her future if she continues on the path she is on. I just hope she will take everything into consideration and will seek out the help that she needs to get better.

[Queen-of-Mars]

Well, you can't really FORCE someone to do something if 1. they are a minor and 2. you are their legal guardian. The only way you could actually PHYSICALLY do something is if she was a danger(you know what I mean) to herself or others. Otherwise, all you can do is claw at her. Keep trying and never give up hope, because for all you know, you are the corner stone. As soon as you crack, the rest of her may follow.

[dragoninja]

If you hate something that much take it out on something else and not on yourself. Music helps me allot. If you hate the way you feel and look then she needs someone who loves her to hold her and tell her shes ok.

If she is afraid of something then she has to face it. Some people get better and some get worse. You wont know unless you try.

[Serendipity]

Well, you can't really FORCE someone to do something if 1. they are a minor and 2. you are their legal guardian. The only way you could actually PHYSICALLY do something is if she was a danger(you know what I mean) to herself or others. Otherwise, all you can do is claw at her. Keep trying and never give up hope, because for all you know, you are the corner stone. As soon as you crack, the rest of her may follow.I know I can't force her but I am trying to "claw at her" with information I have found as well as telling her how it's affecting those that she cares about. I am hoping that it will get through to her so she can have that "ah-ha!" moment and know that she needs to get better for herself.

dragonninja: What you suggest would be a great help, it is always good to hear that someone loves and cares about you. I just don't know if that will work for her right now. Her parents seem to be the controlling overprotective type who demand perfection, at least from what I have gotten the impression of from the way she describes them. I am not certain if any of her friends near her know what is going on or not so they can support her. It's a difficult situation to say the least.

[Himura Enishi]

She has a fear of therapists and psychologists though.

If I was a piece of work like you described her I wouldn't wanna go near them either...Anorexia for a year, either he/shes lying or he/shes getting really close to dying, since basically not supplying your body with enough nutrients will make it start to literally eat itself.


I am not 100% sure why she cuts. She never told me that, only that she started doing it.

She's cutting herself because bluntly put shes a nutjob if she indeed does. No matter what people say, cutting yourself does in no way make you feel better, its damaging your body and is showing your either stupid or suicidal. It only takes one slip of the razor to hit a vein and kill yourself.


I want my gf to stop, but we live about 15mins drive away from eachother, even this distance is hard. The only way for her to stop, as she says would be if I was there with her all the time. So to stop her from cutting, she'd need a person she loves, to be with her all the time. A friend wouldn't suffice if it's become so serious, a lot of her friends have tried, but to no avail.

Common sense..........wake up and call parents or a clinic, cutting yourself is a suicidal motion, she doesnt need love she needs to be on medication and needs a pyschological evaluation

[karasu13]

Now-it seems-there are 2 advice threads.....

[Leon Magnus]

-sigh-

Stupid media making a Irresonable image for how think they girls should be, I don't know how to help you here. I've expierenced high depression and suicidal thaughts myself, i really don't know how to stop it other than saying to her that the fact that what she does it can hurt others feelings, that's what helped me.



She's cutting herself because bluntly put shes a nutjob if she indeed does. No matter what people say, cutting yourself does in no way make you feel better, its damaging your body and is showing your either stupid or suicidal. It only takes one slip of the razor to hit a vein and kill yourself. I think that's a pretty rude thing to say myself, Nutjob is definetly not the term for it, many people do it because the pain helps you think about just the pain and not your depression and anxiety.

it in-term creats more depression and it's really bad thing to do but they're not a nutjob, they just don't know how to deal with things as much as you do

[samuel]

its a good thing your wit her in her time of need. thats what she needs depression is kind of sad and i am sorry for your friend.

[samuel]

try music...very helpful

[Serendipity]

Now-it seems-there are 2 advice threads.....
I am asking for specific advice and I couldn't come up with a small title for this. I apologize if I made a duplicate thread.

Leon Marcus: Thank you very much for your post. I am doing my best to let her know I am there for her.

samuel: I will keep that suggestion about the music in mind, thank you.

[Zack2]

I am really sorry but i couldn't find any more info to help you. Something came up and one of my friends has gotten down from being dumped. Now he has begun to do what your friend did. Right now I got him in counseling and I think it is helping.

[Serendipity]

I am really sorry but i couldn't find any more info to help you. Something came up and one of my friends has gotten down from being dumped. Now he has begun to do what your friend did. Right now I got him in counseling and I think it is helping.
That's alright if you couldn't find anything. I appreciate you making the effort of looking into it for me though. Thank you. :)

[Zack2]

Don't mention it but I will try to find out more.

