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View Full Version : Overview - Great Escape (進撃の巨人・エンヂング2)



Khayle
04-23-2015, 02:36 AM
So this is actually the first text that I am officially translating. I want it to be correct, so if you guys have any input as in better translations, please tell me :)

Great Escape -

If I were to say that Im not me,
can you for sure say that youre you?
If you break the container of sand, can you reassemble my spilled heart?

Someones calling voice was ringing in my ears.
Time seems to have stopped. Now, close your eyes.

I slipped away from the thick darkness. I escaped like a swift wind.
Outside the walls, we were like living corpses.

Even if there was no light in the world, would you be able to find yourself?
Can you count and connect together the pieces of scenes projected in slow-motion?

Someones screaming voice was trembling in my ears.
Lets start from the very beginning. Farewell, our last night.

I slipped away from my long dream. I escaped with a bloody body.
Our eyes were like those of starving beasts.

We stepped beyond the storm, reaching out our hands.
With all my strenght, I drew out the blade that was stuck in you, and said "I am you".

I slipped away from the thick darkness. I escaped like a swift wind.
Outside the walls, we were like living corpses.
Lets meet again, on uncharted territory.

Haze~
04-23-2015, 11:54 AM
Hey there! It looks pretty good overall. I just have some suggestions/corrections, which most of them are pretty nitpicky, so just a heads up!

>If I were to say that Im not me,
can you for sure say that youre you?

If I were to say that I'm not me, could you truly say that you're you/who you are? (Doesn't really matter which one you decide to go with, referring to that last part.)

>If you break the container of sand, can you reassemble my spilled heart?

Once/when the sand container/bowl breaks, would you be able to reassemble the pieces of your heart that spilled out? (It's a continuation of that last sentence, from what I could tell, and "can" would separate the two completely which isn't what we want. )

>Outside the walls, we were like living corpses.

We, who were like living corpses, step onward to the other side/outside of these walls.

>Even if there was no light in the world, would you be able to find yourself?
Can you count and connect together the pieces of scenes projected in slow-motion?

Could you... the pieces of these scenes/sceneries...

>Someones screaming voice was trembling in my ears.

Someone's crying voice has become a rumbling in the Earth. (地-響き/Earth-Reverberation. No ears this time around. Also, a screaming voice, would be 叫び声.)

>I slipped away from my long dream. I escaped with a bloody body.

Wouldn't "red-stained", or something along those lines, be more appropriate? It's just a suggestion, though. xP

>We stepped beyond the storm, reaching out our hands.
With all my strenght, I drew out the blade that was stuck in you, and said "I am you".

I stepped beyond the storm, reached/extended out my hand,
And said, as I drew/pulled out the inserted blade with all I had, "I am you.".

>Let's meet again, on uncharted territory.

I'm not sure how I feel about translating 場所 as territory... How about, "Let us meet again, in a place the map doesn't mention/show."?

Khayle
04-23-2015, 02:39 PM
Hey there! It looks pretty good overall. I just have some suggestions/corrections, which most of them are pretty nitpicky, so just a heads up!

Wouldn't "red-stained", or something along those lines, be more appropriate? It's just a suggestion, though. xP

I'm not sure how I feel about translating 場所 as territory... How about, "Let us meet again, in a place the map doesn't mention/show."?

Hey man, thank you so much for helping me out :) I appreciate it! I don't look at nitpicking as a bad thing, nitpicking is what makes you more fluent in a language, imo.
I wrote "bloody body" because in my head, "red-stained" could be interpreted as the person having blood on his/her body. "red-stained" is a more accurate translation though :)
You're right, "territory" might be a bad translation. I thought it fit the translation but it might sound odd, I realize that now.