Any suggestions to improve this translation of "虹"?

[Raichu]

The song is 虹 by Musuka-P.
video (http://youtu.be/slXAdZSBMjU)

Here are the lyrics and my translation. I've highlighted some bits I'm having a bit of trouble with, but any suggestions for improving or rephrasing the lyrics are welcome.

気が付けば　もう雨音は消えてた
雲の隙間に　恥ずかしそうな太陽
雨上がりの空を　鳥たちが羽ばたく
高く　青く　続く空の果てまで　ずっと
I noticed that the sound of rain has already faded.
The sun peeps bashfully through the gaps in the clouds.
In the sky after the rain, birds flap their wings
far to the ends of the endless blue sky.
Try to catch!!
沢山の色を集めて　一つに束ね
さあ　虹のアーチ描こう
Try to touch!!
モノクロの景色たちが　光を放つ
靴下を脱ぎ捨て　裸足で駆け出そう
眩しいこの大空に　飛び出そう
Try to catch!!
I'll gather many colours and bundle them into one
and, hey, I'll paint the arch of a rainbow.
Try to touch!!
Monochrome scenes let off light.
I'll throw off my shoes and go running barefoot.
I'll fly into this radiant sky.
気が付けば　もう影は長く伸びて
遠い地平に　消え入りそうな太陽
茜色（あかねいろ）の空に　緑色の小鳥が
一羽　ふらり　頼りなさそうに　舞い降りた
When I noticed, the shadows have already grown,
and the sun is disappearing behind the distant horizon.
In the ruddy sky, a single small green bird
flew down aimlessly and awkwardly.
Try to catch!!
沢山の出会いの中で　君は輝く
ほら　決して独りじゃないさ
Try to fly!!
あの虹を超えるくらいに　高く飛び立て
見上げた大空に　一番星ひとつ
迷いそうな心　導いて
Try to catch!!
Among the many people I've met, you shine out.
See, I'm (or you're or we're) definitely not alone. [any ideas on narrowing down who?]
Try to fly!!
Take off, high enough to go over that rainbow!
In the sky I looked up to see, there's one number one star
leading my wayward heart.
I can feel...
聴こえるよ　君の歌声　遠くかすかに
でも　力強く響いてる
Try to catch!!
沢山のメロディたちが　光を放つ
僕たちのハーモニー　夜空に散りばめて
響き合わせ　七色の虹に
I can feel ...
I can hear you sing, you know, far away, faintly,
yet resounding powerfully.
Try to catch!!
Many melodies are letting off light.
Our harmony decorates the night sky [is this right?]
and makes us reverberate with each other into a seven-coloured rainbow.

[Haze~]

I'm not sure if I can solve everything you've had trouble with, but I'll at least give it a try.

>気が付けば　もう雨音は消えてた

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like it should be something more than just "notice". Perhaps something along the lines of "The last thing I knew..". It's just a suggestion, though.

>Try to catch!!
>沢山の色を集めて　一つに束ね
>さあ　虹のアーチ描こう

I don't think the singer's referring to himself here. Here's how I'd have it: "Gather many colours and bundle them into one. Now, come on, let's paint the arch of a rainbow."
What do you think?

>Try to touch!!
>モノクロの景色たちが　光を放つ
>靴下を脱ぎ捨て　裸足で駆け出そう
>眩しいこの大空に　飛び出そう

Same here. How's "As the monochrome scenes let off light, let's take off our socks and go running barefoot! - Let's fly into this radiant sky!"?

>ほら　決して独りじゃないさ

I'd go with "you're", as previously mentioned. That's what my hunch says, too. It makes more sense that way as well. It's also just a suggestion, but I'd translate it as: "Look, you'll never be alone."

>一番星

I'm not really sure about this one. "The first star to appear in the evening", is what it basically means. You'd might want to fix that accordingly.

>響き合わせ

"Lets us" is the only thing I can think of.

Hope that helps~

[Raichu]

Thanks for the feedback.


>気が付けば　もう雨音は消えてた
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like it should be something more than just "notice". Perhaps something along the lines of "The last thing I knew..". It's just a suggestion, though.
I agree. I'm just having trouble expressing it in English. Maybe "I just realized"?


>Try to catch!!
>沢山の色を集めて　一つに束ね
>さあ　虹のアーチ描こう
I don't think the singer's referring to himself here. Here's how I'd have it: "Gather many colours and bundle them into one. Now, come on, let's paint the arch of a rainbow."
What do you think?

>Try to touch!!
>モノクロの景色たちが　光を放つ
>靴下を脱ぎ捨て　裸足で駆け出そう
>眩しいこの大空に　飛び出そう
Same here. How's "As the monochrome scenes let off light, let's take off our socks and go running barefoot! - Let's fly into this radiant sky!"?
It hadn't occurred to me, but it makes sense. It's ambiguous though.


>ほら　決して独りじゃないさ
I'd go with "you're", as previously mentioned. That's what my hunch says, too. It makes more sense that way as well. It's also just a suggestion, but I'd translate it as: "Look, you'll never be alone."
Come to think of it, ほら suggests that it's "you" or "us", not "I".


>一番星
I'm not really sure about this one. "The first star to appear in the evening", is what it basically means. You'd might want to fix that accordingly.
It's a possibility. I'll try to ask some native speakers about that and the other unresolved issues. Thanks again.