View Full Version : How to annoy a telemarketer

10-31-2004, 05:02 PM
Hopefully this wasn't posted already...I got this e-mail from a friend of mine and it made me smile, so I thought I'd share.

1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer. “Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”

2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an @$$hole.

3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.

4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished
explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.

5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises
once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.

6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop
screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”

7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.

8. Flirt.

9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”

10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.

11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking.

12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”

13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.

14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.

15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”

16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”

17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.

18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.

19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”

20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.

10-31-2004, 05:05 PM
just anwser the phone in japanese(mushie mushie) and they will hang up

Kilawher Shazarade
10-31-2004, 05:19 PM
This.. was hilarious. I think I'm going to do that.. XD

I tried answering in Japanese once.

"Mushi mushi."
"Ah, hai. Hai."

They hung up after that.

Mother Mou
10-31-2004, 05:40 PM
Hah...I could totally see yo doing these too belly...Lets see...that else could we do that would be funny?hmmmm...
You could answer the phone and act like I do when I dont feel like working.
"Thanks for calling Fedex Kinkos where we can now ship your Ground and Express Packages, This is Liz, How can I help you?"
"Yeah, can I--"
"Oh wow. That sounds like a tought job. We are kind of backed up right now and Im not sure if I can process your request at this time."
"I just wanted to know ho late you are op-"
"No, Im sorry. I don't think we can take your job at this time. Can I direct you to our other facilities on Monroe or Bancroft?"
Etc...Man...its fun at my job :) (where Im at now...)

10-31-2004, 06:06 PM
...MOU! ;_; *does teh sexing*

call me Olivera. please. >_> or Whispers...or something or NOT! ><

niiways...I gotta remember to do this http://animeforum.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif I have caller ID so I have some advantage...

10-31-2004, 06:09 PM
Hahaha. This is how I answer my phone at work.

"Officer Personnel Management Directorate, PFC K. How may I help you sir or ma'am?" (I slur all the words together to make a slush of sound in 2 seconds)

"Hi, I was wondering if you can help me with this-"

"I'm sorry, I don't deal with that program/movement/officer branch. Here's another number that can help you out." -Gives co-worker's number-

I don't get bothered by telemarketers. There are none in Germany that I know of. The annoying calls are all automated so you can get 'em turned off.

Mother Mou
10-31-2004, 06:23 PM
But....but I love calling you Belly so much ;___; Its just so damned cute!
But I love messing with people at work...its awsome...

10-31-2004, 06:38 PM
I usually hit on the telemarketer .. or try to sell some junk from the garage.

Mother Mou
10-31-2004, 06:40 PM
lol...my sister actually got a date from one doing that. But then he was a total...well, you know.
Speaking of...we kinda did that one with the skeleton. We were like "Damn, I thought you were a cleaning service. We really need to get those corpses out of the basement...mom's starting to worry."

11-01-2004, 08:34 AM
Just speak spanish.They hang up right away.
It's guaranteed to work...right noki?

11-01-2004, 08:39 AM
just anwser the phone in japanese(mushie mushie) and they will hang upNo they don't. I do that all the time...it does not deter them in the least.
And I don't know much more Japanese than that...lol

Han, Spanish won't work around here...it's spoken by too many people

As I can speak French fairly well, I just go off in French until they hang up.

11-01-2004, 08:41 AM
Com'mon ca va?
Oui, ca va bien!

**Hangs up the phone** That doesn't work. I will just speak in my japanese-related illiterate tounge.

San-wanchu wayoso. Mojimorito kamaseme masutidano. Yokino manasesake?? Deimusotta ryuiji mayatame soshi mosane...

Genghis Beatrix
11-01-2004, 10:37 AM
I like the phrase "kushie kushie". It scares people b/c they don't know that if I'm on drugs or what.

11-01-2004, 11:16 AM
just anwser the phone in japanese(mushie mushie) and they will hang up
you say "mushie mushie" and you just told them "bug bug"

"moshi moshi" not entirely sure how you spell it romaji but its pronounced with more of an "O" sound.

personally i just let them get started on their pitch then i gently place the phone down on the desk and walk off. kinda funny when you walk by a minute or two later and you still hear them talking to themselves. other times i just hang up if i'm feeling impatient.

red storm
11-01-2004, 12:34 PM
I picked up the phone, the guy rambles on and on about his offer until he's finished.

"What do you say sir?"

"Well, I think you need my dad for that."

moment of silence

"And is your father around?"