[ladyanime]

Okey a few years ago i was clinically depressed. I got to the point that i od on pain meds and suside was a non stop thought. I think that your friend needs to think about eating. When i was susidedal i constentally thought of suside,so maybe if your friend trys to think about food like i did suside then maybe she can convince her/him self to eat more. I dont know if it will work but i hope that she/he gets better. Support her/him and talk to them every day or every other day or even just once a week. Tell them to keep a journal of every time they eat and what they eat. They do not want to eat too much junk food but healthy food like veggies and meat and breads. Be happy when you talk to them~moods rub off on others. Most inportant tell them to be happy. Hoping that they get better :D

[dragoninja]

What kind of music does she like? What kind of boys/girls is she interested in?

Find something she likes and help her find it. It might not be that simple but you never know.

[karasu13]

[QUOTE=Serendipity]I am asking for specific advice and I couldn't come up with a small title for this. I apologize if I made a duplicate thread.
Hey, it's ok.
As far as advice for your friend, I know what you're going through, I myself used to be a cutter, and had problems w/bulemia. If she's feeling suicidal, which is usually the case with cutters, then just remind her of how much she means to you, and everyone else. Tell her how bad you would feel if she killed herself, or hurt herself anymore. And don't let her tell you taht the cutting doesn't hurt, cuz that'd just be a lie. When I was having the same problem, I felt the pain, eventhough it was very minimal, it was still there.
To summarize this post: use the guilt trip, you may feel bad yourself, but it does work. Afterall, it worked for me.
For the weight problems, tell her to start eating again, and if she's really that self-conscious about her weight, then join a health club, or try to get into the Army Reserves. I'm getting into the Army myself, and just had my first session of physical training last night. It hurts, but it feels really good too, cuz I know that I'll get really hott by prom.
If she's worried about dying in the Army, tell her that the Reserves usually don't go to war unles it's absolutely needed. Lately, they haven't been pulling the Reserves, so there's no need to worry.
If you want any more info on it, see goarmy.com, or just pm me. :D

[Taikyo]

well, i have a friend like that too. She tends to cut herself to relive the "pain". Which she told me. I asked her, "doesn't that hurt?" She said no, but it really looks painful to me. My other friend and i were worry about her and decided to talk to her about it. We told her to go to our counslor if something was bothering her. And if that doesn't work, i would usually say you can talk to this guy. He's the best known for children counsloring. He came to our school this year and told us all the different people he met. And that he help a kid that was cutting himself too. So you can probably ask your friend whats wrong, or ask her to see her counslor (if she still goes to school).
I would recommend this Ryan Duremmen guy. If i get the number on this guy i'll PM you ok? He's a professional around the states.^^

[Serendipity]

I am asking for specific advice and I couldn't come up with a small title for this. I apologize if I made a duplicate thread.
Hey, it's ok.
As far as advice for your friend, I know what you're going through, I myself used to be a cutter, and had problems w/bulemia. If she's feeling suicidal, which is usually the case with cutters, then just remind her of how much she means to you, and everyone else. Tell her how bad you would feel if she killed herself, or hurt herself anymore. And don't let her tell you taht the cutting doesn't hurt, cuz that'd just be a lie. When I was having the same problem, I felt the pain, eventhough it was very minimal, it was still there.
To summarize this post: use the guilt trip, you may feel bad yourself, but it does work. Afterall, it worked for me.
For the weight problems, tell her to start eating again, and if she's really that self-conscious about her weight, then join a health club, or try to get into the Army Reserves. I'm getting into the Army myself, and just had my first session of physical training last night. It hurts, but it feels really good too, cuz I know that I'll get really hott by prom.
If she's worried about dying in the Army, tell her that the Reserves usually don't go to war unles it's absolutely needed. Lately, they haven't been pulling the Reserves, so there's no need to worry.
If you want any more info on it, see goarmy.com, or just pm me. :D
Thank you for your advice on this. I am trying to remind her how special she is to everyone but she has a hard time believing it.

I am not so sure if she is Army material though. I'm not saying that she isn't strong and couldn't handle it but she doesn't seem the type to join the military.

tenshi_hime: If you could locate that number for me that would be absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much!

[karasu13]

[QUOTE=Serendipity]Thank you for your advice on this. I am trying to remind her how special she is to everyone but she has a hard time believing it.

I am not so sure if she is Army material though. I'm not saying that she isn't strong and couldn't handle it but she doesn't seem the type to join the military.

I thought I wasn't gonna be able to join because of my weight, but I am joining. As for her not being sure, just ask her to talk to a recruiter at least, she might like what she hears. (Pm me, I'll tell ya what I mean)